Notes: based on personal experiance <sweatdrops>... inspired by Shira's 'A Cry for Help'
I sit and think of the many times I could have... died... killed myself. I know that the others would only suffer more if I did die, I am suffering too. I have seen myself reflected in Quatre's eyes, he doesn't know, but I know his secret. He is just like me. Longing for death, yet afraid of it all the same. He thinks he can hide the scars from /me/. Although, no one ever notices mine.
I look down at my wrists, and the healing scars from my most recent attempt barely two weeks ago. I didn't get past the capillaries. I have lost count of how many times I have tried... Heero would either call me and idiot or praise me for my courage. Courage? No, I think it is more like cowardice. Dying in battle like Heero has tried to do so many times is courageous, but suicide... that is cowardice.
Yes, I am a coward. I laugh and make merry, but I am dead inside. Death. Beloved Shinigami, come and take me away!
I am contemplating it again. This time how will I go about it? Razor? Gun? Poison? I decide on a razor. I cut deep enough to draw a fair amount of blood and cry out in pain. Blood oozes from the wound I have inflicted. I hear foot steps. Quatre knocks on the door. "Duo, daijoubu desu ka?"
"Hai! Just reading a horror novel, gomen!" I say, close enough to the truth... my life is a horror novel. I am not fine. I hope to never have to be fine. I finish the cut and watch as the blood trickles to the floor. I place the blade in my other hand and slit the other wrist. The blood oozes from my wounds, I feel dizzy.
There is another knock on the door just as I pass out from loss of blood. I saw none of what transpired next. The querant opens the door after receiving no response. It is Heero. Heero doesn't see me at first. Laying curled up against the back wall. He flicks on the light and his eyes go wide. He yells for Quatre and Trowa, his voice harsh with emotion. Pain.
Quatre gets to the room first. His eyes widen as he rushes to my side. My blood is pooled around me. Quatre pulls the first aid kit from under my bed and curses as he franticly tries to open the kit. I return to semi-consciousness and hear him saying, "Don't die on us! Please... don't die on *me*!"
I barely feel it as he cleans off my wounds and bandages the gashes I have inflicted. The others are gathered around me and Heero is gently shaking me back into consciousness. "Duo!" He cries as I crack one eye and peer at him, "Duo no Baka! Why? Why did you do that?"
I don't want him to know. I didn't want him to know! I feel pain and embarrassment in the pit of my stomach. If he can try and die, why can't I? I open my mouth to speak. My throat is dry, all I manage is a squawk as Heero pulls me tight in his arms. He- They - care for me this much! No, they just don't want to see anymore death.
I try and push Heero away, but loss of blood has made me too weak to do so. I feel a tear roll unbidden down my cheek. Feeling the warm wetness, Heero tightens his grip on me and I begin to sob on his shoulder. After a long period of time, I am calm enough to speak.
"I... thought that I..." Heero didn't let me finish.
"Duo no BAKA!" He cried out, then in a fit of passion and relief, that I was still alive, he crushes my lips under his and expressed to me his relief. His lips telling me everything he longed to say, but dare not for fear his voice would betray him.
I whimper. I feel horrible and dirty. I hid this from him so long, afraid that he would reject me again if I told him my terrible little secret. I now long to live, I know that he won't reject me again. That passionate kiss told me so. He needs me and I need him... Maybe I can live on... at least for a little while.
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