The Lover After Me
I have taken off my reading glasses again. I thought the war was difficult to get through, but this, this is more difficult than I could ever have imagined.
[here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on]
Quatre. Every time I hear your name I shiver. Every time I see a flash of blonde hair I think of you. I always thought I could never fall in love again, after Meiran. I always thought there could never be anyone else. I was trying to read this book, I saw it on the shelf at the bookstore, and I just remembered. Yes, I most certainly remember that this is the book you recommended I read, once. So long ago. Just the other day Duo called, asked me to visit him. I thought, well, it could not hurt, right? He neglected to mention that you would be there. With Trowa. I felt as though you had stabbed me through the heart all over again. Do you remember our first kiss? You had no idea what you were doing, I had to teach you. All the pilots thought that I was a prude, but I had to teach you. Well, you always were the blonde, innocent angel, at least until you ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it. I apologize, that was uncalled for.
[Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me]
I am alone now, while you have your new lover. I should warn him about you. I would, too, if I thought I could be anywhere near Trowa without bloodying his nose. Was it strictly necessary to break my heart? So coldly, callously? Heero was supposed to be the cold one, but no, that person was you. I shall never forget it. I had just kissed you, you had returned from work, you always worked too hard. I leaned my head down, my lips brushed yours, and then I smelled something. Lions. You had been out so late again, where were you? With him. I hope when he kissed you that you enjoyed it. I hope that when the lights go out at your new home that you enjoy each other. Now, I am alone, with only the darkness for company.
[Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore]
But I decided to ignore it. Perhaps you were just visiting...Catherine. I think I could have handled it, oh, yes, I believe I would have survived a simple break-up. But then I came home early from visiting Duo - this is before we parted, remember - and I discovered you, in a lascivious embrace with circus-boy. Excuse me, Trowa. But that is not even his true name, now is it? How could you choose a No Name over someone like me, who had a home, and ancestry that I can point to? But that was not the worst part. I walked into our bedroom to change, and there you were, your slim, naked body thrown over his in passion. His head was on my pillow, and your long legs were straddling his too-thin frame as he screamed. But I have not reached the worst part yet. The worst was when you came in his mouth, screaming his name. I had loved you. I had loved you more than I thought my pitiful heart was capable of.
[Without you I'm always twenty minutes late]
I can still smell the fragrance of your hair and see the lines of your body, your bones poking through your paper-smooth flesh, with all of its golden hollows. Your hair, the way it always fell in your eyes. Your fears, that surfaced in the darkness, those fears that kept us from making love so often. And still, I loved you. And still, I love you.
[Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me]
*Trowa.*
a cry in the darkness. In my lonely, empty bed, I cry "Quatre!" but you never arrive. I do not think I will ever get used to this ache, made so much more sharp by what you've done. It was a weak, dishonorable thing to do, to make love to him in our bed. If you had wanted him that much, why did you not just ask me to release you from the bonds of our marriage? I married you, I believed that you, innocent little Quatre, would be capable of fidelity. Then I came home from work too early. You spluttered through your explanations, promising that you had been just about to tell me, that you would have said something...
[and time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you]
I writhe in these cold sheets, dreaming of you and your lopsided smile. When I think of you it grows too warm in here, and I am obliged to take care of such things. I always scream your name, sometimes I whimper it, sometimes my tears spell it out on the pillow. Always you. What an awful weakness you have become. I should know better, but I beg you to return every night in my dreams.
[Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on]
It finally occurred. I stood in front of your new house for hours, just watching, head cocked. I just wanted the slightest glimpse of your ethereal beauty. One more look. Maybe then I could move on. But you saw me, and you yelled, "Trowa!" and he came out, and you kissed him, right there in front of my eyes. Your forms blurred through my tears and I could barely see, but I saw when you pressed a hand against his burgeoning erection. You stabbed me all over again, and then you laughed, that clear tinkling laugh. The laugh of angels, coming from the mouth of one so cruel as you.
[Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me]
Fine, then, since I know I cannot move on. You will cry "Trowa!" tonight in the darkness of your bedroom, and then you will cling to him in sweat and what you call love, and I wish you all the best, I truly do. I hope that he is lucky enough to keep you satisified, that you will not cheat the way you did when I was your lover. But since I cannot live without you, this is my only option left. Sweet taste of blood, the taste of your name on my tongue the sweetest ambrosia. After all you have done, and still, you taste like sugar and strawberries to my tongue. Even when your named is uttered, under that sour bitterness of anger there is something sweeter. It is the taste of your blood, your pain, when you learn the truth.
*Quatre!*
~Epilogue~
"Why didn't someone tell me he killed himself!" Quatre cried, eyes filled with tears, as he glanced at his lover.
"Perhaps he thought it best to inform you himself."
~owari~
Lily
Not telling. Heh. ~__^ Whoever you think died...but I am not telling who it really was, cause I'm evil like that. Whoa, more weird POV songfics.
On to the First Companion Fic!
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