The Suicide Note by Lily

Title: The Suicide Note
Author: Lily
Archive: Yes, please, also at my site
Pairing: 3x4, 4x5, 3x5
Categories: songfic, yaoi, deathfic, lemon (not much, but it's explicit)
Rating: NC-17 cause of the final part
Warnings: suicide, bondage, violence, angst, auto-erotic asphyxiation (if you don't know what that means, you probably don't want to read this. It's pretty rough and it's squicky depending on your opinion of it) possible squick
Spoilers: none
Notes: *italics* [lyrics] companion fic to "The Lover After Me," Trowa's POV
Disclaimer: don't own them, don't own the song lyrics for "leather" by Tori Amos, either.
Feedback: yes, please, send to ann_marie_martino@

The Suicide Note

[Look I'm standing naked before you
Don't you want more than my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can't claim innocence]

Wufei is standing down on the driveway, looking up, for apologies maybe? He's not going to get them from me, and he sure as hell is going to get them from you. My blonde, evil little lover. Oh, yes, Quatre, I know all about you. The difference between me and him is quite simple, really. I don't care. You won't, can't, hurt me anymore than I've already been. I feel remorse for what I've done to Wufei, but not entirely too much. If it hadn't've been me, it would have been someone else, and they probably really wouldn't care about Wufei at all. But I did it, let you charm me, let you seduce me, because that's what you thought you were doing. You believed that you had me fooled, that you'd pulled my bangs over my other eye as well. Silly boy, I knew what the plan was all along. I approved. Poor sweet Wufei, so intent on justice, so undeserving of you, the child you are, the immature, spoiled brat that you are. I fucked you in his bed because that was the clearest, most painful way to destroy your marriage. I screamed your name even as I thought his. Never thought I'd love anyone so much that I'd fuck up their life. He needed you out of his life. You would have destroyed him again and again and again. So, maybe this is a plot. But I'm going to destroy you, my pretty little blonde darling.

[Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever and its not the weather
Hand me my leather]

In the heat of the summer, when I strapped those leather cuffs around your wrists, and you screamed - I punished you, I made you scream in pleasure and weep from the pain. Wufei, he missed you so much. He adored you so much, was so obsessed with you, and I, I loved him too much to let you get away with your evil little games. Soulless Quatre. You loved every minute of it, even when you were crying, shouting, hoarse from the pain. You adored it. Sick little boy. I guess I must be pretty sick, too, cause I've fallen in love with you both. I've fallen for you, because the depravity in you calls to the ruined part of my own soul, and Wufei I love because he is so pure. That's why I took you from him. We deserve each other, while he deserves better than the both of us.

[I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't hold what I hold dear]

I know you don't love me, because I know you. You can't love anyone, you're not capable of it. This is it, Quatre, I've had enough. Stay away from Wufei. I mean it. Don't you dare go near him after this. Oh, I miss that look in your eyes. They'd go all grey, and you'd look down, then up through your lashes and your hair, and that meant you were planning something truly vicious. I loved those moments, I lived for them, when you'd whisper your plans in my ear, your breath tickling me until I shivered, and grabbed you, and threw you on the bed. I talked you out of most of those plans, cause I'd never let you hurt anyone else but me. I'm the one you should be hurting, be destroying. Those were the best times, when you'd tie me up with your handkerchiefs to the bedposts and have your way with me. Remember the time you carved your name into my back with a knife? Anything for you, Quatre, anything to keep Wufei safe. Because you, my sadistic little brat, would not have kept him safe. You would have laughed a hundred times for every single tear he shed for you.

[Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever and its not the weather
Hand me my leather]

You, my darling little bitch, refused to tie the scarf around my neck to see if it would heighten the sensations. I understood why, of course, even you did not want to kill anyone else, especially me. You had enough blood on your hands, but still, I have more on mine. There is a river of blood flowing over mine, a river that will never cease. I settled instead on being tied up and letting you whip me. You enjoyed it, I know, cause I could see your arousal, hard and aching, as you threw the birch switch at me one final time and then jumped on the bed. Your eyes were the cloudiest blue I'd ever seen, then. Guess maybe you enjoyed that a little too much. I don't care. I no longer feel it when you inflict pain upon my body. My body doesn't recognize pain, anymore than it does fear. I never flinch. Drives Catherine nuts.

[I almost ran over an angel
He had a nice big fat cigar
"In a sense" he said "you're alone here
So if you jump you best jump far"]

You, my dear, were never an angel. I believe you were born with a demon streak to defy those angelic looks. You cultivated that image, you allowed everyone to believe the appearance that was so visible to everyone. So blonde, so beautiful. Get out your drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll, little one, because you were never that lovely character you wanted so much for us all to believe in. I saw through you from the start. This time, though, you're alone. You won't go back to him, because 'Fei is getting his own copy of this. I'm sure he'll hate me, darling, but that's okay, cause he won't ever go near you again, and that's what is most important. I have to keep him safe. I've already sent letters to Heero and Duo to make sure you never go near him again, even if he begs. You're alone, Quatre. Alone. Think hard about what that word means. Alone...

[Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever and its not the weather
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god its all very clear
If love isn't forever and its not the weather
Hand me my leather]

So this is it, I've reached the end. Probably a lot longer than most, I'd guess. It's practically a book. But I wanted Wufei to at least sort of comprehend. I wanted him to understand my reasons, and I wanted him to know how much more to you there really is. So, remember that leather strap you gave me for last Christmas? I'm going to find out if it heightens the pleasure, but I'm not going to stop before I pass the critical point. Might as well be happy. Might as well die happy, I mean. Just gotta wrap this here, then grab the lube, give myself a nice hard-on, then take care of it. Yeah, I think it'll be worth it. I definitely think it's going to be awesome. Talk about going out with a bang...


"Why didn't someone tell me he killed himself!" Quatre cried, eyes filled with tears, as he glanced at his lover.

"Perhaps he thought it best to inform you himself." Wufei responded, before turning and walking out the door.

Quatre threw the missive at the wall, then threw himself on the bed and shrieked. "I don't want to be alone! I don't!" He kicked his feet, hard enough to dent the wall by the bed, and then allowed himself a few more choking sobs before he smiled.


Heh. ~__^ Anyone else think that's the sort of suicide Trowa would just have to try? And yes, there will be one more, seeing as we have yet to hear from Quatre. Heh heh *evil giggles*

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