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Willow's fixing us a snack after school. She's filling me in on the hunt for Faith. It's all so stupid!
"So we're all pretty worried," she explains. "She's done the Nineteenth Rite, and just two days ago she was at number twelve."
"How can you be sure it's her? I bet it's somebody else."
"Well she just got out of prison and came to Sunnydale. It's probably not coincidence."
"But it could be."
"Yes, I suppose it could be."
It is. I know it. "I don't think Faith would do anything bad again. She turned herself in."
"Dawn, you've never met Faith... I know you think we're being really mean without any proof, but... she is really very evil."
"I bet she's not," I say.
"What's with you and Faith?"
"Nothing! I just think Giles is right. She should get one last chance."
"Giles is right... but this Ascension thing is serious. She's given up her last chance."
I'm starting to get mad and I can't let it show. I promised Faith she could decide when we told Buffy and my friends.
Change the subject.
"Willow, does having sex make you feel bad?"
Bad timing. Apple juice everywhere. Say it, don't spray it!
She grabs a dish towel, mops up the breakfast table, and stares at me. "Um... not sure how we got on that topic from Faith... but no, I wouldn't say that." She looks at me strangely. "Dawnie... have you had sex?"
"No! It's just... somebody told me that sex makes you hate the person and hate yourself. I just wondered."
She's really uncomfortable. But she's the one who would know. I just kinda blurted it out, but I'm also glad I asked.
"Well, Dawn... having sex with the wrong person could make you feel very bad... and you can get very sick."
"I know about all that. AIDS and everything. I've had Sex Ed twice in school, you know."
"OK." Awkward silence.
"Did you and Tara split up because you had sex?"
Juice mostly under control this time. "No. It was all the magic thing. Like we talked about."
"I thought you and Tara seemed so cute and happy after you had sex."
Staring at me again. "If you wait for the right person, and you really love each other, and you're both ready... then it's a happy thing. Being with Tara was wonderful."
I think I'm on to something. Faith says she's never had sex with a woman. Because I'm special to her. "Does sex with boys make you hate yourself? Like Oz?"
"No. Oz and I waited until we were both ready, just like me and Tara."
Oh. "So you never feel bad about having sex?"
I don't like to embarrass her. I just have to know! "Well, you know about me and Xander kissing. It could have gone a little farther, and I'm glad it didn't. I would have felt very bad afterward."
"Because you didn't love each other."
"That's right. Not like that."
"But you've never really felt bad about having sex?"
She just looks at me for a while. "I made that same mistake another time, and it did go too far, but it's not your business."
Oh. Wow. "Did you hate yourself? Did you hate the guy?"
"No, Dawnie, I didn't hate... the person. But I didn't feel too great about myself I guess."
I eat my sandwich thoughtfully.
"Willow, you and Tara should get back together."
She smiles slightly. "We're getting there."
Beating up on a punching bag doesn't do a thing for me. I'm not even sure beating up on a vampire would help. Is this what happens to Slayers? It all gets to be too much and then, one day, they make a fatal mistake? I feel like I'm long overdue for a fatal mistake.
I cannot believe Faith is back. Turning herself into a super-demon! Giles is back, but he's here to help her, not me! He'll probably get himself killed. Meanwhile it's all I can do to keep them from taking Dawn to a foster home, and then she goes and runs away... and then nearly gets herself run over by a bus! I don't understand her at all anymore. Something's going on with her... I almost wonder if she's seeing some boy in secret. I don't even want to think about the kind of trouble that could get her into. I wish I could be Mom, but I can't. And my friends... Willow and Tara are splitsville, Xander and Anya seem like they're on the edge... and then there's me and Spike... I just use him and it makes me hate both of us. But I can't stop. And now Tara tells me I came back normal from the grave. So it's all my fault. It's what I've become. And the icing on the cake: the money from Giles just ran out. I can't pay the bills. And I can't ask him for more. I hate my job and it doesn't pay enough.
I want Mom back. I need her so bad.
I go through the motions, but life is too fucking hard. I can't even cry anymore.
At least things can't get much worse.
Anya pops her head in. "Telephone... it's Willow."
Willow doesn't seem to notice the stress in my voice when I take the phone. "Buffy, I think you need to have a little talk with Dawn. About, um... sex."
Shit!
A fun night out with Buffy? I wish! She doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. I think a part of her wishes they would take me away. She's taking me out for ice cream, and that can only mean one thing. Lecture time. For what? My grades are good, I'm doing OK! I'm not making any trouble, not since I ran away. This must be about the ruby necklace. She still won't give it back.
She asks me about school and stuff, and it would be cool talking to her if I didn't know she'd rather be someplace else. "Mr. Ayers is leaving at the end of the year. That's both of my favorite teachers gone! They won't say why but I think the school is getting rid of them to save money." I know it's not really Buffy's fault the school got destroyed. She had to do it. But I'm still kinda mad. Last year they cancelled all kinds of activities... this year the teachers are going. I wish they were paying for teachers instead of fixing up the Middle School to cram in a high school too!
"How's your friend Feather?"
"She's OK."
"Think you'll go over there again this week?" We get our ice cream and find a table.
"Tomorrow probably."
"I wish you'd invite her over some time. What's she like?" I look at Buffy. She really seems to be interested.
"She's the best! She's so nice, and we have so much fun, and we do our homework, and she doesn't want to but I make her, and she's so pretty..." I stop babbling and glance at Buffy feeling silly. But she's smiling.
"Dawn, I have to ask you something about Feather. I don't want you to be mad, and it's OK if the answer is yes."
I don't like the sound of this. I just look at her.
"Dawn... Willow says that she thinks... maybe... um. Dawn... are you and Feather... more than just friends?"
I never told Willow that! So much for keeping secrets! I don't answer... but to Buffy that's an answer.
"I'm happy for you, Dawn."
"Really?"
"Yes. You've been doing better in school since you met her... you've been happier I think."
"She loves me."
"I hope she does. You're very lovable."
I smile at my sister. Buffy's not so bad! "I love her, too."
Buffy's smile fades, and I can tell the token small talk is over. Let the lecture begin.
"Dawn, Willow said you were asking her about sex."
Way to tattle on me, Willow! I shrug.
"Dawn, are you thinking about having sex with Feather?"
I roll my eyes. "You can't yell at me for thinking about sex!"
"I'm not yelling at you at all. I just want you to be OK." She looks like she'd rather be at the dentist. "Dawn... did Mom ever... or at school... do you know about... protection?"
"Yes, Buffy. I do." However, I really don't think Faith is going to get me pregnant.
"Well you should wait. You're too young to have sex. But when you know you're ready... you need protection, and I will help you get it. You can get very..."
"Very sick. I know. Or pregnant. But I don't plan to have sex with boys anyway."
"You still need to be careful, even with a girl, Dawn. Willow told me where to get... it's like condoms for two women."
I stop eating and try to make some sense out of that. It's a lost cause. I guess they don't teach you everything in Sex Ed. Buffy is blushing and both of us are just letting our sundaes melt.
"Buffy, don't worry, I'm not going to be having sex."
"Good for you. I think that's probably best. But you can always ask me anything... any time. OK?"
"OK." I eat some more, completely baffled by this whole conversation. I think I'd rather have a good old fashioned lecture.
If I made it through that, I can handle a demon Slayer! It wasn't quite as bad as I'd feared.
But on the way home, Dawn stops and takes my arm. "I do have a question."
Oh, hell. "Sure. What?"
"Buffy, when you have sex, does it make you feel bad?"
It certainly does. Every time with Spike makes me hate myself a little more. I don't answer her.
"Buffy?"
"I guess it does. That's a good reason for you to wait."
"Even with Angel? You loved Angel."
"Especially with Angel. That was my first time... and I've never regretted anything more in my life."
"And after Angel?"
Parker. None of her business. "Yeah, I felt bad after Angel too."
"What about with girls? Have you ever..."
I stop myself from snapping at her nervously. "I have... been with a woman once. And to answer your question, I felt pretty bad about it." Willow. After Oz left. A big mistake. Best forgotten.
"What about Riley?"
"Well, Dawn, for one thing Faith made me have sex with Riley. I don't even remember it and I still feel bad about it. That kinda ruins the other times with him."
"Maybe it will be better next time, Buffy."
I'm silent for a while, getting my emotions under control. "I have seen... someone... since Riley. And even though he cares about me, it makes me feel awful."
Thankfully she doesn't ask who. Spike is my dark secret, and only Tara knows. Dawn looks at me with concern. "Why do you do it if it makes you feel bad?"
"I don't know, Dawnie. Sometimes I can't help it. Maybe just to feel something. Maybe it's something wrong with me." I almost feel like I could cry. It feels like she's the one giving me the lecture on sex!
"So you've never had sex and felt happy about it? Even with someone who loves you?"
I stop walking. What a depressing thought. Spike makes me feel the worst of all, and he does indeed love me. "No. I guess I never have."
"Don't cry! I'm sorry!" She hugs me. I didn't even realize I was crying! I guess I can still manage to cry after all. Oh, shit. I feel like absolute shit.
Now I've got Dawn crying. I can tell I've screwed this up after all. Thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. I don't know what else to say to her. Am I supposed to tell my little sister that sex can be a good thing? I don't know. Maybe for some people it can't.
"I'm never having sex, Buffy. Never ever."
Oh, Dawnie. My sweet Dawnie. I hope you understand one day.
I've just finished the Twenty-First Rite of Ascension. Now there's something I can't put off any longer... I must open the Box of Gavrok. We must eat one of the spider creatures. Then there's no going back. Then we start to change inside.
Out on the table I have candles, flowers, a little present for her... a romantic dinner all set to go. Here in the kitchen I have chili. The only thing I could think of that would hide the taste and texture of the creatures. And I have the Box.
Yesterday's little scare reminded me that she's not human. And I'm more than human. Will these rites work as expected on us, or not? That's something I just can't know. There's no way around it. There is some risk here.
I almost can't go through with it. But I think of my Dawnie under the wheels of a bus, and I grip the handle of my knife, letting the weight and the feel of the handle take me back to darker days. This is a terrible thing to have to do. But I do have to do it.
I think they know. They're moving around in the Box. I can hear their scratching and clicking.
I only want one. How to get just one out? Take a risk. Who's afraid of a little two-foot spider anyway?
I flip the lid up a little with the tip of my knife. Here, kitty kitty!
A spider leaps for me and I feel its claws pierce my right side. I rip it free as I leap back, letting the lid fall, but another creature is halfway out and manages to squirm loose. I stomp on the first one. Ugh! What a mess! The second one races up the wall and over the ceiling. I whip my knife into the air and transfix it there, quivering.
Faith: two. Spiders: zip!
The floor's not all that clean... but that hardly matters at this point. I scrape up the gooey mass of legs and leathery black skin and lay it on the cutting board. There's something wet on my face.
I can hear one creature still moving in the Box. We'll need all three by the end of the rites. The one on the ceiling slowly stops moving, and I pull my knife free letting it drop into a garbage bag. I'll store it for the next rite.
The spider's carapace is tough. Especially the legs. But I've got the knife for the job. I slice it into tiny pieces, and scrape them along with the soft parts into the chili. I stir it all together, but you can still tell there's something wrong with it. She can't notice or she won't eat it. I'll tell her, of course, but I've decided I can't tell her until afterwards. It's not very nice, but it's the only way.
The wetness on my face is... tears? How long have I been crying? Fuck that. I can do what needs to be done. I'm five by five.
I chop some more peppers and onions and stir them in. More salt, too. Hmmm... more beans. There. Chunkiest chili you ever saw, but even I can't tell it's full of spider meat.
I dim the lights, light the candles and start the music. Forgive me, Dawnie. I love you.
~ Continue to Episode 6 – Slaying the Beast ~
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If you enjoyed this story, try Witch's Faith. Feeling rejected by Tara and Buffy, Willow finds herself helping Faith get out of prison–and falling in love. When the dark Slayer's plots turn deadly, Willow must betray someone she loves. But who will she choose?
Faith walked out to Willow's car in a daze. She didn't truly believe this was happening until the prison gate closed behind them and they were on the open road. The afternoon sun turned to rain and it was the sweetest sound Faith had ever heard. She wished Willow would drive faster. A hundred miles an hour... two hundred! She was ready to slay–vampire after vampire turning to dust before her. And then she wanted sex... real sex, not a stranger's head between her legs in the bathroom, forcing orgasm quickly because privacy might end at any moment. Faith glanced curiously at Willow, wondering if the girl had ever had thoughts of homosexuality.
In the back seat, Faith found a bundle of lovely, wood stakes. The real thing! The Slayer took a stake in her hands. She caressed it, felt its perfect weight. Its solidity made the future suddenly solid as well. "Hey, Red... thanks."
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