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I hear a knock as I'm drying my hair with a dish towel, and my spirits rise like I've just won something. Must be Willow or Tara, or both, dropping by with some little thing from Dawnie!
I wrap a towel around myself and peek out from the apartment window. The car down there is Tara's, but it could be Willow knocking. Tara's the only one in Summers household who has a car.
It looks like someone is waiting in the back seat. Hard to tell... Dawn? Are they crazy? They wouldn't be that careless! She's not allowed near me! I hastily grab a bigger towel to wrap myself in, and run to answer the door. It's not Willow, and it's not Tara.
"Buffy!"
For a long time, nobody says anything more. I can't believe she's here, and I don't think I want to know why. And for her part, she's staring at the cartoon animals all over my walls, courtesy of Dawn's cast-off sheets.
She shakes herself. "Faith, put some clothes on." She's tense but expressionless.
"Buffy, what's going on? You can't have Dawn sitting outside my place like that! What if someone sees her?"
"Are you hungry?" She's starting to act impatient, like I'm pissing her off or something.
"What? Hungry? No. What's going on, Buffy?" I consider throwing her out of my house, just for spite, but I just don't think she would shed any tears over it.
"Well then you'd better pretend. Dawn made dinner."
I stare blankly at my girlfriend's sister.
"Get dressed! You're coming to dinner, and if I change my mind I'll probably do it with a fist, so hurry up."
I feel my grip on reality slipping away. "I can't B... the social worker..." Last I heard, my little assault on Kirstie was the straw that broke the camel's back.
"The social worker thinks Dawn could use a friend, and I'm not in a position to argue right now. I'm on thin ice just trying to keep Dawn at all." She shrugs impatiently. "I don't make the rules. So get dressed and let's go."
"I can see Dawn now? But... why?" This is too good to be true. If Buffy wasn't standing here scowling at me I'd probably do a little dance!
"I have no idea. And I'll be watching you, I promise. Consider this a test. If you can make it through dinner without beating anyone up, communing with the powers of darkness, hurting my sister's feelings, or almost killing anyone... then we'll see about you coming to her birthday."
I'm speechless. There's more to this than meets the eye. The social worker wouldn't change her mind about me just like that... but I think I know two witches who might be responsible!
"You want me... to come with you now... to your house... to eat dinner with Dawn."
"You catch on quick. That GED should be no problem."
Dawn's voice approaching from down the hall. "Buffy, what's taking so long? You guys aren't fighting are you?" She appears behind her sister and her eyes light up. "Faith!" She pushes past and jumps into my arms.
"Baby!" I almost kiss her, but Buffy's eyes are about to bulge right out of her head. I put Dawn down.
"Get dressed, I made fourple-decker sandwiches!" Dawn looks around at her sheets on my walls, nodding approvingly. Then she stops nodding. "You still don't have a bed??"
Overwhelmed by this strange turn of events, I stammer weakly. "I... I was going to get a bed..."
Buffy interrupts me. "If you had a phone, you'd have been ready to go by now."
"I... was going to get a phone..." I stare from Buffy to Dawn, not moving.
Dawn touches my hand. "It's cool, Faith. My social worker changed her mind about you. So come on, get dressed!"
I don't know how Willow and Tara pulled this off–and got Buffy to go along!–but it's wonderful. I spring into action, dropping my towel to the floor.
"Faith!" Buffy clamps her hand over Dawn's eyes and a small struggle ensues. It's not like we never saw each get out of the shower before... but I don't think I should mention that fact. I get dressed quickly and brush my hair. Lipstick? I throw it in my pocket to add later.
Down at the street, Dawn slides into the back seat, and I start to follow. Buffy grabs my arm. "Up front."
I take the passenger seat and Buffy starts Tara's car. Is this some kind of trick? Is Buffy trying to make me do something... or make it look like I did? But that would get her in more trouble than me. They'd take Dawn. I just don't get it.
Dawn reaches forward to put her hand on my shoulder, and I hold her fingers. We're both smiling like we're on nitrous oxide. I adjust the rear view mirror to see her without turning around. Dawn shrugs at me with a look that says, "don't ask me!"
Buffy adjusts the mirror back. "Do you mind?"
Willow and Tara and Dawn and I have a great time anyway, talking and laughing at the table. I've been seated at the far end from Dawn, but we were permitted to hug before the meal, and she passes by me every chance she gets. Squeezing my hand or touching my shoulder. We don't go all mushy on each other like we would alone, but our eyes say what we feel. I'm so happy. It's almost like my fantasies of just being one of the Scoobies. But Buffy is nearly silent, breaking a fork in her salad bowl–a metal fork–and looking depressed and angry. Hardly eating. I steal one of her sandwiches when she's not looking. You don't waste food where I come from.
Afterwards we all leave Buffy to her misery and go up to hang out in the witches' room. I want time alone with Dawn, but I'm not gonna press my luck.
I corner Tara, smiling fondly. "OK, T-Rex, spill it. What did you guys do?"
"T-Rex?" asks Red. Tara puts her head on one side, her look demanding that I explain myself.
I shrug. "There's just something threatening and menacing about her." Tara rolls her eyes, but says nothing. The little talking-to she gave me is our secret.
I sit on their bed and pull Dawnie into my lap, kissing her ear. "It was you guys, wasn't it?" she says to the witches.
Willow and Tara sit on the other side holding hands. "Us guys what?"
They're the best. That's all there is to it. "Yeah, Dawn, it was them." I look Willow in the eye. "So just what did you do? How did you convince Dawn's social worker to take my side?" I almost think they might be holding the big Faber fiasco over her head, but blackmail doesn't sound like them.
They shake their heads. "It wasn't us," says T-Rex. "We've meddled as much as we can get away with, just sneaking things back and forth for you two."
Red adds, "We wouldn't mess with the social worker behind Buffy's back. Very bad idea!"
"It wasn't you guys? ... But then... how?"
Dawn leans back against me, clasping her hands over mine at her stomach. "I don't know who did what, but I hope Buffy never finds them out. She is pissed."
I shake my head, not understanding. "She must have thrown a fit when the social worker told her to let you see me." But apparently she wasn't given a choice in the matter. I'm here against Buffy's will, and that's a dangerous situation.
Dawn turns her head to kiss me, and it starts to get intense. Willow and Tara politely excuse themselves, but they leave the door open to appease B. Dawn turns around to straddle my lap, puts her hands behind my head, and touches to her nose to mine. "You know how much I missed you?"
With a smile I shake my head no, captivated by her big, beautiful eyes. She kisses my lips very softly, and our eyes close. Then again, not so softly. And then our tongues meet and we let each other know exactly how much we've missed one another.
"I love you, baby," I whisper, breathlessly.
A tight hug, head on my shoulder. "You too. Forever and ever."
"Forever and ever."
She sits back and gives me one of her stern looks. "You better be caught up with your studying."
"I know, I am. You just can't ever cut me any slack, can you?"
"Not with your test coming up. But we can study together now, just like Boston!"
"Can't wait!" I think my eyes are watering. Who cares what B thinks? Right now, I feel like the luckiest person alive.
I pull her hair playfully out to the sides. "How has Buffy been?"
She sighs. "She has good hours and bad hours. Spike hurt her pretty bad, and now he's skipped town. And patrolling seems to just wear her out. She's running on empty. And it just kills her to have you and me together. So you better not start anything with her."
"I won't if she doesn't. I plan to stay away from her as much as possible."
"Good plan. How's Antonio?"
My stuffed giraffe I made. Or whatever he is. "He misses you. You should visit."
"I already asked Buffy if I could stay over with you sometimes."
"Not likely."
"Well, let's just say Tara did a little spell to check the weather in hell, and no, it hasn't frozen over."
Red and T-Rex are back. Whatever they were doing, it involved lipstick getting on the small of Tara's back where her blouse almost meets her slacks.
"Hey," says Dawn brightly, "I'm almost sixteen. Tara's gonna teach me to drive!"
"Cool," I say. "You can teach me." I know how to make a car go. I learned fast, stealing a tow truck to chase some vampires in Boston. But the signs and rules and stuff... that's all a mystery!
"Speaking of birthdays, Dawn, if a package shows up for me, just hang on to it. Don't open it."
"You didn't have to get me anything!" She knows I'm living hand-to-mouth.
"This is something I ordered a long time ago, and it's not just for you. Should be here in time, though." It's the one thing of the Mayor's that I'm keeping. "Hey, why don't you go check on Buffy," I say. "Let her know I'm not the only Slayer you care about."
Dawn nods. She gives my hair a gentle tug and leaves.
Now that she's gone, I question the witches. "So how's the Key spell coming?"
"It's all set," says Tara. "Dawn will finally be able to see her true self. Or show her true self to anyone. Willow's been helping with the research and letting me do all the magic. I'm so proud of her!" Red beams with pride. If magic is anything like the stuff my mom was addicted to, she should be proud of giving it up.
"It's a great birthday gift. Is Buffy OK with it yet?"
Red makes a wry face. "Not even a little bit. She wants Dawn to feel normal and just forget that her whole life is fake. She thinks we're crazy. But you've seen the Key. We trust you."
I do think it will be a shock when Dawn sees herself. But a good one. "Somehow I doubt my opinion would do much to help you convince B."
Red rolls her eyes. "The last thing we need is for Buffy to think you and us are ganging up about this! But we're giving Dawn the spell even if Buffy doesn't like it. So... even if you weren't around, things are shaping up to be a teeny bit tense at the birthday bash!"
I nod, making a mental note to bite my tongue and not get on Buffy's nerves between now and the big day. "Find anything else out about the Key?"
Red nods. "We're getting an idea of how the monks made her. They had some serious power stored up. We'll let you and Buffy in on everything we're sure of." The witches know I'm semi-obsessed with the idea that the Key is too much power not to attract evil again one day. I plan to be ready for it.
"What we can't figure out," says T-Rex, "is how they made all the fake memories. I mean... so much detail! And all the stuff they created... photos, school records, x-rays, even her diaries!"
Dawn re-appears, looking a little sad. How much did she hear? "Whose diaries are you talking about?" I guess she didn't hear much. Good.
T-Rex waves it off. "Oh, it's nothing, sweetie. Just someone we know."
Dawn sits beside me and leans on me. "I wish I still had my diaries," she says, sadly. She broke down and burned a lifetime of them when she first realized she wasn't real.
I hold her. "You still have your memories, baby. We all do."
"I know. But they aren't real. The diaries were real. If I still had them, I could touch them. Read what happened when I was a kid. And in Boston. With you. And they had letters from you in them. I hate that I burned them."
I think I understand how she feels. I left every last thing from my childhood behind when I fled from Boston. Then my mom threw it all away. I know how much it means to me to have Antonio back, the one thing left from a simpler time.
I kiss the top of her head. "Maybe it's time to start writing the Dawnmeister Chronicles again."
Well, I did it. I put Faith and Dawn back together, and nobody suspects it was me. Which is how I like it. Faith couldn't have picked a worse time to return. Now I have to deal with her on top of everything else. Not only is she taking my friends and my Watcher away, but now I have to watch her every move, ready to step in the next time she does something stupid or hurtful to Dawn. And she will, it's just a matter of time. It's who she is.
But she's also good for Dawn. I can begin to see what Willow and Tara see, even if I don't like it one bit. So I did what would make Dawn happy instead of what would make me happy. That's how it should be. And I hate it.
Faith and Dawn are studying now. Yes, really studying, it seems. Faith is lying on the couch, Dawn on the floor beside her, both reading. I can see them from the dining room where the witches and I are doing a little Internet research on the demon of the day. It's like there's a little bubble of peace around Faith and my sister. Of happiness. A bubble that Giles is allowed into. Will and Tara, too. But I'll always be on the outside. I'll always love Dawn more than anything in the world, but I'm not really needed anymore. They all have Faith. Everyone went to the movies with Faith today, and I couldn't bring myself to go. I just couldn't. Damn it, she even patrols more than I do.
I'll keep myself together, for Dawn's sake. But I'm just going through the motions. Oh, well. I guess a lot of people go through life that way. Like Clem. I went to visit him at Spike's old place while everyone else had their outing. Who else is there to talk to? He just lives one day at a time. Eats, sleeps, drifts in and out of parties and kitten poker, and doesn't think too hard about life. I try to do the same. The thing is, he's actually happy that way. Give him some junk food and a VCR and he's set. So why should I need anything more?
Faith's hand drops off the couch and squeezes Dawn's foot. Dawn wiggles her toes in response. It infuriates me. Somehow, the fact that they're doing it without even seeming to notice infuriates me more. Don't you touch my sister that way! I don't know why that little gesture bothers me so much. Do I still think of my sister as a little kid? Is that it? That kind of intimacy doesn't seem right? But somehow this bothers me more than when they kiss goodnight. This isn't Faith acting like she doesn't know Dawn is three years younger. This is Faith acting like she doesn't know she's three years older! It's true, what I told the social worker: Faith imitates Dawn, not the other way around. They're like two kids out there. A Vampire Slayer and the Key that can destroy the world. And they're acting just like two kids. Two kids in love. I glare, contemplating throwing Faith out, but not even sure why.
"You're being a freak!" a voice whispers in my ear.
I turn to Willow angrily, but she's smiling. I'm glad that worrying about my sister is so funny.
"Buffy," she says, "I'm sure if Dawn can't bear the ancient Chinese Foot Torture she'll yell for you."
I sigh and turn back to the screen of Willow's iBook, jaw clenched. Willow looks concerned now, not amused. Tara puts her hand on mine. When did I become the problem? When did I become the psycho Slayer? That's Faith's job. I ignore their concern and pretend to be reading, wishing for any distraction. Where is Giles, anyway? He's supposed to bring some books. At least he's helping the Scoobies still–when he can spare the time away from being Faith's Watcher!
Dawn comes in to check our progress. She wants badly to help with slaying–but not badly enough to let Faith study alone. And I've made it clear that this demon is our problem, and none of Faith's business. She can get her own damn demon and her own damn friends to help fight it.
Dawn looks out at Faith, lying face-down on the couch, and her smile tells me I'm doing something right.
"How's homework?" asks Will.
"Good. She's almost ready for her test next Friday. I hope she does good so she can start college in the fall."
Tara smiles. "Does she know she has college plans?"
"Not yet." Dawn looks at Faith again and smiles wider. "Doesn't she have the cutest butt?"
Willow raises her eyebrows. I fight down the urge to snap at my sister. Tara looks at Faith on the couch and starts to nod. But she tries to turn it into an innocent shrug before anyone notices.
"Buffy?"
She freezes, holding a dagger and a bundle of something. "Faith?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Tracking a demon."
"Same here. A Soldier of Altark."
"You're after the same demon?!" She sounds pissed about it.
"I guess so, B. You know, you can't kill it with a knife. It can only be killed by–"
"–by ingesting its own blood. I know. Giles looked it up."
"Shoulda just asked me. I've seen these guys before."
"I think I can struggle along with the slaying without your help!"
"What's that?" I point to the bundle in her left hand.
"Meat. The Soldiers aren't too bright. I'm gonna cut him, get his blood on the meat, and leave it for him to eat."
That's actually a pretty good plan. I was going to stab him with the spear and then stuff the spear in the Soldier's mouth, hoping he'd swallow enough of his own blood to be fatal. Buffy's idea is better. But I can't bring myself to say that.
And suddenly it doesn't matter. The Soldier drops from the ceiling with a hiss, lands on all six feet and lunges for me. I dance away from the massive claws and the thing follows. Whenever I see an opening, I stab with my spear. The monster doesn't even seem to feel it, but I'm drawing yellow blood. That's the first step.
Buffy circles around the beast and makes it to the cave entrance. "Come on, Faith, that's enough! Let it find the meat!"
I see Buffy has dropped the meat. With blood on it from my attack. OK, time to retreat! I scamper after B.
The Soldier bounds after us with a menacing hiss. "I don't think he ate it, B!"
I run back towards the advancing beast, leap onto its head, jump to the ground behind it, and run back into the cave. I'm trapped now, if it tries to stop me from leaving. It turns from me to Buffy and back again.
Buffy calls out. "What are you doing?"
"Slaying, B. You should try it some time!"
The Soldier jumps back towards me, and I pick up the bloody meat. I wait until he's almost on me and ram the meat down his oversized throat, falling back in a somersault to escape the deadly claws.
No effect. He chases after and gets me into a corner where my speed won't help me. Buffy is behind him with her knife, hacking at his tail and sides. But it doesn't bother him.
With a hiss turning into a roar, the Soldier raises the claws of both front legs, ready to finish me off. I spear him in the chest but that doesn't bother him either.
He dives in for the kill.
No. He dives for the ground, dead. The blood got to him.
I grin. "Faith, one. Piece of shit demon, zero!" This is the feeling that makes being a Slayer the best job on Earth!
Buffy storms up to me with her knife. "Are you crazy? How stupid was that? The meat was in his nest, he would have found it! All we had to do was get away!"
"Where's the fun in that, B? Leaving poison out? That ain't what I call slaying! Did you see him come for me? Whoo-hoo!"
"Slaying is whatever gets the job done, not what gives you the biggest thrill!" She's furious. "Does Giles know how you slay? Does Dawn?"
I shrug. Giles is a cool Watcher, but I do my own thing. "What's it to you, B? You don't hassle me enough during the day, you gotta follow me on patrol and lay into me?" The buzz of a good kill is still on me, and I'd almost relish an excuse for a fight.
"What's it to me? What's it to me!?" She tucks her dagger away and turns to leave. "I'm the one who has to tell Dawn when you get yourself killed."
That brings me down to reality. She's right, I was careless. And that's nothing new. I do go for the thrill. I don't know any other way to fight. And I'm good at it. Flying by the seat of my pants and coming out on top. But what if one time I didn't? What about Dawn? Sure, I think about that a lot. Slaying's dangerous. But Buffy almost has me actually afraid it might happen. The risk seems real, for once.
But who the hell is Buffy to scold me like a little kid? I get mad all over again. I follow after her. "I can take care of myself, B! I don't need you to babysit me every minute with my girlfriend, and I don't need you to tell me how to fight a demon!"
She turns and stares at me. Her voice is low and cold. "You wish I'd never come back. You wish I was still dead. Willow and Tara would probably just send you up to Dawn's room with a tube of lubricant and a pat on the back. I'm just in the way. I'm just in everybody's way, aren't I?"
I gape at her, pissed. "What the hell are you going on about?"
She whirls away and storms off down the tunnel, ducking into a sewer passage.
"I don't wish you were dead, Buffy." But she's already gone.
Tara taps on the doorframe.
"Come on in, Tara. What's up?"
"Not much." She doesn't bring up the spell for Dawn's birthday, and I don't feel like arguing. I pat the bed beside me and she lies down, taking my hand. "Kinda been a rough week, huh?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's not easy having Faith around. You've got good reason not to like her. I think you've been just great. But I worry about you, Buffy."
Dear, sweet, Tara. The one person I could tell about Spike. The one person I could tell I was afraid I had come back wrong. And now, the one person I can tell about this.
"I guess I'm not just worried about Faith hurting Dawn. I mean... I am... but... I'm also a little jealous."
"Because Dawn has Faith and you don't."
"What? No... why would you say that?"
"I don't mean you want Faith... but I think it must be hard seeing them together. Me and Willow too. After things... you know... happened with Spike. I know how much love you have in you, Buffy. I know how you were with Angel, and I know how hard you've tried to find that again. I bet it's really hard having Faith and Dawn in your face all the time."
I stare at her, my eyes starting to water. I never realized until she said it, but she's right. I knew I was jealous of losing Dawn to Faith, of losing everyone to Faith. But now I realize that I'm also jealous because I yearn for the kind of love Dawn has found. Maybe that's part of why I wanted to have some time with Xander tonight. He knows what it's like to lose love.
I guess that's why it was so hard for me to accept that my sister really had found love.
I start to cry, burying my face against Tara's arm. She puts her hand on my head, her own eyes watering. "You'll have that too, sweetie. Some day."
I sniff. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me lately."
"Everyone knows how hard it's been for you, Buffy. Coming back like you did. We're all proud of how you've been hanging on. We all want things to get better for you."
"I know."
We lie together in silence for a long time. Just being understood helps a lot.
"Buffy, do you think it's possible to be... close to a person... and have it be good?"
"What do you mean?"
"Dawn got the idea in her head that... that sex... is a hurtful thing. I think that's sad. But I think she got that from you, partly."
"Well sex is a hurtful thing most of the time. She asked me and I told her. And it's not just men, it's sex." I don't share with her that my one terrible mistake with a woman was with her very own Willow. And not long before the two of them got together, either.
"I know, sweetie. But do you think it's possible to have it be good?"
I think about that. "Deep down, maybe not."
She blushes a little. "It's... good... with me and Willow."
I smile fondly at her. "I know. Will's my best friend, remember? She tells me everything. I'm happy for you. You two getting back together is the one good thing that's happened all year. But we can't all be you and Willow."
"Just don't give up, Buffy. On the love thing or the sex thing. The two kinda go together, ideally."
"Sex sounds great. Feels great. But it never leads anywhere good. Not for me."
Tara shakes her head sadly. "What is it with you Slayers?"
"What do you mean?"
"Faith told me almost the exact same thing. She'd rather die than make love with Dawn. And I don't just mean now... I mean ever."
"She said that?"
"She said it to Dawn, and she said it to me. And she means it. I know how she used to be, with men... I guess this is the backlash. I wish I could help you both."
"Believe me, Tara. You help." I pull her into a hug. "Maybe I'll think about letting Dawn visit at Faith's." Maybe I don't have to worry about Faith's libido after all.
"I think it would make Dawnie very happy."
"Hey, guys... rough day?" Willow's at the doorway, looking at us in bed.
Tara smiles a little. "Rough year."
Willow notices tears on our cheeks. "What happened?"
"Nothing," I say. "Tara just told me some things I needed to hear. Listened to some things I needed to say."
Willow nods, accepting a peck on the cheek as Tara gets up. Tara's been known to tell her what she needs to hear, too. Whether she likes it or not.
I still can't believe Xander and Anya split up. Seeing these two together makes me happy more than it makes me jealous. They make me not want to give up on having love myself. "Hey guys, promise me something."
Willow wipes a tear from Tara's cheek. "What's that?"
"Promise me you guys will be forever."
Willow looks into Tara's eyes as she answers me. "It's a promise."
~ Continue to Episode 16 – Legends ~
If you enjoyed this story, try CV-1. Buffy agrees to a meeting with someone from her past. It's not what she expected.
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