These wounds; they will not heal...Sometimes, I just hate me.
It's been another one of those days... And man, they suck so bad. It's been awhile since my last entry... I guess an update is in order...?
I moved back in with my mother just over a week ago (on the first). What a pain in the ass. I had to quit smoking, partying, everything. Now, I feel like such a goody-goody, it's pathetic. I mean, I am just sick of being who everyone wants me to be. I like to wear what I want, say whatever I want to say, just be who I am! And everyone else... Well, they want me to graduate, and I want to get my G.E.D., and take college classes. They want me to wear colors and be happy... They want me to wake up, and take a walk in the sunshine. They want me to bring my head out of my art and stop typing and... I just can't. I have scars all over my arm from trying to let out who I am... And be what they want me to be... I just can't. I never could. I wear black, and sit in my room or on the couch... Reading, drawing, typing, and Wicca... That is my life... I don't have much to be happy about. I love Kage... But I am never sure about how he feels about me. I don't even care about fitting in at school or whatever; just going through my day, and finally, at night, I feed off the energy of the night... And sleep. I sleep until one in the afternoon, and I don't care that it is just escapism again... just like before. I don't care anymore...
I left behind a few good friends, in Oregon... Devon was one... Oh Goddess, I love him. ^_^ As a friend, though. He is the sweetest guy I know. He has saved me from myself more than once, and for that I thank him. I really connect with him, and every moment spent with him is like a dream. I really enjoy being around him.
Another was Andrea. She is like an older sister to me, I guess. ^.^ She is so interesting just to talk to, and I enjoy her openness and straight-forward-ness. I really don't know what I can say about Andrea. Her fiancé, Andy, is so adorable, and so sweet. I like hanging out with all the people in that house - including Devon, JT, Tim, Andy, Andrea, Billy, whoever else shows up, the kittens, etc... - when they gather in the living room to play video games. That's always interesting. :)
Corrin was a really sweet girl. She believed me when noone else would, even though I was telling the truth. That helped a lot more than she knows.
Same with Brenna. I liked her a lot. We hung out, sometimes, one of us would have a pack of menthol cigarettes or Camel's, so we'd chill and have a smoke break. ^_^ She was adorable, and sweet, and always there to listen and try to cheer me up.
I went out with this guy... Joseph... I liked him, more than he ever knew... I liked being around him so much, and we could talk about pretty much anything, like sex, even though we never "did it" or whatever... He was a good kisser, though. ^.~ And he knew just what to say to cheer me up, as corny as that may sound (or be). I miss him...
I went to a treatment center in Corvallis, and it sucked so bad...It was around my favorite holiday - Samhain (Halloween).. I met this girl there, Kay... She was cool. We both liked singing, and when we got a chance to sing karaeoke together, everyone just sat and stared. *.* It was odd. Then someone finally said,"Wow..." and then everyone cheered and such... That was the best part about my two weeks there...
Now, I'm home. I'm trying to be happy. I want to get on with my life, but right now, I just want to sleep. All the time, that's what I want to do. I think I've become anemic again... I havent been eating much meat, or eating much at all, for that matter... >.> I'm tired alot, and depressed... Well, maybe that's it. The tired-ness and not having an appetite may be from that... Whatever.
I'm going to bed... It's, like, oh-dark-thirty in the morning, and Rei is supposed to pick me up in a few hours so I can go see the counselor at AHS about getting a Visitor's Pass so I can see Rei and Kage and... People.
Goodnight, morning, whatever you will.
Blessed Be. Goddess Graces... - Rainne, the tired one... -