i love it here. i've met so many interesting and down to earth people that actually have things in common with me. i do miss my friends in youngstown but the ones who matter keep in touch with me and i see them now and then. mainly tim. :) here i've met people like freedom. :) he and i met at ceremony, the upstage's goth night out here in the city, about 9 months ago. we would hang out at the club whenever i was around but after i moved here, we became very good friends. we saw each other nearly every day, him walking to southside just to run into me. and me being wrapped up in dane drama never noticing how much this dear friend really cared for me. until the end of may. when i was having these dreams of him. and my thoughts kept turning to him. and we were spending long nights on the wall at the island having long personal coversations. him keeping me warm when it was cold. me thinking he was the perfect guy to be with but "he's too good of a friend". me thinking of him more than of dane. then the night, a week after my birthday, when we made yet another late night trip to our island. and we laid on the wall barely moving looking at stars. and he let my lie my head on his arm. and i snuggled closer. and slowly i moved my head onto his chest. and i was looking at him. and he at me. and we kissed. we didn't leave until 11am. we spent the night kissing. and the morning. kissing and holding onto each other. and that's when i realized he liked me too! lol and dane was forgotten. well except for this one confused week where i think i was just getting scared. but i got over that. and i married freedom with a clear and unblemished heart and an open mind free of thoughts of anyone else. i'll never want any other man. he's everything i've ever dreamed of and more. he makes dane look like a high school crush. we got handfasted just yards away from where we had our first kiss. in a beautiful field with the sun shining down on us with close friends and family there to witness our spiritual merging and spoken declarations. if i can, someday i'll put photos on my website.

dave and i broke up. 9 years. but many of them unhappy. content and safe and nice at times. but not truly happy. not soulmates. not in love.
i'm moving out.
then to pittsburgh asap.
amanda has disappointed me.
nessa has been there for me, i will be living with her.
amanda will be living with dave.
and i found what i was looking for.
the missing piece of my heart was not a woman.
what was missing was love.
and hope.
respect.
MYSELF.
and a connection that defies explanation.
and now i know what love is, what friendship means to me.
i now respect myself and others.
and i have found myself, come to terms with my past, i feel confident in who i am and what i want out of life. i am reborn and i have found peace.
and i have found that missing connection in an exquisitely kind and caring, beautiful and intelligent man.
he and i found each other.
and now my heart is full.

smoke searing my lungs shaking hands making it hard to type i need to sleep for sleeping is to dream and dreaming is to escape but will nightmares only come or will nightmares be preferable to what is real real is this real this is real this is what it means to be forever changed forever damaged must put on my best facade only it is melting away to reveal what i feel inside i have a secret i must keep to avoid being stigmatized cast out ostracized what doesn't kill you is only supposed to make you stronger i had a dream i was thrust through a plate glass window by the force of a tornado and i was one of the only survivors so i sought out another to take me down and it escaped my grasp so i laid myself out on a railway only to lose my courage so i wandered a torn up field littered with broken trees and broken bodies and sat on a fallen oak and lost myself to hysteria and woke up knowing the fate ahead of me and now i feel selfish and vindictive and nothing i say or do is going to solve my issues so i am lost i am to be forgotten i am to be ignored for i shall never regain what i once had i shall never again feel whole i shall never again feel pure unscarred unscathed i am more than a scarling i am an open jagged wound that will never heal infected untouchable lost inconsolable.

i feel so sick so nauseous about eight or nine or ten cups of coffee running through my bloodstream i saw the root of all evil the pandora box the human waste the walking biohazard and i wanted to actually kill actually wanted to know what it would feel like to eviscerate someone with my bare hands but no that would be a bad idea in a public place like denny's but maybe i could plead insanity or what not fortunately it ran away before i had a chance to give chase i just sat there twitching and geeking out and contemplating various methods of destruction i need to regain control i feel like i'm about to vomit i need sleep sleep is good and i can ignore everything else all the bullshit around me i feel very sick i want to stop hurting i want to stop thinking these things that run through my mind every day every night i need to stop. stop.

ever wonder what it feels like to have something sharp and twisted and hard as steel thrust deep up into your cunt ripping its way through your cervix, through your stinking guts, forcing them to explode through the wall of your abdomen while you are still aware enough to watch your intestines ravel out onto the floor and the realization that shock won't always kick in just when you expect it to, need it to most dawns on you and you die, fully aware, in a puddle of blood and bodily fluids and steaming parts of the evil inner you? you should. cause that is what i would like you to feel.

yet, dying would be too good for you.

knowing that you must live your life is my true vengeance.

have a nice life bitch.

fragments... i am the mist
through which you pass
so insubstantial
i am shattered
as easily as glass
so fragile

this is what comes out of my fucked up mind during 4 1/2 hours at denny's drinking nothing but overly sweet coffee and dwelling on my pathetic excuse for a life.

life is perfect i feel alive
nothing can stop me, i've healed the lies
peace within, love all around
and now i find myself forced to the ground
bitter rage, regret and despair
fear of what is to come, terror i cannot bear

everything is crumbling, falling away like so much sand
through fingers which simply cannot grasp
as my mind cannot
the thought of what life may now hold
the knowledge that i am damaged...

i only dream of silly things anymore, i believe it's a coping mechanism. things are not good for me. on the outside, life is pretty much going very well, but on the inside, i'm feeling horrible. my health is in a really bad state. for the first time in years, i question my mental state and i will never never admit this to anyone out loud for fear of looking like yet another wanna be manic this or that. believe me, i do not want to feel this way. but i'm good at hiding it. all i do anymore is cry and sleep. when i go out i can put on a really good show. just watch the girl with tears on her face laugh and say they're nothing. nothing at all.

i just woke up, it's 4am, and i remembered the dream i had so clearly 10 minutes ago but now it's slipping away. what i remember was actually quite silly for the most part, but i caught some sort of meaning here and there. mostly because i was a wraith again. yes, looks like yet another continuation. i still remember one thing clearly: being on top of a big hill with trees and smaller hills all around, the wind blowing ~right through me~ looking down on a small town way below, much like my favorite thinking spot back home, and it was late at night, very quiet, very dark but everything had it's own illuminosity., very eerie but very pretty and peaceful. now here's the silly part: me and nessa (one of few who could see me from the last wraith dream i had) were on this hill together and we were just sitting together talking and we were trying to figure out the quickest way down. so we rolled down the hill! i can still actually feel flying down, rolling over bumps and feeling grass and weeds scratch my face and snag my clothes. but i felt like i couldn't stop and that scared me. one odd thing though, i wasn't actually rolling, it was more like gliding because i never actually touched the ground, but i could still feel every bump. it doesn't make sense but i don't know how else to describe it. there were other little details before and after this one scene but i can't remember them now. the only impression i get is of looking for something. and having lost something big. and having nessa there made me feel safe.

things are much much better now. i am understood by him and he is understood by me. now it is time to move on. we agree some people are better to have as enemies than friends.
right now i have lost much respect for a certain person and i am becoming enraged by another. anonymity is a necessity here. i plan to soon say my good byes to those i find a burden rather than a blessing in my life. lies, drama, vengeance, all this backstabbling shit talking nonsense. i'm sick of it. i want no part of it.

i've been dreaming a lot lately but i can barely grasp what of when i awake. and i have a good idea what of but i think these dreams are best left to fade away.

dawn visited me at work today. she said she almost brought me roses. i almost wanted to scream. she will not reenter our lives. after one night i am reminded of why i loved her...but also of why i despised her. read the early days of my amalthea lunarabbit diary and you will understand why this conflict existed. this is why i cannot be her friend.
dave and i are just fine. we talked. he knows how i was feeling all this time. he just didn't see the burden i was carrying until now. he sees now that what was thought to be nothing more than a little scarling was actually a gaping wound. now my heart can heal. she needs to go away again.

1AM: music for my mood...the azoic
progression:
I feel the hysteria breaking My mind is altercating I try to rediscover That there is no other But something interferes My past and all of those years Why do I slip back into How it was before Going further down below The spiral, twisting, Inside, of, me Please come and take me from these lies The past and all that I despise Come rescue me With these feelings that we share The hopes and dreams, I cannot bear You’re all I need Subduing cries, beyond demise Can you believe? Why is it me? Confined and bound, forced to the ground Facing fears, Without a tear It’s complicating, but you’re facilitating The forward progression, of my soul Given the situation, It’s a revelation That you can be, So patient here To wait until it subsides, Until I heal all the lies For you to see, See what’s beneath The voices whispering through my head, The nights I always seem to dread With each cross I’ve chosen to bear, The choice is clear I know you’re not to blame, And I am so ashamed It seems, my forward progression is near It seems to change perspective now It seems so different now It seems to change.

harsh reality:
Shattered tears Internal fears Your stinging words abuse my inner self Oh, how you’ve helped Time is spared; I’m not repaired And cleanse the scars Reflect afar. A harsh reality I’m keeping with the ever lasting hate Or whether it’s fate, It’s all inside of me I can not separate the past From what could last Or what might always be. The truth disguised behind the lies Intentional. Do not resist Reflect upon recovery I can never compromise, nor go against my will Engage your eyes, hold back the sighs Embrace your fears and innocence Don’t be so tense I’m keeping with the ever lasting hate Or whether it’s fate, It’s all inside of me I can not separate the past From what could last Or what might always be.

i faced all the hurt of last summer last night. i saw dawn. i realize that by focusing on anger and vengeance when we ended, i was not allowing myself to properly grieve the end of our relationship. and once guilt washed over me for the things i have said and written and i made my apologies, the sadness came full force. by seeing her and talking about what went wrong and what was right with us, i was able to gain some closure...and realize that i cannot be her friend. she still loves us. and if i would accept her friendship, i would not be able to move on. it was a very emotional night and that was not helped when i got drunk. i had one drink that was sweet but hit me like a fist within an hour. and carmen was there. and she gave me a big hug and kiss. but forgot about me later. and kim was there. and that just made me sad. because i didn't know anything. i ended up outside hitting walls and the next thing i remember is being on the sidewalk, crying in mike's arms while he and josh did their best to comfort me. someone said i was hit by a truck. and mike said yes, emotionally she has been. he knows all of it. carmen left without saying good bye. i looked for her, almost desperately. i vaguely remember kim leaving. and dawn was still there with adam. we went for coffee. and all i could do was stare at my water. when i escaped to the restroom, dawn followed me. and that is when she told me how she felt. and about her fears. she was afraid of causing problems and if dave had a problem with her, she would disappear again. when i got home i told dave i saw her. and he accused me of sneaking around. he threatened me with turning my world upside down. he wouldn't listen to why i needed to talk to her and see her. does he think i'm stupid, that i do not listen to him? i am not and i do. but i have to make my own decisions, especially when it comes to my emotions and sanity. i went to sleep devastated by his ignorance. today when he hugged me i felt that maybe things are okay. and dawn is right. no matter how angry he is, his hugs are always reassuring and loving. so why is it that right now i feel like everything in my life is a threat?

a continuation of my death dream? i was in various locations i frequent with my friends but whenever anyone saw me, and most couldn't, and try to hug me, their arms would go through me and they'd freak because they'd realize i was a wraith. and i'd just stand there calmly looking at them questioningly. i remember seeing a bathroom stall scrawled with heavy black angry graffiti, all sharp scratchy letters but i couldn't comprehend what they said even though it was in english. i was seeing things, my vision started to blur and swirl, then i was alone. i woke up content, weighed down, then i remembered reality and the dream almost slipped away but i wouldn't let it and fell back asleep a little longer, but dreaming of nothingness.

my reality is very dull right now. everyone else is having drama except me and i'm happy for that. but i'm sad for the victims of the drama and annoyed with the perpetrators.
notes to self:
*never become a whiny and manipulative female.
*continue minding your own business
*buy chad a beer when we get him out with us
*be honest and clarify statements
*never wallow in self pity
*stop being everyone's shrink...you don't get paid by the hour
*find a six foot tall bunny asap

i had a gigantic bunny living in my home. think "night of the lepus". she was all black and had blue eyes. i rode her to work instead of driving. on my days off, we'd terrorize small children. cool.

something about one of my favorite stores in the mall being turned into a judy garland memorabilia shop. there were big shiny ruby slippers on the sign. i woke up saying what the fuck.

i had the most horrifyingly disturbing nightmare last night. i dreamed that i was preparing to die. i was staying with my family and dave and seeing all my old friends and packing away my things and deciding who was to have what and what special items were to be buried with me. and i even made my own burial gown of blue velvet and satin because i wanted to look nice if i was to be haunting anyone....then i did die...i was surrounded by the voices and caresses of all my loved ones and childhood friends in this beautiful attic room with sunlight streaming in thru the windows, all the walls were white and there was no furniture and i was on a window seat looking out over the trees listening to the wind blow thru the leaves and tears were streaming down my face...then i was in my coffin screaming with my mouth closed unable to move listening as the dirt was covering me...and i was still aware...and a voice said to me the pain of decay would fade as the whorls of my brain unraveled in my skull and my bones were laid bare by time. i woke up sobbing and struggling. dave was there to hold me but i've been unable to shake the horror of it all day. i've never been so disturbed by a nightmare before. details keep coming back to me and i don't want them to. it was all too real.