My Fucked Up Life
Part 3
12-09-02
I think I gave myself a concussion this morning. I leaned forwardto turn off the alarm and when I came back down my head collided HARD with the railing of my bed. All I remember after that is waking up a half an hour later. had a really weird dream while I was knocked out though. I have three new dreams to put up here but for some reason I just don't. I don't know why. I started taking these diet energy pills this morning. Yes, they are totally legal, so don't go all, "Oh my god," on me. My heart was racing so fast today that I fell asleep in class and my legs were shaking in my sleep. Then I tried to take a nap when I got home and I could feel my heart pounding, it wasn't fast this time but I could feel it pounding really hard and I slept for like 15 minutes then I thought I heard the phone ring even though it didn't and even after so little rest I felt lke I could run around the house five times without breaking a sweat. It was a kewl feeling. I'm seriously happy today and it's scaring the hell out of me. Maybe it's the drugs or it could be the fact that I'm about l------------------l this close to getting a boyfriend. It's the guy from SOLAR who's been talking to my friends about me all the time and he likes my personality and he's thinking of asking me out. It's not final and I'm not going to give my hopes up ar anything so I won't go on about it and jinx it. The song for today is "If You Want Blood (You Got It)" by AC/DC. I was watching Empire Records and I just thought of using that song. I have the biggest headache in the world right now so I guess I'll go to bed. I'll be back tomorrow, like always.
12-08-02
Went shopping today. I got two movies and a book. I got the really kewl sort-of-indepedent movie Vampire Journals and the old Little Shop of Horrors. I got a little farther in my Lord ofthe Rings fanfiction. I don't know when I'll get that one done, but I'm working on it. You know what I really want more than anything? I want the shirt from Hot Topic that has Gaz from "Invader Zim" and it says "I've got a squeedlyspooch." That has got to be the kewlest shirt in the world. I think my medication's beginning to work........... No, wait............. nope. Life still sucks. Maybe it was just gas. Strange dreams last night. Especially the last one. Then again, they're all strange. I really should finish all the work that I had for this weekend, but like I said earlier, I am a lazy sod. I've got a test and everything. Yet, I choose to spend my time with you. The people who never write and probably don't exist because I know exactly one person who actually reads it and tells me how good it is. Thanks Em. And thanks for the Prozac, it's been helpful. The song for today is "And I Miss You" by Sade. It's the song they play on Saturday Night Live when they have the "Mango" sketch. MANGO!!!!!! Anyway, I really should retire to my work. I have work on my fanfic and do homework and update the site so I'll go now. Nightmares and cabbage to you all. (<-- Don't ask, I don't get it either, it just sounded good at the time.)
12-07-02
I woke up this afternoon and I glanced at the other side of my room and my closet turn into a void of perfect black space. I don't know what that means but it was a weird thing to wake up to. Today was a very lazy day. I was thinking about calling my friend to see if she wanted to do anything, but then I thought that she might be out with her boyfriend so I didn't. Then about 20 minutes later she showed up at my door with him and we hung out for a couple of hours. I have the strangest urge for orange juice. I don't know why. I think orange juice only tastes really good when you have a cold. It's okay the rest of the time, but no one craves it, but when you have a cold, then you just HAVE to have orange juice. It is the elixer of life to a sick person. You know what? Elijah Wood is a sexy motherfucker. I think after all these years of watching his movies and watching him gow up, I finally see that he grew up to be a fine ass hunk of macho meat. He looks somewhat like a girl, he just has that unnatural beauty that onlyone other person has. And that person is Orlando Bloom. That's why they chose them to be elf-like creatures, because of their beautiful nature. I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow. I guess I could do the schoolwork that I was supposed to do. I just learned that there has been a guy that I met at SOLAR that also goes to my school who has been talking to my friends about me. Apparently, he likes me and according to my friends, I'm all he talks about. That makes me happy that people are seeing me in the "I like her after only meeting her once" type of way. I don't want to go to school for the next two weeks. I want to skip straight to Christmas holiday. I suppose the song for today shall be "The Red" by Chevelle. Yet another song that I can fall asleep to that is totally awesome. Goodnight minions.
12-06-02
I have nothing to talk about. I have no life. Song = "Binge and Grab" by Buckethead. See you all tomorrow.
12-05-02
Sick. That's all I am. Sick, sick, sick. I got out of school today. You should have seen the pile of moist tissues on my desk during the big U.S. History exam. After I got done with the test, I could hardly see. My eyes itch, my throat hurts, and I cannot breath through my nose at all. it stinks. I went home and slept. I can't go to SOLAR though!!! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry Adam. I'll go next time. I just feel really shitty right now. I'm going to work on my Lord of the Rings fanfic tonight if it is the last thing I do. I swear. I know that my entries have been a little as of late, but I just don't know what to type anymore. So, I am going to go and work on my fanfiction and my British thing and I shall return tomorrow. Hopefully I will feel better. The song for today is "Forever Young" by........... actually I don't know who it's by. I'll find out later. Anyway, it's a really kewl techno song. Yay Techno!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12-04-02
Well, my psychologists appointment got cancelled. And I think I have a cold. Either that or I am allergic to the medication that they gave to me. Nothing really much to tell about today but nobody missed me at school. It just felt like when they looked at me, in their heads they were going "Oh, it's her." more dreams and stuff in the site. I'm working on all of the other hings that I'm going to put on here. Eventually they will be done, I hope. I really have nothing to do at the moment. I could be writing my fanfiction but I have no inspiration since my computer is being used for other purposes at the moment. Therefore, there is nothing. Oh, well. The song for today is "Take On Me" by A-Ha. It has got the kewlest video I have ver seen that comes from the 80's. I love that song. It is so kewl. Well, since I have other things to do, I'll retire now and attend to my duties.
12-03-02
Well, I got my blood testing done early this morning. For details, which are too embarassing to explain out on here, E-mail me and I'll tell you all about the visions I saw in my head last night that showed up while I was unconcious at the doctor's office. But, hey, like I said, it got me out of school. Now I'm watching a movie where a bunch of British guys are running around naked and it's got Ewan McGregor in it. He is so hott and I love his accent. :) Did you know that Elvira has yet another movie. I rented it last night. She looks BAD. We're talking old and wrinkly bad. Richard O'Brien from the Rocky Horror Picture Show in it. Well, I finally rented the Lord of the Rings and got some great ideas for the next fanfiction. I'm afraid it'll turn out to be a "To Be Continued..." type of situation because the movie was left in such a cliffhanger that I need to be able to see the second one in order to get more of a hold on the characters and what will happen in the future. Well, anyway, tomorrow it's back to the grind and off to the psychologist for me. Aren't I lucky? Grrrrrrrrrrr................. I need new inspiration!!!!!!!!!! I was hoping that renting all these movies would trigger something in my brain but all it's done is nothing but a bunch of crap. Hey, the British guys are naked again!!!!!!! Mmmmmmmmmm, Ewan McGregor. (Drools) Okay, some clown just punched out a mafia dude. Man, those British are weird ones, but they are brilliant. The song for today will be "See You Soon" by Coldplay. It's so peaceful and I love falling asleep to it. Well, since I have nothing better to do, I'll go watch Lord of the Rings yet again and start writting my fanfic which should be very good in my opinion. Goodnight children, I'll see you tomorrow.
12-02-02
I wrote some more stuff yesterday but the god damned computer cut the rest of it off and now I don't remember wat I wrote. Fucking electronics. I think I was talking about how I was watching the movie Elvira: Mistress of the Dark and I wished I looked like her and I wish I had her car with the "Kick Ass" license plate and the figure of death on the dashboard and the studded interior with the chain steering wheel. Well, anyway, I went to the doctor today and he asked me, like, nothing, but he put me on some anti-depressant called Lexapro and he got me an appointment with some psychologist in Pass Christian and now I have to go get blood work done. Yay and stuff. (<-- Sarcasm) But at least I got out of school for it. You know, the other day my friend and I were talking about Hanson porn fanfiction and we figured there must be porn fanfiction for just about anything you can think of. And if there isn't, there should be so that way, everybody's happy. Speaking of which, yes, I am working on my latest one for the Lord of the Rings, I just need inspiration and the movie so that I can review dialogue and context. It's not like anybody cares anyway, but I have to do something to keep me sane for the time being. Well, children, I'm off to Blockbuster to look for inspiration. Toodles.
By the way, I LOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE YOU ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(<-- The one from SOLAR who played Broken the faerie, and who lives in Natchez.)
12-01-02
I don't want to go back to school. I'm watching Romy and Michelle's High Schol Reunion. This has got to be to be the weirdest movie in the history of the world. I don't know why, but I just couldn't get myself to get out of bed this morning. I woke up at around 10:30, but I just couldn't move. There was no light in my room and I was staring at darkness and it just didn't seem worth it. When I got up I went to see Harry Potter 2 again and since that took up the rest of my time, here I sit. Typing down nothing that has any signifigance and stuff.
11-30-02
All alone again today. Nothing to keep me company but a few movies, the endless blare of the TV and a continuous flow of music from the computer. I might go to Blockbuster later, but I don't know the use. I've seen almost everything there in the first place. I have to go back to school on Monday. I really do not want to go. But we only have two weeks until Christmas vacation, then I can relax for a while and get presents. I probably won't get a thing I asled for but, hey, what can you do? My eyes hurt today. I actually woke up early this morning. That's right, I said MORNING. It was strange, waking up with the sun. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday so they can find out what's wrong with me. I get to get out of ofurth period ss I'm looking forward to it with much appreciation. Tonight I am just going to go outside and look at the stars, unless of course I go to Blockbuster. Then I'll sit in the living room and watch TV. But, if I don't, then I am going to sit outside and watch the sky for a while. The sky was very beautiful last night. The moon is going away but the sky itself is very vast and gorgeous. I created a new away message for my IM. Want to hear it? Well, you're going to anyway. "I have ceased to care about anything for the time being, so it might be a while for me to return your IM. I will get back to you when my head stops spinning and I think life is worth it again. Right now I'm probably sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth, murmuring "I am not a muffin" so I'll get back when I come back into consciousness. It's no use anyway, we are all going to die and these few meaninglesss conversations will have no impact on the fate of every pathetic soul in this shithole called the world. So, have a nice day." I just decided to write that one day and I use it for when I'm away from the computer now. I keep seeing things move out of the corner of my eye. I think I'm either going crazy or the men in the white coats really ARE coming to take me away. I don't know. I was watching Edward Scissorhands the other day and I couldn't help crying. It was just so sad. I know I've seen that movie probably a thousand and one times but I just can't help it. I want that movie on DVD. I want every single movie by Tim Burton on DVD because they are all so dark and brilliantly made and I want all of Danny Elfman's music. He is a god to me. All he has to do is play one cord of one of his songs and I will melt on the ground before him in tears. He's that good. So the song for today is "Ice Dance" composed by Danny Elfman from the movie Edward Scissorhands. This is the part where the girl goes outside and Edward is doing an ice sculpture and he's making it snow and she starts dancing in it. It's such a sad song. Well, I must go now.
11-29-02
New Orleans rocks!!!!!!!! We went and it was so kewl. It was exactly like all the books that I have read and there were people everywhere. I bought a necklace and two CD's and a book called Please Kill Me. I also found some signs on the sidewalk. All of them said "Read the Bible." There were three of them and I thought they were kewl so I picked them up and I brought them home and they are now on the wall of the Dungeon, decorating the vast emptiness that is my bedroom. I had so much fun. We took pictures next to a gay bar and on Rue Royal and in the Virgin Records where they filmed the Dracula 2000 movie. I was so happy today. I will continue to type more stuff on the poetry page and stuff. I have some other stuff to do, such as lie around and do nothing while the TV feeds mindless drole media into my head. But other than that, I am ready for some rest and relaxation. I need some new movies and stuff. All of my movies ae great, but I basically don't need to watch them anymore, I can act them out on my own!!!!!! Oh, well. The song for today is a really kewl rave version of the Tetris themesong techno-fied. The opening line is "Let's play Tetris, mother fuckers!!!" then the song starts. Really kewl song. I should have some of the pictures that I took in Kansas on the site soon enough. Some of htem are kewl and others are just Morphine-style. Anyway, you guys could go and check them out along ith the poetry and the other poetry by other people. I'm off to type and watch a movie or act one ot as the case goes. Goodnight my children.
11-28-02
Thanksgiving!!!!!! I was looking through some of my old things today and I found a folder of poems that I had written in the sixth or seventh grade along with a song I wrote at about the same time. The song particularly got to me. I listened to the words that I had written so long ago and I thought of reent events and actions and I realized that in my adolecent state I must have somehow known the outcome of my future. The song went as follows: (Keep in mind that I wrote this about 5 years ago and I just found them today.
Torture
I see you there
Walking with her
Holding her hand
Emotions a-stir
Well, forget about you
You mean nothing to me
If that is the truth
Then why does it hurt me?
You wanted me
To be your whore
But all I wanted
Was something more
Now you're going
With three different girls
But they don't know that
Lipstick colors a-swirl
Do you care for them?
No, you don't
Will you love any of them?
No, you won't
You're just one
Big gigalo
Using girls
As your throw pillows
One over there
Another over here
One on top of her
Her amke-up's smeared
Well forget about you
You mean nothing to me
If that is the truth
Then why does it hurt me?
We held hands for a while
Had a few laughs
Just a distraction
For the aftermath
I'm a queen
And you're a bitch
It's like comparing caviar
To a bologna sandwhich
They might think you're cute
And think you're smart
But wait 'til you buy them
That cheap shit from K-Mart
Giving them
The same old lines
The ring you gave them
Used to be mine
Am I a psychic or what. This along with the other things that I have found shall be posted in my poetry section as soon as I can type them all out. There are quite a few of them. I just thought you all would like to know that little bit of info about me and my life. I'll retire now. I might be going to New Orleans tomorrow. For real this time. Goodnight.
11-27-02
I didn't write yesterday. I just didn't have time. I watched Buffy then me and Amy went to see Harry Potter 2. It was very long and very drawn out, but good. Well, the parentals caught me smoking last night. I guess they had to find out sometime. They're not, like, broken up about it but they don't like it and they want me to stop. I just hope I can. I've been trying for the past , oh, month or two to quit. I'm not like a chain smoker, but when other people are around me I can't help it. On a brighter note, it is almost Thanksgiving and we have no school!!!!!!!! Yay!!!! I got some new pictures in. They are the ones from Guy Fawks Day where Amph and I burned a likeness of Guy Fawks. You'd have to ask her for the details about that, I was jst there for the burning part. Nothing is going on today. Bored out of my mind. I could be cleaning my room, but where's the fun in that? I don't know what the song for today is. I guess it'll be "Die Another Day" by Madonna from the James Bond movie. I like that song. it's all techno but kewl andthe lyrics are awesome.
11-25-02
Today feels very "blah" and at the same time, kind of "squeee." I don't know. I'm in first period looking up epilepsy for my Anatomy class with Neil. I found out that I could develop it because I stay up late and don't get much sleep. Isn't that nice? Guess what. Em had a dream about me and when he woke up, his girlfriend Tara asked who he thought she was, and he said my name. Hehe. That made me feel better, but it probably made her feel weird. I didn't do anything, Tara, I swear! :) I am so glad that we only have two days of school this week. The harvest time of year is one of the best. Now we are looking up different types of depression to see what kind we have. We both think we are bi-polar. Isn't that cute? Well, anyway, I'd better go because there is like this thing going on where everyone thinks that there are trenchcoat mafias at the school that want to shoot everyone like in Bang Bang You're Dead. Wouldn't that be kewl? Then everyone would know that we are here and we exist. Everyone thinks I'm in the trenchcoat mafia. I can't imagine why. (Shifty eyes suspicious look.) I need some new bedsheets. I want black bedsheets and black curtains and to redecorate the Dungeon again. Guess what everybody! I still have high blood pressure!!!!!! I really need to get to work on some fanfiction. I swear I will get to work on them as soon as I can. The song for today is "Crawling In The Dark" by Hoobastank (<-- I think that;s how you spell it.) That's is an awesome song. A guy looking for answers but finding only the darkness that he is crawling through. Great song. Lots of truth in it.
11-24-02
Only two days of school this week. Yay. I am so in need of new reading material that it's not even funny anymore. I have read every book on my shelf, some more than once, and I NEED BOOKS!!!!!!! Nothing much to report, other than I finally saw the Harry Potter movie. Is everybody happy now? I guess I would have to read the books in order to understand the whole thing. Maybe since I have nothing better to do, I will in fact read them, just so I can everyone off my back about it. Then I will go see the second movie. We could go see it next week. I think I'm going to rearrange the Dungeon again. It's needs a new twist. I want new black bedsheets and black curtains and a black netting to put over the bed. That would look kewl. The song for today is "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen from the Highlander soundtrack. Actually it's from the "A Kind of Magic" album, but the people at Highlander thought it was kewl and used the whole thing as the soundtrack. Anyway, this song has so much meaning. "Who wants to live forever when love must die?" Doesn't that just scream at you. I know it does to me. I cry whenever I hear it, thinking about the movie and how all the people he will ever love will die and he will live on remembering them forever, and thinking about all the people I know. Well, I guess I'll leave you with that "surprisingly" depressing note. Ta.
11-23-02
All alone again. No one here to alk to or be with. I am so tired. I could be cleaning the Dungeon right now, but no. I am too lazy to do anything, so I sit here watching musicals. Right now I'm watching The Nighytmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton is a god to me. Next I am going to watch his very first film that no one but me has ever heard of apparently. It's called Vincent and it's only about 6 minutes long. It's about a little boy who wants to be dark and morbidly depressed like Vincent Price and Edgar Allan Poe stories. He's only 11 and he understand everything. I was like that at his age. No one understands why Edgar was so unhappy and morose all the time. IT WAS BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE PERSON HE EVER LOVED IN HIS LIFE DIED OF THE SAME DISEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! Even he died of tuberculosis later on in his life. I feel so bad. I'm depressing myself again. Maybe I shouldn't watch it. Maybe I should watch something stupidly happy like The Grinch or The Court Jester. What is it with me and muscials? I guess I just like singing along with the music. I happen to think I sing very well if I do say so myslef. Gah!! I looked up this Shakespear movie on my TV and then they all of a sudden started singing and dancing. It was scary. It's called and it's got Kenneth Brannagh in it. I love him. He makes all of the Shakespear movies. He was in Hamlet, Love's Labour's Lost, How To Kill Your Neighbor's Dog, Frankenstein, Wild Wild West, and Road To El Dorado. Dude, I just found out that Matthew Lillard is in this movie. Singing and dancing and everything!!!!!!!! Hehe. The song for today is "Tonight Tonight" by Smashing Pumpkings. The reason it is the song is because that is the song that I fell asleep to last night while it was on repeat on my computer.
11-22-02
I'm dying. Isn't that nice? My blood pressure is like really high and it has been for the past couple of days and it's not good for a long period of time. I'm wearing my Cindy Lou Who hair today. So, I feel special. Pulp Fiction is on. I love that movie. Samuel L. Jackson is the kewlest mtoher fucker in the whole world. There is nothing to do this weekend. Everybody is gone so there is no one left to be with me. The counselor said I was "a therapists dream." I don't know whether that is a compliment or take offence to it. I'm working on typing the fanfiction in here, but I'm just too damned lazy to open the notebook and copy it from there onto the computer. I really need to clean the Dungeon. It's getting a little rank. Life is nothing. I don't know why, but I just had to say that to everyone. I got some pictures from Guy Fawks Day and as soon as I can get them scanned, I will have them up here. The song for today is "Du Hast" by Rammstein. They have got to be one of the kewlest bands in the whole wide universe. I mean, they used one of their songs as the theme song for the game Doom. How awesome is that? I had a whole bunch of stuff to say earlier, but with the drabness that is the public school system, I seem to have forgotten every last word of it. Oh, well. I'll remember it later. It always seems to came back to me eventually. The bad things always do. I might have to share the Dungeon with my brothers girlfriend for a couple of days. I don't know how that is going to go. It's messy and the red light is in, plus I never go to sleep until, like, 4 AM. I don't know. This weekend I may just stay home, alone and pathetic, and do stupid things like clean or watch some more TV since I have run out of books to read, yet again. Well, I am going to leave you all with this thought: "Once by day, Twice by night, Closer to the grave." I don't know what it means, but it came to me one night and I thought it sounded kewl.
11-21-02
I'M BACK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone has been coming up to me today and saying, "You're back!" Like I didn't know that already. I just wanted to say to all of them, "No, really?" Kansas is pretty boring but I know I want to live there someday. It's quiet and they actually trust the enhabitants of the town. It was a very depressing trip. I finish three books and thought about death the entire time. On the way there, I could only see the dead animals on the side of the road, their blood still sticking to the cement. Had some weird fucking dreams. The Wal-Mart up there actually has clothes that fit me. I bought this kewl shirt and a pair of leather pants. I also finished writing another fanfiction. I will get to the others as soon as I can. I got to see a whole bunch of land that wasn't surrounded by trees. The grass was all yellow and dead, and it made a wonderful sound when you step on it or lay in it and roll on it. And you could see the full moon so clearly, you would think that you could reach up and touch the thing. I went into the nurses office today because I had an upset stomach, I ended up telling her my entire life story and she said I should see the counselor, then the counselor said that she would like to talk to my mom and that we should have a conference and that I should seek professional help. FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO AGREES WITH ME AND ACTUALLY GETS WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, tonight I have to tell my mom that she needs to get in touch with them so we can set up a conference. Joy. Well, I have to go now but I've put up some new stuff for you guys to look at so, here you go. I'll talk to you later, my children.
11-15-02
I am going away for a little while. A relative has passed on and I shall be leaving early tomorrow morning. I don't know when I'll be back. Isn't this just a nice end to a really fucked up month? So much has happened that I think I can just stop living for a while and not miss anything because I already did it early. To all my friends, I shall be back as soon as I can, and I'll miss you. To all my fans, whoever you may be, I hope to hear from you and I hope you'll still keep coming here. By the way, hey Em, I just bought the first two books of the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. I went on a shopping spree and ended up spending $50 at Barnes and Noble. Plus, I saw The Ring. That was a good movie exept for the really annoying kids that wouldn't shut up during the good parts. They were all like, "Oh, that was soooo scary" and "Oh, my god, don't go in there." I just wanted to yell for them to shut the hell up throughout the whole movie. Well, I guess I'll go now, we're leaving pretty early tomorrow and I need to get some sleep, that is, if I can actually get to sleep. The song for today is "Du Hast" by Rammstein. They are one of the kewlest bands in the world. See you all when I return, children.
11-14-02
My computer just up and decided to stop working the other day so now I am forced to find other ways of getting through to my people. or lack-there-of. Yesterday I almost lost it three times during school. I just couldn't take it anymore. Everything just sucks. Sometimes I wish I were not like I am. I wish I was a dumb blonde teenager with no cares in the world except for shoes and clothes and guys. Sometimes I hate being the one who thinks about death and destruction twenty-four hours a day. I know that we are going to die someday, but I wish I didn't. Ignorance is bliss. But, that's the way I am. If I didn't think about the dark things that go on in this world, who would? My mother wants me to see the guidance counselor at my school. She finally got it that I'm not alright in the head area. But, the school counselor?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Like she would understand. She probably won't even listen to what I'm saying. She just be all like, "Oh, your fine, go back to class." That's the way they all are. I have the pictures of Superman in a dress on the pictures page if anyone is interested in seeing them. There are some other pictures in there, too. Most of them are stupid, but that's the point. I'm really hungry and there's no food in the house. Anyone got any food? Well, on that depressing note, the song for today............... died like everything else will. I'll see you guys later.
Afterthought: Appears in the letter to mralreadydead@hotmail.com
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I kind of picture my future the same as in the book 1984. No one marries for love, they marry "for the sake of Big Brother". No one thinks for themselves but are forced to think what their higher authorities tell them to believe. Even the ones who try to escape are thrown back into the system, older and even more vulnerable to the attacks of the mind police. Brains turn to mush and then you start to believe that Big Brother is your savior, when he is in fact destroying you from the inside out. I don't know where all of that came from but I guess I was just going with an idea. I do that sometimes. My mind goes and I can't remember where I started and I get lost. (I just thought that was worth putting up here.)
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