This summer, I was having a lot of problems with myself and my mind. I thought I was being alienated by some other force and that I wasn't really myself. I tried to kill myself once because of this force. The second time it got really bad, I just wrote:
When I want to kill myself, it's not exactly like I want to. I'm scared. I don't want to die. But I feel I have to and it's going to happen soon. Something that I won't be able to stop. I don't feel like I'm doing it to myself though, someone else is gonna do it. Someone I'm scared of. No, I'm not schizophrenic. Scared of myself, could be. When I go to bed at night, I reflect on the past day and I hate myself, hate the things I've done and the things I haven't. Almost like I'm a different person criticizing the actions of another, embarrassed and humilified for that person. Could have something to do with the suicide urge. A trigger effect. I don't like the other Stacey. The problem is, I don't know which is which. I don't feel like Stacey, so am I the other one? Which one is bad and which one is good? Maybe they're both both. . . perhaps, I am schizophrenic. . . multiple personalities. . . but I'm not crazy. I'm not making this up either. Or am I? Fuck, I'm confused. How did I get from explaining my suicidal urges to uncovering that I may have multiple personalities? I don't know. My mind works in circles. If it's even my mind. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself. Or my own body. Or I can be just fine. The feeling is over now. Suicide, that is. The sick feeling is gone. Yet the possibility. . . it still lingers in my brain. I can't get away from it. Get away. I cry to be alone and then when I am, I'm scared. Scared of myself. Circles, here we go again. I already fucking wrote about this. Damnitall. It feels good to write. Haven't done it in alomst a week. That's too long for me. I might ask for help. Help for something. But who knows where I'll find it. On a street corner. In a gas station. In a doctor's office. Anywhere. I'm just so lost. And I fear I'll never be found.
"When you look in the mirror and wish you were somebody else. But it's just your perfect reflection. You and no one else.
It doesn't feel this way. Why can't I be normal? All I wanna do is feel normal. But out of place, not out of alignment, not lost, just normal. Something my brain strives to be but my heart knows isn't possible.
8/17/00
