The Dairy Queen
"Do you want a hug or something now? hah hahh ha"
Evilchild typed.
I formulated a response fitting my personality, "Why don't
you send me some ho's and a DIMM?" I replied, smirking.
"Ok there in the mail." Evilchild responded in stride.
"Ok." I typed back, knowing full well he was lying.
"Send them to POBOX 432 Augusta ME" I typed.
"Ok." Evilchild responded.
I was typing a long paragraph, ranting about nothing really when
my computer speaker's exploded with the sound GOODBYE! I looked
up in discussed, You're connection to AOL has been lost, please
sign on again.
I thought to my self, what I wouldn't do for 5 minutes in a room
with Steve Case. I looked at the clock that read 8:30. Damn, I
closed ICQ and AOL and decided to go to the mail box and check
for my $5.
Half way to the mail box I decided to take a detour and go to
sleep. I settled down into bed and thought about fishing. I
closed my eyes, and then opened them, to find it was morning.
I got up, and took my first step onto the cold dirty floor. My
knees popped as they do every morning, and I could tell I would
need to ice them after playing basketball. I gingerly went down
the 11 stairs to the living room. My ankle throbbed, I went into
the kitchen and got some Cocoa Crispies, and decided to fire up
the PC.
As I entered the Computer Room I knew my brother was on it,
probably making websites. I took a peek and saw sitting there,
his hair still messed up from sleeping on it. He looked like
shit, and I knew I was beaten, I'd let him use the computer while
I go out.
I decided to check the mail for my $5. I walked slowly out of the
house, across the glistening grass onto the concrete walkway
surrounding my house. I found the mail box as I had left it the
day before, empty. Disappointed I trudged back towards the house.
Just then I hear a voice call out hello. I turned slowly and
found two ladies too pretty to be from around here. They were
holding a package with a bow on it. I thought to myself what the
fuck is this. I decided to get a closer look, so I cautiously
approached.
"Hello, are you one Razor?" The blond women to my right
asked.
I nodded. I was quite taken by the whole situation. It's not
every morning I wake up and get two beautiful women holding a
package for me. I decided why not and asked the obvious question.
"What's in the box?" I gestured towards the box between
them.
"We don't know," They said in unison, they giggled.
Now my mind was racing, what the fuck is going on here, I don't
think the unibomber would send his gift with such pretty women.
So I ruled that out. So who could have done such a thing. Then it
hit me, EVILCHILD. Then I settled down, it couldn't be him, he
was just bullshitting me yesterday.
I decided to ask another question, "Who sent you
ladies?" That would give me some answers.
"Um, Evilchild." The brunet to my left answered.
I grinned. This was a trick. I looked at the package, my eyes
focused on it, and then wondered up the women's arm and to her
chest. Wow is all I could think. I decided to open the package.
I took the package and ripped it open quickly. Inside I found a
32 MB DIMM and $5. Ok, it was from Evilchild. Now I had the DIMM
and $5, so now the problem was what to do with the women. I
remembered my National Geographic upbringing and decided the best
course of action was to go out to Dairy Queen.
"I'll be right back ladies!" I cried, I was feeling
confident. I ran inside, twisting my ankle slightly, but that
wouldn't stop me. I got the keys to my Blazer, and yelled to my
brother I was going out. I dropped the box with the DIMM and $5
on the counter and returned to the mail box.
The women were still there, conferring with each other. I
wondered what they were talking about, but as I approached they
stop there conversation and turned to face me.
"Hey girls, would you like to go get some ice cream?" I
asked excitedly.
They looked at each other puzzled and hesitantly nodded.
I smiled, my plans were working. I signaled for them to follow
me. I lead them around the house to the garage. I opened the door
and let them into the Blazer. I started the engine with a flick
of the wrist.
I turned to the right and smiled again. I put the truck in drive
and pulled out of the drive way, heading to Dairy Queen. I looked
over and the women were whispering again. I decided to get a
conversation going.
"So, what do you do for a living?" I asked quietly.
"Well, we," They were cut off by the drowning sound of
a chain saw. I tried to make out what they said. I thought they
said we are teachers. Wow I thought teachers were be required by
law to be ugly.
"What kind of teaching do you do?" I asked curiously.
"Well, we turn boy's into men," The brunet in the back
declared with a devious smile.
I was puzzled, what kind of teacher turns boy's in to men. I came
to the conclusion they must be Physical Education teachers, it
was the only plausible teaching job.
"Cool. Maybe after some ice cream we could go exercise a
little." I answered. That seemed to strike a nerve, both
ladies smiled and laughed.
I crossed the street and signaled a right. I pulled into the
Dairy Queen. I drove around to the drive up and stopped. I
scanned the menu, and decided on my usual Buster Bar.
The speaker came to life and asked for my order. I said I'd have
one Buster Bar, and then I remembered I forgot to ask what the
ladies wanted. I decided to do that.
"So what do you ladies want?" I asked as I turned to
them.
"You," they both said. As they smiled.
"Do you want chocolate on that?" I asked. I know ladies
like chocolate.
"Whatever you want," They answered hesitantly.
"Well, come on, I'm not going to eat this, I don't know if
you want chocolate on it or not, you'll have to decide," I
responded.
They exchanged a puzzled look. "Sure chocolate's fine."
Wow, were they stupid or what, thinking I would know what they
wanted. I turned back to the speaker.
I'll have a Buster Bar and two You's with Chocolate, please.
That'll be all," I said.
There was some giggling from the passengers, and I couldn't
figure out what was so funny, was I missing something.
The speaker said they didn't carry You's. So I asked the ladies
to look at the menu and tell me what they wanted.
The brunet in the back said "How about a Cookie Dough
Blizzard?"
I knew they had that, so I ordered it. I turned and asked the
blond what she wanted.
"Let me see," she said as she leaned over me. I could
see down her shirt, which was pleasant. But after a minute I was
getting impatient, so I asked again what she wanted.
"Oh, I guess a Chocolate Sunday," She said
disappointedly. I saw no reason to be disappointed, a Chocolate
Sunday was pretty good. I ordered that too.
The speaker gave me a price of $5.75 and told me to drive up. So
I did so. I paid the guy at the drive up, who happened to play
soccer with me. He kept saying go for it, which I found odd, but
I guess he felt a little weird from the fumes in there.
I got the ice cream and puled out onto Main Street. I was having
trouble deciding where to go. I knew the ladies wanted to
exercise after all this ice cream. We could go to the Votech and
the track to run, or to Mollan Quarry to run hills. It was quite
a difficult decision. I decided the Quarry would be more
challenging, and took a right at the first light.
We drove with little or no conversation for a few minutes, I was
contemplating weather or not to use cleats on such a hot day, and
the ladies seemed content at just staring at me like I had grown
a second head. I nervously glanced in there direction a few
times, it seemed as if they were waiting for me to do something.
We arrived at the Quarry, and I tried to find a place to park
without getting pine pitch on the truck. I slowed down to survey
the area. As I looked to my left one of the ladies pulled the
shifter into park.
"This place is fine." She said with a sneer. Which
seemed odd since I found nothing amusing about getting pitch on
my truck?
"Um, I was thinking about over there in the clearing so
pitch won't drip on my truck," I tried to explain.
"No here is fine," the laughed again. "So ready
for some exercise?"
This is odd, they want to park here in the remote shade of the
trees, when the track is almost two hundred feet away and out of
sight. But I guess they wanted to walk off the ice cream.
"Ok, let's exercise," I declared. I opened the door and
leaped out of the truck. I went to the back and got my cleats on.
"What are you doing? We weren't paid for anything special
here," the blond declared.
I was appreciative that Evilchild would actually pay these ladies
to get me in shape. What a friend, always thinking of my physical
condition.
"No, nothing special just a mediocre mile run." I said,
as I listened for anyone on the track. There appeared to be no
one.
"Let's go ladies! It's time to exercise!" I said with a
sneer. I was going to show them up good on this mile run. Then I
could brag to Evilchild how I beat his high paid trainers at the
mile.
The ladies seemed stunned, they refused to leave the car. It must
be a trick, they think there so much better then me that they can
allow me to go ahead and still win. Well, I thought I'd prove
them wrong.
"Ok ladies, I'm going, I'll be back when I win!" I
declared as I jogged towards the track.
After my fourth and final lap I noticed the ladies weren't here.
I sneered it was a trick. They wanted to see how fast I could do
the mile. I think they must be impressed, that was a good time.
I walked back to the truck, taking my cleats off and donning my
sneakers. I jumped in the drivers seat of the truck sand started
it up. I turned and both the ladies jaws had dropped. They looked
so puzzled for some reason. I decided my mile time was better
then I thought. I sneered in victory, I had won.
I drove them back to my house. They were silent the entire trip,
which was odd because they seemed so much more social when I
first met them. We arrived at the house and I parked the truck in
the garage. I stepped out of the truck, and let the ladies out.
"Well, I hope you tell Evilchid of my time!" I
declared. I bid them farewell and watched them walk slowly out to
a waiting car. They must have used it to get here. The drove off
down the street, still seeming stunned.
I smiled as I walked into my house I picked up the package with
the DIMM and $5. My smile grew, I knew I had won. I took the
package to my room and decided that the day hadn't been a total
waste of time, after all I had the DIMM and $5 what better thing
could have possibly happened to me?
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