BENEFITS OF GETTING OLDER

• You can eat dinner at 4:00
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you
• It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size
• Your eyes won't get much worse
• Things you buy now won't wear out
• No one expects you to run into a burning building
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
• You can live without sex but not without glasses
• Your back goes out more than you do
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper
• You sing along with the elevator music
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• You send money to American Cancer Society
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television
• Your ears are hairier than your head
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans
• You got cable for the weather channel
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it