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Starting a family

For those of you that are contemplating starting a family please read on. Here is a list of questions you may want to discuss with your mate. I have provided some thought for each one. Please be honest for the sake of your child's future.
Am I able to provide the kind of love needed to insure this infant will survive and prosper?

Most of us can only give what was given to us. If you feel this was not enough, you should decide how you are going to provide more love and where you plan on getting it from.

Was I given the things needed to overcome the negative society into which I was born?

Most of us were given survival skills growing up but not the skills needed to overcome the negative things that your child will encounter. You must reeducate and learn skills to make it easier for your child to fully blossom. We must do more than just survive, we need to show by our own example how to overcome things.

What am I going to do so differently to help my child?

If you have not figured out what went wrong in your own upbringing you will have a difficult time doing things differently. This is why we continue to make the same mistakes with our own kids. Be aware of the things your parents were guilty of and don't repeat them. If your parents were too busy to help you develop into all you could be then be better to your kids. We can always criticize our parents handling of us as children but must do more than talk. Children seem to follow what they see versus what they hear.

Have I made a difference in my own life?

Your child is on the way to being another you, whatever that may be. Would you be proud of that? If you have not put into practice what you are trying to instill in your children, you could be wasting your time. We often think that we can get away with expecting things from our youth while not setting the proper example. If you are not a prompt person in practice don't expect your children to be timely. It never works. Expect your child to be a product of what they see you doing. Parents are always asking kids "did you hear me" because their kids have not responded to prior request.

Have I solved some of the problems that I encountered as a child? Do I really understand the uniqueness of being BLACK and all that it means in raising a child?

As parents you have a responsibility of connecting your child to their greatness. Failure to do so will put your child in position of always being a follower. If you considered yourself a follower it is because you were not connected to your greatness. As a parent you have the power to create a masterpiece that will be an asset to the world for the rest of their life. You can impart a sense of responsibility that will be engrained for life or you can allow the world to give your child those lessons. You have been disconnected from your greatness so you must reeducate in order to direct your kids.

Do I have the answer to the Black Family Dysfunction that has been part of our experience in America?

We are the victims of some serious past dysfunction that must be addressed. This dysfunction has caused us to be less than we should. Our families are struggling for stories that can be passed down to insure continuity of who we really are. Our ancestors here in this country are the products of a really brutal system that didn't allow them to be who they really are. This means we have to teach our offspring our entire history so they are not led to think we have only been slaves.

Is poverty something that will be a part of your child's life?

If you have not solved the poverty in your own life, why raise a child that will resent you for your selfishness in attempting to raise them in your poverty. Your child's self esteem will be tested as they try to navigate life in poverty. Usually poverty will always win and your child will be the big loser. It is hard to get children to be something that you couldn't.

Can I and will I work hard enough to insure that it's not?

Only you can be honest enough to answer this question. You know your track record and that is your best guide.

Am I in control of my life or will I have to apologize to this child for the life I've provided?

Don't go into starting a family apologizing for something you knew would happen. No child should be born to people who just wanted to have sex. Your children should see that you were in control and ready for the task. If not what will you tell them to explain their presence on this planet. That day will come sooner than you think.

Do I love myself enough to delay this decision until I can provide some kind of structure and stability?

You should love yourself so that the decision to delay is easy. Get ready to be a great parent and don't rush into a big mistake. Learn more about yourself and some of the mistakes that you have witnessed.

Am I from a strong close knit family or is my family fragmented?

Be honest about it. You in most cases will give your child the same sense of family that you had as a child. If that was not a very positive setting don't gravitate toward a repeat of that by not changing some things. You must pay close attention to how to solve the problem of fragmented families. Children are much better off with tight knit families. At some point they will want to know where your folks are and why you don't want to be around them?

Is my family a good example for my child?

Be honest, your family should be something that you are proud of or you are not. You must solve the questions about the negative factors and correct them in raising your own.

Can I lead my own child by my own example of being family?

What are you doing about being family? Are you involved in keeping things together or do you see your family only at funerals. Your child will most likely follow your lead. Please for your child sake understand the need to be closer than you have been. Sometimes family is all we have and all that we leave behind. In the event something would happen to you your kids they would not be in the company of strangers.

Is my child really being brought into a loving caring relationship?

Only you know how really caring you both are as parents. If you don't get along without a child you can forget about a family. The demands placed on you, as parents will not allow for selfish needs on the part of either parent. Why bring a child into a world that you haven't figured out. An uncaring mate is the worst possible scenario and even you should consider a change. These kids need more love than most people can give.

Am I involved in any self-destructive behavior? Is my mate?

Pay close attention to this. People that drink too much, do drugs, or are abusive etc are to be excluded from parental consideration until they have proven their mastery over their problems. To give the gift of life to a person involved in self-destructive behavior is the kiss of death. Don't be talked into it. It will not save your relationship.

Am I really proud of my mates potential parenting skills? Or am I fooling myself?

Consider that you as the parents will nurture and be the first teachers. Do you have the energy needed to continue the pace needed to propel this child to its greatness. There are no bad kids just bad parents.

Will I dedicate my life for the benefit of my child?

We all want nice big happy kids but are you prepared in case your child needs more than the usual attention. Most people are ill prepared to handle just the normal child. You must be dedicated for the task at hand no matter what.

Remember the more enlightened the parents the more enlightened the child. Please study this list and try to make a wise choice. We are responsible for the next generation. You must have some passion for your duties as future Mothers or Fathers. Give your offspring a chance by solving your own childhood issues. A confused parent will only produce a confused child. Please understand a child is a mirror reflection of the job you did or didn't do.

I want to leave you with this thought. Most kids fail in life because the parents did not SHOW enough love. This is the single biggest missed factor in understanding what went wrong when kids fail. The love I refer to has nothing to do with material things. It is a love that is constant and undeniable from the child's point of view. If you are too busy for kids they will feel your lack of love. If you are distracted by your own life the child will not feel loved. Love is the one thing we must have to insure a healthy transition into adulthood. Most dysfunctional adults would be okay if they would have just felt loved as kids. When this is missing they seek love any way they can. They mistake drugs for love. They mistake bad mates for love. Any substitute will do. The real love you give today will be the medicine against bad habits in the future.

Thanks and good luck with your decision.

Hotep, Brother Dalani Aamon
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