Cincinnati Sucks!

There are numerous reasons why the fair city of Cincinnati sucks the big one. These are but a few.

Its not Zion Canyon, Utah.  If I could live anywhere in the world, Zion Canyon is the place I'd be. Can't swing a dead cat without hitting something beautiful.

Keepers of the speed.  Cincinnati has the highest concentration of keepers of the speed of any place I've lived. These are the folks who camp out in the fast lane like they own the road, no matter who or what is on their tail. What is it with these people? Are they so clueless that they don't see the long line of bumper to bumper traffic piling up behind them? Or is it that they have a sense of ownership and refuse to relinquish control of the highway to people who have a purpose in life, other than pissing people off. Wake up, you morons! Pass, then get the hell out of the fast lane!

Tail gators.  It is really only natural that with the high concentration of the speed keepers, you get an equally high concentration of tail gators. These are the idiots who ride your ass down the highway, as if it'll speed the keeper of the speed ahead of you. Doesn't matter if there are 50 cars or 20 tractor trailers ahead of you, these rocket scientists will ride you to hell and back.

Road Rage.  Along the same lines, with the gators and keepers, there are the whackos. These primordial slugs gain access to the highway by osmosis, quickly shifting lanes regardless of their occupancy. When the gators piss them off, they'll slam on the brakes, mindless of the accordian effect they leave in their wake. They'll zip along at 90 mph, then cut off the late model chevy with the oxidized roof, only to swerve back into the lane they just left because there's pavement between the cars that're already there!

Under Construction.  Its been said that UC stands for Under Construction, and driving along the highways and byways of Cincinnati, its easy to see why. If it isn't dilapidated and near demolition, its under construction. There is nothing new in Cincinnati. If you want new, you have to cross the river into Kentucky.

Fat.  Yes, there is a reason Cincinnati was known as porkopolis, and it ain't because of the porcine slaughterhouse of ages past. It is all the fat people! I mean, I've seen some fat people before, but again, the concentration factor is at play here, and there are so many fat people in cincinnati, its no wonder the hills rise in Kentucky. All flattened out here! Here's a hint. Cut down on the TWINKIES!

Republicans.  Surprising that with such a blue collar area, there are so many suits out here. So conservative, so republican! Ron Reagan Highway, no less! He was a friggin actor! Even when he was in office! Has it occured to these folks that the country never saw such a decline in the economy that when the Reagan/Bush era was in full swing! Ok, I'll grant you the Wall came down, and Saddam got his ass kicked, but beyond that, what happened in your backyard?

Flat.  It is flat in Cincinnati. Where are the rolling hills, the monumental mountains, or even the trees? I live just a little north of the city, and it looks like deforestation was the major business up there.

Smog Alert.  Artimis tells us this. I would've never guessed if that stupid black highway sign hadn't told me that a highly industrialized area would have smog on stagnant, hot days (meaning a typical Cincinnati summer).

Artimis.  This has got to be the brainstorm of the republicans. Always playing catch-up with the East and progressive cities, this is the black road sign that tells you there's slow traffic ahead for the next 5 miles after you've cleared the slowdown, or alerts you to an accident on some side road you've never heard of, but DOESN'T tell you about the jack-knifed tractor-trailer blocking the highway ahead.

Bengals.  I love football. I love it! I'll watch them play. But, for crying out loud, this is a team that seems to have a chance, and never quite makes the grade. They're charging $40 a ticket to go see some losers! And they get a brand new stadium without a winning season to justify it! Now I know that stadiums mean revenue, and big bucks buys winners ... well, unless you're the Baltimore Orioles ... but at least they've got a few winning seasons to back them up. Welcome to the jungle, my ass. More like Welcome to the Bungle!

Cheese Coneys.  This is a staple food here, courtesy of Skyline Chili. They pile on the cheese, a big stringy mess of american cheese that falls off of a hot dog nestled in the midst of a swipe of chili. I don't get it. You order a cheese coney with onions and chili and they pile the cheese so high that all the onions fall on the ground. You can't even find the hot dog! Did I mention there are a lot of fat people in Cincinnati?

The Riverfront.  Oh sure, there's potential there. The river is dirty, and the road to get to the river is ... you guessed it ... under construction. The river front should be a mecca of shops, piers, shops, food, shops ... instead its ... a river with a wall around it. Yeah, they're building not one but TWO stadiums, side by side, so that you can watch losers play football and some surprising winners play baseball, and see water in the background (and sometimes on the playing field). But, because of the republican fat people who keep the speed, tail gate, swerve into other lanes without looking while they're making another deal to buy some poor sap's real estate on their cell phone and drop all the cheese from their cheese coney on their lap when they see another smog alert on the Artemis sign ahead, just to the left of the dilapidated school building that is awaiting the wrecking ball, the river front will sit idle in Cincinnati. Again, if you want to enjoy it, cross the river into Kentucky, where you can have a Philly Cheesesteak at Hooters and enjoy the scenery ...

REBUTTAL ... Why Cincy is a great place to live