Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.

And the shit just keeps coming...
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Ole, Ole remix by Azucar Moreno
Remember I told you in my last entry about me feeling weird about this semester classes??? Well, turns out my fears were totally justified. Yesterday, after arriving to my English Comp class, the same bitch who didn't let me get enrolled a couple semesters ago showed up asking for the teacher, I immediatly had the thought that she was there for something linked to me. I was right, as soon as she asked about the teacher she asked for me. I immediately freaked out and acted as if it wasn't me and when she left I ran out. Right after that I called my parents and told them everything. They told me to calm down and go home. When I did, I checked the voicemail since I saw the school's number on the caller id and my worst fears were confirmed. Someone called about my papers not being in order and soliciting a conference as soon as possible. The second message was more threatening, that one talked about me presenting my papers or I would get kicked out.
My father and I went today and there's nothing we can do. I can stay this semester but I have to pay out of state tuition (around $ 4 500) and I can't be admitted for the next semester. Pretty convenient for them if you ask me. They were like 'We are sorry for the inconvenient, it was our fault for not finding out sooner' traslated like: 'that's cool, you sneaked around but we're gonna fuck you in the ass because we're not giving you back a penny'.
Well, SCREW THEM !!!!!! I am going to get a job to save some money, so I can go back home and leave this shithole. I feel a little blue, how the fuck would you feel if you get kicked out of school after almost 4 semesters in school and then being told that you can't finish!!!!
This goes to the Southwest Community College in Memphis, Tennessee FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!

Finally !!!
Mood:  silly
Guess what??? I finally got to talk to my love. Yes, that's right, I called her last night and we were talking for about 3 hours!!!! I was just in heaven talking to her, and she was quite chatty which was great. We talked about a little bit of everything, while I was just dropping her hint after hint. God, I just love that woman!! She implied many times that she misses me and check this out, when we were about to hang up we both said goodbye but neither dared to hang up, then we were gonna do it after counting to three but we didn't until I told her that it was as if we were a couple, then she finally hung up. Why could that possibly have been??? Figure it out for yourselves, meanwhile I am happy, happy, happy after talking to her and I am going to be like that for quite some time! :D

Just missing everything
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Ocean's twelve OST - Crepuscolo Sul Mare-Piero Umil
Lately I've been thinking about A a lot. This surprises me because I think of her ocassionally, or at least not soooo often, but lately I've been like obsessed with her unintentionally. Sometimes I just start thinking about going back home while driving and a tear might go down my cheek....

Oh, well, going back to the subject, I have this theory that when I think a lot about someone without apparent reason, then that person is thinking of me. Now that would be great, wouldn't it???!!!

Missing my other life
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Some relaxing song from an unknown mix album
Today was my first day back in school. It was fine, but for some reason I sense that this semester is gonna be hell for me. I am not sure why, it's just a feeling, we'll see what happens....
Among other things, I was just checking my emails and navigating the web while playing an album with this electronica kind of music, but very calm and relaxing. I was feeling great until I started thinking about A, then I started feeeling very sad because I miss her a lot. I wanna see her, I wanna hug her, I wanna talk to her and hear the sound of her voice. My god, being here is pure torture!! And I can't even call her because I made like three one hour long calls to one of my friends, that's the most frustrating part! I wanna see my people !!! I can barely stand being here, I cannot wait for my schooling to end so I can go back home. I am really starting to get anxious being here. But what else can I do, right?
Well, today before I started feeling so crappy, I had the brilliant idea that I want to go to New Orleans during Springbreak as my birthday present. I've been wanting to go for so long, I guess since I learned that my favorite author, Anne Rice, lives there. Who knows? I might see her and get her autograph for me and my friend Daniel (Huge fans here!). That would be perfect, my father could help me out with the plane ticket and the hotel since he travels so much and has like a gazillion miles. Aside of that, a couple hundreds for expenses and that's it!! I wouldn't mind eating boiled eggs the whole time, as long as I am in New Orleans. I explained my plan to my mother and she seems quite positive about it. I might ask my friends Jason and Justin if they want to tag along, but I am almost sure of their responses. Jason is gonna be too busy with school and work to be able to go, and Justin I don't think is very interested in it. We'll see. Worst case scenario, I go alone. Perfect! I can do as I please. Although being in a different city in a different country by myself is a little intimidating, considering most of the serial killers in history have been from this country so I guess it's not so cool after all. I'll try to brainwash those two to convince them to come with me, if at least one of them comes, then great!

Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Beautiful Maria of my soul - Los Lobos
I've spent the last days, that is yesterday and today, helping my father with the flooring for the dining room. We took off that awful carpet and put the 'wooden flooring' instead. The thing was that putting that thing together is a total bitch! It chips even if you breathe next to it, so yesterday we only did like 2 rows. Luckily, today we got the hang of it and practically finished it. Thank God!!
I'm going back to school on Tuesday and I'm quite nervous about it. I don't know why, but this semester is freaking me out. I am also very tired of being here, as soon as I get my degree I am out of here. I just can't stand it anymore. According to my mother we're all moving when that happens because my father wants to retire and doesn't want my little sister to go to Middle School here because of all the bigotry and violence. I agree with her, and if she moves during that time I would like her to go to school where I went. That school taught me a lot and I had the best years of my life while being there. Hopefully, it'll be the same for her.

My crappy day
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Dead or alive - You spin me round (White label mix)
I went to the doctor a couple days ago to get a physical exam, it turned out that I was fine but the blood test wasn't ready so they would mail me the results once they got them. The results came in the mail today and it wasn't very good. Turns out I have my cholesterol levels high. I am feeling kinda sad about it for the sole reason that since I arrived, my weight went up the sky, my emotional problems and insecurities kicked in and now I am cholesteric. This sucks big time!

The origins of my desires
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Sing, sing, sing by Benny Goodman
I think it's about time to tell y'all about how my crush on A and on every woman in general started. I've only written this once in a draft that is loooong lost so let's see how i do this time.

It was September of the '98, I just had started High School and broken up with my boyfriend (who had a quite wondering eye), it was kinda hard for me considering that I had just left my beloved school of 3 yrs, my friends and had started school in a much earlier shift. It has always been very hard for me to make friends, and now in a new school i was very much freaked out, scared, I felt like a bunny lost in the middle of the forest. So the very first day of school, I went and sat in the very back of the classroom wishing i was invisible.

The days went by.... Then, one day I noticed three of the most beautiful women you could have ever laid your eyes on. I couldn't believe it! I was amazed and taken away by this girls! What was wrong with me? I had just been for three years in a catholic school where I had had boyfriend after boyfriend since I was 12! How could that be? Am I gay? Why was this happening? I had a thousand questions burning in my mind and felt very uncomfortable about enjoying the sight of these girls. This was not letting me live!! I had never felt this way before and I was totally scared about what it was and what to do about it. Finally, one day I decided that instead of spending my days feeling guilty about looking at them, I would just accept what that implied, that I was gay. I came to terms with myself and all those horrible feelings went away. And I have to tell you, I enjoyed looking at them at every chance that I got. The three of them were very beautiful, every one of them very different from the other ones. I never told a soul about this and it was gonna stay that way, at least until I figured out what I was gonna do. I decided that I wouldn't act on it, then one day, we had the tryouts for the different teams and all the women from the classroom were together for this. I started chatting with a random girl and found her to be very cool. Then I asked her if she would yell a compliment to a boy and she said no. To my luck, one of the aforementioned girls was next to us (Which would be my greatest love) and joined the chat. I had thought about it, and came to the conclusion that if I couldn't act on it, at least I'd become close to them. And so this happened with this girl, she was to me the prettiest of the 3 and her name was A (That's right, my impossible love), we immediately became very good friends, started hanging out, we were inseparable. We also fought a lot, she was quite frisky when I met her. She would leave my arms all scratched when we were joking around and once we even got kicked out of class because of this. I loved her sooo much, I just dreamt about kissing her (As I still do) and telling her about how I felt, but the mere idea of losing her used to discourage me from doing it.

A couple months passed, and I met this guy, it was because we were randomly grading test we had made and he had to answer mine which was hard as hell, and got an A+ in it. This surprised me a lot and I started talking to him, he wasn't ugly and he had a body to die for. We started hanging out sporadically, I used to lure him to make him ditch class and we would go to the running tracks to chat. He walked me to the bus station whenever I asked him to, and no, I WASN'T FLIRTING WITH HIM! He was just a friend to me, then one day, I found myself thinking about him which surprised me a lot. I considered my options and we kept hanging out, then one day, we were out of class early because of a hurricane alert and we went to the running tracks to chat as usual, then I asked him about it, and we decided to give it a chance (Little did I know, more than 'give it a chance', this would turn out to be one of the most relevant relationships I've ever had). We started dating and everything was fine, this kept me distracted from thinking about other women, but not my friend A. I preferred her over him a gazillion times, I don't know if I was that obvious but he actually noticed that I had something going on about her. He even once made a scene because I was paying more attention to her, than to him. He joked ocassionally about it, but I know he kinda knows. I've never told him about it, and I guess I'll never will seeing how ignorant he is about gay people.

This condition of mine, stayed dormant during all these years and if not dormant, at least not so strong since I ocassionally thought about women while being with my boyfriend (which is quite disturbing, if you think about it).

My love for A never dissapeared. I would always ask her why she didn't have a boyfriend since it seemed that no man was good enough for her, but she just said that she did't like any of them because they were ugly, cocky, etc, etc, etc. This kept my hopes up for a long time (Actually, I guess it still does), because she is a gorgeous woman but doesn't want a man around her which looks pretty convenient for me.

The years passed, I broke up with my boyfriend a thousand times, I cheated on him, he cheated on me, I got another boyfriend but I NEVER stopped loving A for one second. I would go see her as often as I could, drag her out to go to a movie or just hang out in her house. All this time, my tortured soul suffered about this forbidden love which I could never tell her about, so fear of losing her once and for all.

Then, I moved away and found myself here, in a very different place far from my forbidden love, my common love and all of my beloved friends. As soon as I arrived, I posted an ad in a couple of those dating websites hoping to meet someone, at least to be friends with. Within a couple of days, I received a response from a guy introducing himself, and that's how I met my friend Dan (Yes, the guy I was telling you about that 'fessed up about having a crush on me). I chatted with very different men from different countries, but I didn't feel that spark (Besides, most of them only wanted to have the so famous 'cybersex') as I did during High School. Then, I started watching this series 'Buffy: The vampire slayer' and a girl in the show caught my attention humongously. Her name: Alyson Hannigan. I thought she was the most beautiful girl on earth. I got obsessed with her, watched the show every day, even bought a pic of her on Ebay. My obsession faded away. Then, I was obsessed with Amber Benson from the same series, same thing but not quite strong. In the end, I watched one of Kylie Minogue's videos. OMG, what a sight!! The woman is a sexy goddess! Again, I was feeling that force inside of me, but this time I accepted it much sooner than before. To this day, Kylie Minogue is my favorite famous diva/crush, her and miss Angelina Jolie, of course (you can't be gay without loving Angelina). So I started checking out girls again.

On April of this year (or last one, I don't really remember), I was feeling very blue, missing my friends, and missing A. Well, after a huge effort to pull my guts together, I came out to my friend Daniel. He understood and supported me inmensely (And I'll be eternally grateful for it), so I decided to write A an email and tell her absolutely everything I feel about her. I was totally nervous, thinking that for sure, she would never speak to me again considering that her best friend was telling her that was very much in love with her. After a couple of days, she replied telling me that she appreciated it, she loved me too but just not in THAT way. She said that she would be my friend no matter what and that I could still count on her. The perk of her email: she told me that she wasn't sure about what she liked. Maybe she told me this to keep me from drifting away, maybe she's telling the truth. I replied telling her that I was cool with it. We chatted a couple times after that pretending I never told her anything, being great friends as we did before. Maybe she blocked it out of her mind, maybe she remembers and is aware of it every time we talk. Whatever the case is, I still love her as much as I ever did, and maybe when I see her again, I'll get the guts to tell her again, face to face, my feelings about her and maybe kiss her.

So that's that, my friends. The story from beginning to end of my gayness and I'm very sure i'll soon get into more uncomfortable situations to tell you about, until then... arrivederci, mon amies.

Surprise, surprise!!
Mood:  incredulous
Well, hello there. The last couple of days have been a real roller coaster and I still can't believe all that's happened.
Remember I was reminiscing about my friend Maciel from Middle School?? Well, I decided to use the number that her aunt gave me and when I called someone who sounded just like her answered. Obviously I freaked out and hung up. A couple hours later I called again, this time an old lady answered the phone, I asked for Maciel and she asked me who was calling and I gave her my name. Then the phone was picked up and I heard that voice again! It went a little like this:
M - Hello?
Me- Maciel?
M - Yes?
Me- Maciel Abreu?
M - Yes?
Me- You know who this is?
M - This and that?
Me- Do you remember me?
M - Yes!

And then we talked briefly about what she is doing now. She got married and had a baby on January, she's working and still living in the city.
I was so freakin happy about talking with her and shocked about finally finding her and finding out she is a mother now. We exchanged email addresses and now we're connected again (and for a very long time, I hope).

The other thing that happened that totally shocked me was that my friend Dan told me something that surprised me quite a bit. Now, you might be thinking about my friend Daniel who I was talking about the other day. No, that's not him and I'll tell you how I met Dan. When I first arrived here, I filled up a profile in a dating website. Within a couple days, I got a response from a guy about a year older than me. He introduced himself and seemed very nice. I returned him the email and we started chatting very frequently since I didn't know anybody here. He is totally amazing and we are quite compatible, for example: we both love horror movies, the gorier the better; we are both into rock and we can talk for hours. This was about 2 1/2 years ago and we still talk online at every chance we get. During all this time we've exchanged pix, but we've never met. We were about to meet to go watch Resident Evil: Apocalypse but he had a prior commitment. Then we were going to go watch Land of the dead, but this time I chickened out. And so we've never met but we've been seriously talking about it. I haven't talked to him during a couple weeks and then yesterday I got an email from him. I thought he was going to say the usual 'We haven't talked lately, I miss you, hope to see you soon, etc, etc, etc'. As I opened the email and read it I got to a part that froze me, he revealed that he's had a crush on me for quite a while since we get along so great and hoped this didn't freak me out. I sent him an email telling him that there was absolutely no problem, since i kinda feel the same way. Well, he was quite relieved and now we're in that phase where we flirt like teens when we chat. We'll see what happens.