now I find myself thinking more and more ernestly about doing myself in. There have been times I drive past Walgreens and fantisize about buying a bottle of asprine, and giving the tried and true overdose a try. I don't think I could drive out in front of a semi like I used to plan... dying in a car accident after Kevin would... I just couldn't do that. I think about dying, and the only stopping me is who I'll leave behind, who would kill themselves because of me. I cling to Scott and Tiffany as my life-lines.. and I don't think they realize how much I depend on them right now. I wish I could say that Erin was one of those people I look for support from, but she had faded into the background of my life. I wish I could say I'm growing closerr to Kevin's family after this tradegy, but I can't muster the courage to visit them, to call or write.. i'm afraid if they talked to me I couldn't hide what I feel. that I wanted to speand the rest of my life with Kevin, and I feel lost, like a child left at the Grand Canyon with no other option but to crawl over the ledge and jump. I know they will see me as half there, like a man missing a leg or a dor with one eye. I am so afraid, afraid to live, to die, to wake up, to go to sleep at night.  kevin was my foundation, and with out him I'm floundering to stay above water, I'm just surviving, getting tomorow. I graduate this summer... without the protection of school to shelter me from reality I dread walking across that stage into the empty unknown of adulthood..