What a weekend. Saturday was horrible. I was supposed to go over to Emily's for maragaritas and a good time, but she never returned my calls so I spent the night alone. Kevin talked with me for a while and then he went to sleep. And while I was in the shower, I just fell apart. I was sobbing, I couldn't even stop it, it just hit me. I guess you could say that I was finilly facing all of the shitty emotional stuff that I had just been running away from. I mean, a lot of stuff has gone on this semester, and I've been running away from it all, because I didn't want to face tht fact that the life I had imagined wasn't going to happen. And I can't really tell anybody this, well except through the anoniminity of this web page tha no one ever visits (I had a whole two web visits yesterday).
I guess I get comfort in the fact that maybe someone totally random is checking up on me, getting that feeling I get when I check on postsecrets.com. I'm just going to keep on beliveing that someone is out there reading this, and maybe they will say a prayer for me... or something... I don't know anymore.
And then last night. I was talking to Kevin to escape my shitty roommate. And we were just talking, goofing around, and he made the joke that he always does about how we should just get married someday, and joking back, I said I know, and we both had a laugh. But then he got serious, and asked me what would I do if he asked me to marry him. And he asked it in that way that from experience ment he was serious. He was serious. I asked him if he was really asking me this like right now ring and all, and he told me no, he would do it properly and everything.
Wow
Kevin is my best friend, and I'm planning on living with him in New York in a few years. but I never imagined us actually married. Well I mean, sure I have, I thought about it, I've thrown around the possibility of being intimate with Kevin, but mostly just when I get so depressed and lonely that I get the feeling he's the only guy I can keep in my life, which I have proven true again and again. But actually marrying Kevin? I don't know... That's a big thing to keep between friends. And I want to find who I'm really supposed to be with, someone to have a family with and to make love to someday. I know if I marrried kevin, everybody would think how sad, she was forced to marry her gay best friend because no one else wanted her. Is that what I want? And how would I feel when he brought men home? Would he have his own room? Would we have sex? I don't know.
I understand tht this means that Kevin has never gotten over his crush on me that he had when we first were friends. that means that when he says he loves me, he means it. I mean when I say it, I mean, I love him as a friend, I love him as the only person that really knows me. but LOVE love? Romantic, I want to kiss you and think about forever love? kevin feels that for me... but I don't know if I do... I don't know if I even really belive in that kind of love... this is a lot to think about, isn't it? Marrying Kevin, giving up on that hope that there actually is someone out there for me. marrying my gay best friend. I mean I want to grow old with him... but as my best friend, someone I could run to when my husband annoys me. if Kevin is my husband, who would I go to? if he was my husband, would we still be as close? Does he just want to marry me out of convience, because he can't marry a man?
And what if I find a guy, and fall on love and we decided to get married? that would crush kevin... damn. things get so complicated.