It had been five days since the encounter with Spike and Adam; five days since Angel had been more open with his feelings. And now he was even more closed off than before. They both were. As Angel had said, ‘What else are we to do?’ They couldn’t be a typical couple because of the ‘no sex’ clause. Buffy was also becoming more aware each day that even if Willow found a cure for the gypsy curse that it wouldn’t help their situation. Spike would always be between Angel and her. They could never erase the memory of the three of them.

Spreading cream cheese on her bagel; Buffy went through her schedule for the day. There wasn’t anything exciting or new or even special that she had to remember. It was just a way to put off thinking of Spike. There hadn’t been anymore sightings of him. It was like he dropped off the face of the planet. His name wasn’t even brought up. Angel still thought she was wrong to believe in him in spite of his own emotions toward the blonde. His attitude was ‘prove me wrong’ while hers was ‘prove me right’ and it didn’t bring them any closer.

Angel walked in behind her and headed for the refrigerator.

“There’s already some in the microwave.”

“Thanks,” Angel said. And typically he opened the appliance, took out the mug and headed for the door. “I’ll be in the study if you need me.”

“I need you,” she whispered softly as she sat at the table. She took a bite of her breakfast while she waited for him. He was still in the doorway contemplating what she wanted and if he wanted to deal with it. In the end he sat across from her.

“What’s up, Buffy?”

Buffy scrambled for a topic of conversation. The words asking him to stay had come unexpectedly to her lips from somewhere in her heart. She could feel the tension from the vampire across from her and finally she sighed.

“Giles is still acting funny,” she said. “I mean since that night I couldn’t get a hold of him, he’s been acting strange. And he won’t tell me what is going on.”

“He’s entitled to a private life, Buffy.”

Her hands were slowly ripping her bagel apart, leaving them in a small pile on her plate.

“I know but…it’s like I’m in the Twilight Zone. I keep expecting Rod Serling to pop up or something. Spike goes off to join the other side, Giles is acting goofy and you…you keep slipping away.”

His hands covered hers; squeezing them and when she looked up at him he was smiling indulgently at her.

“I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. When all this is over we’ll talk and figure things out but until then we need to concentrate on figuring out exactly what the Initiative has planned and stopping them. Then we’ll have time.”

“So, until then we act like strangers?” Buffy flinched as Angel pushed his chair back and walked to the counter. His fists pushed against the edge and she realized that even this anger was better than the cold demeanor of the last few days. “I’m tired of this. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of sleeping alone and feeling like you don’t give a damn. I know you do but still I…we need you. Isn’t it your damn job as head of the family to keep everyone in line? So, why aren’t you taking care of it?”

Angel turned to her with an almost evil twist to his lips and she felt a chill run down her spine. Maybe she had pushed him too far. She stood and started to back up but there was no place to go as her back hit the counter. Before she could regroup he was there, his hands planted on either side of her and his body pinning her in place.

“I tried to take care of it. Remember? And you said no. Please don’t. Your tears and pleas made me stop taking care of…it. What do you want Buffy? For me to go and drag him home? To lock him in the basement and torture him until he promises to be a good boy? Spike doesn’t break. I’ve tried for years, hell a century even and he is too fucking prideful to allow it. Now, as my mate, you can demand that I try again. Or you can try your hand at it. Maybe a whip administered by your loving touch might do wonders that no one else has done. Is that what you want?”

Buffy shook her head. Her hands kneaded his sides as she stared up at him. She knew that she had been treading a fine line when she had told him she wanted to take revenge in her own way and now again pushing vampire family roles but she needed something. Reactions. Actions. Anything to take away the numbness. She wanted Spike here to fuck her into the mattress while Angel caressed them both. She wanted to return the favor as Angel took Spike. She wanted the love that was a hazy cloud around them in the aftermath as they drifted off together. She wanted the fighting and the playing back. She wanted them back.

“I want us back. All of us. And I’m willing to fight for it anyway that I can.”

“Even if it means accepting my role as head of the family? Even if it means that you will be bound by rules that have to apply to everyone? Even if I feel that you have to be punished? And if it means that you might have to punish him. Even if you have to accept pain with the pleasure?”

Her hands cupped his face as she looked into his eyes.

“I love you, Angel. And with that I trust you to do what is necessary and if that’s the only way for us to be together again then yes, I accept it. I need us again, all of us, the way it’s been since he’s been gone, it’s killing me.”

Surprise lit up Angel’s face as his arms encircled her and brought her close to him in a comforting hug. Buffy snuggled close to him as she accepted that she had just turned her entire being over to Angel this time with no clauses or agreements. Spike had never sugar coated what life had been like with Angelus and what he had been scared her; the pain that he had enjoyed inflicting and the mind games that made him laugh but it was time. Moving forward was never easy and when she had searched herself she realized that she did trust Angel. Even when he had broken up with her, he had been trying to protect her and by bringing her back, he had been trying to make her happy. It was time to let go and trust her heart instead of playing it safe. For all of them.

The computer had to be lying. After everything they had gone through looking for an answer to Angel’s problems and it was this simple. Jenny Calendar formerly Janna of the Kalderash clan was a professor right there at UC Sunnydale. Willow blinked a couple of times at the screen to make sure that she was reading it right. Yep, Jenny Calendar, Professor, Computer Science, it was definitely there.

Willow debated whether to call Buffy and Angel about her discovery but decided to do some research before letting them know. If for some reason this Jenny wasn’t the right person then there was no reason to give them a reason to hope only to have it dashed again.

It was almost time for her to meet Tara and together they could walk to the Computer Science building. Gathering her books, Willow headed for the quad where she was supposed to meet her girlfriend. She couldn’t deny the thrill that went through her when she called Tara that. It was still taking some getting used to, being in love with a girl, but it felt so right that she didn’t want to hesitate or even question the relationship. Willow smiled when she saw the blonde waiting for her and she rushed forward to meet her.

“Hi, Tara.”

“Hey, you look excited about something. Did you get that ‘A’ you were looking for?”

“No, better, I found one of the gypsy clan. The one for Angel and she’s here. I mean here on campus of all places. Like right under our noses. Do you want to go with me to check it out?”

Willow smiled again as Tara laughed gently at her rushed speech and nodded her agreement. With Willow leading the way they quickly headed for the Computer building. It wasn’t far from the quad and they reached it within a few minutes. Ms. Calendar’s office was on the main floor toward the rear of the building. Willow knocked on the closed door hoping that the Professor was there.

“Come in.”

Tentatively the red head opened the door and stepped into the office followed by Tara. A woman sat at the desk busily typing on a keyboard, eyes focused on the monitor. After a few moments the woman glanced at them and smiled. Willow took a seat in front of her desk while Tara took the other when the woman sat back and gestured for them to sit.

“Hi, I’m Professor Calendar. And you are? I’m sorry if you’re in one of my classes but honestly I don’t recognize you.”

“We’re not in any classes, of yours that is, but we are students here. I’m Willow Rosenberg and this is Tara McClay.”

“Hi and how may I help you?”

Willow took a deep breath as she tried to collect her thoughts. She didn’t want to rush into this but there really didn’t seem any way to approach something like this delicately.

“I need to ask you something. Are you also Janna of the Kalderash clan?”

The reaction was immediate as Professor Calendar sat up and leaned on the desk. Suspicion was clearly etched on the woman’s face as she looked from Willow to Tara.

“Who are you and what do you want?”

“Like I said I’m a student here but I’m here for a friend,” Willow responded. “His name is Angel or you probably know him as Angelus. He needs help and I was hoping…”

“Get out. That monster gets no help from me.”

“Things are different now.” Willow tried again. There had to be way to reach the Professor. She didn’t want to go back and tell everyone she had found her but had botched things up. “He’s good and he’s helped to save the world quite a few times. And he’s in love and because of the curse he can’t really be with her.”

Ms. Calendar laughed as Willow tried to reason with her. The red head fell silently as she felt defeat but then Tara gently touched her hand. It gave her the courage not to give up.

“Do you know why he was cursed? Are you aware that he murdered the beloved daughter of our clan?”

“Yeah, like over a hundred years ago. And if the clan is still so tight then why are you here instead of being with them? He was a vampire, a demon when he murdered her. And he’s saved plenty of lives since he got the soul. And I’m not really asking for him but for her. They love each other so much and they’re miserable because they can’t commit.”

“Are you sitting there telling me that he is love with a human girl and she knows what he is and still wants to be with him?”

“Yes, I am. Why don’t you meet him and see what his life is like now? Then decide.”

Willow felt a little hope as the Professor leaned back again and ran her hand across her face. She sighed as she turned back to face Willow again.

“I will be in touch with my family. It is their decision not mine. And I don’t want to meet him. Is that clear? Leave me your information and I will get back in touch with you when I am ready.”

Grabbing pen and paper Willow quickly scribbled down her information and handed it to Ms. Calendar.

“Thank you.”

Willow stood and grabbed Tara’s hand as they walked out. It wasn’t the ending she had been looking for from the meeting but at least it hadn’t been totally bad. Now, she just needed to tell the others what had happened.

Angel watched Buffy’s face fall as he told her that he would meet her later instead of walking with her to Giles’. He needed some time alone before facing everyone. And as she walked away he returned to his drawing. The pencil flew over the paper as the features of Spike became clearer. Angel concentrated to get the shadows from his sharp cheekbones just right and the lip that slightly protruded when he was sulking while his thoughts ran rampant. As he drew, Angel’s mind drifted back to the conversation with Buffy from that morning. It still amazed him that Buffy had laid down her arms and given him control of their life. It terrified him and that was what his problem was. When he had slapped Buffy when this all started it had shown him how close Angelus was to the surface. Then his mate and Childe had demanded things. Things that had made him think that if he didn’t be totally passive then they wouldn’t love him. He had hidden away who he was and he had lost them anyway.

Now Buffy told him that she would accept him. She would do what she had to do to get Spike back with them and for them to be a family again. She had asked why he hadn’t taken control and done what needed to be done. Why he didn’t act the role that was his right? And it was his right because of her agreement to be his mate and Spike, by blood, was his Grand-Childe. But it was that right that had also driven Spike away because he had to have control over the younger vampire.

Angel threw the pencil and paper on his desk and stood, shoving his hands in his pockets as he began to pace the study’s floor. Memories of Angelus and control of his first family raced through his mind; the pain and blood that had held everyone in line whether they liked it or not made him wince at his once soulless cruelty. He would never, could never, force Buffy or Spike to do anything with the methods he used to employ. Like Spike had once said, his soul would never allow it but it hadn’t stopped him from using intimidation and fear to constantly remind Spike that he was the lesser being in the relationship.

Angel knew that when Buffy had given him control, it wasn’t because she really wanted him to use torture and pain to control his family. She wanted him to break through that emotional wall that she hated so much. She wanted him to let his emotions out and truly be a part of them and she was willing to accept all of him even the parts that weren’t pure and good. She didn’t need or want him to be perfect. With them he could be who he was because that’s all that they wanted was him.

Angel threw his head back to study the ceiling while he wrestled with what his heart and mind told him. It was time to make a decision. To decide what he wanted. And he already knew once he was willing to open the door to it. He wanted his family back. He didn’t want to just let them slip through his fingers because he was afraid of losing control of his emotions and heart by taking a risk on fully loving them. But something inside of him knew that if he took that risk then they would be there to catch him if he fell.

Buffy was right, Spike did have humanity, and Angel knew that the younger vampire could be kept in line with love because that was all that William had ever wanted. The steps had been taken and it was his fault that they had lost Spike and it was time for Angel to bring his wayward Childe home. To bring him home and let him know how valuable he was to the family. And if it meant finding a new definition to the family, to let Spike be his equal and to truly share Buffy then he would. He just had to let go, let his heart lead the way and Angel knew he was ready for the first time in his existence to do just that.

Angel had told her that he would meet her at Giles’ flat for the Scooby meeting so Buffy had come alone. She had stopped in his study door as he was sketching and Angel had glanced up at her before telling her to go ahead. She had hoped that their earlier conversation would have made a difference but he seemed to be just as broody tonight as he ever had been. She sighed as she started down the stairs into the courtyard when Giles’ front door opened and Spike stepped out. Surprised she leaned back into the shadows and watched as Spike said something she couldn’t make out to Giles and laugh. Spike gave a short wave and walked off in the other direction as Giles closed the door.

It had barely shut when Buffy pushed it open without knocking. Her Watcher turned to her, startled by her barging into his flat. She was too angry to bother with niceties. Giles knew she had been falling apart and Angel was losing his mind without Spike. He had been in contact with the vampire and hadn’t bothered to tell them.

“What the hell is going on?”

Giles pulled his glasses off, wiping at them furiously with a handkerchief.

“What do you mean, Buffy?”

“Don’t give me that. I saw Spike leave. What was he doing here?”

He sighed as he slipped his glasses on.

“He asked me for help and I gave it.”

“For how long? How long have you been in touch with him? And why haven’t you told me?”

“Buffy, he didn’t want you to know.”

The more that Giles stalled the angrier Buffy became. Finally she had something to go on, a small crumb of hope thrown at her and she wanted to shake it until the truth came out. The simple explanation that would be all it would take to finally put her world right again.

“Giles, please, tell me. I love him so much and I want him to come home.”

When she started to cry, Giles sighed and he patted her shoulder awkwardly. Even though they had been getting along better since she had come home they hadn’t full traversed their way back to being completely comfortable around one another yet.

“He’s working with Adam to get information and then giving it to me. And I was going to relay that information tonight at the meeting.”

“He really didn’t go evil again?” Buffy sighed in relief. “I knew there had to be an explanation. Why didn’t he want anyone else to know?”

“Because Buffy he wanted to prove to Angel that he was worth something. That he could be as valuable of a team member as anyone else is.”

“But if he had only given Angel a little more time, he would have come around.”

Giles looked a little proud of Spike as he gave Buffy a wan smile.