The water ran over her in torrid showers as she refused to think of the blonde vampire who had become so important to her and was now gone. Buffy knew if she started crying again that her soul would shatter into a million pieces as surely as the relationship that she never thought she would have. After drying off and brushing her teeth, she pulled on pajama bottoms then moved back into Spike’s room to pull a t-shirt he had left behind from the closet to cover the rest of her.

Once dressed she made her way to Angel’s room, maybe in his arms she could find some peace, and be able to be lost in sleep for a few hours. She had already decided that she was blowing off school today, there was no way she could be there, and no way could she deal with Riley and Maggie Walsh, when she was hurting so much.

His room was dark but she needed no light to find the bed. The mansion was her home and she could traverse it in the dark as easily as the house on Revello Drive. She pulled the comforter back and prepared to slide in.

“No, Buffy,” Angel said. “Go back to your room.”

His voice was as ragged as she felt and she knew that his grief was as deep as hers.

“Why? I need you, Angel.”

“Because I don’t trust either of us not to do something that we will regret.”

“Is your control so fragile that you can’t hold me?”

The tears were already returning as she felt another rejection and fear that she would lose Angel, too.

“The greatest comfort for grief is sex. You need me to hold you and I want to hold you and feel you and kiss away your tears but I am afraid that I couldn’t stop.”

“Damn you, Angel, this is your fault.”

Buffy stood and began to pace back and forth.

“I know Buffy and I accept it.”

“That doesn’t do us any good. Why didn’t you ever fix the curse or something? Or even tell me before you let me fall in love with you.”

“You bring this up now. Like it will fix what the problem is or is it only the pleasure that comes from sex that you will miss.”

“How dare you? You know I love him but I need you now and I can’t even have that because of this curse you conveniently forgot to tell me about until I was too in love with you to want to back away.”

This made him move, up and out of the room, his footsteps slapping against the floor and she followed, not letting him run from her. Her need for gentle and soothing comfort was gone and now she needed blood. It screamed through her, anger and pain deeper than she had ever felt, and she ran toward him and pounced, pushing him to the floor with her body weight.

For a moment they lay there, his face cut by the stony floor and she stretched across his back, both stunned by this side of her that had never been directed toward him. While she was still frozen he threw her off and sat up, a trail of blood down his cheek that he wiped away with the back of his hand. Their eyes met and she saw only cold detachment from him. That infernal wall that had kept Spike from getting what he needed and she exploded again; launching herself on him, fists and feet, flowing as freely as her tears and words of fury. He fought back and she found herself sliding across the floor before he held her down with his weight, her hair tangled around his fist while her hands were caught above her head by his other and she struggled to free herself.

He ground himself against her and she kicked her legs free from his and wrapped them around him, shocked by the need and pleasure that he was creating. Arching up she took as much pleasure as she could from the movements between them as he began to nibble on her neck. Slowly his hands released her and she tangled her fingers in his hair as they continued to grind together.

“Let me please you,” he whispered.

“Yes,” she moaned and let him take the lead.

His erection against her simulated the act of sex, moving up and down then pushing against her, grinding to give her clit the friction that it needed. Buffy moved restless beneath him, her hands moving across his back down to his ass and back up. As her body became more needful, she heard the noises she was making, whimpering and mewling for release and she felt the change against her throat when he switched to game face. She turned her head to the side to give him access and he took her invitation, biting into her flesh and drinking the richness of her blood. Stars lit up her world as she came, shaking in the aftermath.

He didn’t ask for his own, instead rolled them until she was on top, and they cried together, missing the one they needed.

It was awkward as they sat across from one another at the kitchen table. After ‘it’ had happened, somehow Angel had stood and moved them back to his room. Finally they had slept in each other’s arms and for a few blessed hours Buffy had found the oblivion that she had needed. But now as she glanced up at him, waiting for him to finally say ‘I told you so’, she squirmed in the knowledge that he was right. There was no way that they could live together without Spike. The passion between them was too tempting for them never to give into it.

Then there was the anger and hurt that would make it so easy for them to turn on one another. To lay the blame and rip each other apart because there was too many thing never solved and never said. Spike had soothed them and balanced them. Their love for him only made their love for each other richer and without him it was like a drought had taken away the flourish of spring. Maybe if they could drown themselves in each other’s bodies they could find a way to stay afloat long enough to figure out how to live with only the other there. To ease the rawness that existed by the absence of the heart of the three.

“We need to have a meeting tonight to discuss what happened at the Initiative yesterday,” Buffy ventured.

Angel looked up at her in surprise. Obviously, he had forgotten her absence yesterday that had led to his Childe leaving. After a moment he nodded. No words as he took another sip of his blood and they both wondered as he did if Spike had found nourishment.

“And I want to ask Willow to research the curse on your soul. If you have any information from when you tried to find something out it might be helpful.”

“All right,” Angel agreed. “I want to stop and get us cell phones. Hate the thought of those things but you need to be able to communicate.”

This time she nodded.

“I’m going to go ahead to Giles’ place so that I can call the others to meet there later.”

Buffy stood and headed out of the room before she stopped and back tracked. Leaning over she left Angel with a kiss on his cheek and an “I love you”, whispered in his ear. As she made her way out she could feel his eyes follow her but she didn’t know how to make it better.

They were passing around the pizza box when Angel appeared at Giles. Everyone else was already there, settled and waiting.

“Hey, where’s Spike?” Willow asked when Angel closed the door behind him with no Spike following.

“You didn’t tell them?”

Buffy met his eyes and shook her head. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to but it hurt too much and she wanted Angel’s support when she did.

“Tell us what?” Giles asked.

Her hand was held out for her mate and when he clasped it and sat beside her on the couch, she looked around at everyone. Then she took a deep breath.

“Spike won’t be joining us. He moved out last night.”

There was a silence for a moment. Buffy looked carefully around the room, gauging the reactions of her friends. Giles appeared to be shell shocked and then a disappointment flooded his eyes. Xander and Anya merely looked stunned, Tara looked confused since she had really known Spike that well, but it was Willow that surprised her. The red head looked hurt by him being gone.

“What happened?” Giles asked.

“We had a fight.” Angel said. “Now that he knows he can fight demons, he no longer needed my protection and decided to try it on his own.”

“Buffy, how do you feel about this?” Giles reached over and touched Buffy’s hand to get her attention because she was staring down.

At his question she raised her head and looked around the room, as tears took her over again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“You really love him, don’t you?” Xander asked.

Buffy could only nod, her throat closed up and she covered Giles’ hand with her own.

“You are just going to let him go?” Willow asked. “If the Initiative finds him again they’ll take him captive or kill him.”

“We are going to go and look for him after the meeting,” Angel said quietly.

Earlier Angel had given no clue that he had planned on looking for him and Buffy’s heart leapt at the thought that maybe Spike would be home with them later. She turned and burrowed into Angel’s side.

“Thank you.”

His hand played softly with her hair before bending over to kiss her but he gave no explanation as to why he had reached this decision. Maybe he was ready to start opening up and yield a little to Spike. She wasn’t going to delude her self that part of his decision was only to please her and to keep them together. But as Spike said every step forward was still a step forward and needed to be celebrated.

“You’re welcome.”

“Now, let’s get this meeting underway,” Giles said bringing their focus back to the business at hand.

For the next hour Buffy described the Initiative to them and what they had put her through. They tossed ideas around for ways to bring them down and to stop Adam before he had a chance to harm anyone else. At the end it was decided that Buffy would continue to ingratiate herself into Riley’s and Maggie’s graces until they could figure out what exactly their agenda was. It wasn’t really comfortable for any of them but at this point they couldn’t figure out anything else to do.

As they were getting ready to disband, Buffy asked them to stay a moment longer.

“Willow, I wanted to ask you to do a favor for us?” Buffy asked.

“Sure, what can I help with?”

The Slayer stood and went to stand behind Angel, her hands laid on his shoulders.

“We would like you to help change his curse so that the clause is taken out.”

“Do you have the original spell?” Willow asked. Then her brows furrowed as a thought seemed to occur to her. “What happens when Spike comes back? I mean, if you two, can you know, where does that leave him?”

“Good question,” Giles said.

“More orgasms for everyone would seem to be the answer,” Anya chipped in.

“It would leave him exactly where he is,” Buffy answered. “It just means if something happens then we are covered.”

“How much do you know of the curse?” Giles asked.

“I know that the spell is only known by the gypsy tribe. When I was first souled I tracked down one of the remaining ones and tried to force him to change me back but he told me that only one of their blood could reverse it.” Angel explained. “I searched for an existing member after Buffy and I got together but kept reaching dead ends. I have a folder with all the information that I have.”

Angel walked over to the desk to grab the folder and then handed it to Willow. She opened it and began to flip through the pages.

“I’ll go through this tonight and start on it tomorrow. If I have any questions I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks,” Angel said. “And by the way Buffy and I…and Spike when he gets home have cell phones. So, that you can get a hold of us easier.”

Giles quickly took down the numbers and passed them out so that everyone had them. After that Buffy dragged Angel out so that they could begin to look for their lover.

Angel had led the way, systematically searching each cemetery for him, each demon interrogated for news of someone new on the scene and they trailed through a couple of bars but still hadn’t found him. He kept telling her that they would find him sooner or later. Maybe not that night but the word was out that they were searching for him. Hopefully, if Spike knew that they were looking he would come home on his own.

“You know, when we find him,” Buffy said, “We need to take him out to the Bronze and get him the onion thing and some wings. Maybe get him some imported beer from England. He’s always complaining that the stuff here is piss water.” She paused for a moment then snapped her fingers. “And then…”

“Buffy, slow down,” Angel chuckled and turned to face her. He took her face in his hands before kissing her, slowly at first then let it build before pulling back. “Let’s get him home first. Make sure he’s safe before we smother him.”

“I’m sorry. I miss him so much.”

“I know you do.” He took a deep breath before meeting her eyes. “I do too and I want to be able to tell him that.”

“So, you’re not mad at me for rambling on.”

Angel shook his head, turned and took her hand to lead her into another cemetery.

“No, I know that you love both of us. And I’m learning to live with it.”

They heard voices and ducked behind a crypt to find out who it was before revealing themselves. Buffy recognized Spike’s voice and eagerly started to dart out when Angel’s arm encircled her waist and a hand clamped over her mouth.

“Shush a moment,” he whispered. “Let’s find out who he is with first.”

She nodded and allowed him to pull her back into the shadows again. The voices came closer and they peeked around the corner. Buffy’s mouth formed an ‘O’ when she saw Spike’s companion and then she felt her heart breaking all over again.

He was with Adam and from the words she could make out they were making plans to sabotage the Scoobies. It seemed he had returned to the dark side and was now plotting against them. It didn’t seem possible as she turned unbelieving eyes to Angel hoping he could make it better but the pain and anger in the brown depths only verified what she had seen.