NEWS

POLITICS

1/12/03

HEALTH

EAST KEENE- While most scientists believe successfully cloning a living being is close to impossible, try telling the same to local ‘clonologist’ Jeff-Mike Lapointe.

   In his laboratory on Church Street, he has developed cloning technology that matches the wizardry of the world’s most technologically advanced cloning institutions. “This is wicked easy shit, I developed a shitload of stuff yesterday, and I almost set a cloning record last Thursday.” Lapointe stated. “All those Doctors and college educated ass faces who say this is tough don’t have the good sense to poor piss out of a boot.”

   Lapointe, a welder by trade, compares cloning to wrestling. “I’m wicked good at it, even Jean (his wife) says so. See, you gotta’

grab the other guy by his throat and stomp on his neck… you know what I mean?”

   While the community celebrates Lapointe’s achievement, others remain not so confident in the local ‘clonologist’ findings. “This is not cloning, it is basic sleight-of-hand,” reports Barry Farnsworth, a neighbor of Lapointes. “All he’s done is spray paint an old microwave and called it a ‘clono-matic 3000’.”

    Farnsworth even denies the so-called ‘clono-matic' functions at all. “He’s not cloning anything… He just puts in one hotdog, and then when he rings a bell he opens it up and pulls out two hot dogs. It’s not science.”

   Lapointe defends his invention and questions the credibility of his critics. “Farnsworth is bag of shit

and he’s just jealous of my cloning. So f---ing what if I’m only cloning hot dogs, it’s better than anything he does. You see that deck on his house? He built that, and I swear to God every time his fat-ass wife steps on it I hear a crack.”

   Lapointe says he’s just beginning to understand the power of cloning, and feels in no time he’ll be bringing his invention to meet the world’s needs. “Someday soon I’ll be able to clone like a whole grocery store, and then we’ll see how important Barry Farnsworth thinks he is… He’s just pissed off because his wife found all his ‘Hustlers’ in the garage.”

EAST KEENE- Snow falls and falls and roads are covered deeper and deeper under blankets of white. For most people, this is beautiful and the winter’s snow is warmly welcome.

   However, for plow drivers the snow is not an excuse to enjoy the splendid scenery, but an opportunity to save mankind again.

   Derek Burns, a self- employed snow-plow driver often feels under appreciated for his abilities. “You see this plow on my S-10? This bastard saves your life every time it snows. If I didn’t have this, you’d never get out of your driveway and the roads would be so deadly you’d die.”

   While most people don’t recognize the importance of plow drivers, they do recognize they are usually plowing when it snows. “Yeah, I saw two plows the last snow storm, so what?” observed a local merchant.

   Burns supports this is the public's sentiment. He feels appreciation for the roads being cleared is usually mild at best. “Most citizens pay taxes, and expect the plows to do what they do. However, what you don’t know is that it takes a special breed of man, a man of action, like James Bond or something.”

   Although it was explained to Derek Burns that City and State operated plows are responsible for

clearing the roads, he still participates. “Well yeah, they do the roads, but I get other roads… I get like roads that they’re too scared to plow.”

   When this question was leveled to an unnamed city plow driver, he simply asked,“Is Derek Burns running his mouth again? That moron applies every year to the city, but you really oughtta’ check out his written exam scores. I think for the past seven years they keep getting lower.” Other plow drivers added, “He doesn’t really work for anyone. He only drives around, nodding to other plow drivers and asking people shoveling how much they wish they were him.”

EAST KEENE- In 1993, 39% of all bumpers on cars traveling through the borough of East Keene were sporting lame bumper stickers. Today, that percentage has reached proportions alarming enough to be labeled an epidemic: 77%.

   Whether it's rhetoric stating your child's good at school or Calvin pissing on a Chevy emblem, lame bumper stickers festoon autos nearly 8 out of 10 times. But officials state that distraction is the least of their concerns with this epidemic; more importantly they are concerned with how society will be affected by all of this. “Who can say how this information will influence the behaviors of those who see them?” questioned, one concerned sociologist.

   The citizens are also concerned, and even confused. "I swear to Jesus I saw a truck tearing ass up the road that had a sticker saying, 'FORD- Found On Road Dead', and another truck had one that said 'FORD- First On Race Day'. I mean what does Ford mean? Plus I thought Ford's were named after a guy or something!"

   While misinformation is one aspect of this epidemic, alienation appears to be another. Mitchell Wagner reluctantly informed us, “I was comfortable driving my Civic. I felt fine with my decision to get one. But I saw a bumper sticker last week that said, ‘Hondas are like tampons, every pussy has one.’ Now I’ll always think those guys in McDonald’s parking lot don’t respect me for who I am.”

   Currently, officials’ concerns seem to be strengthening, and nothing more seems to worry those exploring this issue than what Dr. Jerome “Fat Guy” Gilmore describes as the, 'unfortunate-misrepresentation of cartoon characters brand loyalty’.

   “I mean seeing Calvin urinating on a Ford, one could only expect to next see him doing the same to a Chevrolet. It only made sense; the two are clearly rivals. But recently I witnessed a sticker of Calvin urinating on a Buick emblem. Why would Calvin do that to Buick, and who is the rival to Buick? It just seems The urinating Calvin has run its course. Besides, hasn’t that cartoon been out of print for almost a decade?”

   When Rick was reached for comment, he said little to reveal anything about the situation. However, he did show us a Dale Earnhardt calendar he got for Christmas.

   "I flip through this calendar and I feel like he's still with us. I especially like to look at my birthday month, I like that picture of him the best." Rick also pointed out, "I get a little choked up seeing him, especially in this picture where he's doing a donut on the inner circle at Daytona... ahh wait you guys wanna know about herpes. I think I got it from some dirty dishes or something."

   Most of the doctors who discovered the source strongly believe the calendar has little to do

with the outbreak, but not all are so sure. "It should not be ruled out at this point. This is not the type of herpes — in my professional opinion — that is characteristic of unclean silverware. In fact, I don't believe I have ever seen herpes come from dirty dishes." Stated an unnamed doctor.

   While many questions remain unanswered, doctors believe the biggest gap has been filled, but express that some questions may remain unanswered. "This herpes is tricky. I don't know how Rick started it or what he did to it, and maybe we don't want to know." Said one source, "As for Rick, I think he'll be okay. I just hope he's more careful next time."

EAST KEENE- The week’s fierce weather is the coldest to hit the region this winter, and no surprise to many the freeze will hold on throughout the week.

   However, what is a surprise to many is the statement released by local officials today: the cold may hold a direct link in the decrease of reported indecent exposure cases.

   Local perverts have adopted the creed — much like the U.S. Postal Service — that no weather holds them back from their duties, but some believe the cold just may be too much.

   “On any given day when I make my beer run, I’m bound to see at least some flash of schlong or maybe even a ball or two,” said Mike Ruest of Brook St, “but not today… I made two runs before five and I didn’t see a thing,”

   Although these temperatures can freeze uncovered skin in just 20 minutes, warnings like this

usually hold no sway to the local perverts.

   “These guys don’t care, they show up, and that’s it. No whining, no nothing. They have a job to do and that’s it,” observed one East Keener.

   It is because of this persistence and strong will that has many questioning why cold weather in itself would keep the hardy members of the Local Perverts Guild #39 inside, and perhaps there is more to it.

   Minx Feuer questions the report and still has hope.

   “I bet they’re just practicing and getting ready for something amazing. This is the calm before the storm, so to speak.”

   In fact, the report has been met with much skepticism, and there are many who believe the officials are playing with the numbers for their own benefit. Giovanni Moonie, a raging yet fairly gentle paranoid, views the report differntly.

    “You see, it’s like the chicken and the egg thing; 666 the sign of the beast! You hear the officials report, and it’s all based on what they want you to hear, and you’re like ‘no way!’ That spoon just yelled at me.”

   Moonie’s caretaker added, “He gets upset when breakfast is served late, and sorry about that stain, I’ll have that dry-cleaned for you.”

   Some guy named Gerald pointed out “It’s not that the perverts aren’t showing up, but it’s just too Goddamned cold to go outside, so nobody is getting down to the police station to report the indecent exposure.”

   When the ‘Herald’ tried to contact the Local Pervert’s Guild and find out what they have to say, there was no luck. No one answered the pay phone at the bus station.

EAST KEENE- Corey Stingle still can’t believe it. Super Bowl XXXVII is this Sunday, and he got the night off from Wal-Mart.

   “Normally I work a double on Sunday, that’s what I do, but I got this Sunday off.”

   Other employees were not so lucky. Corey’s co-worker and roommate, Scott, has to work the tail-end of Corey’s double.

   “That prick owes me. When I asked him when the Super Bowl was he told me not this week but the one after. Then he puts in for it. If he touches any of my Hot Pockets I’m gonna piss on him when he’s sleepin’.”

   When the ‘Herald’   Asked Corey if he was going to consume any of Scott’s food during the game, Corey maintained he does not eat his roommate’s food.

   Scott denied this and added, “he always eats my food, that’s why he’s so fat. One time I came home and he was covered in mayonnaise that I bought.” Corey defended himself with “So what? I like deviled eggs.”

   Others are upset Corey got Super Bowl Sunday off, but for entirely different reasons. Corey’s manager Stewart told the ‘Herald’

   “It doesn’t seem right that Corey got it off. He’s only worked here

since October, and when I asked him who he was pulling for he didn’t really care. He just shrugged and told me he was pretty excited that both teams have pirate stuff for mascots.”

   One co-worker, unwilling to give us her name, expressed anger upon hearing of Corey’s good luck.

   “You know what? He ain’t even gonna watch that game. He’s gonna lock the doors and go through Scott’s drawers and sniff his underwear. I hear those two are queer.”

holidays, but that’s easy for him to say. I mean if I worked a pussy little desk job like him and I didn’t have to worry about the cold then

   Mike’s mother, shaking her head in disgust, points out, “you sack of shit, you vacuum rugs at the Valley Green, why in God’s name do you need to be fat for that? And I hear from Cheryl you sweat and breathe heavy the whole time, even when you eat your lunch.”

Although Big Mike has weighed 300 lbs. since 10th grade, he is confident when he says he will be at his fighting weight by summer. In fact, Mike even keeps motivation with him to help reach his goal.

    “You see this, I keep this picture of me in my wallet. It’s me when I was nine, and you can see I’m not that much bigger than the other guys in the picture. You see I know I can be skinnier again. And starting tomorrow I will be on my way.”

   Mike’s mother steps in and adds, “let me see that picture. That’s not you! Why in Christ’s name are you keeping a picture of a little boy in your wallet? You’re a goddamned sick shitbag, Mike. When you’re done with this little interview go call Cheryl and see if she’s coming over for our pot roast dinner on Ground Hog’s Day.”

EAST KEENE- The East Keene Junior Trade School Board of Trustees has come under much public debate this past week as it adds more courses geared towards teaching students the benefits of dropping out.

  With the addition of more courses focusing on quitting school, other programs, such as welding and basic electrical wiring, are being cut from the budget.

  “While it is understandable that the citizenry and public will be upset by such an announcement that fewer welding courses are being offered next semester, they should relish in the fact that we are offering courses based on the practical knowledge of dropping out of school,” stated an official EKJTS Board of Trustees’ press release.

  Many who are questioning the logic behind the Board’s decision find no solace in these words and continue to argue against the addition to this curriculum.

  “I’m not saying we don’t need any of them courses on dropping out,” explains one protestor and student, “but I already took like three other courses that the school offers for dropping out. Besides, I want to be an electrician so I think I might need those courses, you know?”

  “No shit, I don’t need no more courses on quitting,” another student adds to this point “and I wanna take the course about cleaning my rifle the right way.”

  While the Board of Trustees is still meeting and planning the following year’s budget, inside sources reveal that the much-debated curriculum will be unanimously passed.

    “Look, the students fail to understand that when one is in school, one is not making any money,” one board member explains. “We are trying to let the student of EKJTS know that we offer a many prospectus of the practical and logical ways to drop out and make real money.”

  Many who are participating in the dialogue feel abandoned by the school and question the sincerity of the EKJTS Board. Answers they seek may not soon enough be provided, but it is with this in mind that the Board states there is rhyme to their reason.

  “Learning is tough. I hated school,” snarls one Trustee. “It's important for everyone to know the last thing we here at EKJTS want to impart upon the students is training and education that leaves them with no idea how to drop out of school.”

WEST KEENE- A pricey and much-talked about divorce was narrowly averted this past week, when opulent couple Mark and Lorraine Hudewith decided to stop spending money on marriage counseling and to spend it on fake boobs instead.

   The decision was made by Mr. Hudewith after a weekend of consideration.

  “It doesn’t make much sense. We can keep going to counseling and keep spending more money, but the bottom line is no matter how long we keep going it’s not like it’s ever going to make my wife hot.”

   His wife, still recovering in the hospital as of print, had little to say other than she agrees with the decision if it will save the marriage.

  “Overall I guess I’m for it. It’s not like at my age I’m going to find another rich family to marry into.”

   Their now former marriage counselor, requesting to maintain anonymity, believes they may have made a poor choice and that this is a temporary solution that will not mend years of poor communication.

  “I was not aware this was the reason they stopped counseling… Oh well, I personally would not recommend such a decision, nor do I think this will diminish any hardships they consistently experience. Honestly, I think they’re missing the point.”

Both the medical and lay community may accept the counselor’s statement, but Hudewith strongly disagrees.

  “Does he really think he can shrink my head and make me think I think she’s hot? Please! For God’s sake, she’s had like four or five kids. I don’t think any shrink could get past that.” Hudewith also states, “and someone please tell me all that bruising and swelling will go away soon. It just defeats the point and is so un-sexy.”

   Mrs. Hudewith, who was unavailable for additional comments due to the pain medication, has actually mothered only three children, but no one at this point has ruled plans for a fourth.

EAST KEENE- The borough celebrated a winter miracle this past weekend with Ralph and Cindy’s 15-foot yellow icicle that hangs from the gutter of their Marlborough St. apartment.

  Seven people traveled from as far as Adams St. to view the marvelous and rugged expression of nature.

  “I call it a piss-cicle,” Ralph joyfully added. “Cindy keeps telling me to knock it down, but I think it’s kind of funny. I mean we only rent this place, so it’s really not my problem that someone pisses off the roof.”

  Cindy doesn’t see the miracle in the same fashion as her boyfriend Ralph, and dismisses the fact that the icicle is urine.

  “I don’t think it’s piss! We’d hear it if someone was crawling up there and pissing on the roof. For fuck’s sake it’s right outside of the kitchen.”

  While a yellow icicle leads to strong speculation of urine on the roof, no one can say for sure what causes this mystical event.

  “I mean what the hell else causes a yellow icile?" The infamous and unemployed Li'l Joe exclaims while flailing his arms and knocking over empty bottles. "I know he thinks his landlord overcharges him for this place, so who wouldn’t piss on the roof, and especially if it made such a sharp and eye catchin’ pissy icicle like that.”

  “Knowing Ralphie like I do, I wouldn’t put it past the prick that

he himself pisses on that roof,”  indicated Ralph’s friend and coworker Dave.

  Ralph and Cindy don’t know why or how they were chosen to be the lucky host of such a miracle, but one thing they do know is that it is bringing them closer to each neighbor day after day.

  “That asshole next door tells me the other day I got a piss-colored icicle hangin’ off my roof.” Ralph says smiling as he dumps his ashtray out the window facing his neighbor. “Like I don’t know, so I just smile at him and when he turns around I gave him the finger. He’s such an asshole.”

EAST KEENE- In a striking revelation from the East Keene Department of Researching Stuff, A local man’s domesticated weasel was shown to have solved the mystery of a missing gumball.

  Jon Hollinster, the owner of both the ferret, Colombo, and the gumball, believes the animal should be more closely examined as the next advancement in crime investigation.

  “I got me eight dogs, and none of ‘em could track down that candy, Jeannine lets that slinky rat out for 2 minutes and he comes running up my dungarees with the gumball.”

Further tests will be required from the EKDRS, but the advantages seem obvious: Being smaller

and more agile, the marmot can easily slither into potential drug stashing places; bad news for addicts, but a great relief for the police department, who have been struggling with ungainly dogs for too long now.

  “Them damn dogs have bitten me six times, once on the ass... at least if we are going to have an animal on the force make it one with a jaw size insufficient to cause flesh wounds.”

  All of East Keene could be affected if the follow-up studies are conclusive.

  While on duty, Every police officer could be required to be accompanied by a ferret making for quite an intimidating scene at arrests.

  Local pioneer Hollinster has volunteered to train the department ferrets by having them find all the food products he has dropped under the stove and refrigerator. As inquiry proceeds, Colombo continues his training.

  “Every day I put him in one of those silly harness things, you know the kind yuppies have for their animals only mine’s for training, and let him find shit all over. So far he’s found eight items. I’m proud of that little weasel.”

  Soon all of the east side could be just as proud as Hollinster, and a whole lot safer too.

EAST KEENE – Locals gathering along the corner of Main and Roxbury Street, and as far east as Dover Street, saw a guy that looked just like Jared from the ‘Subway’ commercials.

  “I am Goddamned 100% positive that was him!” screamed Nancy McMontross, “But it kind of looked like he’s falling off the skinny wagon.”

  McMontross was not the only one to notice look-a-like Jared’s weight gain. Others were in fact displaying a full gamut of concerned emotions.

  “Yeah, he did look fat again. But even if that wasn’t Jared, the real Jared could be getting Fat... I hear it’s hard to keep it off.”

  While concern consumed few, others looked for the silver lining and pointed out that fat heroes are not just national, but also local.

  “I got a cousin who lost 60 lbs. last year, but got fat again,” Derek LaRue said about five times. “I bet my cousin and Jared would hit it off and be wicked good friends.”

  Subway would not return the Herald's phone calls to comment whether Jared was indeed in East Keene, nor would they stay on the line long enough for us to ask.

  The potential Jared sighting has the community star-struck and sparked a commotion not seen since a group of elderly folk thought they saw Ernest last December; that event lead to tears and shouting when the elderly group was reluctantly informed that Ernest is dead.

EAST KEENE- From the snow-crested cliffs of Beech hill, to the low-income apartments next to Penuche’s, Pete Sanchezz Day celebrations resonated throughout the entire East Side today.

  February 10, every year since 1979, celebration is designated for the local dignitary to both honor his many achievements and celebrate with him in the beloved land he calls home.

  “Man oh man, I’ll do anything for a man who gets me a day off from work,” shouted Enos Boudreau, “I just wish my boss recognized it as a real holiday.”

  Pete Sanchezz has been a local hero and public icon since he Made a name for himself in the highly competitive East Keene Whiffle Ball Leagues.

His charm and talent steered eyes away from the negative side of the game that the sports writers often harped on; like the Great Herpes Epidemic of ’53, and the championships of ’67 in which neither team showed up. Both years, Sanchezz won MVP honors; two of the 23 years he received the award.

  After shattering most Whiffle records, Sanchezz brought local theatre to new heights with his comedy troupe as well as the Sanchezz Stage Players.

  They dramatized such historical and cultural events on stage as the Erupting Volcano of Pompei and The Trial of Ronald MacDonald.

  Sanchezz soon after entered the political ring, winning a representive seat for Ward Two in 1980. He still serves the ward most soberly.

  Some say Sanchezz has slowed down in the past few years, but those whose lawns Sanchezz mows disagree.

  “Yeah, I kind of feel bad, I mean there’s a foot of snow out there and he won’t quit. But who am I to tell Pete to slow down?” comments one festive resident of Grant Street who enjoys the random lawn-care of Mr. Sanchezz.

  Celebrations died down around 7:00 tonight, and many were too drunk to remember why they were drinking. Officials were ecstatic that the residents remained relatively calm and refrained from the rioting this year. However, three male drunkards wandered into a ladies’ room at Margaritas.

DOWNTOWN COMMON—A demonstration – staged on the common this weekend – rallying support for a war against Iraq, seemed to fall apart at the seams despite “wicked good” banners, signs and displays.

  Organizers for the event were both shocked and saddened that cars circling the rotary showed little support and ignored the signs that urged drivers to honk for war.

  “No support what-so-ever for our demonstration!” exclaimed head organizer Ralph-Mike Stettson. “Maybe fag day was today and everyone driving by was going to a fag day party.”

  It seemed patently clear that drivers were aware of the demonstration, indicating the lack of honking shows no support at all for the pro-war message.

  “I mean there was no mistaking why we were out here,” stated

co-organizer Daryl Rearden, “and we put the best signs right up front for cars to see. But not one car honked, not even for Stevie’s sign that said ‘Nuke ‘em all dead! every towel head.’ Maybe they were too distracted by the rhyming.”

  Supporters not only touted signs for reading, but also displays for looking.

  “You should have seen what Stevie’s brother Gene brought. He made, with his own hands, a mushroom cloud out of some kind of plaster or clay or some shit like that.” Stettson declares as he recreates the display’s shape with his hands. “I mean that’s what we’re talking about, nuclear @#!!-ing bombs, man! You know? BOOM!”

  While most rallies motion for support and seek to provide an alternative view of the government’s agenda, Stettson’s message more or less just lets the public know that he likes bombs, especially ones with big explosions.

  “I have to say I’m a little hurt that not as many people think we should bomb the Middle East. But so what? I’ve seen on the History Channel what those things can do! Man I can not wait!”

  When asked to comment why no one was honking nor showing support for the rally, Stettson pinned it one of two reasons:

  “They either went to college and have ‘thought it all out’ as to why our country should be pussies and not go to war, or like I said, it’s fag day.”

  Stettson – upon further analysis – has reason to believe the former of the two reasons.

  “It’s probably not fag day, because if it [were] then Daryl would be celebrating with them and wouldn’t be at this rally.”

EAST KEENE — A little more than thirteen years ago, Mickey Vaschon got his license, and from the start a natural instinct to yell at pedestrians over-whelmed him.

  Today, he single-handedly holds the record for consecutive days yelling at pedestrians from a car.

  “I can’t believe it, man. I mean yesterday it seems like the first time I ever yelled, ‘you suck’or ‘eat shit’
at some dolt walking. Now 4789 days later I’m the car yelling king.”

  Vaschon, now 33, claimed he wasn’t even aware of the record the first few years, but now admits he bordered obsession trying to attain the milestone.

  “Yeah, some can say I stretched a few times trying to get this record, but once I realized I could get it, I really wanted it and didn’t let nothin’ stop me.”

  And nothing stopped him indeed, including two driver’s license suspensions that spanned nine months.

  “Well, I probably shouldn’t have driven during my license suspensions, but I mean, if you want to get to the top, you gotta rock and roll, am I right?”

  Vaschon’s dedication and loyalty have inspired a whole new generation of car yellers. Some ponder if they can be the next Vaschon.

  “Ahh, man, I can’t wait to see what kind of shit I’m gonna yell!” exclaims one 16-year-old in line to get his first license picture taken at the DMV. “I mean, I got some lungs on me and I’ve been yelling from the shotgun side for a few years now.”

  Car yelling - an activity that seems to thrive in East Keene, where the borough produces some of the finest talent this side of Gardner Massachusetts - has a history that goes all the way back to when the first autos graced the roads east of Main.

  Vaschon displaces his cousin Derek as the new champion. Derek’s streak ended when he sold his car for liquor.

CVS PLAZA — The new mattress store, located next to Panera Bread in the CVS Plaza, like other mattress stores in the community has joined in what seems to be a disturbing trend: not allowing anyone who wanders in to nap on their displays.

  Some have found this out the hard way, like Minx Feuer, who alleges he was awoken from a beautiful nap and asked to leave the store.

  “I am no stranger to this behavior,” Feuer earnestly stresses, “I can not tell you how many furniture stores have kicked me out due to sleeping on their wares.”

  Feuer maintains that last week after eating a bagel outside of Panera Bread, he wandered into the new mattress store, for what he calls, “a little nap”.

  Feuer claims what happened next was a clerk asked if he could help him, in which Feuer replied with profuse head shaking in a manner that most interpret as meaning “no”.

  At this point Feuer lay down on the mattress in the front of the store and began to nap. Moments later, a store manager confronted Feuer and asked him to leave. Feuer collected his boots and put his pants back on, leaving the store in haste.

  “I don’t know, I mean what would you do?” ask Feuer, “If mattress stores don’t want you to sleep on the displays, then why do they tempt you with the beds right there?”

  When the Herald tried contacting the store, we forgot it’s name because there are like 400 different mattress stores in town, and since we forgot its name we couldn’t look it up in the phone book. And we didn't make it down there because it was too cold to go outside.

EAST KEENE —The fifth annual ‘Look Whose Shit Don’t Stink’ awards were handed out today at the home of Nelson Carmine in a ceremony unplanned and prompted by a disagreement between Carmine and his landlord, Mr. Fern Billington.

  The ceremony, very much similar to the three previous years, once again saw Mr. Billington sweeping both the ‘My Shit Don’t Stink at All,’ and the ‘I don’t Know Nothing for Shit’ awards.

  “That son of a bitch thinks his shit don’t stink, walking all around like he owns everything,” commented Carmine about his award winning landlord, “he thinks he’s so much better than me, driving that new Volvo by here… asshole.”

  While Mr. Billington could not be reached to comment about his stunning achievement at this year’s ceremony, Carmine’s wife, Elaine, doesn’t think Mr. Billington is even aware he won the awards.

  “Nelson won’t say shit to Mr. Billington’s face, but once he leaves Nelson won’t stop with his, ‘here’s your trophy, asshole’ waving around a friggin’ spatula and giving that annoying speech about some goddamned award.”

  “So what if he don’t hear me or  not?” Carmine poignantly shouted at his wife, “either way that asshole son of a bitch earned this award once again!”

  In addition to knowing everything and having odorless shit, Mr.

Billington has also received honorable mentions for flaunting his possessions and – according to Carmine – showing off his ‘swanky luxuries’.

  “Thinks he’s so much better ‘cause he don't rent. I bet he puts that 93-grade gas in his damned Volvo; dumb shit don’t even know it’s all the same,” points out Carmine.

  “And he’s thinking he’s all better than us ‘cause he’s wife is actually good looking and has a job. No offense, honey, but your ass is gross.”

EAST KEENE — Local Vagrant, Edgar, announced at a press conference earlier today that due to the increasing intensity of government transmissions it is highly advised all East Keeners cover their windows with aluminum foil.

  “I am an analyst, and no joke these are becoming stronger and more intrusive to us all,” Edgar declared early in the press conference, establishing a strong ethos to those present.

  “You see I receive transmissions from the government. I can’t tell you what they are saying, but I will say the government’s in your head.”

  Edgar strongly repeated this warning throughout the media event and also gave helpful hints how to effectively cover an entire window with aluminum foil.

  “The important thing to remember is that gamma rays bounce off of the foil, but if you leave one corner undone, it’s as useless as if you didn’t put any foil up at all.” Edgar’s hints were aided by his precise gesticulating of covering a window with foil.

  The press conference not only covered the aluminum foil basics, but also touched upon a few items that Edgar felt important enough to release to the media in attendance.

  “I united the Hell’s Angels with the Devil’s Disciples and turned them into one club!” Edgar ignored the reporters’ questions that erupted from this statement and rifled into another topic.

  “I don’t mind saying I like my booze. They kicked me out of Suffolk County because I stirred up too much trouble when they don’t sell on Sundays.”

  Reporters trying to find out more about the content of the transmissions found it fruitless to ask Edgar. He refrained from answering and instead licked his lips at reporters.

New Watering Hole Planning Grand Opening
-MikeG

EAST KEENE— Rutherford Cooper has announced plans to install a tap linking the kitchen kegerator to his front stoop.

For years, he and the High St. Cronies have been frustrated by getting up, opening doors. With the latest in outdoor technology, movement will be a thing of the past.

Though the tap is yet uninstalled, Cooper and Ray-Ray Park have been experimenting with undistracted stoop sitting. Due to the present temperature, the two are able to bring a case of Bull Ice onto the porch, creating a simulated tap event.

So far feedback has been good.

“You need one of them real big beer cozies on account of not having your hand freeze to the bottle, but the sittings good,” claimed Cooper. Once spring rolls around and Cooper’s Wife Nadine allows him to craft the two inch

hole necessary for installation, the tap will be put into place.

  “Preliminary testing has been successful, and I can’t wait to get out the saw,” said Cooper while pointing out the prospective location.

  Local competitors are concerned that this new style of self-service could be the obsolescence of waiting tables.

  “Once people start realizing they can go to this guy’s porch and get a beer without paying a tip we are finished,” said local beer attendant Marla Wallace.

  Law enforcement offices assured the owners and employees of area taverns that selling beer without a liquor license is a criminal offense punishable with a large fine. Such threats won’t detract from Cooper’s glory though,

  “How are they going to know I’m selling it, every stoop out here’s got

 20 people on it. I just figure on making a profit.”

  After completing the proposed renovations to his stoop, Cooper and Park said they plan on filling a dog self-feeder full of pretzels.

  “There’s a little eye in there that sees your hand [nose]and shoots out pretzels…dogs are always getting the good shit,” stated Park.

  With the converted pretzel dispenser and beer tap Cooper plans on a high demand for what he is selling.

  “Maybe next year we’ll add a few boards down that end of the porch,” he claimed ecstatically.

  For those interested in attending this alternative tavern, the inaugural event is tentatively scheduled for April 25. More details as construction progresses.

 Jimmy, a self proclaimed “American if there ever was one,” agrees from the passenger seat.

  “With all the crap going wrong in this country, the last thing we need to do is drop our guard and let the Reds come in through the back door and sit on our couch while we’re off getting more pretzels.”

  Neither man is unfamiliar with the subject, and both take great lengths to show their breadth of knowledge.
  
“I know they’ve got it in Europe, and somebody tried telling me they have it in Canada,” shares Harold. “But this is America, and as long as we can hold out against the centimeter, we can do without some new pinko health system.”

  “I have a cousin up there in [Canada],” recalls Jimmy. “He once

got so drunk on Labatt Blue he fell into a barb-wire fence and sliced his knee all to shit. The doctors sent him home not twenty minutes later patched up with a new pair of Wranglers. Now he’s in Siberia working off his Commie-debt.”

  Staring boldly in the face of facts, Harold shrugs off the 2001 Census Bureau statistic that 41.2 million Americans live without health care.

  “If those dirty hippies stopped spending their internet money on garage fulls of those queer Austin Powers cars and dropped forty-five bucks a month to Blue Cross, those numbers wouldn’t be around for you liberal media types to shake in my face while I try to eat these biscuits.”

  Adds Harold: “Besides weren’t those [Canadians] the ones who sold Alaska to Russia before we took it back in the War?”

  Harold was unavailable for comment on the full name of “the War,” as his truck finally started and lurched out of the parking lot.