Step 4
We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I have to say upfront, that I think in one area where the alcoholic refuses to "keep it simple" is here with step 4 and step 5, which follows it.
The BB says that if we fail to do these two important steps, we will "probably drink again". That all I had to know. That gave me the incentive I needed to do this, right away. I had been sober maybe 6 weeks, but I had done steps 1-3, to the best of my ability at that time.
Now I looked to put on paper, the things the BB had outlined for me to write down. I wrote a list of the people, places and things, I resented. There was a lot! Mostly just people. And I mostly just wanted to kill them. There had been murder in my heart for years, and all sorts of indepth ways of going about "getting them".....these people who had messed up my life!
At that point, it would have done you no good to tell me that perhaps some of it was my doing. No way! And, I'm thankful for that! Because to get deep down into all this resentment I'd been holding on to, I needed to look at just THAT. That was what I needed to write down - and I did. It felt good to just get it down on paper. It was causing me so much pain! As I wrote down names and reasons why, just like the outline in the BB suggested, I got some relief right away.
The written word can be a very healing process. My healing began when I could unload all this onto paper. The outline in the BB is just perfect for this. I don't know why alcoholics look to make it so complicated and search out all the different ways of doing it.
I kept it simple. The hardest part was writing about my problems with sex. I had had problems galore in this area. I started writing when it began, in my childhood, and went on from there. As I wrote, I seem to see a pattern here. The many failed relationships I'd had - where and why had those gone so wrong?
It was obvious to me, as I wrote, that I had much work to do, to get at the root of all this, and to find a way to overcome. When I discussed this step with my sponsor, she reminded me to pray throughout, so that God could lead me to be fearless and thorough. But I have to say, I don't think any alcoholic can do this step without some fear. There's the fear of the unknown.....that's natural. But don't let that stop you, because you will be aided by your Higher Power to get this down and to be thorough. I was.
Now I had to persuade my sponsor to let me go ahead with my 5th step. She thought I was going too fast. I wanted to be done with it! So we compromised and I waited one more day. I'm so glad I pushed her. I didn't know why I was doing that at the time.....later, I understood the timing. I had to finish this, before I could find any peace of mind, and with that, lose the obsession to drink. IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!
