Step 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
We have chosen someone we trust, with whom to take our 5th Step. I went to my sponsor's home early in the morning, and I left that night; it happened to be Halloween night. I thought that was very appropriate, as I knew I had gotten rid of the ghosts in my life....all the secrets, and the mistakes of the past.
But back to the step. I had my 4th step list, and I went over each item, and I just let it all pour out of me, things I had withheld since I was a child. I had read that resentment is the No. 1 offender of the alcoholic. I knew that resentment had caused me to be mentally, physically and spiritually sick. The BB said that once I could overcome my spiritual malady, the physical and mental self would then be healed. And, that's just the way it worked for me!
As I confessed all the terrible things I felt I was guilty of, my sponsor would say things like, "yes, I've felt that way" and "I can identify, because that happened to me, and that is how I felt..." I was amazed. Here was this beautiful lady, with longtime sobriety, who had once been a Metropolitan Opera Star, and she was identifying with me!
This was incredulous! But she explained that we are talking about the nature of our disease, and we all suffer from the same kinds of experiences, and we all become spiteful and resentful, because we feel helpless to overcome these things.
She assured me that I could now tell it all, because there was a way to overcome whatever others had done to me, or what I had done to others. I understood that this was MY inventory, so I kept my talk on my part in the things that had gone wrong in my life. I came to understand that my selfishness had brought many of my problems to me.
As alcoholics we, more than anyone, keep doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results. I saw that was my pattern of living. I never seemed to have learned anything about myself; and I knew why; I was afraid to look at myself, look within, till now. When I would think about it before, I had no way of changing any of it. But now, I had a higher power, whom I call God, and I knew that I was free to talk about all of this now, because He would show me how to change.
I had to be rid of the guilt, the anger and the fear that had controlled my life. So, I continued on with my rigorous honesty. It wasn't easy, and at times, I broke down into tears......but I was finally seeing things as they are, and not the way I wished they could be.
We went into my sex life. It seems that alcoholics have had numerous problems with sex, and I was no exception. I talked openly about the things I had done to gain attention, to obtain material things for myself, and I'd read where the BB says that I had to set a goal regarding my sex life, and be willing to grow towards it. I've had newcomers to AA ask me what I meant by the sexual goals I set in step 5.
Some had never heard of this......yet it is a big part of this step, and very important. The other important part is to write down what we are angry about, even if we have no resentments regarding it. I did this.
It became clear to me, as we talked, that there were many shortcomings I had to work to overcome; it also became clear that there were those on my list to whom I owed an amend. It seemed that everything I'd ever wondered about, was finally being faced.
When I had emptied my heart and soul, by talking even when tears would overwhelm me, I was thorough! I knew I was building an arch through which I would walk free at last - and I did. I don't think I drove myself home; I believe I went back home on the wings of angels!
When I got to my apt., I took down my BB, as that book had suggested, and I felt at peace, really, for the first time in my life. I was now reading step 6, as I was ready to go forward in my recovery......
