Now that I look back, I was meaner to him than
he ever was to me.

Sure, I didn't throw things across the room but I said some of the most
heartless things that I didn't even think I could say!

I remember one of the most heartless things that I ever did … Nick had
a songwriter write a song called 'Heaven In Your Eyes' for me, thinking
that it would bring us closer together!

It didn't exactly turn out that way, I threw a fit because Nick didn't write
it himself, and I remember telling him how stupid he was for not being able
to write one silly song!

It brought tears to his eyes when I told him that I didn't know
why I stayed with someone as stupid as him!

I stayed cruel like that for several months, Nick never said a mean
word to me but always begged me just to hold him!

He didn't even beg for sex anymore, he just wanted to be held-like a baby!

I guess I was having PMS that was lasting a tad longer than five to seven days!

But one day Nick finally went to Brian asking for advice…
that made Brian have a talk with me!

When Brian told me how miserable Nick was, it opened my eyes like
it opened Nick's when my hand went across his face!

I started being more loving-more understandable and I would hold him for sometimes
hours at a time.

Nick turned into the sweetest guy in the world again; I loved him more
than the air that went into my lungs...

We got closer over time and we went almost the whole year without
fighting… that is until I killed him!

I look back over pictures that Nick had made of him and me.

We seemed so happy then, so full of life and so in-love!

But that was all a lie… Nick was happy but it wasn't enough for me...

I wanted more, I didn't know exactly what I wanted from Nick… I just wanted
more than being on tour with him, him buying me expensive stuff,
him saying those simple little three words.

I know that you are thinking what else more could I want… well,
that's a question that will never be answered.

I remember the first thing that made our non-fighting wonderful
relationship rocky after that first year.

After the first rocky day… it was only one month until Nick would be buried six feet under!