Nick and I started doing well after that first break up!

He always made time for me or
at least busted his ass trying to!

I can remember one time when Nick almost gave his dream
up of being a Backstreet Boy to spend one night
with me, because Johnny wouldn't let him!

It was probably a year ago, Nick and the others
had been doing shows night after night.

Nick was so tired, you could see the dark circles under his
eyes, how his energy was draining from his body!

Johnny had told them that they could have the night off, Nick and
me had planned to spend it in a hot tub just relaxing!

At the last minute Johnny scheduled an interview, Nick was so mad!

I can remember him throwing a vase across the room smashing it
into the wall, I tried to comfort him the best way I could
when the words came out of his mouth.

"I'm quitting!"

I remember pulling away from his warm body to look into
his eyes, "Nick baby, you can't do that!"

"Yes I am… I can't have one night with you…
all I wanted to do was feel you!"

'Feel you' was his words for having sex, I loved it when
he would say that so innocently, so cute!

I smiled and wrapped my arms around him, "Nick, the interview will
probably last no more than an hour, please don't quit!" I remember
begging as Nick placed one hand down my pants.

"Please?" Nick said innocently.

I remember finally talking him into doing the interview with the agreement
that he could 'feel me' all night long in the hot tub.

Our relationship was not the best in the world, it was nothing but sex
after sex… now that I look back, I wonder if the only reason he stayed
with me as long as he did is so he could 'feel me' every night.

I remember one night when Nick forced me to have sex with
him… I wasn't in the mood; I was tired… worn out!

All I wanted to sleep but Nick insisted 'feeling me', I told him no
and he got angry and threw me to the bed ripping my clothes from my
body and inserting him self so fast that it brought tears to my eyes.

I cried the whole time and when he was finished with me, he rolled off
of me and went to sleep leaving me lying there crying!

I don't know what made me love Nick so much, he was all around a
good guy and he loved me but I don't think he loved me the way I wanted him too!

I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy and make you feel sorry for me.

Believe me, I was happy with Nick-most of the time.

Nick was really sweet most of the time, he only did mean things to me
when he was tired or when he was mad about something or another.

I remember the sweetest thing he ever did with me was last Christmas when
he bought me a diamond ring and told me that he wanted to marry me!

We kept it a secret and told everyone that it was a simple promise ring-not a
engagement ring so Brian wouldn't go ballistic.

I really don't know what went wrong with us… how such a sweet
innocent relationship turned into a blood bath!