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Jest Laughing At


 (Second Hand Smiles)

Grocery Shopping

(Tongue In Cheek)

 by Joyce Guy

I stood there at the counter,
wanting something good to eat;
Beside another shopper
Who was looking at the meat.

She picked up items one by one,
And lay them all back down,
And picked up one last item,
and looked at it and frowned.

She made the following comment,
As she viewed the cow's tongue in the pack,
"I'm sure not gonna eat something
If it can taste me back."

The Survey

 by Joyce Guy

Woe is me, I am undone;
Joint Commission has come and gone;
I thought this Survey would be a breeze;
Instead it brought me to my knees.

From whence do these Surveyors come,
Descending from their haughty thrones?
With judgment in both voice and eye,
That makes my calm assurance die.

Gestapo Germany, without a doubt,
taught the school that turned them out;
Gave that strut and arrogant bearing,
Stripped their souls of thoughts of caring;

Installed their myriad x-ray vision,
That discerned mistakes with great precision,
Uncovered every tiny flaw,
and answered all with "that's the law".

What concerns me more, this fateful day,
Is my cheerful willingness to pay
To have my workday world torn down,
And myself exposed---a jesting clown.

When I know they're due another year,
I'll buy myself a case of beer,
Reserve an ice-pack for my head,
and a Psychiatric Unit bed.

Snooze Alarm

by Joyce Guy

I roll from side to side,
place the pillow over my head,
and as I toss and turn,
 wonder why I went to bed.

I fine tune the temperature,
turn the radio off and on,
put ear plugs in both my ears,
and softly grunt and moan;

I've drank "Sleepy Time"
and other herbal teas galore;
I've laid on pillows soft and thick,
 and even tried the floor.

I roll my wife from side to side,
and she comes rolling back;
I've counted sheep so many times,
but I keep losing track.

I've had it up to here,
I can take no more,
as I lie awake night after night and
hear my good wife snore.


Fortune Cookies

by Joyce Guy

I went to eat oriental,
And as I finished lunch one day,
Received a fortune cookie,
When it came time to pay.

I cracked that crunchy pocket,
Took my promising fortune out,
And read the brief one liner,
Which filled my mind with doubt;

"You will soon be crossing the great waters,"
(I'm sure it is no lie)
But does this mean I'm going to Europe,
Or that I'm going to die?


Last Chance

by Joyce Guy

"This may be your last chance,"
the promotional letter said,
"Since you haven't placed an order lately,
 your account will soon be dead.

You will need to place an order
and send it right away;
though you may take up to 30 days
before you have to pay.

But if we don't hear from you soon
by mail or telephone,
We'll take your name right off our list
and your last chance will be gone."

A recollection came to my mind,
As I tossed the notice away,
that this was the 5th "last chance" letter;
this one that came today.



Birds Of A Feather

by Joyce Guy

I believe I work at an Ostrich farm,
the most common place in town,
Come with me on my tour,
and I'll show you all around.

No one takes responsibility
for choices which must be made,
they vacillate on solutions,
and decisions are delayed.

Here they assume the position,
tails up, heads in the ground,
whenever a situation changes
    or a new problem comes around.



The Educated Frog

 by Joyce Guy



Ned caught a frog, put it in his pocket,
And went off to school one day;
And when things got boring, took it out
To let little "Jumper" play.

Jumper took a great long leap
And landed on Mary's head;
Mary let out a wail and a screech,
And out of the class room fled.

Jumper bailed out  as Mary ran by
And he plunged down Julie's collar;
She dropped her books, toppled the desk,
 When she began to run and holler.

Then Jumper made his master move
And launched to teacher's desk,
Where he chirped his fright with all his
might As he landed on teacher's chest.

Now Ned sits in the school room corner
With a smile and the dunce cap on;
And Jumper calls "Come and join Me"
Outside from a great big pond.

"Aren't you glad you are not me,
That your life is not so sleazy?
 So when you are through with me
Please let me down real easy.  "


Administrative Leave

 by Joyce Guy

 If you are a patient at the Psychiatric Care,
and you really don't want to continue there
You must come up with and original plot
To escape the place, ready or not.

 You scout it out, but it seems too hard
for the doors are locked that go to the yard;
 the only way out is past the man
standing there with the keys in his hand.

You march right up to the desk in sight
and pass yourself off as a visitor, right?
And the door will be opened with solicitous care,
and you depart with the administrator standing there;

You can imagine his great surprise
  when he hears the news that opens his eyes,
  that the guy he recently helped depart
  was the patient who planned this right from the start.



Upgraded Granny

 by Joyce Guy

I'm proud of my Granny,
She's quite a looker;
But I don't want folks
To think she's a Hooker.

She recently changed
her whole way of dressing;
Please help me decide
If it's curse or blessing.

Fashion has changed
On her 80 year  frame;
Is she just getting cool,
Or becoming vain?

Her opaque hose,
once rolled at the knees,
She's traded for sheers,
Is she trying to tease?

Her feed sack print dress,
Once down to the floor,
Exposes her ankles
and 6 inches  more.

Her snowy white locks
Are a new shade of brown,
Her bun is no longer,
Her hair has come down.

Her stocky  old shoes
Are replaced with high heels;
She walks like a Queen,
For that's how she feels.

I doubt the observers
feel her morals are loose,
But grandson's wolf whistles
Give her morale a boost.



Beauty And The Beach

by Joyce Guy

I used to love to walk the beach,
and go wading in the water;
the breeze would cool me off a bit
when the temperature got hotter:

And I still go after all the years
and sit on the sandy shore;
but now I'm people watching,
and seeing sights galore.

The people come and stay the day
in all colors, shapes, and sizes:
they are young and old, rich and poor,
 dumb and dumber, wise and wisest.

But the thing that gets me going
is the type of garb they wear;
It's not what they cover up,
but what they're leaving bare.

If you want to be amazed
then you should come along
and see big daddy in his string Bikini
and big mama in her thong.




by Joyce Guy

I said, "Son, eat your spinach,
it sure made Popeye strong,
and it will do the same for you;
eat it, you can't go wrong.

You will be strong like daddy,
lifting heavy weights;
be the greatest, number one,
among your young play-mates:"

But once again it backfired,
he didn't take the hint,
"It didn't make Popeye strong," he said,
"It just made one eye squint."

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