A little far-fetched and long-winded.
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: "Dont Belong" by Cold
This little, er, survey-thing was taken from the uber-cool Chris' blog!
***
I see: My computer, and a McDonald's cup
I need: A Batman comic.
I find: that was world is a fucked up place.
I want: some money.
I have: a lot of things.
I wish: for everything to work out.
I love: my friends and family.
I hate: those who put down others, those who hurt others.
I miss: my great grandma.
I fear: waking up and finding someone standing over me.
I feel: conflicted.
I hear: "I won't ever tell the world that I don't belong. Please don't ever tell the world that I don't belong."
I smell: Vanilla body spray.
I crave: Imo's.
I search: for that happy little center.
I wonder: the meaning of life.
I regret: A lot of things.

When was the last time you ...

Smiled?: After school ended.
Laughed?: About 2 hours ago, with Maya.
Cried?: I don't cry...
Bought something?: I bought lunch today/
Danced?: Saturday, at Homecoming.
Were sarcastic?: Haha, I don't have a time I'm sarcastic -- I'm always sarcastic.
Kissed someone?: No one, yet.
Talked to an ex?: I said 'hi' to one today.
Watched your favorite movie?: Yesterday.
Had a nightmare?: Two nights ago.

A Last time for everything ...

Last book you read on your own: "My Sweet Audrina" by V.C. Andrews.
Last movie you saw: Boondock Saints.
Last song you heard: "Still Running" by Chevelle
Last thing you had to drink: Some Kool-aid
Last time you showered: Yesterday night. About to shower now.
Last thing you ate: Some ravioli from a can. Talk about your Grade-A food.
Do You ...

Smoke?: Nope. Nasty habit.
Do drugs?: Nope, I've seen it do some crazy shit to people.
Have sex?: No, not yet. Mostly everyone I know will have a couple kids at 23, and I'll be laughing at them while I soar in the business world.
Sleep with stuffed animals?: Nope.
Live in the moment?: When I have to. I don't prefer too.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope. And I don't want one, either.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: I have a character that keeps appearing in my dreams. Damn that creepy clown!
Play an instrument?: Nope.
Believe there is life on other planets?: Er, I guess so.
Remember your first love?: Yeah, vividly.
Still love him/her?: Love fades.
Read the newspaper?: No. As long as whatever's happening doesn't effect me, I don't care.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yeah.
Believe in miracles?: To an extent, yes.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: In some circumstances, I guess.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes, very tolerant.
Consider love a mistake?: Not always.
Like the taste of alcohol?: Never tasted it. It smells bad though.
Have a favorite candy?: Not really. I like the chocolate-vanilla herseyz kisses hugs though.
Believe in astrology?: Only for entertainment.
Believe in magic?: Not really.
Believe in God?: Yes, although sometimes I'm not sure.
Pray?: Not really.
Go to church?: Hardly ever. I haven't been to church in about 4 years.
Have any secrets?: Everyone has skeletons in their closet.
Have any pets?: No, although I want a dog.
Do well in school?: Yeah.
Go to or plan to go to college?: Yeah.
Have a major?: I'd like to study psychology.
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: Sure.
Wear hats?: Sometimes. I own them, just never get a chance to wear 'em.
Have any piercings?: No.
Have any tattoos?: No. I think they're trashy.
Hate yourself?: Rarely.
Have an obsession?: Not an obsession, really. More of an interest.
Have a secret crush?: I'm not sure...
Do they know yet?: Don't think so.
Collect anything?: Not anymore.
Have a best friend?: Yeah, a couple.
Wish on stars?: No. Why wish on balls of gas?
Like your handwriting?: My handwriting changes.
Have any bad habits?: Cracking my knuckles. Running my hands through my hair when I'm nervous.
Care about looks?: Yes, somewhat. Looks aren't everything, you know.
Boy/girlfriend's looks?: Nor really.
Friends and other people?: No.
Believe in witches?: I believe there are people who try to be witches.
Believe in Satan?: Yes.
Believe in ghosts?: Yes..
***

I've been meaning to update this. Everyday I'd say "I'm gonna write in my blog today." And whatd'ya know? I never get it done, until now.

I made a wallpaper the other day.
My totally awesome Catwoman wallpaper

I would've posted it directly on the blog, it's just that it's too big. Whatever.

Anyway, Homecoming was a lotta fun. I mean, really. I danced and danced. Then we went to Imo's, where we threw food at my cousin.

Except for Ryon, I didn't dance with a guy. At first, I felt kind of awkward and crappy. But then, I was like "Fuck that." I do not need a significant other to complete my life. And why scramble around and dance with some guy I really don't wanna dance with?

I mean, really?

I've sworn that I'd never get hung up over a guy. That I'd never feel like I needed a man around. I've seen what it's done to people. It's made women obsessive. Made people unable to function without someone to do their work for them.

Made mothers abandon their kids.

It's made mothers let their children, the human beings they grew, get hurt...

Men, don't worry, I'm not some crazy feminist, all gung-ho about the bad things men do. I've seen some obsessive men, too. And, if someone allows themselves to become late that over a significant other, then they're to blame, too.

People are weird.

Life, itself, is weird. Sometimes I just stare, and wonder, "Is this all a dream? All of this, is it actually happening?"

All these people -- are they real? Am I real?

Does that make me a little less sane?
Or am I just one of those odd people, a dreamer?

Sometimes I'm not too sure.
***

My mind takes you to where you need to be
Cure for your heartbreak to take away the pain
I could describe each mistake for you
Tattoo it on my tainted heart

Well I won't ever tell the world
that I don't belong
Please don't ever tell the world
That I don't belong
That I don't belong

Can you still feel me or did I slip away
A sick man, a monster, broken still today
I can't explain what happens to me
Caught in the game I've always starred
I could decribe each mistake for you
Tattoo it on my tainted heart

Well I won't ever tell the world
that I don't belong
Please don't ever tell the world
That I don't belong
That I don't belong

Well I won't ever change my ways
and I can't be strong
That I don't belong

and it's my own shame
I can't break your ways

Well I won't ever tell the world
that I don't belong
Please don't ever tell the world
That I don't belong
That I don't belong

Well I won't ever change my ways
and I can't be strong
please don't ever tell the world
that I don't belong
that I don't belong
that I don't belong

Layout ver. 2.0: A film noir love story
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: "The Unforgiven II" by Metallica
Ok, gotta make another quick entry. I swear, I'm always rushed with my blog entries.

I'm going out of town on Friday. I should be back Saturday night. It'll be great. I'm going to this craft-show place, but it's still fun. There's a river RIGHT next to the place, and when I would go with mom a few years back, me and Dustin would play around the rocks. There were a couple of times where we had to go into the van and put our soaking wet feet in front of the vent, from our feet falling in the water. Yeah, it's freezing down there.

I've got a term paper to write for History. I have a tentative bibliography, which was due last Monday. >.<; And 60 notecards on 10 sources. I haven't written any notecards and I only have four sources.

I'm fucked.

Hopefully she'll let me turn it all in late. I've been busy lately. You know how many times I asked mom to take me to the library? A ton. But we're always busy.

Anyway, everybody like the new layout? Yep, I do.

Max Payne kicks ass.

Anyway, it wasn't that hard to make. But, although it's simple, it's nice. And the layout title is taken directly from the advertisements for Max Payne 2.

Gotta love film noir, eh? Nice, gritty, dark stories. Max Payne is like that. Gritty. Artistic. (How can you not love Max's awesome narration?) Ill-fated love. Deception. Hope.

It's all great. I think one of the main reason's I play the game is for it's story and narration. I'm serious, it's that good.

Maybe some people don't quite agree completely, but I'm a sucker for a good story. I've always liked the ill-fated love thing too. Dunno why.

Should I take that as an odd reflection on my personality? :-P

Well, gotta go now. I'll try and get this all updated tomorrow, with a better entry. But whatever.
***

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's opened if you're true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked skies
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Come Lay beside me, this won't hurt, I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black hearts scarring darker still, yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, cause I'm the one who waits
The one who waits for you

Oh, what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you
So I dub thee unforgiven

Oh, what I've felt
Oh, what I've known

I take this key
And I bury it in you
Because you're unforgiven too

Never free
Never me
cause you're unforgiven too

Mood:  not sure
Ok, gotta make this quick. I'm supposed to be getting ready for bed right now. XP

Anyway, I've got tons of homework to do. And I've gotta look for sources for World History. Yeah, they were due on Monday, but life hasn't worked out like that. I've been trying to get to the library, but that hasn't worked out too well. XP

It shouldn't be so hard to go to the damn library!

I worked on Friday! I made some money! Whoo!
Some dude made a rather, er, raunchy comment at me. It was kind of.. ew. Anyway, I'm working this Friday, too.

I love having money! It's nice to know that I have it, even if I don't spend it.

Anyway, with last Friday's money, I bought a Catwoman comic, and a sweater.

What can I say? I'm dorky and a fashionista at the same time. :-P

You guys know you love me.

Anyway, me and Amber (Tay!) have been writing a Batman fanfic back and forth. She's been harrassing me to write >.> <.<

I try, really!

You know who's hott?
Anthony Michael Hall from the Dead Zone. I don't know why, but I woke up one morning thinking about the Dead Zone. Then I realized: "Damn, he's pretty hott! O.O"

Also, the other day I woke up with The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia stuck in my head. Odd? I think so.

I've been in the mood to play Max Payne lately.



Haven't had time, though.

I wonder when they're gonna make a Max Payne 3.

I still don't understand how Max managed to live through what he did. I mean, with as much depressing shit happening, I would've blown myself away if I was him. (< Keep in mind, I've never had suicidal thoughts XP)

Wife and kid died. Got framed. Got betrayed by a friend. Got redeemed (he murdered tons, but was seen as a hero). Fell in love with a criminal. Killed a cop. Got betrayed by one of his best friends. His love died. Had a revelation.

I mean, seriously. This guy's life is one depressing story after another!

I'm surprised he isn't negative all the time. Hell, I'd be.

This week has been hectic.

By the way, all I said in my last post:

I was premenstrual. (I know you may not want to know that, but it's the truth!) So it was a bit emotional and exaggerated. But some things in it are indeed true. Like my Dad not telling me he loves me. I tell him I love him, and when he doesn't answer, ask him why he didn't answer, and if he loves me. Still no answer. :(

Ok, I've got to be heading out. I've spent too long working on this. I'll try and update this tomorrow? No guarantees though!

Ciao!

"You see, little sister don't miss when she aims her gun."

***
I analyze everything, I know what you mean
I answer by questioning all that I need
And I want to, to surrender
I want you to see all the sides
All the faces inside of me

I see I?m not perfect, but that?s all I see
Lost in a portrait, in a picture of me
This can?t be everything I see
That my canvas is incomplete
Your color?s everything to me
And my canvas will set me free

My outline is solid and made up of crime
And the things that you say just burn in my eyes
I want to, to surrender
I want you to find some comfort
In the spaces between the lines

I see I?m not perfect, but that?s all I see
Lost in a portrait, in a picture of me
This can?t be everything I see
That my canvas is incomplete
Your color?s everything to me
And my canvas will set me free
This can?t be everything I see
That my canvas is incomplete
Your color?s everything to me

This can?t be everything I see
That my canvas is incomplete
You color?s everything to me
And my canvas will set me free
This can?t be everything I see
That my canvas is incomplete
Your color?s everything to me
You?re everything to me

Schizophrenia
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: "She Will be Loved" by Maroon 5
Today's day is somewhat hard to define.

The first half of the day was great (with the exception of P.E.), and the second half was terrible.

The P.E. thing: Ok, so I'm in P.E., and we're playing Ultimate Frisbly (joy, joy). This one team we're gong up against were complete assholes. And one guy was supposed to be guarding me, keep in mind you're supposed to be arm's length away, and he was rubbing his BUTT against my stomach, and his sweaty arms all over my shoulders. Finally I told him to go to the other side of the damn field, and to get away from me.

The good part of the day: Amber and Erica. We walked around, goofed off. You guys mean a lot to me, you know that? Without you guys, I don't know what I'd do.

So, after we all got home from walking (for hours), the first thing my dad did was tell me to do the dishes. No hello. No "How did it go?". All he did was point, and say "Dishes". Like I'm a fucking dog, I swear.

So I pretty much stayed in my room the rest of the night. Then Mom came home. And I got a shower. Once I was out, Erica called to ask about work, and whether she was picking me up. Dad was telling me to get off the phone, and I was telling him to hold on. Finally, he snatches the phone out of my hands, and hangs up on her.

I swear, sometimes I wish my parents would divorce, so I wouldn't have to see him so much.

It's sad when I get all excited when he goes out of town.

He never even talks to me. Sure, occasionally, we'll have a conversation. Occasionally.

And when I tell him I love him, he looks at me like I'm a freaking idiot. Mom always tells me about how he's proud of me. Why not show it?

Why not constantly reminding me of what I can't do, and congratulate me on what I can do?

Why, Dad, why?

***

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

'The Roads Traveled' and some musings
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: Mark Collie - "In Time"
Yep, been a bit since I've updated.

I was hoping to get an entry in yesterday, but I guess that didn't happen. :-\

The weekend was ok. Pretty boring. But, hey, atleast I'm not at school.

That Mark Collie song is from the Punisher soundtrack, by the way. It has a bit of an oldie-sound, but that's okay. It's a good song. The whole soundtrack is good, actually. There's one or 2 song I don't particularly care for, but the others I like.



Ok, so I was going through my "My Documents" folder today, and deleting crap I didn't need. I came across this Microsoft Word document titled "Drabble". So I clicked on it and found this:

Through the shadows of this wicked empathy
I hear a voice that longs to set us free

So, I read it, and am like "Where'd this come from?" So I do a Google search, and nothing comes up. So that means that I wrote it.

Odd thing is, I don't remember writing. Maybe faintly, but that's it. It was a "What the fuck?" moment.

Although, you must admit, it has an odd ring to it. ;)

Anyway, I've been in a poetic mood lately. Felt like writing stories, yet all I've managed to produce was odd poetry. I've never considered myself a poet, mind you.

I am the female version of "William the Bloody". (All you Buff fans should get that joke. Haha)

But, check out this little diddy:
***

The Roads Traveled

A vagabond
A rogue at heart
A true loner
Who?s worlds apart

I was once like you
But the truth was oh so true
I put up a fake smile, a fake face
In hopes that I would be welcomed into this coveted place

Why must everything be perfect in your little world?
If you do not measure up
Then you gotta pay up
Ya gotta pay your soul, your heart, and your will
Come on, smile that fake smile for me now.

Run away, run away.
I?ve already fallen down
But I keep running
Why do I keep falling down?

And now things are spinning, spinning
Spinning out of control
And I keep falling now.
And I can feel everything spiraling down.

***
Ah, it's okay. Too many people pretend to be who they're not. It's ridiculus. Not to make myself sound special, but I can see right through a person's act.

But, I read body language. So that may be it. And I'm observant, when I choose to be. (Any other time I'm absent-minded, hehe.) Maybe that's why I want to pursue a career in psychology. So I can learn why people do that. Ok, maybe I already know**. But, explore it more, ya know?

I think I'd make a psychologist. I'm a good listener. And I like to help people.

So how does that make you feel?

:)

Anyway, me, Erica, and (possibly) Amber are gonna try out for Cheerleading. I was wanting to try out last year, but I decided I wanted to at the last minute, so I didn't have any time to train. But this year I'm getting a good start.

It's gonna be hard! But that's okay ^^;

And, if I don't make it, then atleast I'll be able to do the splits. Hell, that's an accomplishment right there. And, Mom said she can try and get our, erm, connections to yank the chains a little bit. Not that I'm being unfair.

The honest truth, my friends, is that cheerleading squads and things like that are almost always political. But that's life. And life isn't fair.

Although, occasionally you'll come across a squad that is truly fair. But that's not likely.

Won't get into all that tonight, though. I'm supposed to be going to bed right now.

G'night, everybody.
***

I can hear what you're thinking,
All your doubts and fears,
And if you look in my eyes, in time you'll find,
The reason I'm here.

And in time all things shall pass away,
In time, you may come back someday.
To live once more, or die once more,
But in time, your time will be no more.

You know your days are numbered,
Count them one by one,
Like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun.
You can outrun the devil, if you try,
But you'll never outrun the hands of time.

In time there surely, come a day
In time all things shall pass away,
In time you may come back some say.
To live once more, or die once more,
But in time, your time will be no more.

I can hear what you're thinking.

***

** - If you haven't quite figured it out, or are not aware: The answer is usually low self-esteem. Somebody will haven't something they don't like about themselves, and cover it up. Maybe it's some odd sort of innate behavior, but it happens most of the time, even to the best of us.

'I've seen your face before, my friend'
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins
Good song. (^ See above)

Reminds me of Vice City a lot. I get an odd image of Vice in a sunset, and all the city's corrupt starting to walk the street, heavily shadowed by the setting sun. Would make a good image. Or a camera angle... (and the ideas are flooding... O.O )

I would make a kick-ass movie. Even when I think about little stories in my head, I always have these great camera angles and stuff like that. Camera angles in a daydream? Yep. Atleast for me.

I'm gonna make a movie one day. Or write a script, then hawk around the director making the movie.

Anyway, I've gotta go soon. Pictures are tomorrow, so I've got my hair in braids so they look all nice and pretty for pictures. And I have NO IDEA how to do Geometry. It's only the third week of school, yet I dunno how to do it.

Hey, everybody has their weakness. Math is mine :-\

And, yeah, Adam is still in my lunch hour. Cool, eh? I'm assuming he just skipped his lunch hour the last couple of days? Hell, if I had a car, I would to. I'd trade in the school food for some fast food any day!

I still need to write. I've been in a bit of a writing mood lately. Haven't had time though >.<;

It's odd that when I get in a writing mood, which is rare and far between, I don't have time to write. School work has been dragging me down. And real life.

Yeah, I went walking with Erica, then, when I got home, I had to go to Jacob's open house. And then I went home, tried to get a bit of homework done. Then I had to get a shower, and all that fun stuff. So I still don't have my homework done >.<;

School has just started, and I already want it to end!

Ok, I'm off now. Got crap to do before bed. 'Night!

May I finally get in the writing mood, and have time to write! ^^
***

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend
But I don't know if you know who I am
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment all my life, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well I remember, I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met
But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me
The hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you or me

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord...

A Minor Flaw in a Sea of Perfection
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: "Shape of my Heart" by Sting
Another Monday. XP

Ok, so I go to school today wearing this real cute outfit. The under-shirt is a brown and blue bustier. And I wore a mesh long sleeve shirt underneath it. So I get to school and a narc (The given title to the people that hawk around the grounds) pulls me into the office. She sends me to the principal, who says my shirt is inappropriate. And, keep in mind that I waited in the office for about 45 damn minutes! (Although, after 15, I pulled out a Batman comic and whistled from boredom. Don't think the narc liked that too much ^^ ).

So the principal calls up my mom, and tells her to bring me a new shirt. Mom says she can't, and that she'll just pick me up. (
It was fun. Better than school.

Damn office people. They're all hags in that office. Seriously!

I honestly didn't think the shirt was that bad. It's not like I wore the bustier on it's own (which I'd never do).

Ah, fuck em. (< To quote the illustrious Mr. Blonde)

Also, in first hour, all the Sophmores had an assembly about our class rings. I sat through that whole thing thinking "Mom and Dad aren't gonna get me one. I dunno why I'm even listening. :( "

But, once I got home, Dad said I'll get one my Senior year. Then, once Dad was gone, Mom informed me that I'll get one by the end of this year. Yay! :D

No cool poetry today. Sorry. Been busy.

Ok, not really. I've been lazy. And preoccupied.

By the way, I watched Hannibal. Good movie. Then I ate lasagna. :-\

Ya know what I had on my mind while I was taking a big bite of that lasagna? "The lasagna is all squiggly... it looks like Ray Liotta's brain..." Oddly enough, I still ate it. O.O

I liked Silence of the Lambs better. But whatever. It's still good. Now I've gotta watch Red Dragon. I'm gonna try and get to that sometime this week.

Might be going walking with Erica tomorrow. That'll be fun!

I have an urge to watch Leon. But Erica has it. :(

Ok, gotta get going! I have things to do for school tomorrow! Ciao!

Yay for skipping school! And stupid dress codes! XD

***
He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn?t play for the money he wins
He doesn?t play for the respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that?s not the shape of my heart

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that?s not the shape of my heart
That?s not the shape, the shape of my heart

And if I told you that I loved you
You?d maybe think there?s something wrong
I?m not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who smile are lost

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that?s not the shape of my heart
That?s not the shape of my heart

Stated by Tiffany at 9:02 PM CDT
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Save the brown-eyed angel
Mood:  blue
Gee, today has been nice and shitty.

So I woke up this morning to watch my brother, 'cause Dad went out of town at 4 (in the morning), and Mom had to go to work (about 10?).

I cleaned the kitchen.
I watched the child you've spoiled beyond reason.
Hell, I even fed him.

But I'm sorry the towels weren't folded.
I'm sorry the damn living room wasn't clean, even if you told me to leave it as it is.

I'm sorry you're so fucking bitchy today.

So I watched Jacob from 10 to about 8. I probably COULD'VE went to my friends house and stayed the night. But no, I had to watch Jacob.

Which is fine.
But, Mother, you bitch when I keep reminding you of things.
But you never get things done if I don't.

I could've stayed the night at my friend's house, if you'd taken the time to meet her dad. Even though I told you a week in advance, thanks for not making an attempt.

Hardy-fuckin-harr. What a wonderful day.

Dad, you know how lucky you are that you went out of town? Yeah, you don't. But you're pretty damn lucky.

Mom said we might go shopping tomorrow. Even though we shouldn't since we've been so lazy and haven't got the house clean. I mean, school and homework can wait. Just get that damn house clean! Even though I told to wait last weekend, when we were supposed to.

And you wonder why it's so fucking dirty?

Thanks for ruining my day. Really.

I swear, I feel like just screaming at her! Soon I'm gonna be like Jim Carrey from Me, Myself & Irene. All that bottled up anger is gonna make me schizophrenic, with a psychotic other personality.

On a lighter note, school has been pretty cool. I hate my lunch hour, but I guess it's okayl. Adam was in there for a while, but he's not anymore. Got moved, I suppose. Whatever. Lucky guy >.<;

Mom just came downstairs and asked if I "heard that". Apparently she heard something that sounded like somebody beating on the side of the house...

Now I'm kind of freaked out. x.X

That reminds me. I had another Joker dream. Messed up, huh? I swear, this guy seriously haunts my dreams. That's 5 Joker dreams. I should join a support group! XP

Oh, yeah, I saw "Silence of the Lambs" the other day. Incredible movie.

Hannibal Lector is one of those classic villains.

The movie itself wasn't scary. But the psychological element of it was. It had a sort of eerie presence throughout the whole movie.

I think what got me was how smart Hannibal Lector was. He was one of those people that could take you into a whole different world. I mean, he could probably manipulate a person's mind to the point where they couldn't tell between reality and his world. Very frightening and creepy.

Ok, I think I've gotta head out now. I'm rather tired. Hopefully next weekend will be a bit better than this one proved to be, eh?

Here's a little something for everyone:

Leon

Raise your gun, block your doubt
I am the professional
With a child-like heart
A death for a grand
This is a no-man?s land
I?ve been dead for so long

Sleep with one eye open
Sleep with one eye open

Bang bang
I?ve gotta shoot ?em down
Bang bang
Don?t make a single sound

But then she came.
So beautiful, so sad.
So determined, so mad.
She was the child
With the grown-up heart
Wise beyond her years
With eyes full of pain

What is happening now?
Why is she the center of my universe, now?
Suddenly I?m reckless
So afraid, so afraid.
If I was to die, who would watch over the brown-eyed girl?
Who would save my angel, my Mathilda?

So confused now.
But one thing remains true
Our love burns brighter
Than the sun in the sky so blue

Bang bang
She must escape now
Bang bang
Please, Mathilda, you must go now.

Sleep in a bed.
Have roots.
It?s far too late, far, far too late.
But it?s okay.
For my Mathilda is safe.
I am no more
But my brown-eyed angel is saved.
***

I'd hope that you'd be able to figure out which movie this is. If you can't, then you're a dumbass. (Unless you've never seen/heard of it, then you're excused.)

A small little homage to one of my favorite movies.

'And what are the words to that song?'
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: "Fire and Ice" by Pat Benatar
Ok, no time to talk. I gotta get ready for school tomorrow. God, I really don't wanna go! >.<

Also, saw the movie "La Femme Nikita", great movie. Tcheky Karyo was pretty handsome! O.O

I'd hook up with him. Leave the charming grocery man, and run away with the quiet, mysterious suit man!

Hmm.. kind of like Phantom of the Opera. A choice between the safe life, or the dangerous one. Although, she's already living a dangerous life. So yeah. Maybe it's not x.X

Ok, off to get ready. Ciao! XP


Youth


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla


Power Rangers Movie!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

***
Sweet Melissa, I often pray for you
I hope your suffering was brief
I hope the angels that watch over all little children
Came for you and took you someplace beautiful and sweet
Aahh..
Suffer The Little Children

Dear Melissa, I often think of you
Everytime I hold my baby in my arms
I say a prayer for your mama and daddy too
I know they miss you, miss you since you're gone

Suffer The Little Children
At the hands of evil men
No baby dolls, no teddy bears
No lullabies for them
Every mother's nightmare
Will it ever end
Suffer The Little Children
At the hands of evil men

You who done the deed better do some prayin' too
Better hope that God's forgivin' like they say
Cause somewhere, somebody keeps a list
Of the evils that men do
An' your name's right up there
I heard `em say
Aahh..

Suffer The Little Children
At the hands of evil men
No baby dolls, no teddy bears
No lullabies for them
Every mother's nightmare
Will it ever end
Suffer The Little Children
At the hands of evil men

-- "Suffer the Little Children" by Pat Benatar

'I don't need another friend.'
Mood:  lyrical
Hm, the blog got a new look.

Just in time, I'm working on something in poser right now. For the new background, I mean. It's gonna be white, I believe. Still debating though...

It's been a while since I've posted in here. I've had time, I've just been forgeting.

I have commitement issues. :)

Anyway, I saw Adam the other day. He was working. Me and my mom had just got back from registering me into school, and it was pouring outside! We stopped at Schnucks to grab some groceries. And on the way out, Adam took out his umbrella and walked us out to the car, with him still getting wet. I thought it was very sweet. ^^

I feel like writing. But I can't. I have an odd mental block. It's like a mega case of writer's block, that won't leave.

I think I'm going to take Girl's Glee. I honestly don't like to sing, but it's only group singing. And I've been informed that I can just move my mouth, and it'll all be good. Anyway, I wanna take it 'cause it'll guarantee that I'll have lunch with my friends. So that's good. Yeah, ALL my good friends are in the same lunch hour. And, with my luck, I'd be the only one not in that lunch. -_-

Hopefully it's not too late to sign up into there.
Hopefully...

Ok, off to work on my background. Poser is a damn expensive hobby, so I've been downloading freebies. Heh, I can't help it. I can't pay $20 for a figure >.<; .

Oh, and did anyone hear? I have an internet stalker.

Soon he's gonna be living in my walls, like in Kiss the Girls.

<.< >.>
Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
Eye on what I?m after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'Till you think I'm listening
I take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for, then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Eye on what I?m after
I don't need another friend
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie to smile and get what's mine

Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me

Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, all mine

'Killing me softly with his song.'
Haven't updated in a couple of days. I've been pretty busy XP. I've had friends over, and I've been working on my room.

Yep, my room is COMPLETELY clean. Well, it was, until Amber came over. Then both of us junked it up with the photoshoot. But that's okay, all I need to do is pick up a few things.

And I've got a walk-in closet now! Yay! Me and my mom share it, so now we don't have to go looking in each other's room for clothes. It's so cool.



Yeah, don't I look like I'm ready to kick your ass? I know I do. I'm just too cool.

Yeah, we found my little brother's air gun. It looks SERIOUSLY realistic. So we messed around with it, made it look like we're shooting something. It was great!

Made me feel powerful. XD

I've been addicted to Pat Benatar lately. She's got some real good songs. The 80s was such a cool era.

I was gonna scan that coffee stain I mentioned in my last post (for my website layout), but my dad's computer is messed up. Well, the one with the scanner, atleast. So yeah, I'm shit outta luck for now. :(

"Believe me, believe me, I can't tell ya why, but I'm trapped by your love and I'm chained to your side."

^-- What I'm listening to right now. Good song, good song.

School's starting soon. XP Joy, joy. I don't wanna go back! I mean, it'll be nice to see my friends and all, but once it starts -- it starts. For the next 9 months. Damnit! XP

I like this. Bumming around the house, staying up late. I don't want it to change.

And I'll be taking all advanced classes. So none of my good friends will be in my class. That's gonna suck.

In my Comp class, I hope I get to write some cool report. I so could imagine me writing a report on Travis Bickle, or on Batman and his enemies.

That would be pretty cool. :P

Okay, off to get ready. I'm staying at Erica's tonight. We're gonna watch Kill Bill Vol. 2. Ah, I LOVE that movie! Then, on Thursday, she's staying at my house. Cool, eh?

Ciao!

***
They cry in the dark, so you can?t see their tears
They hide in the light, so you can?t see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child
Because hell
Hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell is for children
And you shouldn?t have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh

It?s all so confusing, this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes, and then apologize
You?re daddy?s good girl, and don?t tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you?ll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell off the swing

Because hell
Hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell is for children
And you shouldn?t have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh

No, hell is for children

Hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for hell
Hell is for children

Hell is for children
Hell is for children

-- "Hell is for Children" by Pat Benatar

'Don't rip out my paper heart'
'Clean day' didn't include too much cleaning. Dad said he didn't have the motivation today. Yipee! :)

Anyway, afterwards, I just hung around the house. But then my dad had some family and the neighbors over, and they made sinkers. Or whatever they were.

It was surprisingly fun. My little cousin left the boys outside and me, my mom, and her watched movies. It was nice.

It's 2:35 right now and everybody's still awake. Even my little brother! All the people are gone, too. Usually about this time I'm sneaking upstairs, trying not to wake anybody, about to go to bed. But now everybody's all up and moving. It's so... weird.

We're an odd family. We never sleep. XP

The title of this post is a quote/lyrics I'm gonna use on my sight layout. Oh, I got the coffee stain by the way. It's drying. I'll use my dad's scanner tomorrow. Then I can finally complete the layout! Yay!

Taxi Driver is such a cool movie. I swear, one day in school I'm gonna write an essay about Travis Bickle and turn it in. (And hope my teacher has seen the movie!) That guy is so psychotic, but still appears as a hero. Odd, isn't it? He knocks off some pimps and a mafioso, and he's a hero. Although, as much as I hate to say it, I'm not entirely sure he killed them for Iris. I can imagine him being violent. I'm sure 'Nam screwed with his head, and, let's admit it, he's a bit unstable. XP

DeNiro is looking pretty good in that movie though. I must say! :P

Okay, off to bed for me. I'm tired. I can still feel smoke in my eye from the bonfire we had tonight. It's kinda... grr? >.<

(I've gotta clean out my room tomorrow! Somebody help me! My room will EAAAAT me!! T.T )

Ciao!

***
Don't cut out my paper heart, I ain't dyin' anyway
Take a look at eye full towers
Never trust them dirty liars
Sippin' lemon yellow booze 'ole' leadbelly sings the blues
All dressed up on wedding day keep on trippin' anyway

I am I am I said I'm not myself, but I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
So keep your bankroll lottery eat your salad day deathbed motorcade

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
I'll breathe your life vicks vapor life
And when you binge I purge alike
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone
So keep your head up
Keep it on, just a whisper I'll be gone
Take a breath and make it big
It's the last you'll ever ge
Break your neck with diamond noose
It's the last you'll ever choose

I am I am I said I'm not myself, but I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
Hold me closer, closer let me go let me be just let me be

I am I am I said I'm not myself, but I'm not dead and I'm not for sale
So keep your bankroll lottery eat your salad day deathbed motorcade

-- "Trippin on a Hole in a Paper Heart" by Stone Temple Pilots

'Hell is for children'
Yes, another late update. Whatever. This thing isn't my obligation.

I currently have Taxi Driver playing in the background. I love that movie. 'Tis a shame not many people my age have seen it.

Yesterday was pretty boring. My mom was off work, but we didn't do much. My baby nephew came over. He's adorable.

I still remember the time when we were worried if he would live or not. I still remember...

God, I love that child. I know he's gonna grow up to be a good kid. Everyone in the world loves him.

And that's no lie.

Today is the "clean day". Joy, joy. Although it sounds selfish to say, the only reason we actually clean is so mom doesn't bitch about the house being dirty after work.

Although, I do enjoy being able to spend more time with mom.

A win-win situation, I guess.

I've been listening to Pat Benatar a lot lately. She's got some good songs. I love the 80s. They had some damn good music.

Of course, I'm not complaining about today's music. It has it's fair share of good music.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop. Most of the things I like seem to be early 90s, or the 80s. While my friends are watching "Legally Blonde" and listening to rap/hip-hop, I'm watching "Taxi Driver" and listening to rock.

Hm, interesting.

I was talking to my friends the other day about my recent discovery. See, I LIKE liking a guy. You know, that time is great. But when it comes to actually going out with them, I don't want to. Suddenly it's all like "Eh. Maybe not." And it's not like I'm nervous about it. Going out with someone is fine. But I just don't like the thought of it.

Their diagnosis: I have commitement issues. :)

Which, to me, was rather odd. Considering issues of commitement is usually associated with men. But yeah. I do. I mean, I do want to get married and have kids one day, but I can never really imagine me doing that. It's odd, and contradicting.

But I'm only 15. So why worry about that now?

I'm making a layout for my site. Who knew how hard it can be to get a damn coffee ring stain? Honestly! I tried making one in photoshop, but it just didn't work.

The website is gonna look cool, once I finish it. I was gonna put all my images, writings, stuff like that up there. Ya know? I'm not too sure where I want to host it. I mean, angelfire is ok, but I hate the little sidebar that pops up when you're surfing an angelfire site. And if I hate it, then I'm sure others do too. So I might stick with geocities. Or maybe somewhere else. Aw, hell, I dunno. Anyway, this site is gonna be made purely in Imageready, although I might use Microsoft Frontpage for only a few, small things. Still debating.

I guess we'll see.

"That women deserves her revenge... and we deserve to die. But, then again, so does she. So I guess... we'll just see." -- Budd

I have gotten yet another friend addicted to Michael Madsen. You know he's gorgeous, Erica! :P

Ok, off to finish Taxi Driver. I paused it so I can type, 'cause I wanna watch it. And when I'm typing something like this, I don't pay attention to it.

Damn good movie, that is.

Off I go to watch a great, young Bobby DeNiro!

***
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but itts not sane, its not sane

I just want someone to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that theres no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
It rips my life away but its a great escape...escape...escape

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
Ya think that I'm insane
Its not sane... its not sane

I just want someone to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

-- "No Rain" by Blind Melon

'Don't rip out my paper heart'
Another boring day. XP

Yippee.

Anyway, all I did was sit around. I watched Kill Bill Vol. 2 again. And I played computer.

Yeah, not too exciting. :-\

Mom is off work tomorrow, so hopefully we'll do something. We might go shopping sometime this weekend, or maybe Monday or Tuesday. Still not sure.

Hehe, I love shopping. I can't help it.

"I can't even imagine how bad that shit must sting *flips hair* ... and I don't want to, neither." -- Budd from KB

Hehe, he flipped his hair! XD

(Special thanks to Alex for pointin' that out to me. I didn't notice the first 2 times I watched it!)

Yeah, I love that movie. And Michael Madsen is just great. Although, I must say, that tabacco cup in KB was kinda... ew. >.<;

I think I'm gonna make me a website. I love making layouts. I have a ton. And they're all for sites that were never made, or that were short-lived. Ah, what can I say? XP

I think I might watch Taxi Driver. I've suddenly felt like watching it. That an X-Men. Damn, where'd my X-Men DVD go?! >.<

Taxi Driver it is.
Go Bobby DeNiro! :D

Ok, since I have a lack of things to type, off to watch the movie. Later.
***

White Trash Beautiful, Trailer Park Queen
She slings hash at the diner from 11 to 5
She married a boy from school, thought he was oh so cool
But all he can do for money is drive
Out late haulin' freight on Interstate 5, prayin' he'll see home before his baby arrive

White Trash Beautiful, there's something you should know
My heart belongs to you
And you coulda found a better guy
I'll love you till the day I die
I swear to God it's true
I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you girl

He lights a cigarette, his eyes half open
He won't be home tonight, but she keeps hopin'
Drinkin himself to sleep is his only way of copein'
She waits for him every night, she leaves the front door open
It's 4 AM and doin 95, tryin to stay awake and make it home alive

White Trash Beautiful, there's something you should know
My heart belongs to you
I know you coulda found a better guy
I'll love you till the day I die
I swear to God it's true
I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you girl

Her lips say painted red, nametag's crooked
Her heart's been gone awhile with the truck driving man that took it
He keeps her photograph on his rearview mirror
She prays for him every night, she hopes that he can hear her

White Trash Beautiful, there's something you should know
My heart belongs to you girl
I know you coulda found you some better guy
I'll love you till the day I die
I swear to God it's true
I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you girl
I'm comin' home to you

-- "White Trash Beautiful" by Everlast

'He lights a cigarette, his eyes half open'
Well, today was boring.

Nothing too exciting happened.

My neighbor broke his ankle, so him and his wife went to the hospital while I watched there kids.

They were gone for about 4 fucking hours.
And they didn't even pay me! They bought me a damn burrito from Taco Bell.

I mean, what the fuck?

I know there's such things as emergencies. But they could have taken the kids too. They're old enough that they'd behave in a hospital.

That is just bullshit. Seriously.

God, I'm bored.

Still need to get started on those stories.

I don't want school to start. :(

I may not do much some days, but I like this. I like relaxing.

'However long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words I say, I will always love you.'

Good song. Gotta love the 80s, eh?

Somebody, entertain me! I've spent the whole day watching movies, and playing on the computer. I'm starting to get stir-crazy.

I have no money to go and do something. And it seems like all my friends are busy.

I can't wait till I can drive. Then I'll just get my car and head up to the mall. Who cares if I don't have any money to buy anything? I'll window-shop for the hell of it.

Currently reading 'Wolverine: Origin'. It's pretty good, although I'm only about 10 pages into the first volume. I've heard good things about it, so I'll probably like it.

Anyway, I'm thinking about getting my site set up, since I've had nothing to do. Make a kick-ass layout. I honestly don't know what I'll have at my site.

My graphics, and writings, I guess? And, of course, a link to my blog. How could I not? And I'll probably have an in-depth description about me.

Last night I made a Yahoo group. It's for just me and my friends. I'll put all the pics I took with the digital camera up there, instead of sending copies to all of my friends (who don't have winzip! >.<;; ). It's easier that way.

I need to get some more rechargable batteries. This camera eats through batteries like nothing I've ever seen.

While I was watching the neighbor's kids, I put in a 'Best of Spiderman Collection'. It had all the old '69 episodes. They were so... corny. And they had predictible, quick plots. And the animation! It's just... wow. Different. Strange to see how much we've advanced.

From Spiderman to Finding Nemo.
And Star Wars to Lord of the Rings.

Ok, off to go do something. Hopefully tomorrow will be more entertaining. Ciao.

***
We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong, no one can tell us we?re wrong
Searchin? our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

You?re beggin? me to go, you?re makin? me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know
Do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing you?ve had?
Believe me, believe me, I can?t tell you why
But I?m trapped by your love, and I?m chained to your side

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we?re wrong
Searchin? our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

We?re losing control
Will you turn me away or touch me deep inside?
And before this gets old, will it still feel the same?
There?s no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, you?ll need me to hold

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we?re wrong
Searchin? our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we?re wrong
Searchin? our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

-- "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar