Brought to you by: Keebler Shampoo. Motto--"...then he told two elf-friends, and they told two elf-friends, and so on, and so on, and so on!" (pictures of multiples of elves combing their perfect hair flashing across the screen--hey, it beats those dancing Coke cups and the popcorn box with the bow tie.)
NOTE: First one hour and 20 minutes of opening scenes of "Fellowship of the Ring: The Other Movie" featuring minor characters such as Sam Gamgee, Boromir, etc. has been "Bombadiled", due to lack of time, unimportance of characters to plot, greasy hair of characters (particularly Boromir), etc.
Opening, Scene One (in slow motion)
Legolas canters up on white horse, his hair streaming behind him in exquisite ripples of blondness to match mane and tail of horse, also rippling exquisitely, (although not quite as exquisitely.)
Legolas jumps off horse with cat-like grace, and emotes intensity, searching the trees in the mid- distance for something...orcs with scissors? Bad people? Cream rinse? A date?
NOTE: Special "knee support" rolls pop out from audience chairs to support suddenly-weak-at-knees cinema patrons.
Legolas: (turns to look intensely at camera, uses sexy Kentish accent): "Hello, welcome to Legolas of the Rings.net..."
(Mass sigh from audience)
Scene Two Various lesser elves and other Middle- Earth type persons sit around in circle.
Elrond: "The ring must be cast back into the fires of Mount Doom." He looks around, "But who shall have this task?" Small person pops up from chair.
"Hi! I'm Frodakota Fanning of the Shire. I'll take it! But I don't know the way..."
Small person runs up to ring pedestal and jumps up and down, trying to reach ring.
Legolas, (who is, as audience notes, the only elf sitting in a "dead sexy" legs-spread-apart posture), stands up and lifts Frokakota up to reach the pedestal.
Frodakota: "I'd like to thank my agent, and my parents, and everyone else under the sun except for Orlando Bloom for the next five minutes..." Several minutes of unintelligible rambling go on.
Legolas (drily): "Yes, let's thank all the people who forget to mention Orlando Bloom at awards show..."
Cheesy, easy-listening, Academy Awards orchestra version of "May It Be" starts to play as Academy Awards-type-girl in dress (actually Strider, in a dress, impersonating Aragorn, in a dress. 'Cause he likes impersonating people...) appears from wings and carries off still rambling Frodakota.
Elrond: "You shall have a fellowship for this ring quest."
Group of Bloomin' Marvelous bulletin board girls rush up to Elrond.
Fellowship members-to-be: "Pick me!" Pick Me!"
"You have my mirror..." "And my blow dryer..." "And my curlers..."
Legolas looks in shy-but-adorable manner at his fans.
Legolas: "You can ALL be in my fellowship."
Crowd rush of delighted women knocks Legolas over and squashes him flat in hormonally driven stampede. (Sound effects of vast hordes of rampaging elephants running amok.) Legolas picks himself up off the ground, straightens hair, looks in direction of trampled undergrowth in direction of where the thundering horde has plowed trail into mud, "Surreal!"
