Arwenfan: "Legolas, don't go! I'm worried for you!"
She feels a tingling sensation in her fingertips as she strokes his noble forehead. Audience, due to the magic of cinema, feels a tingly sensation in their communal fingertips as well. Probably elsewhere also, but it's only a PG-13 movie, so we won't go there...
Legolas: "But I must go, there is evil that does not sleep..."
Arwenfan: "Must you be so noble, so virtuous, so hot? Uuuhhh, I mean, so honest?"
Legolas: "Yes, I owe Frodokota my allegiance…but I'll stay with you tonight..."
He places his beautiful, strong hand on her cheek and wipes a tear from her eye (which, due to the magic of cinema, does not cause mascara to run, makeup to smear, or anything!). Putting his arms around her, he starts to sing a lullaby, "Hush little baby, don't you cry..." She swoons elegantly into his leather-clad chest...
Audience is now in mass hyperventilation. Screen fades, due to PG-13 rating.
Scene Four Scene opens with magnificent scenery of blue sky and snowy peaks. Legolas is leading posse of adoring fellowship members across mountains. Group occasionally stops at particularly photogenic spots to allow wind to blow through hair. Heroic music plays. Fellowship stops to eat picnic (diet Coke--'cause they're mostly girls--chai latte tea, and vegetarian food--'cause he likes them. Well, that's what they read...) and swap his autographed "Fellowship of the Rings: The Other Movie" trading cards. Legolas is standing off to the side leaping over the rocks, unaware that lovely suede leather-clad legs are being admired.
Quick flash of words on screen: "Audience, break out your tape recorders..."
Legolas: "A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it."
Audience shivers with happiness. Howls of outrage in back of cinema...a couple of people realize they didn't buy fresh batteries!
Fellowship: "What should we do?"
Legolas: "Put on your winter whites! It's time for a lovely scene of me walking above the snow, and perhaps some snowboarding."
Fellowship rushes forward to convinces Legolas that he shouldn't go snowboarding after all, as it is too dangerous, and he could break his nose/toes/legs/wrist/back again. Then Fellowship would have to fight over who gets to tend to his injuries. Could bring out unfeminine lack of manners (e.g. hair pulling, nail scratching across faces, etc.) in Fellowship. He'd have to wear a wooly bobble hat on top of all that blonde hair, in which case, what would be the point of it all?
Lovely scene of Legolas walking above snow follows. Fellowship and audience wish they could be the snowflakes gently descending across Legolas's noble brow.
Bunch of snow lands on top of Legolas's head (being tactful, he doesn't mention that this would have been more comfortable with a wooly bobble hat). He scrambles out of it first, of course, and then digs other fellowship members out, with solicitous enquiries about their cold feet. Rubs fellowship's feet. Women all over Middle-Earth, and some other places, declare him to be perfect elf/man.
Frodokota (who did not receive a foot rub, on account of being reserved for adult fellowship members, and it would have been just too weird): "I'm cold. Let's go in the mines of Moria. I'm sure you'll have some fabulous opportunities to play with your bow there."
Legolas, realizing that this unfortunate side trip is probably necessary to do the following:
--Set up the "lament" scene speech--thus further frustrating the people who didn't get batteries!
--Have hair fly around during fight scenes "We should leave now..."
--Quick montage to compress lengthy Moria scene down to, well, all the moments in which Legolas appears on screen from "Fellowship of the Ring: The Other Movie."
Features:
--Legolas playing with bow.
--Legolas leaping across chasm (complete with sexy hair twirl).
--Legolas being generally being helpful and gentlemanly.
--Legolas refraining from tossing dwarfs.
--Legolas not making complaining sounds about having to catch Fellowship members that have indulged in too much movie candy/non-diet soda over the years...(Reason: he is perfect man/elf who does not have expensive or time-consuming hobbies, wants to rub your feet, and says, "But tell me more about you...")
--Gandalf falls over bridge (necessary to set up the "lament" scene speech)
