“ -an't tell you more that that Major, he'll wake up in his own time...”
...
“Sorry Dr. Weir, Rodney hasn't come round yet.”
...
“Well he's in a coma for goodness sake, of course he's not alright! Sorry, sorry...”
...
“Yes, I know you want your scientist back, I'll quite like him back myself! You can't hurry him, he died there for a se-”
...
“His temperature seems to have stabled, which is the good news... the bad news is there is possible brain damage, we won't know until he wakes up...”
...
“-ere that Rodney? You're starting to scare everyone being so quiet.” A sigh. “Wake up soon Rodney.”
...
“... The Major has been telling me some interesting tales Rodney. About how you didn't want to talk to me, something about loosing me as a friend? Ah, no, Rodney, don't do that, it's o-”
I drift.
It's kinda nice. Dark and cool and I just... drift. Nothing can hurt me, nothing can touch me. And nothing matters. The heat is gone and so is the pain. At least, I pretend the pain is gone. I'm good at that, pretending I mean. I can pretend with the best of them.
I pretend I don't care what people thing of me and to be honest, most of the time I really don't care. If they are dumb, then they are not worth the effect and who really cares what someone like thinks of me? I mean, take my cat. Certainly dumber than me. Certainly didn't love me. It just did what it was supposed to, which was allowing itself to be hugged and stroked in return for warmth and food.
I do not miss my cat.
... maybe I do. Just a little. It always seemed happy to see me when I got back. Though, that was probably because it knew I would feed it, and it would get the chance to sleep on something warm – me.
But when someone worth my time and effort comes along, I pretend. Because letting them know that they mean something to me, that I actually give a damn what they think about me... now that is the scariest thing I can think of.
The darkness around me is fading and I can hear talking, snatches of conversations and I know if I just focus on them, I could actually understand the words. It's hard to focus though, to think and I can feel the darkness pulling at me, calling me back and its so tempting.
I know that voice. It's Carson... he's still talking to me. Maybe there is hope after all? Only when I focus, strain, fight to hear what he's saying, he saying things I don't want to hear, bringing up our friendship. I can't face this now... no strength. I'm just a coward...
I let the darkness take me again.
“ -u had the doctor worried there for a moment. He says you probably hear us. Is he right? Can you hear me Rodney? Because I have to admit, you scared the shit out of me, pulling that stunt with the transporter.”
When I next surface the voice is different. It's this voice that drags me from where I had been floating, quietly in the dark, relishing in the chance to simply be. I never though I would be happy just... being. Normally there are thoughts whizzing though my mind at a hundred miles a minute and they are all different, all gone in a flash.
Now though, there is nothing. Just an empty space and I know that should scare me but instead I find it almost... peaceful. Another thing I'll never thought I would be.
John's talking to me. I can remember... he was there when I was hot and when I was there. When I was awake yet not... he was there and I said something, something that upset him but I can't remember what...
I scared him? Huh. Stunt with the transporter? What does he mean? Oh right, when I fell out of the transporter into his arms. How swoony, damsel in distress like. He was only scared because if I died the whole of Atlantis would be screwed without me. That has to be it.
“Where would I be if you bleed to death huh? Who would save my ass whenever I did something dumb, who would argue at me constantly...”
I'm useful as a brain. Nothing more.
“Beckett! His eyes! He's crying...”
“-e might be dreaming. Talk to him.”
Dreaming? Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe... maybe I'm actually in my bed, in my quarters or maybe I'm not even in Atlantis. Maybe this whole thing has been a dream and when I wake up there will be a cat sitting on my chest, and I'll be home.
Funny. That doesn't cheer me up as I thought it would. I'm not even sure I think of Earth as home any more. Of course, if this Atlantis trip does turn out to just be one wacky dream, then that whole point would be rendered moot.
I don't want to wake up and find myself back there, even if I do get my cat back. I fall back into the darkness, where its safe.
“-rd said he would check in on you later. The rest of your geeks are miserable without you yelling at them. And I think Bates misses you, he tried to strike up an augment with Zelenka the other day but he wasn't interested and anyway, nobody else could do your insults justice”
...
“When are you going to wake up Rodney? It's been five days...”
The voice is sad. No, more than a voice, a person. John. Or should I call him Sheppard? I think John works better at least in my head. I've decided. Atlantis can't be a dream, because there is no way I could have imagined someone like John. I mean come on? A Major who is also a genius at Maths? One who at the very least puts up with me without trying to shoot me every other day? As if.
I'll wake up soon John. Soon, just not... yet. I'm not ready yet. I just... need some time.
You're acting all sad and upset because I'm not awake and it's confusing. And it's hard to think for any great lengths of time. And if I wake up, I'll have to face you, face whatever is ahead. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. And why am I acting as if you can hear me, when I'm thinking in my head?
I feel the darkness wrap itself around me, banishing my fears and my thoughts. The sounds of John are fading but that's ok, he'll still be there when I wake up. He'll wait for me. Because nobody gets left behind... not even someone like me.
“You're not an inconvenience, damn it Rodney, you're not...”
Go Back: Crucible
Go Forward: Damaged Goods
