Wednesday Nov 16, 5 am
Mood:  down
Something new. I dont worry too much about this being read and if it is, oh well. I guess this could be like a diary. Yeah right. I'm in the "I hate this world and wish I wasn't here" mood again.
I have been thinking a lot lately about getting this life over with again. I really am sick of it. I have no hope for the future for me anyway. I hope for others. I have nothing to make me want to live. I am very selfish and no one is doing anything to change that. Thats a laugh. I am the only one that can and I don't really give a damn anymore.
I found Melissa. I know where Jessica and Ian are. They are living their lives, without me. They don't need me. I need somebody. But I won't allow myself to get involved with anybody because I don't want them to have to live with me miserable man that I am. Who would want to live with someone so selfish. I put me first. If someone tries to take that from me I squash them down. Kids used to be able to take my heart but now I have even pushed mself from them because of how sick I have become. I dont want to get close to anybody because why should anyone have to listen to me cry about how sad my state is. People have their own problems without having to listen to mine. Also I don't want to get close because I always hear, " you cant do that, we need you" Well if I am not close to anyone then no one can say that. I don't want anybody to care. People say that and ok maybe they mean it but do they really? I think about it and the only reason that I am still here is cuz somebody else wants to use me. I am not here because they need me. I am here when it is convenient for them, when they need something, then when they don't anymore, where am I then? Unneeded, forgotten, unnessessary useless. I cant even say what I am thinking.
Tammy needs me because she cant talk to Roger. Roger needs me for the only link to his our messed up family...and for money. Jacob needs me cuz I kinda understand him. Aaron doesnt need anybody or thinks he doesnt. Dad needs me to bury his feelings of guilt for neglecting us when we were kids. What about everybody. Connie, I think I love her or maybe its just her youth I love but it doesnt matter cuz shes married anyway. Marina, I'm someone to talk to occasionally and someone to get up there once in a while to give her a break from Grandma and her routine. Grandma, I'm a change for her too, someone else to talk to for a change. Rob thats a laugh. I dont think he could care less if Im alive or not.
I spend my days and nights in this dungeon playing my stupid games, watching my stupid movies and and reading my stupid books. I eat food that someone else would appreciate more. I suffer through my hateful bowel movements. I suffer through my giving in to my weakness and feeling guilty about it after. I think why is it so all fire important, why do I crave it so much? I hate myself for what I think about to accomplish my release.
I hate the burn of my skin when I wash, shower or bathe so I don't. Instead I try to cover up the possiblity of smelling bad with washing my hair and deodorants and foot sprays, cuz thats what I smell. Dirty socks. I look at myself in a mirror, not the eyes, and see my belly and so I don't eat. But who cares or notices. I think about committing suicide but then I will leave a mess for somebody to clean up. Who wants to find a dead body and have to deal with it. Who's gonna pay for my funeral. Who's gonna make the arrangements. I dont care who goes to the funeral. the less the better. Get on with your lives. I was and am nothing to fret over. I didn't do enough to make any difference now that I am gone. You will get on because there is nothing you can do to change things so you have no choice but to. Roger can rent out this room to someone who can pay more. He gets my car. The girls get the dolls if they want them but have to be willing to pay for shipping expences. Ian can have my computer or get Roger to sell it and have the money. No more worrying about fighting with the govt about my disabilty or whether I should even be on it or whether I am a bad person because I am using the law to keep me from paying for the support of my son. No more worrying about whether I can pay my bills. No more should I be doing this or I shouldn't be doing that or I shouldn't have done that. More importantly no more they shouldn't do that or I should encourage them to do this or that or this world is hell and I hate it. I don't want to be here and I hang half way in and out of the truth. Why? I already know that if I do this that I also don't want you to bring me back Jehovah and you know that too, so why am I hanging on. Am I expecting some kind of a miracle to suddenly make me completely different than I am so all this isn't as it is. I know this is not going to happen. I also know Satan wins if I do this. One more human he succeeds to turn away from Jehovah, but I am too tired to care. I am too weak to fight and I don't have enough faith in you to help me. You only help those who help themselves and I'm not and dont think I will.