Title: Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Harry
Author: Dusk (dusk@goldserve.net)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Pairing: P/K [among others]
Rating: PG-13, humour
Archive: VSPS, CKOS, ASC (elsewhere - ask)
Disclaimer: These boys are unlawfully borrowed from their true masters, TPTB at Paramount. I make no profit off of this minor infraction.
Summary: As usual in ficland, a high intake of alcohol leads to some unexpected revelations, although not the ones Tom was expecting.
Comments: *Someone* ;-) referred to Harry as the ship's Designated Virgin. This could be considered his defence against that statement Feedback always appreciated. Oh, thanks should go to 'Roll Call' for assistance with the crew roster :) Anything not listed there, I extrapolated from associated sources or deduced from statistical probabilities. (Yeah, I made it up.)
Warning: way too much dialogue. Minor spoilers for various and sundry episodes but nothing major.
Posted: VSPS 08/00
***

Harry stared dolefully into his empty glass, brightening fractionally when Tom thoughtfully supplied him with another. Tom. His buddy. Yeah. Never failed to assist him in the task of drowning his sorrows. Misery loves company. Misery loves *alcohol*, he corrected himself, aware that he was more than a little tipsy. Misery loves company that brings alcohol.

"She dumped me, Tom." He dragged his eyes away from his glass just long enough to locate the full one nearby.

"That's too bad, Har." Tom agreed, still waiting to be enlightened as to who they were talking about.

"No, Tom, you don't get it. She *dumped* me." He began the complex series of manoeuvres required to bring glass to lip, achieving - he calculated - a 46% success rate.

"You told me already. And it's a terrible, terrible thing. Who are we talking about, again?" Tom mopped up most of the spilled beer, being the - marginally - more sober of the two.

"Ren Sharr! Who else would we be talking about?"

"Who?"

"She's an Ensign in... I don't know, somewhere. Deck 5. Or maybe Deck 7."

"I didn't even know you were seeing her. Seeing anyone, actually."

"Well, I was. Briefly."

"Good for you."

"Til she dumped me."

"Til she dumped you," Tom agreed.

"Why? Why would she do that to me?" Harry sniffled into his beer.

Tom patted Harry's shoulder in a vague but comforting way.

"I don't know. Why do *you* think she would?"

"Because she hates me?"

"How could she hate you?"

"I *don't* *know*!" Harry bawled.

"Don't worry about it, Har. You never, ever have to see her again," Tom pointed out. If he could go five years without even hearing the woman's *name*, Harry could certainly avoid her easily enough.

"Well, I'm not gonna see her. I'm never, ever, *ever* going to see her again. She could come crawling back to me on her hands and knees, and I'd... I'd... I'd shut my eyes," he decided firmly.

"What?"

"So I wouldn't have to see her."

"Oh. Right."

There was a long silence, while Harry spilled more beer, missing his mouth by a good three inches.

"There'll be others, remember. You'll get over her soon."

"There *are* no others, Tom."

"There are *always* others, Harry," Tom protested, mildly shocked.

"No. No others. Nobody. I'm gonna be alone for *ever*."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're a young man; there's a whole ship full of women here. Are you telling me there's not a single woman you could see yourself dating?"

"Well, *no*. Not again."

"How about I fix you up?" Tom offered.

"There is *nobody* for you to fix me up *with*, Tom. Reni was my *last hope*." He sadly tipped the last of his beer over his face, quite by chance hitting his mouth with most of it.

"*Nobody*? How come? It's not like you've already dated them all..." Tom trailed off as Harry nodded miserably. "*All* of them?"

"Uhuh."

"I don't believe you."

"'s true. Well, maybe not *dated*. But... been with...."

"Ensign Brooks?"

Harry nodded.

"Dorado?"

More nodding from the drunken one.

"*B'Elanna*?"

"Uh... yeah. Sorry."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"*When*?"

"Oh, here and there," Harry gestured vaguely.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, you were so happy with your reputation as the ship's bicycle, I didn't want to spoil your fun."

"*BICYCLE*?!?"

"Casanova," Harry corrected himself.

"Well, looks like your only option is to start dating guys," Tom stated firmly, partly in petty revenge for the bicycle comment.

Harry met his eyes sheepishly.

"You've worked your way through the guys, too?"

"'Fraid so."

"*All* of them."

"Well, I got so lonely...."

"Harry, nobody is *that* lonely!"

"It's the first time I've been away from home for this long, cut me some slack!"

"You're making this up. You are drunk and lying, and I am not going to fall for it."

"Why the *hell* would I make something like this up?!?"

"Well, then, I want to hear about it."

"About what?"

"*All* of it. If you're telling me the truth, I want to hear the juicy details."

"You're mocking me."

"No, I'm demanding you prove it. There's a difference."

"Get me another drink."

"Will you tell me everything?"

"*If* you get me another drink."

Tom weighed it up. Depleting his replicator rations or missing out on what had to be one *hell* of a story. No contest.

"Beer?"

"Beer's good."

Several minutes later:

"So, spill. Tell all."

"You'll have to be more specific."

"You just finished a brief relationship with...." he prompted.

"Ren Sharr. Brief. Very brief."

"And before that..?"

"Before Ren? Sweet Reni... " Harry sighed. "I miss her."

"...but *before* her?"

Harry frowned. "Will Chapman. He was so sad... Seven scared him, you know... she tore his ligament when they danced. I was helping him hide from her after that, and before I knew what was happening we were naked...."

"Where was he hiding?"

"My quarters."

Tom grinned. "Ok. Before Chapman?"

"Tea Kyoto and Terry Lang," Harry smiled happily at the memory.

"Kyoto *and* Lang?"

"An exhausting week," Harry agreed.

"Wow."

"Oh, yeah."

"Before them?"

"I... don't recall, exactly. I can't remember every little detail, Tom, don't interrogate me. I think I'm a little drunk, you know."

"I wouldn't have said so." Tom did his best to sound innocent, totalling up the empty glasses surrounding them.

"Well, I am."

"How about Sam Wildman? Don't tell me you ever slept with her."

"Uh... you know how pregnant women go through a stage of being incredibly horny?"

"...uhuh...."

"She's a nice person. She missed her husband dreadfully, poor woman. She wanted something with no strings attached. It was a friendship thing, really."

"Some friendship."

"Oh, like you wouldn't have done the same!"

"Moving swiftly on... Kes."

"Not long after she broke up with Neelix... she cried, even though she put on a brave face. It was for the best, really. She needed cheering up."

"Neelix?"

"He was upset by the break-up, too."

"Harry! Ick!"

"Don't be so judgmental! He's a very loving man. Not to mention almost inexhaustible... I can see why Kes stayed with him so long. You know, he has the most intriguing patterns of spots and ridges all down his back... and on his ass...."

"More than I wanted to know."

"I though you wanted details?"

"I do. I just wasn't expecting those *particular* details."

Harry shrugged, smiling.

"Chell. There is no *way* you slept with Chell."

"Just once. It was the only way I could find to shut him up," Harry admitted sheepishly.

"Eeeeew!" Tom pulled a face and sought for a topic less likely to make him ill. "Megan Delaney?"

"Captain Proton simulation."

"Jenny Delaney?"

"Come on, Tom, you were the one who told me they came as a pair...."

Tom sat for a few moments in silent contemplation. "That wasn't quite what I meant."

"Oh. Well, it's true, anyway."

"Susan Nicoletti?"

"Celebration after band practise. You were right, cold hands."

"Ayala?"

"Oh, now *that* was nice. He's such a big, strong guy... very big, very strong... didn't you just want to jump him the first time you saw him?"

"No, not really. I had other things on my mind, then."

"That's right, you were too busy making faces at Chakotay." He ignored Tom's splutter of protest. "We saw each other for a while, but it wasn't right. Wasn't long after we broke up that he started seeing Geron. Lucky kid."

"How about Geron?"

"Poor boy was missing his boyfriend in the alpha quadrant. I reminded Geron of him, apparently."

"Chakotay?"

"Mmmm." Harry smiled happily. "Now there's a guy who likes to be in charge. He'd chain me to the bed, and for hours, we'd...."

"Stop!"

"You should have seen the things he made me wear under my uniform, on duty. I'm amazed I made it through my shifts. I really am."

"I need another drink," Tom muttered.

"That was pretty intense, though. After that, I had a pretty loose arrangement with Freddy Bristow. No strings, just a good time. He knew he didn't have a hope with B'Elanna, but it didn't stop his mooning over her all the time. I left him when he started talking about her in bed. Even I have my limits."

"Coulda surprised me."

"Sorry?"

"Nothing. Did you really sleep with B'Elanna, too?"

"We got into a fight in this holoprogram she had. Apparently, I inadvertently propositioned her and things got... a little out of hand. She taught me a lot about how mating practises vary between species, I'll say that for her."

"You are a dark, dark horse, Harry. I am truly stunned."

"People just find it easy to get along with me. I can't help it."

"Apparently not. I hesitate to ask, but... the Captain?"

Harry looked sad for a moment. "It's why she won't promote me. We had one night of drunken debauchery, and now she thinks it'll show favouritism. I think I'm going to be an ensign for the rest of the trip."

"That does clear up that little mystery. How about Vorik?"

"He was very annoyed when B'Elanna wouldn't be his wife. He sulked for days, then got extremely hormonal, and finally drunk. Vulcans have no tolerance for alcohol.... You know, I spent *hours* listening to him bitch about how you can't meld with a hologram - don't ask me what he was talking about, I can't imagine why he'd want to - before I managed to point out there was no reason he couldn't meld with a real person instead."

"What happened then?"

"He attacked me. But in a good way. A very, very good way. Unfortunately, it didn't last once his hormones returned to normal, but that was one hell of a weekend."

"I have a question. In your suprisingly-well-hidden career as a sex-addict, have you ever really regretted anything?"

Harry thought for a while. "Yes," he said eventually. "I woke up naked one morning in Jurot's cabin, and around me, also naked, were Jurot, Samantha Lang, Golwat and Kai Nozewa. And we were all covered in this weird purple stuff. I really, really regret that I don't remember how I got there, because Nozewa assures me we all had a great time. And the pictures Jurot took seem to support that claim, but the whole evening is just a blank."

"Pictures?"

"Pictures you are *never* going to see. Definitely not suitable for the family album."

"Good. I really don't want to," Tom replied, making a mental note to talk to Jurot as soon as humanly possible. "I know... I bet there's one crewmember you haven't slept with. Seven."

"You'd be right. It came close, but as it turns out, I have no desire to be castrated, so we're not really suited."

"Ouch," Tom winced and continued, fascinated in spite of himself. "Tuvok. Tell me what Tuvok's like in bed."

"Tuvok in bed... is like a three day orgasm." He smiled serenely as Tom choked on his beer. "Don't let anybody tell you Vulcans have no imagination. He has no preference over giving and taking, is hung like a rhino, and told me that bending me over the back of his sofa was the most enjoyable experience he's had since his tea was spiked with Viagra 46 years ago."

"Harry!"

"Well, you did ask."

"I wasn't expecting you to answer! How the hell did you manage to get him into bed, anyway?"

"He approached me, actually. A little while later I asked him why. He told me I'd acquired a reputation for being 'inventive, talented, and extremely discrete'." Harry grinned drunkenly. "There's nothing like a personal recommendation. Although at the time I probably could have asked for his command codes, and he would have given them to me. His mind was on other things...." His eyes glazed over as he remembered. "You know, those were some good times. Maybe I'll go see him now...." He attempted to get to his feet and immediately keeled over. Tom helped him to sit down again.

"Tuvok might not want to see you like this, Har."

"Perhaps I'd better stay here until the turbulence stops," Harry agreed. "Shall we have another drink?"

"In a little while."

"You think I'm lying." Harry's eyes narrowed in suspicion, and he shook Tom's hand off his arm.

"No... not exactly."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I think you're exaggerating. Just slightly," he added quickly.

"I can't believe you think I'd lie about this!"

"Well, you have to admit, it's... unexpected."

"I'll prove it. Pick anyone in the bar. Go on."

Tom sighed and looked around. "Him." He pointed at a man standing at the bar.

"That's Ensign Bronowski. Call him over."

Tom caught the man's eye and waved him over.

Harry smiled as he approached. "Hey, Dougie, did we ever go out? Humour me."

Doug Bronowski nodded, curious. "Sure did. Though as I recall, we spent most of the time staying in. What's this about?"

Harry nodded with satisfaction. "Just proving to my friend Tom here that he's a jackass. You made my point for me, thank you."

"No problem." Doug smiled, leaned down to plant a brief but meaningful kiss on the inebriated ensign's lips and sauntered back to the bar. Harry watched his particularly fine ass for a few moments, then turned back to his friend.

"Anything to say?"

"All that proves is that you slept with Bronowski."

"You picked him at random! There's no way I could have known you'd pick him!"

"Alright, I'll buy it. For now," Tom conceded.

"Which is why I have a problem! I either wait for us to adopt some more aliens into the crew, wait until Naomi is an adult - which would just be *wrong* - or be hopelessly alone, forever!"

"Well, there is one person you haven't slept with."

"Tom, I already told you. If I go near Seven again, she'll cut my nuts off. She told me so."

Tom grinned. "I didn't mean her. Someone else."

"Who?" Harry stared at Tom. "You?"

"Have you ever slept with me?"

"Well, no, but you're *Tom*," he explained with drunken logic. "You're my friend. Besides, since when do you have any interest in me?"

"Since about half an hour ago when I started looking at you in a whole new light."

"A good light?" Harry asked hopefully.

"A particularly... different light."

Harry cheered up. "This could be fun."

"Especially if you're as... what was it Tuvok called you?"

"Inventive and talented?" He grinned widely.

"That's the one."

"I am."

Tom leaned in. "Prove it."

Harry leaned forward, gave his friend a lingering kiss, then whispered at length in his ear.

Tom cleared his throat. "Okay. That's a new one on me."

"I know. Get me to your quarters, and I'll show you."

Each steadying the other, they made it to Tom's quarters in record time. Once there, a supremely happy and pleasantly intoxicated Harry devoted his considerable talents to making Tom an extremely happy man and proving that, whatever else he may be, Harry Kim was no liar.

[end]





* [Home] * [Lord of the Rings] * [Angel] * [Other fandoms] * [dusk@goldserve.net] *