Title: Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Harry
Author: Dusk (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Pairing: P/K [among others]
Rating: PG-13, humour
Archive: VSPS, CKOS, ASC (elsewhere - ask)
Disclaimer: These boys are unlawfully borrowed from their
true masters, TPTB at Paramount. I make no profit off of
this minor infraction.
Summary: As usual in ficland, a high intake of alcohol leads
to some unexpected revelations, although not the ones Tom
Comments: *Someone* ;-) referred to Harry as the ship's
Designated Virgin. This could be considered his defence
against that statement Feedback always appreciated. Oh,
thanks should go to 'Roll Call'
assistance with the crew roster :) Anything not listed
there, I extrapolated from associated sources or deduced
from statistical probabilities. (Yeah, I made it up.)
Warning: way too much dialogue. Minor spoilers for various
and sundry episodes but nothing major.
Posted: VSPS 08/00
Harry stared dolefully into his empty glass, brightening
fractionally when Tom thoughtfully supplied him with
another. Tom. His buddy. Yeah. Never failed to assist him in
the task of drowning his sorrows. Misery loves company.
Misery loves *alcohol*, he corrected himself, aware that he
was more than a little tipsy. Misery loves company that
"She dumped me, Tom." He dragged his eyes away from his
glass just long enough to locate the full one nearby.
"That's too bad, Har." Tom agreed, still waiting to be
enlightened as to who they were talking about.
"No, Tom, you don't get it. She *dumped* me." He began the
complex series of manoeuvres required to bring glass to lip,
achieving - he calculated - a 46% success rate.
"You told me already. And it's a terrible, terrible thing.
Who are we talking about, again?" Tom mopped up most of the
spilled beer, being the - marginally - more sober of the
"Ren Sharr! Who else would we be talking about?"
"She's an Ensign in... I don't know, somewhere. Deck 5. Or
maybe Deck 7."
"I didn't even know you were seeing her. Seeing anyone,
"Well, I was. Briefly."
"Good for you."
"Til she dumped me."
"Til she dumped you," Tom agreed.
"Why? Why would she do that to me?" Harry sniffled into his
Tom patted Harry's shoulder in a vague but comforting way.
"I don't know. Why do *you* think she would?"
"Because she hates me?"
"How could she hate you?"
"I *don't* *know*!" Harry bawled.
"Don't worry about it, Har. You never, ever have to see her
again," Tom pointed out. If he could go five years without
even hearing the woman's *name*, Harry could certainly avoid
her easily enough.
"Well, I'm not gonna see her. I'm never, ever, *ever* going
to see her again. She could come crawling back to me on her
hands and knees, and I'd... I'd... I'd shut my eyes," he
"So I wouldn't have to see her."
There was a long silence, while Harry spilled more beer,
missing his mouth by a good three inches.
"There'll be others, remember. You'll get over her soon."
"There *are* no others, Tom."
"There are *always* others, Harry," Tom protested, mildly
"No. No others. Nobody. I'm gonna be alone for *ever*."
"Don't be ridiculous. You're a young man; there's a whole
ship full of women here. Are you telling me there's not a
single woman you could see yourself dating?"
"Well, *no*. Not again."
"How about I fix you up?" Tom offered.
"There is *nobody* for you to fix me up *with*, Tom. Reni
was my *last hope*." He sadly tipped the last of his beer
over his face, quite by chance hitting his mouth with most
"*Nobody*? How come? It's not like you've already dated them
all..." Tom trailed off as Harry nodded miserably. "*All* of
"I don't believe you."
"'s true. Well, maybe not *dated*. But... been with...."
More nodding from the drunken one.
"Uh... yeah. Sorry."
"Oh, here and there," Harry gestured vaguely.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, you were so happy with your reputation as the ship's
bicycle, I didn't want to spoil your fun."
"Casanova," Harry corrected himself.
"Well, looks like your only option is to start dating guys,"
Tom stated firmly, partly in petty revenge for the bicycle
Harry met his eyes sheepishly.
"You've worked your way through the guys, too?"
"*All* of them."
"Well, I got so lonely...."
"Harry, nobody is *that* lonely!"
"It's the first time I've been away from home for this long,
cut me some slack!"
"You're making this up. You are drunk and lying, and I am not
going to fall for it."
"Why the *hell* would I make something like this up?!?"
"Well, then, I want to hear about it."
"*All* of it. If you're telling me the truth, I want to hear
the juicy details."
"You're mocking me."
"No, I'm demanding you prove it. There's a difference."
"Get me another drink."
"Will you tell me everything?"
"*If* you get me another drink."
Tom weighed it up. Depleting his replicator rations or
missing out on what had to be one *hell* of a story. No
Several minutes later:
"So, spill. Tell all."
"You'll have to be more specific."
"You just finished a brief relationship with...." he
"Ren Sharr. Brief. Very brief."
"And before that..?"
"Before Ren? Sweet Reni... " Harry sighed. "I miss her."
"...but *before* her?"
Harry frowned. "Will Chapman. He was so sad... Seven scared
him, you know... she tore his ligament when they danced. I
was helping him hide from her after that, and before I knew
what was happening we were naked...."
"Where was he hiding?"
Tom grinned. "Ok. Before Chapman?"
"Tea Kyoto and Terry Lang," Harry smiled happily at the
"Kyoto *and* Lang?"
"An exhausting week," Harry agreed.
"I... don't recall, exactly. I can't remember every little
detail, Tom, don't interrogate me. I think I'm a little
drunk, you know."
"I wouldn't have said so." Tom did his best to sound
innocent, totalling up the empty glasses surrounding them.
"Well, I am."
"How about Sam Wildman? Don't tell me you ever slept with
"Uh... you know how pregnant women go through a stage of
being incredibly horny?"
"She's a nice person. She missed her husband dreadfully,
poor woman. She wanted something with no strings attached.
It was a friendship thing, really."
"Oh, like you wouldn't have done the same!"
"Moving swiftly on... Kes."
"Not long after she broke up with Neelix... she cried, even
though she put on a brave face. It was for the best, really.
She needed cheering up."
"He was upset by the break-up, too."
"Don't be so judgmental! He's a very loving man. Not to
mention almost inexhaustible... I can see why Kes stayed
with him so long. You know, he has the most intriguing
patterns of spots and ridges all down his back... and on his
"More than I wanted to know."
"I though you wanted details?"
"I do. I just wasn't expecting those *particular* details."
Harry shrugged, smiling.
"Chell. There is no *way* you slept with Chell."
"Just once. It was the only way I could find to shut him
up," Harry admitted sheepishly.
"Eeeeew!" Tom pulled a face and sought for a topic less
likely to make him ill. "Megan Delaney?"
"Captain Proton simulation."
"Come on, Tom, you were the one who told me they came as a
Tom sat for a few moments in silent contemplation. "That
wasn't quite what I meant."
"Oh. Well, it's true, anyway."
"Celebration after band practise. You were right, cold
"Oh, now *that* was nice. He's such a big, strong guy... very
big, very strong... didn't you just want to jump him the
first time you saw him?"
"No, not really. I had other things on my mind, then."
"That's right, you were too busy making faces at Chakotay."
He ignored Tom's splutter of protest. "We saw each other for
a while, but it wasn't right. Wasn't long after we broke up
that he started seeing Geron. Lucky kid."
"How about Geron?"
"Poor boy was missing his boyfriend in the alpha quadrant. I
reminded Geron of him, apparently."
"Mmmm." Harry smiled happily. "Now there's a guy who likes
to be in charge. He'd chain me to the bed, and for hours,
"You should have seen the things he made me wear under my
uniform, on duty. I'm amazed I made it through my shifts. I
"I need another drink," Tom muttered.
"That was pretty intense, though. After that, I had a pretty
loose arrangement with Freddy Bristow. No strings, just a
good time. He knew he didn't have a hope with B'Elanna, but
it didn't stop his mooning over her all the time. I left him
when he started talking about her in bed. Even I have my
"Coulda surprised me."
"Nothing. Did you really sleep with B'Elanna, too?"
"We got into a fight in this holoprogram she had. Apparently,
I inadvertently propositioned her and things got... a little
out of hand. She taught me a lot about how mating practises
vary between species, I'll say that for her."
"You are a dark, dark horse, Harry. I am truly stunned."
"People just find it easy to get along with me. I can't help
"Apparently not. I hesitate to ask, but... the Captain?"
Harry looked sad for a moment. "It's why she won't promote
me. We had one night of drunken debauchery, and now she
thinks it'll show favouritism. I think I'm going to be an
ensign for the rest of the trip."
"That does clear up that little mystery. How about Vorik?"
"He was very annoyed when B'Elanna wouldn't be his wife. He
sulked for days, then got extremely hormonal, and finally
drunk. Vulcans have no tolerance for alcohol.... You know, I
spent *hours* listening to him bitch about how you can't
meld with a hologram - don't ask me what he was talking
about, I can't imagine why he'd want to - before I managed
to point out there was no reason he couldn't meld with a
real person instead."
"What happened then?"
"He attacked me. But in a good way. A very, very good way.
Unfortunately, it didn't last once his hormones returned to
normal, but that was one hell of a weekend."
"I have a question. In your suprisingly-well-hidden career
as a sex-addict, have you ever really regretted anything?"
Harry thought for a while. "Yes," he said eventually. "I
woke up naked one morning in Jurot's cabin, and around me,
also naked, were Jurot, Samantha Lang, Golwat and Kai
Nozewa. And we were all covered in this weird purple stuff.
I really, really regret that I don't remember how I got
there, because Nozewa assures me we all had a great time.
And the pictures Jurot took seem to support that claim, but
the whole evening is just a blank."
"Pictures you are *never* going to see. Definitely not
suitable for the family album."
"Good. I really don't want to," Tom replied, making a mental
note to talk to Jurot as soon as humanly possible. "I
know... I bet there's one crewmember you haven't slept with.
"You'd be right. It came close, but as it turns out, I have
no desire to be castrated, so we're not really suited."
"Ouch," Tom winced and continued, fascinated in spite of
himself. "Tuvok. Tell me what Tuvok's like in bed."
"Tuvok in bed... is like a three day orgasm." He smiled
serenely as Tom choked on his beer. "Don't let anybody tell
you Vulcans have no imagination. He has no preference over
giving and taking, is hung like a rhino, and told me that
bending me over the back of his sofa was the most enjoyable
experience he's had since his tea was spiked with Viagra 46
"Well, you did ask."
"I wasn't expecting you to answer! How the hell did you
manage to get him into
"He approached me, actually. A little while later I asked
him why. He told me I'd acquired a reputation for being
'inventive, talented, and extremely discrete'." Harry grinned
drunkenly. "There's nothing like a personal recommendation.
Although at the time I probably could have asked for his
command codes, and he would have given them to me. His mind
was on other things...." His eyes glazed over as he
remembered. "You know, those were some good times. Maybe
I'll go see him now...." He attempted to get to his feet and
immediately keeled over. Tom helped him to sit down again.
"Tuvok might not want to see you like this, Har."
"Perhaps I'd better stay here until the turbulence stops,"
Harry agreed. "Shall we have another drink?"
"In a little while."
"You think I'm lying." Harry's eyes narrowed in suspicion,
and he shook Tom's hand off his arm.
"No... not exactly."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I think you're exaggerating. Just slightly," he added
"I can't believe you think I'd lie about this!"
"Well, you have to admit, it's... unexpected."
"I'll prove it. Pick anyone in the bar. Go on."
Tom sighed and looked around. "Him." He pointed at a man
standing at the bar.
"That's Ensign Bronowski. Call him over."
Tom caught the man's eye and waved him over.
Harry smiled as he approached. "Hey, Dougie, did we ever go
out? Humour me."
Doug Bronowski nodded, curious. "Sure did. Though as I
recall, we spent most of the time staying in. What's this
Harry nodded with satisfaction. "Just proving to my friend
Tom here that he's a jackass. You made my point for me,
"No problem." Doug smiled, leaned down to plant a brief but
meaningful kiss on the inebriated ensign's lips and
sauntered back to the bar. Harry watched his particularly
fine ass for a few moments, then turned back to his friend.
"Anything to say?"
"All that proves is that you slept with Bronowski."
"You picked him at random! There's no way I could have known
you'd pick him!"
"Alright, I'll buy it. For now," Tom conceded.
"Which is why I have a problem! I either wait for us to
adopt some more aliens into the crew, wait until Naomi is an
adult - which would just be *wrong* - or be hopelessly
"Well, there is one person you haven't slept with."
"Tom, I already told you. If I go near Seven again, she'll
cut my nuts off. She told me so."
Tom grinned. "I didn't mean her. Someone else."
"Who?" Harry stared at Tom. "You?"
"Have you ever slept with me?"
"Well, no, but you're *Tom*," he explained with drunken
logic. "You're my friend. Besides, since when do you have
any interest in me?"
"Since about half an hour ago when I started looking at you
in a whole new light."
"A good light?" Harry asked hopefully.
"A particularly... different light."
Harry cheered up. "This could be fun."
"Especially if you're as... what was it Tuvok called you?"
"Inventive and talented?" He grinned widely.
"That's the one."
Tom leaned in. "Prove it."
Harry leaned forward, gave his friend a lingering kiss, then
whispered at length in his ear.
Tom cleared his throat. "Okay. That's a new one on me."
"I know. Get me to your quarters, and I'll show you."
Each steadying the other, they made it to Tom's quarters in
record time. Once there, a supremely happy and pleasantly
intoxicated Harry devoted his considerable talents to making
Tom an extremely happy man and proving that, whatever else
he may be, Harry Kim was no liar.
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