Right Now: | |
| I put on a front everyday at school. Hell, I put on a front everyday that I go anywhere. I become this tough little kid, with "I'll kick yer ass" written on my forhead and "Don't mess with me." scowled across my face. I emit a giant, "stay away or prepare to pay" beacon. And only my friends are slightly aware that its a front. They don't know they extent of it. They don't know that its all a cover up, that I'm not tough. I pretend to be, cos it makes everything so much easier. I'm a mess inside. The smudge of existance that I really am is starting to come out, and I'm fighting it to the death. I've been fighting it a while now... I don't want people to know about my emotions, I don't want them to know that my heart actually pumps real, red, warm blood, that it isn't a cold little rock. I don't want people to know that I care, and that as soon as I start caring, I break down. That everytime I break down, it kills me to keep the pieces inside. I don't want people to know that I'm a girly-girl, that I like all the girly things my appearance suggests I don't. I giggle in secrecy with Lindsey. I hide how I feel around the people I care about. I store my tears inside me, keeping them for my pillow alone to know. It's pathetic. I want people to know the real me, to now about the kid inside, who sits around and cries. Yeah, remember all the jokes I tell about the little emo kids? I guess I'm one of them. I won't change the lightbulb, I'll sure as hell sit there and cry, wallow in my own self-pity. Most of it comes from the fact that I hide myself. So the obvious answer would be to just tear down my front, right? I've spent the last three or four years of my life creating my costume. It's glued on, and it's not Elmer's this time. I used the good stuff, that doesn't just wash away after one or two baths. I'm gonna have to scrub it off. I'm starting to scrub now, a little, but its tough, and it hurts coming off. I don't ever let people see my cry, and suddenly, thats what I gotta do to change... It's hard. But it's going to happen, and most likely, it's going to happen this summer. So I guess I'm making a propasition or something like that. I don't really know, but we're going to find out. See ya at the end of the summer.... .:TW!TCH:. |