errata
soundtrack: valentine [the get up kids]
I try to do what's right? What a load of self-aggrandizing bullshit. No, I don't generally try to do what's right. I generally act instinctively and selfishly without thinking. Yes, when I do take the time to think about things, I try to do the right thing, but that's not as often as I'd like.
This is probably the whole reason Jen and I split up. Alright, yes, she should have spoken to me when she started having problems in the relationship, so we could have sorted things out. But just the same, I should have tried harder to get her to talk about things when I realized problems were surfacing. Instead, when she started to withdraw I just started acting 'hurt'. I'm such a selfish idiot.
The most frustrating thing is I'll never get a second chance on this, no continues, no do-overs. I know it's part of life that there sometimes mistakes that you cannot fix - but why did we have to be one of them?

  posted by james @ 8.11.02

 
another day, another worthless canadian dollar
mood: tired of everything
soundtrack: fall from grace [the get up kids]
I don't know what I'm on about with this whole asking-people out thing. Maybe it's the completely wrong direction to be headed in, I don't know. See, generally I try to do what's right - you could say that that's the main driving force in my existence, if you didn't mind making me sound a lot better than I actually am. When I have to make a decision based on something other than ethics, it gets dicey. So, this hooking up deal. No-one's going to get hurt, because I would never imply to someone that I felt more than I really did. Any attachment would be voluntary and I, unlike some people, try to be responsible with other people's feelings.
Ugh, that was such an asshole thing to say.
Anyway. There's nothing 'wrong' per se with wanting to go out with someone while I'm in love with someone else, right? The wrongess would come from cheating, I think. And since Jen doesn't ever want to speak to me again, I think my odds of cheating on her are rather low. Maybe right now I just want companionship of someone to replace at least a small amount of what I've lost. Sure, I won't be in love, so it won't be nearly as meaningful, but at least it'll be something. I still don't understand what I'm feeling. Last night I literally couldn't stop thinking about Jen, and I couldn't sleep at all from all the crying. It's like when you're a kid, and someone tells you 'if you can not think of a purple elephant for three minutes you'll get a wish', and then you can't pull it off. Not that anyone ever said that to me when I was a kid. If anyone had taken such a tupping liberty with me, I'd've shattered their face off.
I applied at Red Deer College today. Need to bump my GPA up so I can get back into university. I tried telling the people at U of A that 'I dropped out for love', but they didn't buy it. Those soulless monsters. Anyway, I'll be in general studies (ie, no major) and just taking 24 credits of random courses. Should be fun, I think I'll take some obscure things like philosophy of child care or summat.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to tell Dave this, though. At the Liquidation World interview dealie I told him I wouldn't be going back to school until next fall, and at the time it was true, as I didn't know I'd have to do this. I'll probably leave it until around Christmas - I'll still be on probation, so he can always fire me if he doesn't want me to work part-time. Stacy works only one day a week, though, so I don't think it'll be too hard for me to swing something similar. Then again, Stacy's stunning and all I have is my cudgel-sharp wit going for me. We'll see.
I have Saturday off, so I'll probably go out and get sloshed tomorrow night. My first paycheque is coming in tomorrow. However, since I'm saving up for Christmas presents now, I'll just have to get drunk on Black Lable or a mickey of summat hard. Not that that bothers me much. Don't want to be too pissed, though, because the next day (Saturday, if you just started reading down here) I think I'm going to drop by work and ask Stacy out. So, expect me to post something about getting shot down in about 48 hours.
I'm heading off to bed now, tho. Need to work in 7.75 hours or so, and I think I'll get a moderately decent amount of sleep tonight. If I can keep my mind blank, anyway.

  posted by james @ 8.11.02

 
rest for the wicked
I was going to post something epiphanous here, but I'm tired. Sleep now.

  posted by james @ 6.11.02

 
run with your heart of stone
mood: pretty average [for once]
soundtrack: underwhelmed [sloan]
Work's draining. Maintaining an air of constant cheer and charm that is the exact opposite of what I am feeling knocks me down. The people I work with are strange, too. I've hit it off alright with Greg and Stacy, and am on good terms with everyone else, I suppose, but understanding of any of them seems far from accessible. It's not that way every time you meet new people, though I'm sure people will tell me so. With some people you have things in common, or at least similar personalities. Liquidation World is a big barren desert for me.
At least it pays.
There's this bracelet in a Sears catalog I've been looking at... it's white gold with 13 carats of diamonds in a sort of staggered pattern. I don't know how to describe it short of luminous - it's the perfect gift. It's only $599 if I buy it before Christmas, so I'm going to save my next paycheque and buy it, and then send it to Jen. The fact that she hates me has little bearing on whether or not she deserves a gift, after all. I just hope she won't throw it back in my face.
She probably will. She'll probably think it's an attempt on my part to bribe her into speaking to me again. Oh well, I'll still feel better for giving the bracelet to her.
And on the subject of Christmas presents, I need to find something nice for Chloe. If it wasn't for her, I would have probably ended up in front of a train somewhere as summer ended. She emailed me the other day, and said she'd start sending my letters - so I'll surreptitiously snag her mailing address for gift-sending use. To be honest, I'm thinking of getting her a bracelet too, although one as expensive as Jen's will be out of reach. When I was in Glasgow I strung her a bracelet of beads, but it only took me about 20 minutes and is probably broken by now. At the very least, she's getting this set of Powerpuff Girls academic diary, notebook and pencil bag I bought her at work yesterday. After all, who doesn't like the Powerpuff Girls?
[Answer to rhetorical question: stupid people.]
I've been playing quite a bit of Cardea lately, and a handful of old Super Nintendo games (Bahamut Lagoon, Treasure Hunter G, Final Fantasy 6 - although FF6 keeps crashing on me). I've found, really, that video games are a bit of an escape mechanism for me. Not only can you avoid the common-ness of real life, but since I'm general quite good at video games, I can usually do a heck of a lot better than I do in real life too. I know when Jen split up with me, I went out and bought Final Fantasy 9, and that kept me from shooting myself during the first week. I suppose everyone has something they do to take their mind off of things, good on me that mine is fun.
I should have been out drinking tonight, really, but I don't have any money on me. Before any of you say 'you don't need to drink to have fun', hear me out. When I'm out drinking, my chances of meeting old friends increase quite a bit, since I run into them at the clubs; my chances of hooking up increase exponentially, since not only do I run into quite a lot of young women, most of them are also drunk; and I need to drink to have fun.
I don't know what the deal has been me this past few weeks. On the one hand, I'm missing Jen more than ever, and yet I spend so much time trying to find someone else. Maybe they're one and the same, maybe I'm looking for a replacement - but I can't help thinking that maybe I'm not in love with her at all anymore, and I just want an excuse to stop thinking about her. This'd be what she'd say, at least. She'd say I didn't want to admit to myself that I'm not in love with her. The counselor I was speaking to in Lancaster, she would say that maybe I'm just lonely. Me? I'd say that I know that Jen isn't going to come back into my life, so I'm trying to enjoy myself. I have no illusions about being in love with anyone else, nor will I ever give the impression. Who says I have to be in love to want to have a date here and there, or a kiss now and then?
Alright, I guess I've figured out what the deal was. Well, I suppose that's the whole point of putting your thoughts into words, innit?

  posted by james @ 6.11.02

 
now returning to our regular scheduled programming.
mood: moderately satisfied
soundtrack: a lull in traffic [the gloria record]
Now that I've caught this up with my current life situation, I can get back to the unimportant drivel that makes up a true weblog. I've got the archives working, apparently, so that's good.
There's this uber-cute (uber with dots over the u) girl at work named Stacy. She looks to be about 21, maybe 22, so still within asking-out range. I was going to last Saturday, actually, but didn't get the chance (read: I wussed out). In all fairness, I should probably stay away from the opposite sex completely until things in my life are sorted out, but what can I say? I'm the creepy dependant type. That, or I just like dating. Probably the former, anyway.
On Saturday we went down to Catwalk - we being Faisal and I. Jimmy and the Walmart circle were up at BP's, but didn't want to come drink. Fuzz and I, on the other hand, desired pissedness, and went on a spirit quest. After downing a few pitchers at Catwalk, we went back up to BP's, and still no one wanted to drink with us. So we went over to Bellini's, instead, and told Ray all about how Mittens had tried to attack those policeman on Halloween, and had a good laugh. Then we went back to Catwalk. I wasted $1 losing to the computer at Marvel vs. Capcom 1 and Marvel vs. SNK, because I suck. We ran into Thea, and I went to say hello, but Fuzz left because he doesn't like Thea. Yay. So I ended up getting a ride home with her, although we stopped off at her friend Dan's first to 'test' his bong. All in all, a productive night. To be honest, though, I went out mostly hoping to run into Stacy. Christ, me and pretty faces. They fucking kill me.

  posted by james @ 4.11.02

 
emergency cab
Jen and I didn't see each other much after Leeds. I could tell she didn't want me around. The last time we really spoke was Nat's last night in town, when we all went to the pub. Jen's ex-boyfriend Richie, who she'd also lived with (and for quite a bit longer than me) was up. I held back the urge to shatter his face off, but I was already in a bad mood when a drunken Jen decided to chew me out for my plans to go to London. She'd already spent the previous half-hour flirting with Richie in front of me, so actually, I was in a double-bad mood. I just wish that when Jen did things like that that made me angry, I could still keep my best interests in mind, instead of acting mad and hurt. Instead of taking the opportunity to talk to her, I told her that she was out of line and left to catch up with Nat and Nige, who had left when Jen started flying off the handle at me. She, Richie and Jo caught up later, but Jen and I didn't talk any after that.
So I caught the train down to London, my aim being to find a job and a flat and start anew. Chloe was in London, too, so we could have had some fun. As it was, my return ticket date came up, and I panicked, and cabbed it to the airport. Before that, of course, I tubed it over to Tooting Broadway and said goodbye to Chloe, and rang up Jen to let her know that I was going back to my side of the planet.

Well that's it.
I'm walking to the water.
I'm standing on the bank.
I'm staring at my reflection.
Oh my god, I look pathetic tonight.

Now I'm back in Red Deer, working full-time as a cashier for a nickel above minimum wage, trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. And I'm coming up with nothing. Why go to university? There's nothing I want to learn. Why try to find someone else? No one can ever compare to her. Why move on at all? The grass isn't going to be greener on any other pastures. I'll just sit here and waste my time at work. Maybe I'll pay off her mortgage.

  posted by james @ 4.11.02

 
the aftermath
My return ticket wasn't until September, and really, I didn't feel like leaving just yet. I had still had my hopes up.
I moved in with Jo and tried to keep my spirits up (with spirits). Nothing of much significance happened until Leeds.
See, Leeds was our backup plan. If I couldn't stay, Leeds was to be the last big event of our summer, until Jen and I could see each other again. The significance of going to this event with her was not lost on me, but I didn't know what I could possibly accomplish, now that she hates me.
Early on the first night we set up camp, and Jen proceeded to get bombed on champagne and flirt with a pair of guys from a neighbouring camp right in front of me, that sensitive girl that she is. I walked off.
I ran into some complete strangers, and a girl from Cumbria whose name I can't remember tried to pick me up. She towed me around the campsite with her hand on my pants and we drank a lot, and smoked a lot, but when the offer came of spending the night with her I declined. To do what Jen had just done to me would be unthinkable.
Friday morning I got up and struck out on my own. I didn't want to ruin her festival by sticking around, after all. I saw most of the main stage bands, and met up with Jen and friends near the end of the night. When Guns and Roses came on, she threw a tantrum and ran off to the campsite. I went after her to make sure she was alright. I shouldn't have. I would have liked to have seen Guns and Roses.
On Saturday I went off on my own again, but now my reason was simply that I didn't want to be around Jen. When I'd come back to the camp with her, she'd spent about half an hour chewing me out and shouting at me. Needless to say, I wasn't in a great mood. I spent most of the day right at the front of the crowd, and hooked up with two cute philosophy students at the Strokes show. We went back to their tent and drank expensive French wine until four AM, at which point I decided to head back to camp for pretty much the same reasons as I had had on Thursday night. Sometimes I wish I was as selfish as she tells me I am.
Sunday, however, was probably the best day of the entire festival. It was the day of the emo tent. This was certainly a secure location, as Jen would only show up for Dashboard Confessional and then leave. I was planning on not going, to be honest, but when I walked past and The Anniversary were playing 'Sweet Marie', I couldn't stop myself. That's when I met Chloe.

Well, not exactly.

I saw this incredibly beautiful girl dancing a few feet away from me. We were both on the edge of the mosh pit. After a set from a band who I couldn't for the life of me recognize, I said hello, and asked her how she thought the set was. She smiled, and we talked, and we spent the rest of the day together, leaving the emo tent briefly to see The Hives and Alec Empire. Chloe was an arts student from Glasgow, who played in a band called Sixfold, and dressed like her two greatest influences were Sunny Day Real Estate and glam rock. At the end of the day, when she had to leave to get up early the next morning, I was waiting for the best moment to ask her if she wanted to keep in touch, when she pre-emptively gave me her phone number and email address. Sunday was a very good day in comparison to the sea of malaise that had been my usual.

A few weeks later, I'd go to Glasgow to visit Chloe for the weekend. We took in the grey, dingy Scottish sights, and generally had a very good time. When I told her that I liked her quite a bit, and would like to see if anything could happen between us, she told me that she'd rather not, that she'd rather her next few months be about her and her life at the St. Martin's Royal College of arts. I was disappointed, of course, but I suppose it's not like we were in love or anything. The most ironic fact would probably be that she didn't want to get involved with me because she knew I was still hung up on Jen.

I'm still hung up on Jen.

  posted by james @ 4.11.02

 
that week...
...was probably one of, if not the happiest periods of my life. I spent my days getting to know Jen's friends - Jo, Gary, and Tim, my future flatmates, Maura, Jen's future roommate, Marcus, Maura's boyfriend, Sam, aspiring DJ, Kathryn, the incredibly self-centred neighbour, and Quincy the cat, to name the most significant ones. Jen and I spent as much time together as possible as soon she'd have to go back to work, and then she'd be out of the house a lot.
But nothing lasts forever. As the second week plodded along, we started to run into problems. Small ones, the ones you always get when you move in with someone - but Jen wouldn't talk about them. She wouldn't even tell me if she had problems with things. Instead, she punished me for my crimes by withholding her affection, and not speaking to me. In the course of three weeks it seemed that every drop of love she may or may not have had for me had evaporated and blown far, far away.
I remember many nights, laying on the edge of the bed. She'd have turned her back to me and refused to speak. I could do nothing but try and fall asleep... if only to stop crying.
Within three months, it was over. She broke things off, and asked me to leave.
I did my crying in the guest bedroom that night.

  posted by james @ 4.11.02

 
the best day of my life
Jen and I got closer, in both the literal and metaphorical sense. Things escalated to two-hour nightly phone calls. My painting was on her wall; my shoebox reliquary was filling to the brim with her letters. I had it for real, and I had it bad: this was love, for the first time. After a while, I couldn't take the distance. It was coming between us, to quote The Get Up Kids, and I was doubting every page I put out. I needed to be with her, to be a real part of her life rather than an abstraction, an ideal. Little did I know that she had no wish for anything other than that ideal.
I dropped out of the University of Victoria, and packed my bags. A ticket to the first flight to London was in my pocket, and I left town. She met me at the airport, me in my best shirt with a box of chocolates and a pair of Jones' Sodas, her in a sweatshirt with a linger of cigarette smoke. She'd said she'd quit.
Things were awkward, at first. I'd been hoping for a sweeping, grandiose response to my sweeping, grandiose gesture. Instead we moved slowly, and only held hands as we sat on the train to Lancaster. We'd sat and waited for the bus at the airport, she'd had a chocolate and thrown my soda out. She doesn't like root beer. The bus took us to the tube, and the tube to the train, where we sat with welts on our shoulders from carrying all my worldly posessions. Some big burly guy wouldn't let us swap seats with him, so I had to sit a row behind her, and I held her hands tight as we fell asleep. It'd been exhausting.
We arrived in Lancaster, and had showers and changed. I took my things up to the room where I'd spend the next three months, and then we went down to Fibber McGees to meet a few of her friends. Jo and Tim were down there, and we drank liberally in an attempt to beat back our inhibitions. After a few rounds, Jen spirited me off to the Italian restaurant down by Elemental and Liquid - Marco's, I think - and we got a table for dinner.
The wine was absolutely horrid, and tasted like sick. I did my best to finish my share of the bottle, though. She said dinner was her treat and I couldn't argue, so I didn't and decided on some pasta. "We're at an expensive restaurant," she said, "have a real meal.". So I ordered a steak, and it was nice. She ordered veal.
We waited for our food to come, and finally I said that I'd had enough of the awkwardness, and we had our first kiss. It was the single most blissful moment of my life, and perhaps the reason why this day is burned into my memory so deeply. I wish I could torch that restaurant, I'd render it to a pile of ashes.

  posted by james @ 4.11.02

 
long time, no see
My apologies to my non-existent readers for not updating at all in the past nine months or so, but I've been busy. I'll break this into multiple posts for my own convenience, so enjoy.

  posted by james @ 4.11.02