The Rantings of Raven

Well, Today is Easter Sunday. Funny, but it was alot harder to deal with him not being here for this then i thought. I mean it's not like there is any significance besides us being together as a family and the exchange of small gifts. But not having his presence here is very much heart breaking for me right now. I've off and on been both happy and sad today. I've been happy to spend it with my mom (though she is being a busy body and is cleaning and such. I tried helping but i am exhausted from the previous night out plus a huge lack of sleep. Put that together and you have a recipie for phsyical and even emotional exhaustion.)

I found myself sitting in my room, listening to the music enveloping it from my new stereo system which mom got for me for easter (i'd thought it was my birthday or something! LOL) She knew i needed one and had the money so she just did it. Not that i don't like it, hell i love it. It is an amazing system! But i just keep thinking that the only reason that we were able to afford it is because low and behold, my dad died. It's funny how you can trace pratically anything back to one partiular turn of events in your life.

As i sat there i looked to the two huge speakers sitting on either side of the base, each holding a 5x7 picture of my dad, one of me and him when i was little (my fave picture of me and him, since it holds one of my fave memories with it) and one with my mom and dad dancing at our neighbours tom and kelly's wedding reception. I'd look up at them, the combination of my own aching for his presence and the music resonating from the speakers on which they sat would have me to tears, causing the ache in my heart to swell. But then i would look out my window and think how beautiful a spring day it was, how fresh the air smelt, how wonderful the sun felt on my skin. How much my father would have enjoyed today and my heart would lighten just a bit. It's funny how you tend to take for granted the things in life you love, the people you care about and how they always seem to just be there. It's only when you have them ripped away from you that you truely apreciate the person they were and how much you truely cared and loved that person. How much there every day presence was a gift and a huge part of your life.

It's been a hard day, though i haven't been all sad and gloomy, but as i would be sitting happy and feeling good my mood would switch at the drop of a hat, either by my looking at the pictures of my dad around my room, or at one of his things, or at just the thoughts of that day. At one point while i was sitting in my room i was going through my journal and found a very heated passage i had written where i was blasting my father left right and center, and stating how much i hated him. I almost lost my breath when i read it. I remember that day in all it's detail too. And i remember how irrational my father had been acting, how angry i was at him, how hateful i had been towards him. It ripped at my heart. I was so tempted to rip it from my journal and burn it, but i couldn't. I know that i don't hate him, and that even in that state i loved him. In fact the reason i was so angry at him and hateful was because of the fact that i love him so. It still stung to read how much hate i had for him that day, and brought fresh tears to my eyes. Crazy how you don't like to tarnish the good memory of someone you love and lose in the aftermath of greif.

Well there isn't too much else to it now. I am going to go take a shower and possibly a walk to let myself get some of these crazy feelings a way to release. Then i will come back on and check my email before either stopping to chat on here for a bit or take some time to write or read before i hit the hay early. ( i have to work very early tomorrow and have to work a split on top of that so i will need my rest.) It's edging closer to my birthday and then to the day i am dreading, the burrial. Plus the added stress of the store opening in a week, this is going to be a very stressful month and a half. Gee, cant wait.

Well, it's sure been a while since i have written in here. Well it's been a hard two months or so. Some days are easier then others, but i find i have been at least able to cry. The problem with that is that every time i think of my father, be it a happy memory or looking at a fave picture, i start to cry! i mean god i know before i was complaining that i didn't have any water works, but now i can't seem to think of him without breaking into them. And another anoying thing that happens is that when i do think of my father and do start crying, flashes of that night start flying through my head, changing my reasons for crying from missing my father to pain and horror of reliving that night all over again. I don't want this to be how it is for the rest of my life. I love my father, dead or not. It's hard to know that i can't even think of the good memories of my father without them being tainted with the horrors of that night flashing through my head. Finding him, discovering he was dead, the ambulance, the police, and even when they took his body away. I almost wish i could have seen them take him away. My mom told me to stay over on the other side of our neighbours house with her and Cindy (my mom's friend that had come to stay with us) trying to protect me from having the image of my father being taken away in a body bag burnt into my memory but it didn't help. I know what a body bag looks like, i know what a gurney looks like. i saw the vechicle that came to take him away. I unfortunatly, as if i had stood and watched it with my own eyes, have an image of my father being taken away in a body bag that rushes through my head whenever the images of that night streak through my mind. Having a vivid imagination can be a curse.

Plus in a little more then a months time i will have to go through the grisly process of actually burrying my father. That is going to be even harder then the memorial service with all my family and friends. i know i am going to no doubt loose it, but at least i will have the support of my mom and our close friends who will be invited to be there. I'm hoping one person in particular will be there but if they can't make it i know i will have a few other friends who will help me make it though the day. The only thing good that will come from this is that i will at least have a place to go to be with him. I know he's only ashes now but at least i'd feel like i was visiting him. Graves are only for the benefit of those who are left behind, and i know that. I also know that i am going to use that to help me get through this too.

On another note alot of important dates are comming up that my father will now miss. My 20th birthday, Fathers day, my mom and dads aniversary. All in the span of a 4 week period starting the week of my birthday. I know this because the weekend we plan on having the burial is two weeks after my birthday and two weeks before my parents aniversary. Plus a few days before their aniversary is father's day. Dammit! That's going to a draining 4 weeks i think. Plus on top of that the new foodliner is going to be opening in about 2 weeks, so there is the added stress of the new store to add to all these fun days that i will be going through. I can't wait unitl this year is over. I hate it already. It's been the worst year of my life. Everything just seems to be going completely wrong. I hate it and can't wait until this bullshit is over. I am very tired, very pissed off and very upset. I think i am gunna stop writing for now. Till next time. i have no doubt in my mind that i will be writing in here a few more times on the few ocasions i have mentioned.

Well, on the advice of a very close friend of mine (who listened to me blab and cry about things recently) told me i should try to write happy things instead of such negative stuff. So i am going to take that advice and write a happy memory of me and my dad.

At our neighbour Tom and Kelly's wedding reception me and my dad had a slow dance together. I had my head resting on his chest, as he held me i felt so happy, so safe, so loved. It's one of my fondest memories of me and him. That was about two years ago. I really miss him. Now he will never be able to have the father daughter dance when i get married someday, nor will he be able to walk down the asile. He will never be able to bounce his grandson or grandaugther on his knee. I miss him so much. It's so stupid, why on earth did he have to go now? God i'm only 19 for christ sake, he didn't even get to make it to my 20th birthday. Ha, ok well i tried writing something happy. I got instead a balance of happy sad. oh well! well that's all i got to write for now.

I think you will find over the next while that i may write more frequently in here... i find writing a way to release, so i may have more to say.

I guess i will start of by saying that this is one of the hardest thing, harder then even two other horrid incidents, that i have ever had to deal with. I will admit it now, i am not dealing very well. You see, everyone sees me and says, "wow you're so strong, i don't know how you do it." I almost want to look them in the eyes and laugh. Strong? i'm not strong, i'm a coward. I've walled away my emotions, trying despirately to act like nothing happened, like i didn't find him cold, white and dead, curled up like a sweet little boy on the couch downstairs. No, i'm not strong at all. I can't even admit it to myself. As soon as i do that, i lose it. The only few times i cried so far is when something broke through the cracks in the wall i have errected, making the death of my father all to real. Like when mom talks bout him in past tense, or when i have to talk to the innsurance people about things while mom's out doing other errands. Then reality hits like a recking ball and smashes that poor wall to bits, exploding through me to my very essence. Then it's all to real, and you see that i am not strong at all. If being strong means shying away from what happened and walling away your feelings then i suppose i am. But i don't believe that is what it means to be strong, so i don't believe for a second that i am at all.

I want to be strong, for my mom, for my dad. But i can't, there's just so much going on, i can't afford to deal with this right now. I have mom to worry bout, college, work, money. I just can't. If i did i wouldn't be able to deal with everything else. If i was to actually try to fully embrace this, embrace that he is dead, that i found him, that he was dying while i was in the house and i wasnt able to help him, i would fall apart. Have you ever smashed glass? and just kept pounding it until it was nothing but dust? That's what would happen to me. It would pound away at me, smashing me to pieces until there was nothing more left of me then dust, just like my father. I can't have that happen, not now. I don't know if i will be albe to go to college this year. I don't think i will have even begun to deal with it by then, and i am worried it will affect my school work. I can't afford to pay for it, only to fail because i can't concentrate. I hope that isn't the case.

All i want to do is disapear. Just vanish off the face of the earth, surround myself in darkness. Darkness devoid of hurt, pain, suffering, love, anger, and guilt. A place where you feel nothing but numb. I like feeling numb, it takes away the hurt, the pain. It steels your emotions, hardens you. I do that alot, go numb. I don't like to let myself fall to pieces, so i tend to do that alot at work. It's hard. I thought work would be an escape but it's not, it's worse then being home. Everyone always asking me how i am, customers and friends asking how i am, how my mom is, if we know what happened, if there is anything they can do. I hate hearing that stuff now, unless it is from my close friends. See they are the only ones i can actually truthfully answer. If i am having a shit day, i can say so and they will listen to me, help me if they can, be a shoulder i can cry on. But everyone else, they are either just trying to do the right thing, or are trying to pry into our lives and get the gossip. To these people i regurgitate the same answer over and over: "I'm doing alright, it's hard, but i'm doing good. Yea it's very weird, very different, but i'm adjusting ok. Mom? oh she is holding up really well, better then i thought she would. Yea she is doing pretty well. No we haven't heard anything yet, still waiting for the autopsy report."

What i really would liket to say: Doing alright? i guess that isn't a lie, though it isn't the total truth. Yea of course it's weird, and different, he is a big part of my life, one that has been rip from it leaving a huge hole. Mom, she is doing well, but i know she isn't always truthful with me. I know she is taking it harder then she ever lets on. Of course we know how he died! the autopy is over you moron! they sent the reports and some tissue samples to toronto just to make sure they can rule out every possibility, but we know how he died all the same. Why the hell should we tell you how he died? You don't know us, you're not close to me or my mom, hell you didn't even know my dad. Fuck you wouldn't know him if you fuckin fell over his corpse you nosey dipshit! Why don't you leave me and my mother the fuck alone? Go bother some other poor souls. You want gossip you wont get it from me.

OH and get this! MY mom just told me that there have been people comming into the store and saying to other workers, or even my mom herself, that they heard my dad commited suicide! How fucking dare you lie, spreading rumors about my father like that you stuipd fucking assholes. I mean how sick and twisted are you to come to the fucking grocery store that both me and my mom work at and spread that shit around. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i want to punch someone so bad. Aparently the stupid fucks are to smart to say it to my face. Smart of them, cause if they did, i would be getting fired and charged for assult. Or i would at least start shouting at them in the middle of the grocery store and get sent home. My god, i mean, jesus christ, people are so heartless. I am just waiting for someone to say it to me, or to have a co-worker tell me who it is so i can confront them on it and give them fucking hell. AHHHHHHHHHH I AM GUNNA FUCKING SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus i hate this, i hate people, i hate money, i hate death!

It's now 1:21 and i got to do some stuff tomorrow with my mom, though i don't know if i really want to. I think i have vented some of the shit that is boiling up inside me, though i have barely scratched the surface. I will no doubt write more later. Sorry to all my friends who read this. Please know that anyone who is allowed to read this is not who i was talking about, not who i was yelling at. :) thanks.

I'm have a most shitty day. It's made me reconsider my ideas on the meaning of life. I use to think that we exist to experience everything that our beautful world could offer us, such as love, a family, the beauty of nature and the sheer pleasure of being alive and making it in the world. I've changed that ideal. After the bullshit i have had to go through this year, ontop of the shit i've been through these short 19 years of what i use to hope would be a long lifetime, i've come to reason that we exist simply to hurt, to feel pain, and to be subjugated to the horrors that humanity can thrust apon ourselves. Though we all suffer differently and maybe in some eyes more or less the one another, the bottom line is the same, everyone suffers unconsolably in their own way.

For example a person can have everything, but never attain love, and then must live life alone and be empty of the love a life partner can only fulfill. A child in a third world country could live in a single roomed shack with 5 or 6 brothers and sisters, a pregnant mother and a hard worked father that can barely put food on the table. Though the child may know the joyous love of a mother and father and siblings, they still suffers from hunger, pain, and will no doubt suffer some sort of disease that could someday kill them. Some would look at this comparison and say that the poor child suffers more, and others would look at the person who has everything but love and say that he suffers more since the child at least is able to experience love. In my eyes they both suffer the same, one no more then the other. They simply suffer in different ways. No matter how big or little the suffering, it exists in everyones life.

Those who suffer one huge faitality shall live with it for their entire existance, forever plauged by the horrendous event. Another may have much smaller things happen to them throughout their life and will suffer just as much as the first, if you could add together all the hardships they suffer through. If looked at in this light, you can see that no matter how big or small the reason for our suffering, it is the same. Some may suffer harsher things, but in the end we all go through agony and anguish, and all feel the pain of existance.

Some would read what i've just said and then say to themselves "but how would you explain all the good things that we also experience in life? If existance is suppose to be all suffering and pain, then why do we have joy?" I think that we need this joy in our life, if not to give us something to compare our suffering to, but to also give us something in our meager existance to hold on to and cling to so that we can continue to live. In this it shows that there are two arguments to the acutal meaning of life. I suppose every persons ideals of the meaning of their existance depend on weather they are suffering at the time, or happy in their life.

We are given love, only to have it taken away, or broken when loyalty is shattered. We earn money, only to have it taken from us by banks, companies, corporations, or the government. We have possesions only to have them stolen, broken, or unapreciated. There are probably more things i could use as examples, but these are the few the spring to mind. I can't help but feel this helpless existance is nothing more then a cruel joke.

The horrible things we can do to one another astonishes me as well as makes me want to cry out. How we can make poor people hungry, how we can kill without remorse, how we can take advantage of the suffering of others in order to make a buck? It sickens me and makes me ashamed to be human. I know from experience that even i am not free of the ability to do wrong, for i myself have done some things that i am ashamed of and wish with all my heart i could undo or change. It makes me feel that the ability to change the world is a false ideal that we cling to. How could we ever hope to acheive peace by killing? How can we feel we can feed the hungry when all the money we give, more times then not, simply end's up in the greedy claws of the government of these suffering countries, never gettting the chance to reach the people who need it most?

My heart right now is sick with greif and hurt. It blinds me to the good of the world, how ever little of it exists. I'm going to stop writing now simply because i don't have the heart anymore to argue my point. I can't talk about this anymore if i am ti be able to finish the day. I just needed some place to vent my frustrations about my situation right now. I hope sometime soon something will happen that changes my mind, for i don't know how long i would be albe go on with an outlook as bleak as this.

Well, it has taken me a long time to get the courage up to write about this. Man, both this one and the one before are sad entries, though this one much harsher then the one before it. Hit too close to home. My father died Saturday February 1st, though I am not sure of the time, I found him at 530 or so down stairs, dead. I had thought he had been sleeping and had left him down stairs like that all day. The EMT said that he was probably dead for about 4 or 5 hours before I found him. I keep wondering, if I had just checked on him when I got up, could I have saved him? Was he already dead when I got up? Or was he lying downstairs, his body slowly shutting down, dying while I sat up stairs in the living room like an idiot waiting for him to come up to me. (I had to talk to him but was too scared of how he would react to what I had to say so I waited for him to come to go pee or get something to eat.)

At 5 pm I decided I had to tell him, and decided to wake him up (I had thought he was asleep and had checked on him twice to see if he was awake). So I went downstairs in the dark and called to him softly, when he didn’t respond I just bolted back upstairs chickening out and not wanting to wake him. I sat up stairs for another 10 minutes before I finally set my resolve and headed back down for another attempt. I went again in the dark and called to him. When he still didn’t answer I turned on the light by the fireplace and took a look at him. Alarm bells went off when I realized he was in the same position he was in all day. Another was because he didn’t seem to be moving and also because he wasn’t snoring or making noise. I called to him again, a little louder this time but he still didn’t answer. I ran up the stairs and rushed for the phone but stopped just before I grabbed it and decided to first try to make sure he wasn’t just soundly sleeping before I called mom and panicked her.

I unwillingly went back down and stood between the entry of the downstairs living room area (kinda an open basement thing) and called him again much louder. Still nothing. My heart was racing at this point and I knew I had to try to shake him awake, but I was so scared to touch him and have him not respond. (I hate when my instincts are right) Finally after standing there like an idiot for 2 minutes I walked over and lightly touched him with my right hand pushing his arm slightly. Nothing... I did it again... nothing. I freaked and ran back upstairs and called my mom at work. She asked me to check if he was breathing, so I took the phone down with me and put my hand on his back, nothing. I tried flipping him over but he was stiff and I couldn’t flip him over. I then tried listening over his mouth to see if I could here him breathing, but I couldn’t. I was too scared to admit defeat so I told mom to just come home right away. While I waited for her I tried again to flip him but all I got was the sound of stale air rushing out his cold lips. At the time I was hoping that was his breath and that there was still hope, though deep down I knew he was lost. I beat on his arm, shook him, screamed at him to get up, and then finally admitted defeat and collapsed on the floor in a heap and just shook with sobbing, crying for my dad to wake up, to answer me. He didn’t of course. When I heard my mom come home I tried to pull myself together and told her to go see him. She rushed down stairs while I put the dog in a bedroom upstairs so she wouldn’t get in the way. I could hear my mom getting hysteric downstairs so I called 911.

I stood in the front doorway crying, knowing he was gone, but hoping beyond hope that they could still save him. My mom in the meantime rushed next door and got our neighbour Tom hoping he could perform CPR. I heard him run downstairs and decided to go after him to see if I could help (when my mom went to get him she had yelled at me what she was doing) I helped him flip dad over finally. He tried to pry apart his crossed arms so he could get to his chest but he couldn’t get them apart. He tried opening his mouth but it was clenched shut. He knew he was dead and was freaking out. He went to run up stairs to tell my mom, but didn’t want to give up. He stopped halfway up the stairs and then ran back over and tried again but still didn’t have any luck. He looked at me and said “oh god cheri, I’m so sorry, but I think he is dead” I said in a quite voice that I knew, nodding my head to make sure he knew I understood if he didn’t hear my reply. We walked very slowly up to the doorway, he didn’t say anything but I think my mom could tell. Well the EMT’s finally arrived after that. Tom went downstairs with them. I stayed in the house and mom stayed out in the driveway with Kelly (toms wife) The older EMT came up stairs and told me that there was nothing they could do, he was already dead, long before they got there. That rigamortis had set in (I had started to fear that when i couldn’t move him or get his arms uncrossed, he just confirmed what I assumed) He went downstairs and my mom followed soon after. I went outside and told Kelly what the EMT’s had said and then just cried in her arms.

Soon after that police arrived and we were busy answering questions, making statements and dealing with the authorities until 9:30. After they had all left and my dad’s body was taken mom had friends come over and I had my friend Matt over. He sat with me in my room, held me for a bit, talked to me, comforted me. He even started brushing my hair and chatting about stuff to calm me down. I don’t know what I would have done without him. Matt I know you will read this and I just want to say thank you so much, I don’t know what I would have done that night without you. Thanks a million.

This past week or so has been very hard. I’m really having a hard time dealing with this. I can’t seem to cry, I want to ... but I can’t. And I am really upset bout it, but I can’t seem to bring myself to show it to really anyone. There are few people who know that. Hopefully sometime this week I will be able to release some of this. ( my family left today so it is just me and mom now.)

I also want to take the time to thank all my friends who have been here for me this passed week, listening to me when I needed to talk, taking me out of the house to just hang out and have some escape from everything. I wont name everyone’s names simply because I’m not sure if anyone wants there names mentioned. I know matt won’t mind, but just to be sure I won’t name names. If you read this and know you wouldn’t mind me mentioning you to give credit where it is do, let me know. Thank you everyone. You’ve helped me deal with this a little.

I think this kinda helped me, though it was very hard to relive it all, I think it will help me face reality a bit more. I love him so much and miss him dearly. I dunno how I will get along without him, but I guess I will.

November 18, 2002

i am feeling very numb right now. This morning after having slept recklessly tossing and turning , i was informed that my great grandmother (who i refer to as Nanny K) died late sunday night. I was really upset by this. Yea i know she was old, 91 to be exact, and yea she had lived a long and good life, but that information doesn't make me feel any better about it. Did you ever notice how practical information like this doesn't seem to do crap to comfort you when you loose someone you love? I mean you know everyone has to die sometime, but when it finally happens that "it was just their time" crap seems to do little to comfort you. No matter how long or short their life, it's still hard to let someone you love go. If i had to go to her funeral ( i won't be albe to go since our family can't afford to fly to Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, where she lived. Most of our family lives up there as well.) i don't think i would be able to handle it. It would feel like having a ton of bricks droped on me over and over and over again. I haven't been able to accept that she is dead yet. I know it isn't healthy to act like nothing happened but i think it is better this way. This way i have time to slowly come to grips with the reality of her death instead of being horrifyingly hit with the truth of matter.

I'm very numb. Not in the cold sense, but emotionally. After i was told what happened, i went though the motions of making breakfast just out of habit and then retreated to my room to eat and greive. I wanted a chance to be alone with myself so i would have time to cry. I didn't want to be seen crying about this in front of my mother (it was her grandmother) because i wanted to be strong for her. But after eating i sat on my bed and hugged my big comfort bear mike and cuddle him tighly, but i just couldn't cry. i sat there a few moments longer, waiting for everything to hit me and turn me to tears but it never happened. I was numb. Finally i laid down and curled up in a ball still clinging to mike for comfort. still nothing. after laying there a few moments longer i decided i needed a distraction and played my video game all afternoon.later i had to go to my first driving class (what a time to start a driving course!). After i came home from that i tried watching tv with my mom and then played my game some more. When i finally died fighting a mini boss an hour later (that was the fith or sixth i had to fight ina row) i gave up and came on here. I'm stil feeling kinda numb. I'm scared to think about it, to accept that she is dead. i know that when i do i will break down and cry uncontrolably. i don't know if i can handle that right now. so instead i'm staying numb to it all.

I loved her so much. I can't imagine not seeing her again. I don't want to. Slowly i will deal with this. I have friends who love and care for me and i know they will be there for me thoughout this. I know i can make it though... thank you to all my friends who will be here for me. i really apreciate it.

if you would like to comment on this entry, simply click on the email link below. Thank you.

October 15, 2002

HELLO EVERYONE! well it's just after thanksgiving weekend, and i must tell you it was great! friday i worked and babysat... made a lil dough! (which i used on saturday night! LOL) Saturday ... now that was a fun day! LOL

Everyone (except a few people) came home for thanksgiving weekend. well we all ended up going out. First we headed to Fred's (a use to be famous bar owned by a guy name fred, but he died earlier this year) well since the new management took over... it's not the same. In fact there was NO MUSIC, and the walls were bare, so there wasn't much atmosphere! It really sucked. Maybe it will be beter when it is up and running, but till then, it sucks! Well after about a half our of staying there we left and headed to shots (about half of us went ahead... the other half came a bit later)It took about a half hour to get in, and we were at the back entrance because that line was smaller! LOL On top of that, me and one of my friends had to pee really badly... we got in first (thank god!) and raced to the bathroom... then came back and waited for everyone else to get in. Then we got some drinks and just hung out. I danced and danced, and drank and danced! LOL it was so great!

Oh funny story!!! (from that night too!) It was near the end of the night, me and two of my girlfriends were dancing near the outside of the dancefloor. well while we were dancing these two guys started ogglin us, and they weren't too casual about it! LOL I wasn't sure if they were watching us... so i shimmied down to the floor and back up, watching the one (the more obvious one) out the corner of my eye. His gase followed me all the way down and back again! it was funny. i was going to play off that a bit since 1) that has never happened before ; and 2) I found it very amusing!, but we had to leave like right after that, so i wasn't able to... oh well always next time! ;)

Sunday was fun too, i spent it with one of my guy friends. We just drove around and took fall pictures with my camera! i went through three rolls of film... i would have used four but my camera wasted it by rewinding it before i could use it! doh! dah well! I got some amazing pictures of a huge flock of geese. I was able to get really close to them... since they were by the water bank at our local cat walk (a man made swimming beach), plus i had my long lense, so i could get really up close and personal shots... i think when i get them developed, i will put them on my interests page for my photo gallary that i will be creating! (as in as soon as i finsih writing this!) i have a few pictures that i will be putting up today once i get it created. so maybe after reading you can go check it out!

well anywho, my weekend was a blast! that's all for now. will be writing again soon no doubt. CHOW! ;)

October 9, 2002

Well i felt like writting something on here cause i am mega hyper and full of energy! hehe! i am in my kitty mode! i call it my kitty mode because i am curious like a kitten, i feel all cute and cuddily like one, and i am very playful! hehe can be fun thing! well for me anyways! haha

Right now i am talking to my friend Java Sucks (aka Donkey boy right now! haha) he is really funny! weird, but funny! hey donkey boy? you reading this? i bet you are! LOL hehe donkey donkey donkey! ok ok i stop i stop!

what to write, what to write? hmm... oh! i know! i am reading this really great book called "Wizard's first rule" by Terry Goodkind. it's really neat! i was reading a part today and found out who the "Great wizard" was. i had guessed a bit earier in my reading of the book who the wizard might be, and to my delight i was right! i won't say who it was or anything because if any of you who read this want to try reading it, i don't want to ruin it for you. so far it is a really great book. thank you Kathleena (hehe it's the persons handle right now) for recommending the book to me! really good!

Speaking of books, i am in the middle of writing of my own now. it's going well so far, maybe when i get some more of it done, i will post an exert from it on here for all to read. then you can comment on it for me by emailing me your thoughts. I won't tell you what it is about but i will perk your intests by telling you my name for it so far. (it may change in the future, but right now it seems to fit the story line perfectly)It is called "Eye Of The Beholder". I think that once i am about 1/2 way to 3/4 the way done it i will put up an exert on here. till then you will just have to wait and see. hehe i am so bad!

Well that is all for now, i am getting off to go read my COSMO mag. it has this really intesting article about different sex techniques. i think 85 of them... LOL i can't wait to read that... hehehe... i so bad! bad cheri, bad bad! hehe : P anywho, will write again later!

October 6, 2002

Well before I went to bed last night I was sitting in my room on my bed thinking. I was thinking about the disaster of September 11th and the corruption and mayhem it caused in it’s wake. It scares and disgusts me the way some people have reacted to the events of that day. Some, like myself feel a great sympathy for the families of the people who lost a loved one in the fall of the twin towers, be it in the planes that crashed into them and the pentagon, the people buried in the rubble left from the crashes, firefighters trapped by falling debris during the process of digging through the remains. I also hate that there are people in our world willing to sacrifice themselves and the lives of innocent bystanders to prove a point. I hate that religion has to power to us against one another in the fight to prove who is right and who is wrong. It was horrible what the Talaban and Bin Ladden did to the U.S, but what I find just as horrifying was the response of the American people as well as many world wide. The first response most of us had (and I do say most because I know that there are some people who disagreed as I did) was to bomb Bin Ladden and the country he was suppose to be in, to kill more innocent people in the hopes of getting Bin Ladden and satisfying their thirst for revenge. But does this not make us like him. By doing this do we not become just as bad as him? Bush called this ideal “War against Terrorism”, which is a total oxymoron in itself! You can’t have a war against terrorist in the manner that they wished to proceed without becoming terrorists to the innocent country they wished to reek havoc upon themselves! But they don’t see this, all they see is their glorious triumph over the supposed evil. But if they destroy the evil they see, in the process of doing so they will be blind to the evil that shall take hold of themselves. All Bush wants is to be remembered as a great man who took a stand against a great evil. But he doesn’t think about the lives which will be changed forever. I feel like crying just writing this. I’m losing hope in man kind more and more each day. I wonder sometimes if it is even worth it to go on. If you read some of my poems you would see what I mean. One in particular portrays my hopes for the future:

A Millennium Dream

An innocent child watches the night sky

Waiting for a chance to make a wish on a falling star.

She does not wish for money, toys, or materal things.

She wishes for beauty, of nature and of a bright future.

She wants to see the day when rain is pure,

Where trees grow all around for miles.

Water falls and rainbows are a daily sighting

And animals prosper with their human companions.

She wants equality and a world free of judgement

Where you can walk down the streets at night

Without fear.

A world full of love and peace.

She wants world peace and wars to end,

For she does not believe in violence,

What does that solve?

Then again she is just a little girl.

What do they know? (Written in 2000)

I hope that some day this will be a reality. I hope that someone will feel the same as I and fight to teach the next generation of our wrongs and what they should strive for: a world devoid of the horrors with which we live in. If you have any comments about this entry please use the link below and email your comments. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

October 3, 2002

Well this is my very first rants page entry! YEY FOR ME! I will be dating my entries kinda like a journal just so you know when i am writing them. When the page starts to fill up too much i will link to a new page... so don't worry i won't let this become the page that never ends! LOL Although that would be amusing! hehe : p

Today has had it's up's and downs! All my fish are now dead. So that kinda sucks ass! But oh well what's a girl to do? (maybe smash her fish tank? nah, paid too much money to do that! : p)

OH, on a happy note i participated in the 10th annual women's "Take Back The Night" It's this cool event that happens every year about this time. Each year a different city hosts the event (like for example, this year it was held in Renfrew Ontario). What happens is we all gather at the towns rec centre (all women!) and we grab our noise makers, our banners (with cool slogans and such on them) and our cool looking signs and parade down the streets at night shouting chants and singing songs. Then we return to the centre and we have food, mingle and mix with all the great women who came, and then we have a huge sing along! We dance, we laugh, we sing, and we just have a blast! I love it! It's so impowering. The whole reasoning behind the event is to bring awareness to people about the violence against women by men (yea, i know there is violence against women by women and against men by women and men by men, but that is all this event recognizes.). It's one night in the year where women can come together and walk the streets without fear or prejudice. We walk for freedom, we walk for racial equality, we walk for gay and lesbian rights, but most of all on "Take Back The Night" we walk just for that, to reclaim the night and make it safe for us and our children! Hehe yea i know i sounds so pro femme, but hey i'm pro everything... I don't just believe male and female are equal, i believe EVERYONE is equal, and should be giving a chance :)

Email: jade_216@hotmail.com