If I were God, and I decided to make a world and place creatures upon it, I expect that it would take a few tries to get it right. For example, I'd want to create a beautiful, graceful, intelligent creature to be my friend, my companion, my helper. It might occur to me that in order to be useful as an assistant in creating a world, this creature would need a certain amount of freedom of thought, the ability to make decisions. I might name this creature after the Light, hence Lucifer. Imagine the surprise when this creature deems my vision unworthy and goes AWOL. I would then review the plans for this creature, tone down the individualism, install prohibitive software that restricts the freedom of thoughts and actions, and add some sort of dead man switch that guarantees they won't desert me this time. And then there were Angels, and they were like puppets who did exactly as they were commanded. Not much fun, actually, if all the players do exactly what you tell them, and nothing else. Might as well play with dolls. So take three, try again, make a creature somewhere in between, not as talented or dependant, not as powerful. But slow down this time, run some tests, start with simple models and add to them. Start with a cell, and amoeba, a plant, observe how it reacts, and slowly instill changes to mold the creature you want. Several thousand years later we've evolved through trial and error from an amoeba to a human, Ta Daa!! But who's to say we are finished?

As a child I used the same methods of experimentation, creating things, growing them, changing them, inflicting hardships upon them to see how they reacted...but I had no master plan, and when I got bored I gave up and walked away. I have been told that we are modeled after God's own image... If so, I think he must have been called off to dinner some time ago. But many experiments continue to change long after the child has left, some force, some momentum continues to exert itself. So I do not believe in God, for whom wars were fought, people and animals were tortured, lands were pillaged and salted. Rather I choose to believe that there is perhaps another force out there that still tells the trees to grow, our cells to divide, our planet to spin, but I will not call it God. In my mind, God is just a word to which people ascribe their own inner meanings, then use as an excuse to act upon their darkest desires and fears. It's ok to kill your own child if God commands it? Bullshit, you're just sick and twisted.

The real test is to determine for yourself what standards you care to hold yourself to, and then DO IT!

I can't count how many people I've met who use God as an excuse... I sinned, I cheated of my wife, it will be ok after I go to confession and am absolved... God made me weak so he could show me mercy... Get real. You are a weak willed excuse for life who does not have the self control to decide on the decent course of action and follow through with it.

I have never read the Bible, only bits at a time. What I saw there were a bunch of mostly good ideas presented in a way designed to make people listen. Ultimately, I see a few people who sat down and thought of some basic rules that would improve the quality of life for all if only everyone would follow them. On the whole I think this was a genius idea. If only they had taken into account that humans are self centered and self serving by nature. The most decent people I've ever know are the ones who realized this, and decided to make a place in their lives where they could act out these feelings and instincts and then get back to being nice. Trying to override inner feelings is akin to starting an infection: rather than impacting the wound and letting it fester, grit your teeth, use the peroxide, and let it heal. If I have a problem with someone, I will address it. If the person is willing to listen, we usually realize that it was a misunderstanding and end up friends. In the rare cases where this has not worked for me, I have had to make the decision to let it go, not let it fester and turn into something that poisons my thoughts and actions with anger.

If someone does something nice for me, even if it is unintentional, I have made a decision in my life to notice these things and be appreciative of them. I'm a big believer in 'Pay it Forward'. Remembering that humans are by nature selfish, I know that helping others makes me feel good. I enjoy the feeling I get when I see someone smile, or when their pain is reduced. I do these things for people because I want to, not because someone told me to. The result is that I don't feel the urge to keep track of good deeds, I don't have to fill a quota set forth by another person to feel 'absolved', and I don't feel bad when I choose to do something else.

I never understood the point of '30 Hail Mary's': I guess some people can say this rhyme 30 times and feel cleansed by it, but to me if I feel I have offended myself to the point of needing redemption, reciting rhymes does not help. I have to go out and challenge myself, bring a smile to someone's face, make the world a better place. My theory for dealing with people incorporates concept from all over. It is impossible not to judge people. It is in our nature to formulate preconceived notions about people, situations and places,  and I do it all the time. With this in mind, when I find myself judging harshly in cases where I have no reason to, I make an effort to learn more about it and adjust my judgment to fit the reality, not the first impression. I have many dear friends who made a 'bad first impression', but when I got to know them turned out to be some of the coolest people ever.

Principles

Awareness- Every action has a reaction, which in turn causes a chain of reactions. It takes only a split second to think ahead just a little and foretell the outcome of your actions. I can't say I always think as much as I should, and sometimes the heat of the moment clouds my judgment, but on the whole I try to stop and think things through before acting or reacting to a situation.

Honesty- It's so much easier to keep the stories straight if you don't lie. By telling the truth I open myself to learn how to deal with the truth. The hard part is being honest with myself.

Compassion- Everyone messes up. It does not make them a bad person, and it does not make me a bad person. I try to act with compassion towards all forms of life (except stinging insects...I'm not a saint here ok?) in the hope that others will act towards me with compassion and forgive my shortcomings... I have many. Which is not to say that I never talk shit, but I try to establish that it's only a joke ahead of time. I talk a lot of shit, then brag about being all bark and no bite. Talking shit is an acceptable alternative to being shit in my book, it absolves me from having to act out my darker instincts.

Appreciation- There is no such thing as a free lunch. Someone had to do some work so that I might have the moments that are great to me. I rarely have the opportunity to thank those responsible, but I try to remember always that even the simple cup of coffee required someone to spend a hot uncomfortable day in a field with mosquitoes and getting paid less than me in my cushy job. Though I will most likely never meet those people, I can appreciate those around me who do good things, and maybe the sentiment will get passed along. It does not take much effort to tell someone they did a good job, and sometimes it makes all the difference. 

Integrity- I think it's too easy in our day to make empty commitments, so I try to stick to my word. This is sometimes quite difficult to achieve, and I have certainly learned not to commit myself when I have not the resources to follow through.

Generosity- True wealth is not measured by how much you can hoard away, but by how much you can afford to share. And I don't mean money here, people, because money comes and goes. True wealth is greater than gold, and is only defined through actions. Gandhi may have begged for his meals, but he was a king none the less.

Self Love-  I have never met someone capable of giving love freely who did not love themselves first. It's human nature to be self servant, get used to it. I believe that unless I can learn to love myself despite my own shortfalls, I cannot hope to give untainted love to another. The more I love myself the easier it becomes to love others and appreciate their unique qualities.

Balance- I don't want to be perfect. I like having weaknesses, it gives me room for improvement. Luckily I have a LOT of room for improvement. I go out of my way to indulge my weakness at times, because it keeps me motivated. I believe in balance because there is no light without shadows, and by testing myself I gain the ability to truly appreciate the perfect moments, even if they are very simple.  Sometimes I need to compromise on my physical health and eat the brownies for mental or emotional health reasons.

Perseverance (stubbornness)- Ok, I'm an Aries and by nature I tend to butt my head against a problem until it crumbles before my wrath. I make no excuses for this. Anything can be achieved if I stick with it. Any obstacle overcome, any project finished, any mountain moved. I believe I can do whatever I set my mind to, which is not to say I always finish what I started. Just that... Well essentially if you piss me off very badly you can expect to find me knocking at your door in 20 years with a teacup and a sardine can key. Ha Ha Ha. Those who don't get this should watch more Vin Diesel movies.

Childlike Fascination- I love the way children really look at things. Something as ordinary as a spoon can be fascinating for hours. I am determined not to let the little miracles of life pass unnoticed. I am determined that I will never be too old to enjoy the waves on my toes, the animals in clouds, crayons at restaurants, Legos, fun shoe laces, dancing wildly alone in the dark, and other such things. I cannot prove or disprove that we only have one life to live... I will make the most of it.

Death

I was in a coma for 8 days once, and I was resuscitated a few times, and like many I recall having very intense coma dreams. In my dreams I combined elements of my memories, from parts of my life, books I read, stories I heard, and things I daydreamed about. When I awoke I was left with a strong conviction that Life is no more than a collection of memories, and after we die we relive those memories in endless combinations until we thoroughly understand ourselves. I decided that I'd rather relive happy memories, things that made me smile, and not so much memories of pain or anger. With this in mind I do not deny my angry emotions, but I do try to  use that energy towards constructive goals rather than unpleasant revenges. I do not want to spend eternity reliving all the awful things I wanted to do to people who pissed me off. To this end I endeavor to collect pleasant memories, and a lot of them. I like to travel because I see things that make me think, and I see how much good is in this fucked up world after all. In the most unlikely places I have found people willing to go to great lengths to make me smile, and it warms my heart.

When I die, I want my last moments reviewing my life to reveal a collection of memories I am proud of, I want to be able to tell myself in all honesty... "Mine was a good life, and worth living."

Love

My Mother used to tell me to love unconditionally when I was young. I did not understand what that meant at the time, I'm not sure that I understand it now. I know that forgiveness is in fact easy if I reconcile myself to let go of anger and hatred. I am tested repeatedly each day, presented with opportunities to hold a grudge, and the more I choose to let it go, the easier it gets. I don't recall when I made the decision to let things go, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it started when I was very angry at something and helpless to change the situation. The anger was so blinding that I could not function, and I had to let it go in order to get anything done at all. I was pleasantly surprised to find out later that the person I was mad at got their comeuppance all on their own, and I did not have to sully myself with petty revenge. I might add that the person in question set themselves up to take a punishment perfectly suited to the offense they had caused me. I could never have come close with devised revenge. I guess that's when I started believing in karma.

At some point I saw how it works both ways. You reap what you sow. I cannot say that I love all people, or people as a whole, although I find them vastly entertaining. There are a few people that I go out of my way to forgive, and I found that by forgiving them even when I am in the 'right' to hold a grudge, I am in turn more easily forgiven when I mess up.

I do not use the word "Love" lightly, but neither do I shirk from using it if it applies. I love many people, and I tell them so. Sometimes people are uneasy about this, they wonder if I am implying sexual overtones. I am not, usually. To me, Love is an emotion, sex is an act, they go well together but not always. It makes me very sad that some people cannot differentiate between the two, and assume that  love is sex. I believe that love should be a precursor to sex, but that love itself can be just that, without sex, without drama. I am fortunate enough to have friends whom I love with all my heart, whom I would do anything for, and to whom I am not at all physically attracted to.

I don't understand how society has become so afraid of physical contact. There are studies showing that infants who were denied physical contact have actually died because of it. I cannot imagine a worse death. As a massage therapist I have studied the effects of touch on the human body and psyche, and I believe it is possibly the most effective tool we have to heal each other. Why should we have to suffer all day in loneliness for want of a hug or even a handshake? I insist on being affectionate with my friends. I want hugs, the more the better. I want my friends to put their arm around my shoulders, hold my hand, sit close to me. I don't know how to act around people who shy away from touch, and I find them very hard to trust. I want to feel comfortable touching others, whether it's a pat on the back or a shoulder rub. I mean come on people, I'm not asking you to marry me and pop out 40 kids! I just want to make your day a little better.

Relationships

Sorry, I'm not going to write a manual on how to date me. I will share a few dating concepts that I like: Dating is essentially practice for later commitments. It is impossible to maintain a healthy relationship that is not based in friendship, love, respect, trust, goodwill, and patience. Just because we discover that we are not right for each other as life partners does not negate the fact that we were friends first, and should remain so after. I am still good friends with most of my X's, get used to it. There will be disagreements, we all know this, no need to yell about it. If you hit me, steal from me, lie to me, or cheat on me, it's OVER. The most attractive thing about a person is their personality.