8/4/02 8:29 PM

Don’t quite know what to write about. Lamenting depression of sorts has been pressing upon me for days. Somewhat serious thoughts about razors and their so-called emancipating effects have crept into me mind more than I'd like, but actually acting on these impulses would give me no solace at all, because then I would be both weak and a hypocrite, resulting in self-disappointment in my character. I don't know if it’s the book (1984) which I have just finished or my recent discovery and development of a liking to metal, or the ironic fact that maybe I did steal last summer from you. Maybe it’s not true depression at all, but the loathed feeling of surrealism in my waking life, or mere boredom at best. Maybe the past and present problems of my life are coming to a culmination; this time, in a sense, should be my time for metamorphosis, but I still feel like I am being suffocated not only by my past, but by my future, and the rules of conformity that are to be laid heavily upon me. But throughout all this, I feel alienated as well, because a sense of demoralization would occur had I told anyone, because I am always considered to be so “strong...” and wanting to indulge in a behavior as frivolous and mutilating act as that would, I guess, lower the opinions of my friends about who I was as a person. Also, I would be a hypocrite in my own making, which would disappoint me even further. A much-described feeling of being dead has come over me, which is strange because I never would have pegged myself for ever being one of “those” girls. Still, I think that a part of this must be a natural response from my brain, a sort of vacation from happiness. Almost as if by being sad or dark or whatever I am now, I will change and settle on some middle ground. Truth be told, the in-dead feeling has been in affect all the while I have been writing this, but it gives me an almost removed and more logical approach to all this. Which actually remind me of when D. complimented me for being “intellectual” (not his exact words, but close) and how talking to him on the phone for five (yes, five) hours a couple of days ago, I felt alive in the almost-true meaning of the word. It’s so hard to explain what I am feeling right now, because even I am unsure. If i incorporated the euphemism for reality in 1984: “...Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else...” then I suppose I could alter my reality to entail whatever I wanted and accommodate my ever-changing psyche, making it less bleak, of course. This raises some interesting ideas... maybe more on that later. Now I am looking forward to A.T.’s arrival (and A.W.'s too, but there’s some confusion on that), D.’s barbeque (side not: HOT BBQ!!!), skating (ice and boarding), and believe it or not, school. Well, there seems to be nor more room for an appropriate ending to this uplifting saga, so stay tuned, kids....

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