(Harrisonburg, VA) Today I woke up and nothing happened. Nothing remotely interesting happened in my life, so in order to take any type of pressure off of me, I am going to bitch about girls. I have not been smote by a girl recently, in fact, my relationship is well. I just feel a need to talk about girls.
I constantly hear girls of all races, creeds, and even genders say something like, “It sucks to be a girl.” WHAT?!?! Trust me it does not. Let’s take a few looks at girls’ complaints.
Reason #1: Aunt Flow
It’s that one time a month when girls’ prove that their mechanics work. So what’s the big deal? I don’t know. Apparently it hurts and you get chubby (or it just seems that way) for a week. So? I hurt that time when…well…I don’t know, but I didn’t hear about Jesus crying on the Cross. While consulting one female I learned that it sucks when, “…you want to eat all the chocolate in the vending machines.” Yeah, so do I…it’s called hunger. Sorry no sympathy here.
Reason #2: I’m fat…
Oh god! I’m glad I rarely get this from my girlfriend. Girls, you’re not fat…unless you’re 2 of the 3 girls that constantly come over to my apartment. That’s all I really need to say about that. If you think you’re fat and you have a boyfriend, you obviously aren’t that fat. And if you are in excess of 50% body fat, like the elephants that like to graze through the living room, don’t talk to me about diets or walking. You know what that tells me? You like to complain about being fat, but you won’t do anything that will fix it…you stupid bitch. After all, talking only burns so many calories, and maybe you shouldn’t have hamburger-flavored cheesecake injected directly to your bloodstream for breakfast.
One final thing on this topic: If you are one of the land manatees that when you sit down I feel sorry for the couch, chair, or whatever, you seem to think that when you’re over here, you should eat a salad. Who are you fooling? A, one, singular salad won’t change anything.
Reason #3: “It sucks when you walk past a group of guys and they stare at you like you are naked....”
Isn’t that a good thing? If I walked passed a group of girls and they started staring at me, I’d feel pretty good about myself. Maybe I’m over thinking this, but if I were a girl, I would want attention. You know why guys do that? BECAUSE THEY WISH YOU WERE NAKED! Unless, that is, you are one of the 2 “girls” previously mentioned. I would rather have my eyes poked out and force fed to me rather than see these heifers naked. One time I went to Wal-mart with one of these girls and my roommate; she decided to wear a spaghetti strap shirt. I almost vomited several times and quickly disassociated myself from them while in Wal-Mart. But I digress. For my money, there is nothing better than a nice naked woman. Mmmm…boobies.
I think that’s all I’m really going to go over tonight. I would like to thank the female who consulted with me and hope that she can get a good laugh out of this. And as for Thing 1 and Thing 2…three more weeks and I don’t have to be nice to them or talk to them or acknowledge that they’re alive.
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