Basically, I have a lot of friends who are rampant losers. And by friends, I mean they’re human beings who I despise because I know they talk about me behind my back and are a rowdy lot of rampant nut sack sucking mother fucks, but hang out with because I get bored on the weekends. I also have a lot of female companions, and by female companions I mean heartless bitches who hang out with me because they know I’ll give them compliments to inflate their egoist bitch fathead and I’ll listen while they complain about their asshole jock boyfriends while in exchange I get an updated picture of them I can beat off to and an accurate description of what their voice sounds like so I can picture them screaming when they orgasm in my head. Although it seems like I’ve said too much, think about it: it’s true. Do you actually like your friends? I mean, I’ve clearly said in the past that your friends suck, and have supplied solid and concise evidence in proving so. You’re just not smart enough to apply this logic to women, so I’ll have to do it for you, you goddamn toddlers. By the way, if you’re a woman, you MAY want to skip the next bit of content.
Think about it, picture a woman you hang out with a lot who you don’t get play from. If they’re ugly, it’s because you’re ugly. There is significant scientific evidence in the field of psychology that leads to the belief that people tend to become friends who are the same level of attraction you are. So if you’re friends are fucking ugly, it means you are to, no matter what you may want to believe. I mean, I’m not attached to worldly feels such as pleasure and happiness, because I’m God to you people, and Gampa, King of the Internet, is God to me. The smartest thing anyone has ever said to me was when my brother stated, “You can say all this and that about love and all that shit, but at the end of the day, girls just want to get humped and guys just want to do some humpin’.” It’s completely right. Just that women are broken. I mean, there’s all this shit coming out of serious bitches like Alanis Morrisette and Janeane Garofalo about how men don’t know how to please women. What he fuck, bitch? Men have an appendage that gets hard when they’re aroused and feel a need to ram it into warm little holes. That’s it. Women are the one’s that fail to orgasm, not men. Men are fine; they’re perfectly normal and ready to reproduce. That’s also nature’s way of saying, “Bitch, stop fucking around and get back in the kitchen and make some babies, cake, and baby-cake.”
You wouldn’t believe some of the people I’ve met in my life. Some people actually believe that it’s not okay to eat babies. Wait a minute, what? What’s wrong with eating babies? You eat lambs all the time, but lambs are children of sheep! TATS EATING BABIES OMG WTF R U DUING YOU GDAMND NOoBLAR WTF OMFG!!! No, it’s okay to eat babies. It happens in nature. Muskellunges eat their own children all the time. Shit happens in nature that we claim is “natural” that when it happens among humans is morally wrong. Like violence, rape, murder, domestic violence, kung fu fighting, gunfights, R-rated movies, pornography, videogames, anal sex, domestic violence, and truncheons. They’re completely natural and should happen anywhere and everywhere. No questions asked.
Basically this entire rant ensued from one thing: my loser friends. Now, my friends aren’t extremely fucking losers, but trust me, they’re all losers. But at least they’re assholes to your face, not like people who are fuckers behind your back, like all of YOUR friends. Yeah, you had better go fuck them up real nice. Anyway, I’m just saying that while my friends are hopeless losers, they aren’t “I post on forums everyday” or “I have a cool internet nickname like ‘Rebel Nugget’” losers (well, two of them are, obviously that’s what inspired these comments. That’s right, you fuckers, take that). Because those are the type of people that ask questions like, “If you could be a super hero, who would you be?” What a dumb fucking question. Let’s look at the potential candidates aside from all the fucking lame ass super heroes like the Fantastic Four who only serve the purpose of making Dr. Doom look fucking cool. I will consider four super heroes, then give you the correct answer. Let us begin.
First we have the Incredible Hulk. He’s big, green, and smashes shit. So his power is smashing shit. Wow, what a fucking winner. While Stan Lee was making more worthy super heroes like Spider Man, who uses his brain to defeat his enemies as well as his physical strength, he also made the Hulk who got mad and beat shit with his titanic wrecking balls I’m told he likes to call fists until the problem was solved. Fucking great. Let’s teach our kids to break other people’s possessions and have uncontrollable rage whenever they have a slight problem. And people wonder why so many kids have ADD. I fucking hate all kids with ADD. Why? Because no one has ever had ADD in the history of mankind with the exception of Albert Einstein. I say this because he claimed he had it, and Albert Einstein also claimed the atomic bomb, and that blew up two fucking cities instantly and now is the basis of modern day warfare in every single weapon, including putting them in condoms and making little Colombian children swallow them and then making them run into military bases. Everyone who claims to have ADD should fucking be eaten by a mouth made of elephant and goat cum and large black cocks fashion especially for anal sex for teeth. ADD just doesn’t exist. That’s when people say, “Did you know that ADD is often over diagnosed?” No shit, dumbass. Today, if you don’t have ADD then you’ve got some other made up disease, like AIDS. AIDS isn’t real, that’s just the conspiracy government used to kill King. PEACE. AIDS is the only reason I have to give my tax dollars up to Africa. Yeah, sure all of those kids have “AIDS.” AIDS is about as real as the buried weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And cancer. What the fuck is up with cancer? People say that cigarettes cause cancer. If cancer is caused by cell overgrowth, why don’t I have cancer? I have calluses on my feet, and I didn’t ask for them. That’s not under my control, and what does that mean? That means that I have “cancer.” OMG IM GUNNA DIES BIG TIME OH FOCK OH SHT OMFG. You know why people die of smoking cigarettes? It’s because they say they don’t taste like shit, and after years of lying to everyone, their conscience releases their stomach acid into their bloodstream, melting their black, hideous heart. Why aren’t we spending my tax dollars on a project to turn my eyeballs into phalanx guns, so whoever I look at is turned into blood-dust. Or Mega Man. Mega Man has fucked over Dr. Wily so many times, and in recent polls, scientists say that Dr. Wily is at least 230% more evil and 549% more genius than Osama Bin Laden. If Mega Man has beaten Dr. Wily like 7 times or something, I’m sure he can handle Bin Laden a whopping once.
Anyway, lets move on to our next contestant, I already talked about him, Spider Man. Spider Man is so almost cool, I’m almost ashamed to bash him. Actually, I wouldn’t if it weren’t for Toby Maguire. That’s right, you fucker. You ruined a super hero who was actually cool. You ruined a villain, who was known for the maniacal slaughter of Peter Parker’s first girlfriend Gwen Stacy, the Green Goblin by turning him into a Power Ranger. And I’m not talking about the Green Ranger who kicked the living jack rabbit shit out of all the Power Rangers and their Megazord with his mighty Green Dragon Zord and had a ponytail and was awesome until that whole White Ranger bullshit with the Tiger Zord or whatever, how fucking dumb. I’m talking about the 83 new Power Rangers shows like Lost in Space, Lost in Time, The New Class, Rug Cutter Region, Ninjas, Cyborg, Cyborg Banana Hyper Ninja Dancer Rangers: all that shit on the Fox Box. Man, there was Venom, Carnage, and the Green Goblin. Those were the only cool villains in Spider Man and they ruined one of them. I’m sure they’ll be more than one sequel, in which Venom is going to become like a real black widow, like how they bite your sack and you turn blue and die and Carnage will be like a good guy who just runs around having sex with Mickey Mouse and playing lame ass games like Go Fish and Uno with Quatre from Gundam Wing or looking at that stupid picture of dogs playing poker. What a lame ass fucking gay goddamn cock sucking ass ramming stupid picture. Dogs can’t fucking play poker, they have the brain capacity to let me kick them in the face and drop sulfuric acid into their eyeballs. People only like that dumbass picture because of the same reason everyone likes Gone With the Wind, Frank Sinatra, and the Beatles: because they’re told to. Which is to say nothing of Donald Duck, who is without a doubt the fucking only cool Disney character. What a bunch of fucking bullshit. On I go, because I hate my life and yours even more.
Number three rings in at Iron Man. Iron Man is fucking awesome. I mean, he’s like Batman, except instead of owning a bunch of corporations (titled Wayne Corp, because no one knows what the fuck he does) and learning kung-fu and having a lame ass butler, Iron Man just has a big gun. A really, really big gun. I mean, in that X-Men vs. Marvel Arcade game (which is totally fucking boss), there were only two good characters. Iron Man, and Iron Man selection B that had different color of suit. While Spider Man was swining around flapping his spider dick all over the place and the Hulk was taking up the entire fucking screen so he was impossible to miss unless your name is the three blind mice on opium, Iron Man would just do an easy button combination, have this giant fucking gun drop into his hands, and blow the shit out of the universe. Again, and again, and again. It was the second best arcade game move to do, second only to Scorpion’s, “Get over here!” from Mortal Kombat, because hearing that phrase over and over again coupled with shitty 3-D blood was just great, same with making the mighty four-armed Goro wear the ass hat. But Black Sabbath made a song called “Iron Man,” which sucks immense amount of balls, and ruined Iron Man. That’s right, they fucking ruined the only cool superhero just by having their shitty lead singer backed up by poorly played guitars sing a stupid fucking song that makes everyone think Iron Man is a fuck up. They also ruined Scorpion by giving him swords or some gay ass shit like that in that new piece of shit 3-D fighter. The only thing that could save Iron Man now, is Scorpion in an Iron Man suit firing his “Get over here!” move through Iron Man’s cannon at the Beatles. But I can only dream.
Next up on the list of shitty super heroes. Redundant, no? Actually, yes. Fuck you, you goddamn frogs. Leave our language alone. We kick everyone out of the U.S. who speaks French into Canada, because Canada sucks. It’s like how the British put all of their convicts in Austraila, only opposite because Austrailia is cool and Britain sucks. The last superhero is one who I hate more than any other. I hate him because he is successful, while the character and entire plot is completely ripped off of Norse Mythology. That’s right, Thor. If you’re thinking, “What about the Green Lantern?” A) Green Lantern sucks because he can make anything with his ring, but chooses to make really shitty stuff like a brick wall instead of the moon and dropping it on the enemy and B) what fucking mythology are you talking about? Christian Mythology? I wouldn’t be surprised; the Bible has some dumbass shit in it. Like Eve eating the apple. Sure, you’re in paradise and you’d do the one thing you’re not supposed to. That’s God’s fault. He knew it was going to happen, so why was he so pissed off when it DID happened? God’s a hypocrite, that’s why. He “loves” us, but he made the world a horrible place. Are you happy? I mean, really? No, you hate your life. Now throw yourself into the nearest semi-truck and get the fuck off my website, you bastard. Anyway, Thor’s power consist of throwing a hammer at people, and being a God. Wow. How can you lose if you’re a God? The answer is you can’t. Basically, no one ever beats Thor. To top it off, his only enemy is Loki the trickster. All he can do is trick Thor into a moderately unfavorable situation for a mortal, and then puss out because he sucks. This is a typical journey in the land of Thor:
Thor: Aye, I be Thor!
Loki: Tee hee! I have poisoned his drink!
Thor: Ack! My drink hath been fouled! I am dead!
Loki: Let the tale about the successful one be me!
Thor: Oh, wait. I’m a fucking God. KA-FUCKING BAM!
Loki: Aiee!
The other reason I hate Thor so, so god damn much is because they made a parody of him in the piece of shit movie “Adventures of Babysitting,” where the bitch’s car fucks up and this little whore who likes Thor meets him at a dumbass mechanic and gets him to fix their car because he’s her hero! And she lets him cum all over her young, boyish face in the most pedophilic of ways. I couldn’t find a screenshot of this “Thor”, I found one site that had pictures from the movie, but it was a pay site. As if I’d pay to fucking look at screenshots from shitty Disney movies. Like, really shitty. As in, if I were sick I wouldn’t watch it. Now, when I’m sick I watch a lot of bad movies. I fucking watched “Like Mike,” okay? That’s one bad fucking movie if I won’t watch it. So I represented the scene in paint, because paint rules. Now for the finale! Who is the best superhero of all time!?
The answer: none of them, you jackasses. Ha, fuck you, assholes. The real answer to, “If you could be a super hero, who would you be?” is obvious: Superman. Why? Because he’s fucking Superman, you idiots. He has every power that everyone else has. He’s stronger than the Hulk, Thor, Spider Man, Iron Man, and can outmatch all of their powers about 20,000 to –6. Alright? If Superman was a test question, he’s be E) for All of the Above. He’s the goddamn best thing in the Universe. This is why I hate and rue the world. Oh well, fuck all of you bastards at roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins