There are some things in life that everyone knows are true but no one will ever talk about them. Almost always, an example of this is your friends. Everyone knows about their best friend in as much detail as Columbus knew about slicing people’s throats open and pulling their tongues down through the windpipe to make a Colombian Necktie. Of course, when someone knows about their friends in that extreme of detail, they know the worst parts of their friends. This being stated, no one on the entire planet can refute the statement “everybody everywhere hates all of their friends.” Let’s all be adults and accept that it’s completely true. Have you ever been mildly annoyed by your best friend? Of course, but it would considered preposterous to just loathe their being. That’s before you really think about it. If someone annoys you other than your best friend, the most efficient and logical course of action is to stick electrodes in their eyeballs and melt their brain. Why don’t you want to do this to your best friend? I did some research to find out why, and I found the shocking truth.
You see, when you are a child, you’re a fucking idiot. From the moment you are born, you’re stupid and there isn’t jack shit you or anybody else can do about it. This is because your brain is so small inside that putty skull that it causes you to be a fucking goddamn moron. With the exception of Brainiac, (pictured above, who could do integral calculus inside the womb and was born holding a proof on how to fire comets out your asshole) all children are born legally retarded. Think I’m wrong? Well, fuck you buddy, cause check out Dictionary.com for the definition of idiot. What’s that second one say? Oh yeah, it says a person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. . Yeah, that’s right motherfucker, it says, “having a mental age below three years.” How old are you when you’re born? Zero, ass-clown. Zero. That’s below three, which I assume I have to tell you because you’re a worthless human being. That means all children are legally retarded until they become a toddler, at least. My second point, aside from the definition is fucking look at babies.
Good, now look at the fucking tard.
Big difference? No. Not a fucking lick of difference. Next part, “generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers.” Next question, can children speak when they’re born? No, they can’t. They just scream like you just put a railroad spike through their nut sack. That’s why you have to slap them. For some reason, beating your kids isn’t okay after the first five minutes they’re born, so you had better beat it out of your system. And the finale, can children guard against common dangers? I answer this question with another question: do children drown themselves in swimming pools? Is it necessary to reinforce your home from alligators in Florida? Do you need to tell children to not stick metal objects into electric outlets? The answer to all of these is yes, and the reason is children are fucking retarded. A swimming pool was, and always has been, either a display or a place of leisure. That’d be like going to a movie and your stomach explodes because of the gummi bears. And getting eaten by an alligator? Don’t make me laugh, kid. It’s not like fighting a great white shark, or some real animal killing machine, like a hippo. Oh, you’re laughing. Do some fucking research on hippos, you bastards. You think of a hippo like this:
Which is all fun and good if you want to be faggotier than the kid from Captain Planet with the power of heart, but this is what hippos are really like:
Oh yeah, destruction reins. Come on, alligators aren’t hard to outsmart. They can’t run for shit, their legs are about as big as Gary Coleman’s penis. They can open their mouth about to the size required to fist someone’s asshole, so how the hell are they supposed to bite you? And I’ve shit beavers smarter than alligators. Seriously. And, although no one sends me e-mails about my site anyway, don’t send me shit like, “I have a sibling/cousin/friend/deranged monkey who is retarded and I find that offensive.” I really, really, really, really, really hate shit like that. I mean it, I really do. Just because you know someone who’s retarded doesn’t make them any less retarded. It’s not like your magical friendship power can make them not shit themselves for fun.
That aside, it’s time I got to my previous point: your friends fucking suck, so why don’t you pick up a new best friend? “Where am I supposed to get a best friend?” Well that’s your fucking problem asshole, but I am here to assist you because I am smarter than you are. I am going to give you the Top Five Best Friends Forever Count Down. So after you’re done reading this you toss your best friend’s pet into the fucking wood chipper, because you’ll have a brand new amigo to toss shit into wood chippers with. So, without further adieu, here’s number five!
Ah, yes. The number one secret agent out there, Solid Snake. He’s genetically superior to bitches that try to up and ruin your shit. Solid Snake can sneak past any security device, no matter how advanced. He has defeated a cyborg ninja in hand to hand combat, a tank with only grenades, a helicopter while in subzero temperatures, and a giant fucking robot that’s invulnerable to nuclear missiles. Below is a picture that includes all of these.
Wow. After looking at that, it’s pretty fucking amazing. Now if he can sneak into a military base designed to keep Solid Snake out of it, he can easily sneak into Arby’s and steal you a sandwich. Or Sam Goody and steal some CDs or something. He’s always busily stealing for your entertainment 24/7. Your best friend probably won’t steal you a second free sample, much less defeat a Metal Gear robot. Solid Snake makes your best friend suck, because he does. Period.
The world would be better if there were more ninjas around, no one is here to argue that. But I’m here to represent the original ninja, THE Ninja, THE Gaiden, THE Ninja Gaiden. And while the eternal debate continues (is it pronounced GAY-den, or GUY-den. I think you’re a complete asswhore who only says GAY-den to produce and consume the lovely-bittersweet anal juice by saying gay, although I think it is POSSIBLE, no matter how improbable. Plus GUY-den just sounds so much cooler), Ninja Gaiden quite frankly kicks ass. He can use multiple jutsus, including throw a grid of fireballs, hold out a sword while doing a somersault, or throw a giant Frisbee-like ninja star that consumes all of his ninja power just to go half a fucking atom before coming back to you. He also is the star of three explosive action hits: Ninja Gaiden, II, and III.
With this picture of one of his greatest adventures ever, there is little doubt that Ninja Gaiden wouldn’t make a superior best friend. Mythical Chinese dragons aren’t going to fuck with you when Ninja Gaiden is around, which is a real problem for me. Not even if they have the Chinese Wind Orb of Thunder, as this dragon behind Gaiden here has. While there is a new Ninja Gaiden game coming out for X-Box, they might ruin it, so I am only referring to the Ninja Gaiden from Nintendo that we all (at least all the important people, like me) know and love. He supposedly has a name or something stupid like that, but we all know his first name is Ninja, his middle name is Sexy-Bitch, and his last name is Gaiden.
I have only cried once in a movie, since everyone is allowed to do it once before phasers target the nuts and are set to “fucking ow.” And that was at the end of the riveting, brilliant, and emotional film, Milo and Otis. Hands down, this is the BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. It has action when Otis chases Milo in the box down stream. Hilarious comedy such as when Otis falls over when singing “Here Comes the Dog.” Hard-hitting emotional scenes such as when Milo is at the horrible desert lands and can’t find food, while the poor kitty is getting his paws hurt on the hot sand. And at the end, when Milo and Otis take their families back to the farm after their hard ordeal, I shed a single silver tear, which is worth more than all of Jupiter’s moons after being touched by King Midas and turned to gold. The sorrow that eminated from my body was enough to cause everyone on earth to cry so much their body’s would turn into tears and turn the world into the Mythical Aquatic World of Salt.
But that’s not the point. The only time when I have become even relatively close to being that sad (and by relatively, I mean saying the crazy hobo that thinks he’s a car that lives in my town has relatively less money than Bill Gates) was in the Transformers Movies when Optimus Prime died. Optimus Prime is the shit. He’s been a monkey, a car-bot, and god knows what else. Back in the day, before Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers were around, there was only Thundercats to keep my brain active for enough time before I fell into a coma. But Optimus Prime saved me. Optimus Prime the greatest hero/robot truck of all eternity. He can give you rides anywhere you want, he’s about forty feet tall, and carries a gun that could blow a hole through the moon. He also would be so friendly to anyone anywhere. I mean, he’s friends with all the shitty Transformers, like Bumblebee. But he’s a great guy all the same, even though everyone knows he’s the only Transformer who ever does any of the work. He also fights Megatron on a regular basis, and when you think about it, takes a lot of fucking balls since he’s only a semi-truck and Megatron is goddamn tank. All in all, Optimus Prime is a great hero and someone who I am proud to call third in the best friend race.
You might be thinking, “But Grimace hangs out with Ronald McDonald!” You’re about as wrong as President Bush’s idea that Muslim cities like to be invaded by infidels. Grimace LETS Ronald McDonald hang out with him because Grimace feels sorry that not everyone can be as cool as he is. “But the color purple normally represents homosexuals!” Wrong again. Grimace’s Brother, Penance, is actually gay. He didn’t want the world to hate his brother alone, so Grimace used the power over newspapers and fashion resources to the say that the color purple meant gay. That way, people wouldn’t recognize Penance as a gay guy, but people would think how great they are because they assumed Grimace was gay, even though all his lady friends knows his little (or should I say “HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SNAKE WITH ONE GAPING EYE OF PLEASURE” big) secret. And wasn’t the color of royalty purple centuries ago? Who do you think started that? Obviously Grimace, because he’s fucking awesome. “But he’s always acting so stupid!” Grimace acts stupid so no one knows that he’s memorized the stock market’s pattern like in that fucking weird movie Pi. That guy’s computer wasn’t just a computer: it was Grimace using his Transformation Magic. Now that you all know how unbelievably amazing Grimace is, I think I can show you the best friend of all time.
Mario kicks ass. We all know this, because it is an undisputed fact. Mario has saved the Princess Toadstool an unbelievable amount of times, defeated the giant dinosaur Bowser another unbelievable amount of times, is a master driver in go-karts, has kicked ass in side scrolling, 3D, and RPG format, and has actually defeated an evil menace WHILE ON VACTION. He’s done this all while being a small Italian mustachioed plumber with a cute little pot belly. Yet, he can jump at least five times any normal humans capacity, can double his size by eating fungus, can dress up like a raccoon and fly, and has the muscle power to knock enemies twenty feet with a punch while standing still. Mario also has made Toadstool his bitch, so he basically runs his own kingdom. In short, Mario has his own country, has far surpassed Bruce Lee in fighting techniques, and can do anything he wants no matter what the situation. Mario is a great human being who has accomplished everything. He’s the greatest human being on the entire earth, mentally and physically. He also says witty catch phrases like “HERE WE GO!” everywhere he travels. Basically, if you were best friends with Mario, you’d have a limitless power threshold at your disposal. The Universe would be undeniably yours, after you saved some princess and kicked some dino-ass.
Well, that’s it for the best friend countdown. It is completely right and anyone who disagrees is a bad person and is going to hell. I suppose that’s it for this session of King of the Internet. Sorry for the lack of time since a new article, but I have school so you can go fuck yourself. Make your own website and update it everyday with articles this long and witty. Can’t do it? No, because it’s impossible. Yeah, e-mail me at roxorboxors@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins