Ok, Iīm not going to talk about the movie, Iīm going OLD SCHOOL, Iīm going to talk about the original 1980īs TV show and the Transformers mythos. Yeah, you know what Iīm talking about. Anybody who was raised by bullshit, asshole, self-indulgent, baby-boomer parents probably views Optimus Prime as more of a father figure than whatever ball-scratching, draft-dodging, Bob Dylan listeningtoing asshole that occupied the space of their childhood home. I know that I for one used to come scurrying in from the abuse and oppression of the big yellow bus only to plop down for one contented half hour a day to sit joyously and listen to that screaming electro guitar intro...autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of....the decepticons.

"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."--Typical Prime Quote, Megatronīs motto was "Peace through Tyranny" much better.

Itīs all still awesome.

And we could always rely on Optimus Prime to give us a big shining example of what to do in life. But now, in our adulthood, perhaps we should sit and analyze the message Optimus was telling us.

For example, a typical transformers situation:

Random Autobot sidekick (whatever one they wanted to sell that week): "Optimus, look, Megatron is standing over there with the entire hoarde of Decepticons."

Optimus Prime: "Finally, a chance to end this conflict and save humanity forever."

RAS: "Whoops, looks like they took Spike hostage...again!"

Optimus Prime (gravely voice, filled with wisdom): "No, a human must not be hurt, so even though we could kill all the decepticons and end this war forever while only incurring one human casualty, we must not."

RAS: "But Prime..."

OP: "No...now I must ride to my death, but Spike must be saved."

RAS: "And if you get killed? Who's going to protect the humans then?"

But Optimus Prime never stuck around to answer questions like that. Weird shit. You know, I guess it all came from the fact that the whole Transformers show and mythology was just a pre-packaged marketing scheme to sell toys. They needed a reason to introduce new characters all the time (autobots destroyed by Primeīs weird altruism) and they needed a hero all the fundamentalist groups would have nothing to complain about. Prime did that, but he was weirdly better than any other Saturday morning hero (probably because he played during the week). I mean, Papa Smurf never had to deal with the shit that Prime shouldered.

Primeīs like a casualty of some shitty corporations advertising department. He can never fucking succeed in his stupid war with the Decepticons because his hands are tied by an idiotic strain of morality. Whatīs the point in handicaping yourself like that? Whatīs gained? It only makes sense in terms of Hasbro's sales.

Yet, there were all of us, five to ten years old, innocent and impressionable, watching many noble impulses smeared around all for the sake of commerce, and it changed us, gave us a fucked up world view. The only thing we know now is that Optimus Prime is a tragic figure, not because of anything that ever happens in stories in which he takes part, but because he represents the cliff notes of all great philosophies stuck in a stupid scenario in which they all become worthless.

This is post-modernism at its worst, played out in technocolor glory by battling robots.

Awesome...long live Prime.

Oh, and for the record, I knew a live-action movie about the transformers would be money. I wrote a book about 4 or 5 years ago where I was going to have Optimus Prime as one of the characters, but then I thought I might get into legal problems so I changed his name to Pinnacle Supreme and made him the leader of the Defendorbots. Itīs posted on this page somewhere, "Roland."

Chau....