The other day I made the mistake of walking next to a newsstand where I saw an irritating copy of "People" magazine with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on it. Or should I say "TomKat" because that's so cool? Like "Bennifer" or "Bradjelina?" Ohhhh, aren't we all getting shivers and shakes about these goddamned celebrities and who they're fucking. Yeah, god forbid a pretentious piece of shit magazine like "People" would use the recognition provided by its cover to showcase some person of any actual merit. Like the leading fucking researcher in the world on Cancer or Aids or some damn thing. People who dedicate their time and lives to a noble cause that serves all of humanity. No, better to put some airhead ditsy celebrities on the cover who don't matter two halves of a fuck in this world, and who have never done a goddamned thing for anybody other than themselves.

Tom and Katie were staring out with the typical glossy-eyed expression all brain-dead celebrities have. They had that "Oh, we're the prom king and queen of the woooorrrllld, isn't it faaaaanaaaasttiiiicccccc!" look on their face that only people like them get. News flash, at some point in time, most people grow out of such idiotic adolescent states of mind.

I'd have liked to see the expression on their face if somebody threw a bucket of diarrhea at them. I mean, just imagine the change. They'd go from this totally self-absorbed, irritating, pompous, egotistical expression, to something like pure, uncontrolled rage. You can always tell a person's true character when they get violently disrespected like that, and, let's face it, there's nothing more disrespectful than throwing a bucket full of diarrhea at somebody's face. But the reality is that most people would probably have a sort of sad reaction. A reaction of self-loathing in response to the fact that that some outside observer, any outside observer, would want to do such a thing to them. It would cause them to reflect upon themselves, and play up to their inner insecurities that most people have and which make them human. That just wouldn't be the case with "TomKat," those two are so absolutely convinced of their own superiority that even a split second of self-reflection would be impossible. That's the kind of crap I hate....Just go look at that "People" cover, it's all right there, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Another thing about this whole idiotic fascination with celebrity hook-ups is that nobody asks any of the real questions. I mean, it'd be worth buying the magazine if it had a detailed article about how Tom likes to tie Katie up and ass fuck her, and then whip her with a line of sausage links while masturbating to a George Michael video. I mean, shit, that'd make the whole thing news worthy. He then likes to rub dog excrement on her back, mix it with honey, and lick it off. If they had in depth reporting like that it would completely justify using "People" magazine as a forum.

But no, it's this big dick tease deal. Tom and Katie walking through the park, holding hands. They like to buy food for starving children. Aren't they wonderful souls? Aren't they great people?

Christ!

Tom Cruise has been all over the fucking news lately and you can't get away from the bastard. I'm beginning to greatly resent the intrusion on my psyche. I mean, shit dude, how much attention do you fucking need? Wouldn't it be OK if you didn't pull some ridiculous stunt to get your face plastered all over everywhere for just...oh, twenty minutes or so? What the hell compels you? How is this an end that you feel comfortable dedicating the precious moments of your short life to?

There was a big stink made about this interview with Matt Lauer, who is one of those complete bullshit morning talk show guys who fucking sucks. I'm not sure what the details are, and I'm not going to give this issue the dignity it doesn't deserve by looking them up, but I feel confident to talk about it because this peripheral knowledge has been subliminally programmed into my head without my consent. If Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer don't want me to talk about them, then they can stop using every photon of their energy trying to spread their stupid message and image to all corners of the globe.

So from what I gather, Tom Cruise was saying that Post Partum Depression is a crock and that it shouldn't be treated with anything other than vitamins and exercise. This initiated a shit storm because, as we all know, PPD is the "disease" that Oprah invented to justify that fact that sometimes women flip out and kill their kids. You see, we needed a disease to explain this because the statistic that more women than men kill their children was in conflict with that vastly propagated social paradigm that men are evil and women are good. Therefore if you invent some meaningless initials and call it a disease, it's OK for women to kill their children.

So really, it was kind of nice to see Tom Cruise ripping on this a little bit (usually airhead celebrities like him don't have any opinion contrary to the social norm, ever), but of course nothing came of it except that Brook Shields piped in and said that Tom Cruise doesn't know anything about giving birth to children (yes, smart Brook actually felt the need to say this, and more newspaper space that could have gone to acknowledging the achievements of some truly great person was wasted on this mindless drivel).

The other half of this is that if anybody else had started ripping on PPD, Oprah would have torn them from groin to gullet. But because it was Tom Cruise, the dude she gets wet over, it was completely OK. How's that for selling out on your principles? And just when the fuck did Oprah become the social barometer for what is "good" and "moral" anyway? Just because she was smart enough to use her celebrity and her vast stores of wealth to buy a psychiatrist who sits there nodding like a bobble head doll over everything she says?

So the lesson to be learned is, if you say something completely reasonable but you're ugly, everybody will destroy your character until you're crawling on all fours. But if you're an "attractive" idiot fucking a girl fifteen years younger than you, people will find a way to justify the propriety of anything you say or do. That's just fucking great. Love this culture, love the human race, love the way things are.

The End