I don’t know why Gwen Stefani pissed me off today, but something put her in my mind and started to irritate. And you know, it isn’t even really fair, because compared to many bullshit teen idols out there (Brittany comes to mind) Stefani does have a decent bit of talent. She paid her dues with shitty bands working in shitty clubs for many years (she’s almost 38 for god’s sake).

But you know what, she’s not seriously talented enough to command the mega-appeal that she does. I mean in a just world, she’d have a job, she’d be a well-off bar band chick who made between fifty and a hundred grand a year. That’s about the talent level she has. She should be Jackson Browne famous, or maybe even a little bit less.

So I put my mind to it and after about a millisecond (the obvious never takes too long to compute) I figured out what it is about Gwen Stefani that has catapulted her into nearly Jennifer Lopez type adulation.

Back when it was just about the music, No Doubt did fine, yet they weren’t anything special. But somewhere along the line some clever music video producer gave Gwen Stefani the fatal direction that has completely revolutionized her earning power.

“Come on Gwen, tilt your head down like you’re a ten year old girl begging not to be punished. Give me those ‘I’m so cute…fuck me…it’s forbidden’ eyes.”

That was it. A pop singer who plays exclusively to a single group of rock-fetishists was suddenly born. Add a little baby talk and a little no-no shake of the head and you’ve got a forbidden, sexualized image that is good enough for years of hits, no matter what the music sounds like.

Taylor Hicks should try that trick.

Sigh…and it’s all obnoxious because perhaps Gwen Stefani could produce something actually good if she worked at it. But the naughty little schoolgirl routine is paying the bills so why not stick with it. Shit….When “Rocky” came out, Roger Ebert stated that Sylvester Stallone could turn into the next Marlon Brando. But Sly soon figured that an angry sneer and Canola Oil covered muscles paid for Hollywood mansions and European super-models, so acting became a secondary thing.

Fuck it.

Why do you think some of us still rant on free websites?

Oh, and I lost a bunch of money on the stock market today, so I’m kind of cranky…

The End