Some of you out there undoubtedly have problems with your parents. If your parents were born in the Baby Boomer generation, the chances of their being assholes rises astronomically. Frankly, and I think I’ve mentioned this before, that generation is based more on selfishness and the quest for personal satisfaction than any other group of people that has ever walked this earth.

I’ve got a more or less acceptable relationship with my mother. By that I mean that I’ll answer her e-mails if she writes me, and maybe stop by for a visit if I’m in the US. My dad, on the other hand, is a completely different story. He’s basically a worthless punk and if I never see him again that will be too soon.

The worst part of it is that he lives his life completely in denial. I’m not the only kid on the block who has problems with him. Several of his brothers and sisters, his ex-wife (my mom), and even some of his acquaintances have major issues with him. Still, that doesn’t stop him from sending me frequent e-mails about how his psychologist thinks, based on my dad’s relation of key events, that I am in desperate need of counseling.

Really, when you stop and think about it, that’s almost beyond belief.

“Son, I realize we haven’t talked for many years, but there’s something you should know. I was talking about you to my psychologist behind your back, and from what I’ve told him, he’s concluded that you’re deeply disturbed.”

The worst part of this whole parental conflict is that most third party observers just instantly assume that I’m the one whose in the wrong. Based on nothing more than the statement “I don’t get along with my dad” they instantly think it’s their duty to start lecturing me on how I should respect my parents. This is no doubt in an effort to kill the idea of young people demanding they be treated appropriately before it spreads to their own kids and they themselves are held responsible for being complete assholes.

Isn’t the truth important to anybody?

What about the whole deal of not blaming the victim? I mean, what if my dad had crawled into my bed and ass-packed me for four hours every night? He didn’t by the way...not that I remember, but the point I’m trying to make is that before somebody should go off on some self-righteous lecture against you, shouldn’t they make sure of the facts? You get these scrawny, as yet unmarried, thirty plus year old women staring at you with those wing-tipped reading glasses with god-awful beads running down the side, telling you how one day you’ll be sorry for being so cruel to your parents. I’ve actually stopped them and said.

“But my dad raped me.”

Just to get them to shut up. But do they do the right thing? Do they back down and apologize? Fuck no! They just brush it off and tell you to get over it.

IMAGINE!

Just think if she came to me with some story about somebody who’d been raped and I told her to “get over it.” She’d flip out! Her veins would explode with the surge of adrenaline and rage she had experienced. It’s bullshit.

So I guess my point is that if you have conflicts with your parents, there is no group in society that is going to side with you and help you out. It’s not like there are shelters for people whose parents are assholes. In fact, you’re going to feel a strong social pressure to just shut up and deal with it rather than even attempt to talk about the problem and work towards a relationship you both can live with.

I think it’s a really cowardly fucking attitude frankly. In my experience, people are a whole lot more capable of learning than anybody gives them credit for. Usually if you turn up the pressure, idiots will relent on a stupid idea.

I think everybody has that hope deep down that their parents will accept them and encourage them to do the things that make them happy. Where most parents overstep the line is by obliging their kids to do things that make them miserable just because the parents think it’s in their best interests. A lot of people let the expectations of their parents completely run their lives. In the past, when we were just working on farms and trying to extract a living from the tepid ground, that was OK. But now, inherent selfishness has become such an integrated part of American Society, that it’s dangerous to follow the antiquated patterns of custom.

I mean, now it’s just acceptable for corporations to cheat their employees and dump toxic waste into the drinking water, it’s acceptable for fast food companies to market a product that is in fact dangerously unhealthy, it’s acceptable for presidential candidates to steal elections and wage illegal wars for the benefit of their oil buddies. So, in turn, it’s also become acceptable for parents to guilt-trip their kids into a state of slavery/indentured servitude, and have them work for their (the parents) happiness in misery and heartache.

Look, it certainly is the case that there are plenty of dead beat kids out there who need a good sharp kick to the head. Society is well aware of those and there’s no need to talk about it. The issue right now is dead beat parents who sabotage their children’s lives. Here are some of the tactics they use:

Belittlement: The line that you aren’t good enough. We’ve all heard this and, as young people, we’re all very susceptible to it. As you make your way in life, it takes you a little while to get the hang of things. Furthermore, you aren’t going to get a job that pays as much in your first year as your father gets paid after having worked for 30 (watch out if you did, because getting paid more than your dad, in all likelihood, would earn his resentment a lot faster than his respect). The fact is, it’s a parents responsibility to build you up and give you the self-confidence and self-respect necessary to succeed in life. If they aren’t doing this, then don’t waste your time with them. Their position is too powerful in your life to allow them to abuse it.

The guilt trip: My dad is a master at this. He’s always giving me crap like, “I’m going to be dead soon and you’re going to regret not having spent more time with me.” What a crock! What am I going to regret about not allowing him to punch me repeatedly in the face? This “I’m going to die” argument is the parental equivalent of a child picking up his toys and going home in an angry huff. It’s childish to even throw out there on the table, and if your parent does so, it indicates that he/she is truly the immature one. The argument should be more like this, “Dad, you’re going to be dead soon, wouldn’t you like to spend the remaining time making up for what a shitty influence you’ve been on my life, rather than sulking in the corner like an angry baby?”

“I brought you into this world, you should be grateful.”: Ok, fair enough. I am grateful (even though I never asked to be brought into this world). But the fact that I am grateful doesn’t mean that I need to sit back and receive your abuse. Once you cross the line, you need to be held accountable. It’s not like a cop who saved your life can come back twenty years later and kill you without repercussions. There are no get out of jail free cards.

Like I said, this is one of those issues that society never chooses to deal with. Everybody seems to be content with the idea that you just put up with your family. Well, that’s not acceptable to me, especially in cases where parents are extremely abusive, whether it be physically or through the way they constantly attempt to manipulate and belittle you. You need to think of yourself as a victim of abuse and just get the hell away from their influence.

One of the things that I’ve found in the ten or so years since I cut my dad out of my life, is how much I’ve been able to grow as a person without him constantly pushing me down. I’ve realized I’m a more capable, attractive, successful person than I ever thought I was or could be. This wouldn’t have been possible for me to know if I was still stuck in the rut of listening to his constant assaults against my character.

The only down side is that, as a parent, they will always have a certain power over you. There is no artificial situation you can create that is as good as being on good terms with happy, responsible, caring parents who are truly doing their best to look out for you. But if the best thing you can do is cut them out of your life, then that’s what you have to do.

You have a right to be happy. You have a right to take every advantage you can to achieve this happiness. If you had a friend who was a drug addict, you probably wouldn’t hesitate to cut ties before that person dragged you down into their hell. The same is true of you parents, they’re a resource that should be there to help you, and if it’s only hurting you then let it go. You don’t owe your parents anything. If they later see the error of their ways and make an honest attempt to mend fences, then leave the door open for them, but don’t allow them to hurt you. Nobody has a right to ask or demand that.

The End