Ok, ok, settle down, I'm not going to sit here and act all pompous and intellectual and bitch about how stupid Mission Impossible was just to show how "theoretically" smart I am. Of course Mission Impossible was stupid, it's Mission fucking Impossible! Any fucking asshole that would go to Mission Impossible and bitch about it afterwards is a thumb-fucking retard. I mean (and I'm starting to digress because there are a whole shit-ton of these kind of people out there...people with their god-damned turtle necked sweaters who spend their weekends at wine-tastings with a copy of "Sideways" tucked under their arm which they're reading becasue the movie was "too Hollywood"...fucking dipshits) what the fuck are these people going to Mission Impossible for? Is it to show tolerance for a belief system they think is stupid? Well, why do they bitch about it afterwards then? I mean, didn't they see the trailers? Don't they know what the movie is about? It's got Tom Cruise in it....of course it's silly.

There is only one reason to go to Mission Impossible, that's to see shit get blowed up real good. YEAH...and it's BLOWED up, it's not BLOWN up! Emphasis on the stupid. And if there's one thing Mission Impossible has, it's a god damned monopoly on stupid...FUCK YEAH! This movie was so stupid that it spend five minutes filming some silly dialogue between two of Cruises teammembers while he is off doing some amazing, idiotic, heroic shit in a building. Do you know the scene I'm talking about? Cruise (I could call him Ethan Hunt, but why bother, every time you see Tom Cruise in a movie it's Tom Cruise. He might as well start doing what Jackie Chan does and just make all his characters named Tom) has just SWONG, not swung, over to a building and is looking for the mysterious rabbit's foot that nobody even knows or cares what it is, and he's inside and he's obviously got to kill a bunch of people or something but instead of seeing that, we see the young dude and the hot asian chick (good call movie, all films need a hot asian chick) are sitting there chatting about....and it would be acceptable if they were talking about something that moved the plot along in any conceivable way...but no, they're talking about nothing. The scene is completely pointless!

"This is an old Chinese poem..."

"What?"

"Something that my mother used to sing to me when I was a little girl..."

girl gazes whistfully out the window

"you know, I used to have a mother to."

"really?"

their eyes meet in a tender moment that might suggest love when....

CRACKLE! (radio static)

"OK, I just did six increadible stunts, killed forty-five people and I'm now plumeting down the side of a building trying to get my emergency parachute to open."

OK boss, we'll be right there, the satellite locater has detected you.

WTF? But actually, this movie is so full of stupid action that maybe the directors just thought you might be getting bored of it. I mean, the asian chick and the dude don't even hook up at the end. She doesn't even take him in the back for a hummer....maybe that's on the director's cut...oh, speaking of that, remember the hot French chick from the first MI movie? Yeah, the Asian chick was hot in this one, but that French chick was fucking smoking...anyway, does anybody else remember that in all the original MI trailers they implied that there was this hot, steamy sex scene between the French chick and Tom...er Ethan? Well, it never happened in the movie god damn it....can anybody help me out here, is it on the director's cut? And what's the name of that movie where Monica Belluchi...or whatever her name is...gets raped for 20 minutes? Obsession.

Anyway...the part of MI III that really cracked me up was when Cruise had to turn to his girlfriend and say...I'm with IMF....IMF, what's that?...Impossible Missions Force.

Like you can say that shit with a straight face. Oh yeah, you're with the Impossible Missions Force huh? And how often are you successful? And if you are at all successful ever, perhaps you should think about changing your name?

Anyway...hey, wait a minute, secret agents can't be married...God damn it...And God damn you George Lazenby...but at least the raging aussie had the good sense to see his girl toy was dead by the end of his flaccid stint. Ethan...er Tom, well, we'll just have to save terminating his Kate Hudson (wait, is that the name of his girlfriend/wife), oh who cares, Tom's gay anyway, everybody knows it.

The End