I’ve been hearing some really irritating things lately. The other night I was sitting around with some guys the playing cards and somebody mentioned that it’s now illegal to chain your dog up in some places in the US. Now, I don’t know if this is true or not, the source is semi-unreliable, but it’s just the type of idiotic issue that would come to the forefront in the brain-dead union of the misinformed.

So your not supposed to chain up your dog. Why? Is it cruel? You’re not telling me that some idiotic humanitarian group is dedicating precious man-hours to something so preposterous as banning the act of chaining up a dog? I mean, seriously, don’t they read the newspapers? Don’t they see that there are issues a billion times more important than whether a stupid dog is chained up or not.

For example, why don’t they worry about global warming? I mean with the same fucking effort they could potentially save millions of wild animals, some on the verge of extinction. They could get us some goddamned electrically-operated bullet trains in the US so we wouldn’t have to be so reliant on fossil fuels. Doesn’t that seem like a good issue? We could stop the wars in Arabia and cut down trans-continental flights (which would cut global warming in half).

You see, that’s just off the top of my head and I’ve already come up with two issues about a billion times more useful and interesting than whether or not dogs are chained up. Shit, if we provoke another global ice age, the damn dogs aren’t going to care whether they’re chained or not.

This dog chaining business is one of those stupid things that’s provoked by people who simply have too much time on their hands. They don’t know what to do. They’re too comfortable, everything’s too easy, so they decide that they must have some civic duty to the human race to trollop about and do good. So they flail about like manatee having an epileptic fit and latch onto the first semi-humanistic idea they come across.

Don’t chain up your dog.

?

You know, it’s all these damn mothers groups too who are too worried about establishing themselves on the pulpit to even look after their fucking kids. That should be the movement I start up.

Forget your stupid fucking causes. Pay attention to your kids.

Or

Single Men Against Rampaging Deadbeat Mothers

SMARDM

And another thing, did you know it’s illegal to sit around and play poker in bars in the US? What the fuck is up with that? I can’t get together with my friends and do a five dollar buy-in game of Texas Hold ‘em. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ! I was telling some guys that the other day from England and they just started laughing. For a country that likes to claim...actually self-righteously broadcast...that we’re all about freedom, we sure do limit it a lot.

You can’t play poker there.

You can’t chain up your dog.

What “freedoms” exactly are all our young men fighting and dying for?

The End