I want to see Batman tagging Katie Holmes in the batsuit. I mean…come on, doesn’t he have any cool sex toys on that damn utility belt?

Batman—“I’m going to give you a sedative, if your ass is sore in the morning…er…it’s just a side effect of the sedative.”

Ok, I could go on some long-winded tirade about how irritating Holmes’s character was, but what purpose would that serve? What I’m going to do instead is demonstrate what an actual STRONG FEMALE character would have done in the situations:

Batman—“My parents just died and I am tempted to kill the man responsible.”

Holmes (from the actual movie)—“That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard, your parents would be ashamed of you! If they knew of your intentions, they’d have probably stripped you naked and covered you in shit and cast you off into the street, you make me sick you pathetic bastard.”

Holmes (from the movie where she is a GOOD, STRONG CHARACTER)—“Obviously you’re a little messed up because of your parents death, here, I’ll be caring and understanding because you’re going through a hell I can’t understand.

Quick question…ever notice how male characters in movies are expected to bear enormous psychological and emotional burdens that would torment and kill most people, while female characters are always given a whole damn city full of emotional support and caring? See my article about how 5 times as many men kill themselves in American society, and then try and tell me that this is a trivial or unimportant point.

OK, OK, Batman is supposed to be fucked up. That’s why he’s Batman, it’s just that it’d be nice if he had a little bit of resentment for both the women and the men who made him like that. I want some more psychological depth…I mean COME ON, this is a guy who’d rather beat up crack addicts in a mountain jail in Tibet than screw European super models? Alfie…er…Alfred has to push him into going out with super hot chicks!

Oh, and why is it unacceptable to just kill the bad guys in cold blood? What the hell? There is one scene where Batman is supposed to cut a murderer’s head off with a sword and then refuses to do it and as a result of this refusal he kills forty or fifty guys and blows up a perfectly good mountain-top dojo. I think it’s pretty clear that sometimes it’s your responsibility to kill people and if you don’t do it, the only thing you’re going to accomplish is that more people are going to die. That’s just an inescapable fact, movies can’t hide that with Hollywood magic forever.

They coolest guy in the flick was that screwed up psychologist who thought it was fun to mess with insane people by giving them a strong hallucinogenic drug and then torment them with a scary mask. Ouch! That shit’s just mean spirited. If you’ve never tried a hallucinogenic drug then you probably just don’t grasp how terrifying of a concept this really is.

Oh, and there was a fire-breathing horse. I think the last time I saw a fire-breathing horse was in “The Fischer King.” Seriously, all movies need a fire-breathing horse.

Ok, OK, you caught me…I can’t write coherently about this because I keep thinking of 18 year old Katie Holmes….yeah, yeah, she’s something like 26 now, but we all remember her as virginal 18 year old little Katie from some crappy, utter shit TV show that the only reason anybody ever watched was to fantasize over the virginal young girl. The same thing’s true about 7th Heaven. Now that Katie’s 26, it’s OK to fantasize over her…sort of like retroactive kiddie porn, although nobody’s going to call you on this.

Ah…Katie Holmes…I remember when she was 18.

Batman MUST kill somebody with a sword! He should also start sucking blood. Actually, there should be a scene where Batman’s standing in the bat cave surrounded by bats and masturbating. I think the next time we see Batman on the silver screen, he should make us uncomfortable. He should bite the head of a bat. Enough of this mamsy-pansy hero crap, make Batman a vile predator, a vigilante…That’s what he is you know!

The only real complaint about the movie (besides the fact that Katie Holmes wasn’t getting tag-teamed by Yoda and Chewbacca…but that never happens) is that there is no definition of what the bad guys stand for. They’re just bad. I want more about THEIR psyche!

You know what the reality is about life my friends? The reality is that everybody thinks they’re the fucking hero of the movie. Nobody runs around thinking that they’re the freak. We decide who the hero is based on who wins, not on some loftier reality or sense of morality. We contort our perception of reality to come into accordance with the visual stimulus of our senses and our inherent fight for survival. But the fact is that the psycho psychologist with the bad acid was 100% sure that he was doing the right thing, and maybe in some fucked-up situation, his screwy way of looking at the world actually was the best way to go about things. You realize, don’t you, that although we’re cheering for Batman, he is a character that has to be surrounded by almost unfathomable corruption to be justifiable. You can’t have a reasonably functional society with some Batman dude running around taking the law into his own hands.

Ah-ha…so that begs the question of who the real criminals are? The voters? The fat cat politicians? Why doesn’t Batman go after them?

Why doesn’t he use his billions of dollars to educate the poor so that they become empowered and powerful…That would be a much more effective way of fighting evil…but then again, perhaps we should be looking at Batman metaphorically. Maybe it’s better to see him as a dark, crusading angel who is fighting the very nightmares of the human condition. Maybe he represents the fight against…corruption itself, the basic nature of humanity to stick to a path of little probable success just because deep down in the heart, all humans know what is correct…and that they are doomed if they attempt to follow it.

But all that crap’s too deep. Better to just have Batman as a psycho who sits in his batcave masturbating. Maybe he should never even leave the batcave…he just sits there all day…all alone…all alone….

Maybe I should revisit this topic later…when the thought of Katie Holmes isn’t so distracting…Well, at least it wasn’t as powerful as Jessica Biel…I couldn’t even begin to write about “Blade: Trinity.”

The End