Ok, so I went and saw the 300. Good fucking movie. By the way, they digitized an image of my abs and used them throughout the feature. I get fifteen cents everytime the movie is shown, that should set me up for life...but I digress.

I'm not here to sing the 300's priases, you've seen the movie, you liked it, it was fucking good. No, I'm here for a much more noble purpose. I'm here to rip apart all the dipshit critics who are saying stupid things about it.

Sure, sure, the movie is receiving a 61% tomato reading, which is pretty damn good, but there are a couple criticisms that keep coming up that are just so banal that they don't deserve the right to see the light of printed day.

First of all, where is it written that every damn critic in the universe has to be overweight, fifty and full of shit? Sure, some of them occasionally write the correct thing about a movie, but most of the time they go off pontificating like baggy ass blowhards about complete nonsense. Why the fuck can't there be critics among every age and racial group? Wouldn't that give us a more accurate impression about the overall quality of a movie? But when have you ever read a review in a major publication written by somebody who was only 25 years old? No...that doesn't happen because being a movie critic is too sweet a job for any newbie to get it. To land that position you have to sit in place for fifty years until you're a damn pillar of the institution and nobody actually expects anything of you anymore.

Fuck the critics.

Some of them are bitching about the historical accuracy of the film. Screw them! Like historians actually know what went on any better than an artist like Frank Millar. Most of the time historians misinterpret history based on the way their own culture thinks about things. This is true about any scholarly field other than math or science. Professors cannot tell you how things actually are, they can only tell you how people of today think things are. Being as though people of today are completely fucked in the head, you should just decide for yourself what went on and stick to it. Hell, most of the time people just act like they are "experts" to oppress and disempower you. Fuck that.

Speaking of Frank Miller, Jesus Christ is this guy good. I mean both Sin City and 300 were just brilliant, how come I haven't heard this guy's name before? How come I didn't study him in any college classes? Oh yeah, I forget, college classes are dictated by elitist assholes who only want to teach bullshit nobody reads like T.S. Elliot and Kate Chopin because that's what the estabilished vast stupid majority thinks is the end all be all of intellectual achievement. Fuckers.

Well, I've got news for them, T.S. Elliot coulnd't hold Frank Miller's leather jockstrap.

My only complaint about the movie is that it once again portrays death as a completely viable punishment for rape. Shit, that whole scene about Leonidas's wife was just so contrived. I mean...SHE'S THE DAMN QUEEN! Don't tell me she's some impoverished weakling in the kingdom. Somebody's got to think that there's a chance that Leonidas is going to come back and that if people fucked with her (pun) there would be major consequences. Why the hell did she keep meeting people in her house without a couple big beefy bodyguards. Just have the fucker killed, who cares that he's on the council. Fucking kill him, you're the damn queen.

It just shows how fucked up and backwards our society is that it chooses to display female strength as a woman who is powerless to resist being raped but who endures it to save her husband. Fuck that bullshit! That just sounds like scantily disguised infidelity. When are people going to start showing strength as a woman who does the reasonable thing and actually comes to her husbands aid?

But that's my only complaint and apparently, the rape scene wasn't in Miller.

Fifty million gold stars out of five!

End