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Issue #5:

Bob's World,

by Marc Crofton

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Sheldon the Very Brave Accountant,

by R. E. Mendel

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Blue Flamers,

by Dr. Dona T. Mularkey

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The Tunnel at the End of the Light,

by Brian C. Petroziello

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The Man Who Wouldn't Eat Pineapples,

by Byron Leavitt

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Modern Art,

David McGillveray

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An Offer from Mr. Bricks,

by William I. Lengeman III

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Sheldon the Very Brave Accountant

by R.E. Mendell

It was a surprisingly beautiful autumn day in the Kingdom of Thysland, so much
so that the King decided to treat himself to a round of golf. Not that he was really
taking time off work, as he rarely did work. Still it was a lovely day and no one in
the kingdom was prepared to begrudge even a lazy sovereign a few hours of golf in
the cool fall breeze. All was well in the world His Majesty could not help but
ruminate. After all, the magic bean harvest once again was a great success and
Thysland's monopoly of the crop would again bring vast riches to the treasury.

The King was barely into the second hole when the Prime Minister came
rushing onto the golf course followed sheepishly by the Security Minister. The
Prime Minister looked greatly distressed. The Prime Minister was usually
distressed but he tended to hide it effectively. That he actually appeared distressed
did not bode well.

"Prime Minister, you look distressed," commented the King demonstrating his
clear knack for the obvious, "as well you should be, have you not noticed that this
golf course does not have a single windmill or giant monkey?"

The Prime Minister bit the inside of his cheek - which he tended to do every
time the King made some sort of inane remark, which was quite often. He drew a
deep breath, "Your Highness, it is my sad duty to bring you horrible news."

"Well, obviously," snorted the King.

"Pardon me, Your Majesty? " responded the Prime Minister, clearly thrown off
his train of thought.

"Well obviously," began the King in a tone of voice that implied that the
following should be obvious to all and hence should not need to be spelled out, "if
you are bringing me horrible news, it would be a sad duty."

"Yes, Your Highness, quite true," the Prime Minister straining every ounce of
patience he could muster continued, "it is my sad and difficult duty to inform you
that your daughter, the Princess Wilma, has been kidnapped."

"What?" bellowed the King, "I am the King of Thysland no one should have
the gall to do such a thing to me!"

The Security Minister jumped in - or rather was pushed in by the Prime
Minister, who had enough, "well, Your Highness/Majesty/Sir the Department of
Security has launched an investigation and quite a lot of progress has been made."

"Well?" demanded the King, who felt that he had lost not only a daughter, but a
game of golf.

"Oh yes, Sir ... Majesty," the Security Minister was a nervous man by nature
and did not handle situations well that legitimately induced nervousness, "we have
concluded that an investigative committee should be established to continue the
investigation, assuming that we can decide who should be on the committee...and
assuming that the committee is approved by the Oversight Committee."

"Are you mad?" shouted the King, "we don't have time for committees. The
committee that studied the Kingdom's committee forming practices concluded that.
Now spare me the bureaucratic nonsense and tell me what happened to my
daughter."

The Security Minister was quite further shaken by the King's admittedly
justified outburst. Wiping the sweat from his brow and clearing his throat
repeatedly, the Security Minister recounted what was known of the Princess
Wilma's fate, "Well, Your ... Kingness we had no witnesses to the incident..."

"No witnesses? But where were the Royal Guards" demanded the King, as the
Royal Guards were presumably supposed to be guarding and therefore be in a
reasonable position to actually witness something.

The Security Minister gave it his best shot, "As you are no doubt aware, the
Royal Guards are under orders to stand at perfect attention. At the time of the .. Er
.. incident, they were facing the other direction. They did hear the commotion but
did not wish to disobey orders," and before the King could respond, "but they were
able to recover many clues from the crime scene. Many giant foot prints were
found leading to and from the Royal Palace. In addition to the giant fist hole that
went through the wall of the Princess' bedroom, many giant fingerprints were
found. Therefore ... and hence, we conclude that some sort of giant may have been
involved ... in some way."

The King looked sincerely confused, "a giant what?"

The Prime Minister realizing that a drawn out conversation between a confused
monarch and a flustered Security Minister could further imperil the already
precarious position of the Princess, "Your majesty, the Security Minister speaks of
a noun, not an adjective. I have already taken the liberty of calling together the
bravest and most capable knights in the Kingdom, may I suggest that we leave the
golf course and continue our deliberations in the Crisis Centre."

#


The Crisis Centre was located deep inside the Royal Palace. It was a small,
dramatically lit room with walls covered in maps. A large oval table dominated.
The king originally wanted a round table, but it would not fit through the door.
The King sat at the head of the table. Facing him at the far end was the Prime
Minister. To the right of the King sat his most senior ministers. To the left sat his
bravest and most capable knights.

Satisfied that all were in attendance, the Prime Minister rose from his seat and
stood before the most impressive looking of the wall maps.

"Your Highness, my dear colleagues," began the Prime Minister in a grave tone
of voice, a tone of voice that signaled that he was in charge - which was of great
relief to all, "our scouts have tracked the giant - an actual giant and not a
description - to his mountain-top lair."

A shudder was audible throughout the room, for all knew the ferocious
reputation of the only giant known to live in a mountain top lair: Gargantuan the
Giant.

"Well, this is excellent," began the King, which made everyone conclude that
indeed not all knew the ferocious reputation of Gargantuan the Giant - which, of
course did not bode well, "as we now know where my daughter is being held, my
brave Knights will storm the castle, slay the giant and we will all live happily ever
after."

The Knights looked at each other with grave misgiving. Sir Reginald the
Apprehensive began, "An excellent plan to be sure Your Majesty, however, we
certainly would not wish to unduly risk the life of the Princess with a frontal
assault."

"I must agree, Your Highness," chimed in Sir Percival the Reticent, "we do not
wish to overwhelm you civilians with technical/strategic mumbo-jumbo. I think I
can speak for all your Knights when I say that a more finessed plan is in order."

The King was beginning to suspect that his Knights were not nearly as brave or
as capable as he had once believed, "and what would you suggest?" he inquired
suspiciously.

The Knights stared at the King stunned, as they all had the vain hope that there
would be no further questions and they could all go home. It was not only their K's
that were silent.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity of awkward silence, Sir William the
Mediocre presented a plan, "I would suggest that a letter be drafted to the Giant,
explaining to him the seriousness of the situation, demanding ... no .. asking him
nicely ... but firmly to release the Princess and requesting that he not do it again."

"And if he does not respond to the letter?" the King demanded to know.

The Foreign Minister was taken aback by the question, "Your Majesty, it is
simply impolite not to respond to an official letter - and it will be official, there will
be a Royal Stamp on it and everything."

The other Ministers nodded their approval, joined immediately by the Knights,
who were increasingly comforted by the thought that they would not be charging
head long into the lair of a ferocious giant anytime soon. The King looked
helplessly at his Prime Minister who found himself in the uncomfortable position
of actually agreeing with the point of view of the King - possibly for the first time.

Realizing that there would not be ample time to fire the entire cabinet and all
the knights so he could replace them with competent alternatives, the Prime
Minister suggested, "Perhaps Foreign Minister, your department should begin
drafting the letter. In the meantime, Security Minister I would strongly recommend
that you begin considering a Plan B."

#


Time seemed to pass excruciatingly slow as the Ministers and their officials
worked feverishly through the afternoon, taking time out for only one coffee break
... and an early dinner ... going home to sleep after dinner as they were tired ... And
found it hard to concentrate after such a large meal. Nevertheless, they were back
at it late the next morning ... after a hardy breakfast.

The Prime Minister called the Security and Foreign Ministers into his office so
that he could have the latest progress to brief the King.

"Much progress has been made," boasted the Foreign Minister.

"Oh yes, much," added the Security Minister unhelpfully.

"Wonderful," responded the Prime Minister, not entirely convinced, "may I ask
what progress has been made?"

"Oh, of course," responded the Foreign Minister chuckling at his absent
mindedness, "Officials from both departments met yesterday. Of course before they
met, each department had their own pre-meeting to plan the meeting and afterward
had the post meeting to discuss how the meeting went and then met again to ensure
that they agreed on what had been discussed."

"We certainly would not want you to have the impression that all we did was
hold a series of meetings," interrupted the Security Minister, "much was
accomplished."

"Such as?" insisted the Prime Minister, tapping his fingers impatiently on his
desk.

The Foreign Minister sincerely believing that indeed much had been
accomplished chimed in, "We've chosen the paper size and colour of the letter to
the Giant. We haven't decided on a font yet, but we've narrowed it down to three."

The Security Minister, equally excited about his accomplishments added
proudly that a Plan B had been devised, "We will take out an advertisement asking
someone to help save the Princess."

The Prime Minister's response was emphatic but unprintable.

#


The Department of Security indeed sent out an advertisement across the
Kingdom of Thysland and beyond. It was supposed to read:
PLEASE HELP US IN SAVING THE PRINCESS

Instead due to an unfortunate typographical error, it read:
PLEASE HELP US IN SAVING, THE PRINCESS

This error succeeded in creating much confusion, especially for an unemployed
accountant named Sheldon who specialized in helping people organize their life
savings. In fact as a promotional gimmick, he had billed himself as Sheldon, the
Life Saver. As Thysland's economy continued to boom due to its monopoly of
magic bean production, its citizens began saving less and less of their incomes,
preferring to spend and enjoy the good times. As a result, Sheldon's was probably
the only business in Thysland that was not prospering. But now, as he mistakenly
believed that the Princess Wilma herself was looking for financial advice, Sheldon
could only begin to consider the implications of having her as a client.

And so with a misplaced sense of self-confidence, Sheldon loaded up his
donkey and proceeded to the Royal Palace to face his destiny - a lot more dramatic
a destiny than the one he originally understood.

Upon arriving at the Palace gates, Sheldon was heartened to see that there was
not the line-up that he had feared. In contrast to Sheldon, the overwhelming
majority of Thysland's citizenry had bothered to read the newspaper that morning
and understood the dangers involved.

Sheldon introduced himself to the friendly and helpful - though a tad skeptical -
palace guard. Informing him that he was there regarding the advertisement,
Sheldon passed along his business card: SHELDON - THE LIFE SAVER.

The guard looked at the card, then at Sheldon, then at the card again. Sheldon
was a short, and slightly built man who somehow appeared to have difficulty
handling the weight of a business card. As such, the guard could be forgiven if he
thought Sheldon more resembled an accountant than a giant slayer - which, of
course, was the case.

The guard disappeared into the Palace, emerging very soon after to bring
Sheldon to the Security Minister.

#


The Security Minister sat nervously - as he often did - in his conference room,
flanked by Sir Reginald and Sir Percival. His Plan B was, not surprisingly, badly
received by the Prime Minister and even more negatively received by the King.
Unbeknownst to him, the Knights - who were even less brave and capable than
anyone had imagined - had concocted the advertisement plan themselves. They felt
it important to demonstrate the danger and futility of a rescue plan by sending some
unsuspecting fool to be devoured by the giant in their stead. As such, they would
be spared being eaten by a giant and the Security Minister would shoulder the
blame.

It was with this in mind that Sir Percival was delighted when Sheldon was led
into the room, "Sheldon the Life Saver we bid you welcome. We are most grateful
that you have chosen to answer our call. The Princess is indeed in dire straits and
your services are greatly required by your King and country."

Sheldon thought this a little over-dramatic, "It is my pleasure. Life savings is
my specialty."

The Security Minister, was beginning - belatedly - to have his doubts though
was still in need of reassurance, "You've done this before?"

"Of course," began Sheldon, "people often get into trouble, often through no
fault of their own, and need to be extricated."

The Security Minister was not reassured, "Have you ever successfully slain a
giant."

Sheldon was sincerely perplexed, "A giant what?"

Before the Security Minister could properly finish his line of questioning, Sirs
Reginald and Percival had already leaped over the conference table and, grabbing
Sheldon by his arms, escorted him out the door.

"Your bravery will not go unrewarded, you have truly answered the call of your
country," Sir Reginald proclaimed over the confused muttering of both Sheldon
and the Security Minister, "Now let's get you to the armory and get you fitted."

As the increasingly despondent Security Minister was left alone in the
conference room, he could hear a faint distant voice in the corridor, "A giant
what?"

#


A large and impressive convoy snaked through the mountain passes heading
straight towards the lair of Gargantuan the Giant. Twenty of Thysland's most
decorated knights resplendent in their blinding shiny armor rode atop their
magnificently white unicorn battle-steeds. All had their spears pointed directly at
the front of the column - towards Sheldon, to ensure he did not run away. Sirs
Reginald and Percival thought it best not to actually brief the Prime Minister - and
certainly not the King - of their plan to send Sheldon to fight the giant. They chose
instead to send a memo, which they hoped would not arrive at the Prime Minister's
desk for several weeks.

Sheldon rode atop his little donkey in a suit of armor that was clearly far too
big for him. He was now fully aware of the plan the knights had concocted and the
unfortunate central role that he would play. He had tried - and begged - to get out
of the scheme, but the spears made a compelling argument.

The column came to a halt at the foot of a steep cliff, a thick mist covered the
summit. Sir William the Mediocre raised the visor of his helmet and proclaimed,
"Sheldon the Life Saver, before you is the Misty Mountain of Doom, home to the
fearsome and ferocious Gargantuan the Giant. No one, not even the greatest of
knights, has survived a battle with him. So, off you go. Good luck."

Sheldon dismounted his donkey and began the long and treacherous climb to
the giant's lair. Below him, the knights started a fire and brewed a pot of tea.

#


The mist was so thick Sheldon could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
The air was so heavy he could hardly breath. Every muscle in his body ached ...
and this was the easy part. He still had to confront Gargantuan and free the
Princess.

After three hours of climbing, Sheldon finally reached the top. Before him he
could make out the silhouette of a castle. Sheldon took a deep breath - several
actually as he was having difficulty breathing. He realized that this was the
moment of truth, a moment that would define the rest of his life, even if the rest of
his life would only last a few more minutes. Gathering all his courage, Sheldon
sought a way to enter the castle.

He did not have to look very far as to Sheldon's surprise the gate to the castle
was wide open. Apprehensively Sheldon made his way inside the cavernous
building. The place was in shambles, furniture lay overturned everywhere clearly a
great struggle had taken place. In the distance, Sheldon could hear a loud moaning.

He followed the sound, it got louder and louder as Sheldon approached the
kitchen. Peeking his head around he corner he saw the most remarkable sight:
Gargantuan the Giant was on his side, hog-tied, battered and bruised. Shocked by
the sight, Sheldon absent mindedly wandered into the kitchen.

"Oh thank goodness you're here, whoever you are," chimed the giant amicably,
"I've been like this for days, could you please give me a hand and untie me?"

"Sure," replied Sheldon who had never engaged a giant in conversation, never
mind a beaten and tied up one, "what happened to you?"

"Oh, the Princess," moaned the giant, "I just got her back to my lair and as I
was trying to put her in the cage she attacked me, knocked me out cold and I woke
up like this."

"Oh yes," remarked Sheldon without surprise as he struggled with the giant's
ropes, "She is very skilled. She commanded the Special Forces for a couple of
years. I understand that she even slew a few dragons."

"Really?" the giant did not have to be convinced of that, "I should have put
more thought into my plan. I was only looking to extort a bit of money. I'm having
some problems with personal debt. I mean do you know what the mortgage is on a
place this size?"

"I'm surprised to hear that," began Sheldon, "looking around at some of your
assets, I see some very promising income sources. The revenue alone from that
golden-egg-laying goose over there should be more than adequate. I'd be more than
happy to go over your books with you and help you with your household budget."

"Oh would you?" exclaimed the giant gratefully, "this is fantastic! All these
years of needless pillaging just because I was too embarrassed to seek out
assistance with my personal finances. I'll put on a pot of coffee, while you start on
my cheque book."

#


And so it came to pass that the Princess Wilma soon made her way back to
Thysland where she collected yet another medal for bravery and valor. The plot of
the knights was soon discovered and the King ordered all of them dismissed.
However, their union was very powerful and after many weeks of negotiations, the
knights were all let off with a stern reprimand and a raise.

And Sheldon? Gargantuan the Giant was so pleased with Sheldon's work, that
he hired him as his personal accountant. He also offered to appear in Sheldon's
promotional material ("Get Giant Savings" and other slogans along those lines),
which allowed him to restart his practice that flourished.

The End


Published by Fools Motley Magazine, 2004. All rights are property of the author. Copying and distribution of this work is prohibited. Webpage designed by Fools Motley Magazine based on templates from www.angelfire.com . Background and image provided by Grsites .