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oakley ladies golf shoes CLEAN LAFFS - Monday, January 5, 2004------------------------------------------------------------ Subscribe and Unsubscribe links at the bottom of the page. ------------------------------------------------------------ Good morning crew, Since it's the Monday after New Year I figure your brain might need a jump start. So here's a little teaser... The following is an address that was written on a letter the post office actually managed to deliver many, many years ago. Can you figure it out? Don't tell me you're not as smart as the guys at the post office. WOOD JOHN MASS Good luck. Laugh it up, Joe mailto:joe@cleanlaffs.com Email Joe *** Go For It... Some people seem to have all the fun. What's their secret? It's no secret at all. They are subscribers to the largest, award winning e-publications on the web, GOPHER CENTRAL. Gopher Central leaves no stone unturned. Featuring some of the nation's top writers, we offer newsletters for EVERY walk of life. Jokes, religion, politics, recipes, entertainment . . it's ALL here. Get the mail YOU want delivered directly into your inbox for F-R-E-E Go to Gopher Central *** "She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious." --W. Somerset Maugham *** "He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." --Raymond Chandler *** "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain ------------------------------------------------------------ >> This Year You'll SUCCEED In Your New Year's Resolution << *----- WE G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E IT -----* Every year do you make the same resolution... I'll lose weight. If you said YES then we've got something to help and its G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E-D to With Apple Cider Vinegar you can FINALLY lose those unwanted pounds and if you don't, just return it for a refund. Apple Cider Vinegar is one of the most effective, popular & SAFE weight loss tablets around. It is a powerful enzyme that acts as a natural diuretic to flush the fat out of your system. Give yourself the gift of slim for Just $9.99 (or save on 2 bottles) VISIT: Apple Cider Vinegar ------------------------------------------------------------ For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport. As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife asked, "Are they good seats?" "They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your com- panion will be seated beside a beautiful lady." *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------* A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you." _____________________________________________________________ W H Y D I D T H E C O W B O Y B U Y A D A C H S H U N D? Want to know the answer to this important question? Then you need to get a copy of THE BEST OF CLEAN LAFFS! Order Joe's laff diary for F-R-E-E...all you pay is postage and handling. Check it out: http://af3.gophercentral.com/book/clean.html The Best of Clean Laffs ____________________________________________________________ To SUBSCRIBE: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-jokes.html Subscribe UNSUBSCRIBE: http://news.gophercentral.com/s/?a=u&n=437&s=47963526 Unsubscribe You are subscribed as: aportorclass@flashmail.com If you are having difficulty unsubscribing using the link above you can contact us by clicking on this email link and keeping the subject line exactly as it appears: mailto:unsubscribe@gophercentral.com&subject=Unsub:437:47963526E Problems unsubscribing? * PLEASE allow 48-hrs for removal from this list when emailing * ------------------------------------------------------------ AOL Links ------------------------------------------------------------ Visit the Clean Laffs Site More FREE Fun & Entertainment ************************************************************ END OF CLEAN LAFFS Copyright 2004 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved. 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oakley ladies golf shoes CLEAN LAFFS - Tuesday, June 29, 2004------------------------------------------------------------ Subscribe and Unsubscribe links at the bottom of the page. ------------------------------------------------------------ Good morning crew, We had another promotion test at the school this weekend. Usually the tests are 8 weeks apart, but for some scheduling reason they held this test only six weeks after the last one. Subsequently I had to cram a lot of classes in over the last few weeks get ready. Usually I will go to the gym 2-3 times a week, but for the last two weeks I've been there Monday through Thursday. It's been tiring. It was a little distressing to watch this one, too. Usually I'm an advocate of the Beach Boys philosophy, "Be True to Your School" but it would be nice if they were a little more consistent. Most of the tests are cut-and-dry affairs where you demonstrate your knowledge and command of the skills for that rank and thanks for coming. But for some reason, during this test, they were working the students hard, especially the kids. One of the master instructors actually reduced two of the girls (ages around 10-12) to tears. I don't necessarily approve of that. But other than this bit of drama it was pretty anticlimactic. It always is. When I first learn the material it seems impossible, but after two months of training there is not much chance of failing. Of course, now I've probably jinxed myself. Laugh it up, Joe mailto:joe@cleanlaffs.com Email Joe *** "6" YEAR ANNIVERSARY JAMBOREE SPECIAL Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, hang on to your hat! We are NOW offering you "3 for the price of 1" on all NEW equivalent EPSON and CANON Inkjet Cartridges. Prices from $6.75 for 3 black and $10.50 for 3 color. LIMITED TIME OFFER http://ads.gophercentral.com/al/a?aid=7109&ent=2115 3 for the price of 1 *** My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four state troopers and a dog. *** Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. *** "My girlfriend is not a ball and chain--she's more of a spring-loaded trap." --Kevin Hench ------------------------------------------------------------ FREE Bugs Bunny Cell phone Flashing Key chain - The Smart and Fun Way To Receive Calls Are you like me, one of those types that always seems to miss cellphone calls? Well not anymore, thanks to the Bugs Bunny Flashing Cell Phone Chain. It blinks (in three wild colors, no less) BEFORE your phone receives a call signal. (It's like ESP....) Now you can turn off the ringer, put the phone away (or listen to headphones) without ever missing a call. Carry it with your keys, hang it from your car mirror or attach it to your cell phone case--it works up to 3 feet away from your phone. Cute and functional (and a surefire conversation starter), this makes a great gift.... If you want one of these, please HURRY or they'll be gone in a...uh, flash. (Limit 5 per order) http://ads.gophercentral.com/al/a?aid=505&ent=643 Cell phone Flashing Key chain ------------------------------------------------------------ The Bachelor Diet Monday Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox. Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. Tuesday Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw. Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's. Wednesday Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho's. Lunch - Rolaids and a coke. Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps. Thursday Breakfast - Order out for pizza. Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers. Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives. Friday Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you. Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder. Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus. Saturday Breakfast - Sleep through it. Lunch - Ditto. Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket. Sunday Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie. Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz? Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting our old room. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------* An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle. The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland. The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three." _____________________________________________________________ W H Y D I D T H E C O W B O Y B U Y A D A C H S H U N D? Want to know the answer to this important question? Then you need to get a copy of THE BEST OF CLEAN LAFFS! Order Joe's laff diary for F-R-E-E...all you pay is postage and handling. Check it out: http://af3.gophercentral.com/book/clean.html The Best of Clean Laffs ____________________________________________________________ To SUBSCRIBE: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-jokes.html Subscribe UNSUBSCRIBE: http://www.cleanlaffs.com/unsub.asp?n=437&e=aportorclass@flashmail.com Unsubscribe You are subscribed as: aportorclass@flashmail.com Change Your Email Address by Visiting: Change your email address * PLEASE allow 48-hrs for removal from this list when emailing * ------------------------------------------------------------ AOL Links ------------------------------------------------------------ Visit the Clean Laffs Site More FREE Fun & Entertainment ************************************************************ END OF CLEAN LAFFS Copyright 2004 by PENN LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to forward this, in its entirety, to others. |
