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Oakley Race Shoes CLEAN LAFFS - Monday, January 5, 2004------------------------------------------------------------ Subscribe and Unsubscribe links at the bottom of the page. ------------------------------------------------------------ Good morning crew, Since it's the Monday after New Year I figure your brain might need a jump start. So here's a little teaser... The following is an address that was written on a letter the post office actually managed to deliver many, many years ago. Can you figure it out? Don't tell me you're not as smart as the guys at the post office. WOOD JOHN MASS Good luck. Laugh it up, Joe mailto:joe@cleanlaffs.com Email Joe *** Go For It... Some people seem to have all the fun. What's their secret? It's no secret at all. They are subscribers to the largest, award winning e-publications on the web, GOPHER CENTRAL. Gopher Central leaves no stone unturned. Featuring some of the nation's top writers, we offer newsletters for EVERY walk of life. Jokes, religion, politics, recipes, entertainment . . it's ALL here. Get the mail YOU want delivered directly into your inbox for F-R-E-E Go to Gopher Central *** "She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious." --W. Somerset Maugham *** "He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." --Raymond Chandler *** "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain ------------------------------------------------------------ >> This Year You'll SUCCEED In Your New Year's Resolution << *----- WE G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E IT -----* Every year do you make the same resolution... I'll lose weight. If you said YES then we've got something to help and its G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E-D to With Apple Cider Vinegar you can FINALLY lose those unwanted pounds and if you don't, just return it for a refund. Apple Cider Vinegar is one of the most effective, popular & SAFE weight loss tablets around. It is a powerful enzyme that acts as a natural diuretic to flush the fat out of your system. Give yourself the gift of slim for Just $9.99 (or save on 2 bottles) VISIT: Apple Cider Vinegar ------------------------------------------------------------ For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport. As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife asked, "Are they good seats?" "They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your com- panion will be seated beside a beautiful lady." *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------* A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you." _____________________________________________________________ W H Y D I D T H E C O W B O Y B U Y A D A C H S H U N D? Want to know the answer to this important question? Then you need to get a copy of THE BEST OF CLEAN LAFFS! Order Joe's laff diary for F-R-E-E...all you pay is postage and handling. Check it out: http://af3.gophercentral.com/book/clean.html The Best of Clean Laffs ____________________________________________________________ To SUBSCRIBE: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-jokes.html Subscribe UNSUBSCRIBE: http://news.gophercentral.com/s/?a=u&n=437&s=47963526 Unsubscribe You are subscribed as: aportorclass@flashmail.com If you are having difficulty unsubscribing using the link above you can contact us by clicking on this email link and keeping the subject line exactly as it appears: mailto:unsubscribe@gophercentral.com&subject=Unsub:437:47963526E Problems unsubscribing? * PLEASE allow 48-hrs for removal from this list when emailing * ------------------------------------------------------------ AOL Links ------------------------------------------------------------ Visit the Clean Laffs Site More FREE Fun & Entertainment ************************************************************ END OF CLEAN LAFFS Copyright 2004 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved. 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Oakley Race Shoes TODAY'S GOLF - Tuesday, February 3, 2004"Tips... News... And More... All For The Love Of The Game" ------------------------------------------------------------ To SUBSCRIBE visit: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-golf.html Subscribe ------------------------------------------------------------ IN THIS ISSUE: 1. TEEING OFF - TOO GOOD TO BE NORMAL 2. PRO REPORT - SKIP MONTY? TOUGH CALL FOR LANGER 3. QUOTE OF THE WEEK TEEING OFF TOO GOOD TO BE NORMAL The "It's-good-to-be-normal" hounds are loose again and they're going after Michelle Wie and her family, barking at them for stealing her childhood, pressuring her into becoming an adult too soon, skipping school and all man- ner of anti-normal behaviors. But what's so great about being normal? At this year's Hawaii Open, Friday attend- ance was p 22 percent over the same day in 2003. The dif- ference: the presence of the non-standard, irregular, un- common, atypical, extraordinary ninth-grader who is a once-in-a-millennium physical genius at golf. Tiger Woods was asked if he could have made the cut on tour at that age. "No way," he replied. "The same thing would've hap- pened to me at 14 as it did when I was 16 (at the 1992 Los Angeles Open, where he missed by plenty). I wasn't good enough." The "Tiger model" followed by Earl Woods (Tiger's dad) states that you should "dominate at the level you're at before you move on to the next level." That's good advice for most, but Michelle Wie is several cuts above everyone else. Her recent success at the Hawaii Open shows that her development as a savvy, well- spoken and very happy young girl is something to behold. Wie was having a ball -- she even skipped down the 10th fairway for a while until she remembered where she was. Exploitation never looked like this much fun. How many 14-year-olds do you know who could shoot a 68 from the back tees against the best players in the world, then take over the announcers' booth and not miss a beat? Somebody is definitely doing something right. As commen- tator Charlie Reimer said to Ernie Els, "Not only is she trying to take your job, she's trying to take mine, too." Where the critics go wrong is in giving advice geared to an everyday, standard-issue crowd from which excellence flows in a trickle. But with genius, be it intellectual, creative or physical, excellence is a flood that sweeps away those who lobby for sameness and carry on about the need to be normal. "I don't want to be normal," said Wie, and we shouldn't want her to be, either. ------------------------------------------------------------ ** LIQUIDATION SPECIAL - American Flags for $2.49 ** We are pleased to announce that we have found Full-Size 3'x5' American flags available at liquidation prices... never sold before at these low prices. Made of durable polyster with two (2) metal grommets perfect for displaying. Its a great time to stock up on them as they will make great holiday gifts. Check them out at these never-before-seen prices. Liquidation Special - USA Flags ------------------------------------------------------------ PRO REPORT SKIP MONTY? TOUGH CALL FOR LANGER West Palm Beach, Fla. -- Nobody has been in a tougher spot in a Ryder Cup than Bernhard Langer, who missed a 6-foot putt in 1991 that would have enabled the Europeans to re- tain the trophy at Kiawah Island. His opponent that day, Hale Irwin, later said that Langer was put in that posi- tion because he could handle the outcome better than any- one. Langer doesn't have to worry about facing similar pressure now that he's agreed to be the European captain and not try to play in his record-tying 11th Ryder Cup this fall at Oakland Hills, near Detroit. But he could be dealing with an equally dicey situation: Does he leave European star Colin Montgomerie -- with whom Langer was unbeaten as a partner in 2002 -- off the team? Langer acknowledged recently that making his two wild-card picks will probably be the most difficult part of his job. The Hall of Famer also said Montgomerie won't be given a free ride on the team, even though he has the best winning per- centage of any European (66.1) with an overall mark of 16-7-5. "I certainly hope he will make the team because he's a great player," Langer said in a phone interview from La Quinta, Calif. "But you never know. You need to have a good 12 months when qualifying. It's happened to other great players who didn't make a Ryder Cup team be- cause they weren't playing well." Langer was one of them. He was left off the 1999 team, the only Ryder Cup he's missed since 1981. It didn't matter that Langer is second to Nick Faldo on the Europeans' all-time list for matches (42), points (24) and won matches (22). With Montgomerie 25th on both lists for Ryder Cup points and world rankings -- the top five are chosen off the world rankings, then the next five on the European points list who have not al- ready been selected -- it appears the only chance that Montgomerie has is as a wild-card pick in August. He has dropped to 44th in the world rankings. Langer, 46, has plenty of other decisions to make before then. Major de- cisions like what clothes the team will wear, where the players will sleep, and more. Langer said it's important that he and American captain Hal Sutton continue to make sure the matches don't become as antagonistic as they were at Kiawah and at Brookline in 1999. The 2002 matches at The Belfry were relatively free of controversy. "It doesn't matter too much who wins or loses," Langer said. "The game of golf is larger than any one team. I hope these matches are very competitive, but with the highest level of sportsmanship." The last hard thing Langer will have to do as captain is watch the matches. "It's going to be more difficult to be standing on the sidelines," he said. "You kind of feel helpless." ------------------------------------------------------------ The TekFlame... A Lighter of Distinction by Dakota Dakota has done it again... created a very unique lighter that will turn heads everywhere. WHY? Featuring a GREEN colored wind-resistant jet torch flame the TekFlame looks great day or night. AND when you flip the top of the TekFlame a shimmering blue LED shines, lights up the gold in-laid emblem. The bright green flame occurs because there is a catalyst on the heat coils which changes the color of the flame once it reaches a higher temperature. If you have never used a colored flame before you are surely going to be impressed (no special butane required). Perfect for parties or a gift. Just $7.99 for a lighter that will last a lifetime. Or save $2.00 when you buy two (2). To see a picture or to order visit: TekFlame Lighter *Or if you would prefer to order by phone please have your credit card ready and call (800) 711-1361 ex 772 (8-5 CST, M-F) ----------------------------------------------------------- QUOTE OF THE WEEK "Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad" - A.A. Milne ------------------------------------------------------------ Questions? Comments? Email us: mailto:golf@gophercentral.com Email your comments ------------------------------------------------------------ To SUBSCRIBE visit: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-golf.html Subscribe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNSUBSCRIBE: http://news.gophercentral.com/s/?a=u&n=440&s=49160041 Unsubscribe If you are having problems unsubscribing please email us at: Problems? * PLEASE allow 48-hrs for removal from this list * ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Fun and Amusement by emailL: http://www.gophercentral.com More F-R-E-E Newsletters ____________________________________________________________ END OF TODAY'S GOLF Copyright 2004 by PENN LLC. All rights reserved. Please forward this, in its entirety, to others. |
