[Buffy ]

I sigh and sit on Angel's doorstep for a while. She left, huh? Why am I still going after her? After all of this, in spite of myself. In spite of everything. I don't know. Too many questions, no answers. I wish I could make it all easier. There was something in her eyes though. Something that told me that maybe, just maybe, this time she wasn't lying. But still, it is so hard, so hard.

I stand up slowly and start walking with no direction. I could just stay here, but something deep within me tells me that I should go and find her. I don't know where to start, so I just wander around with no direction, just walk. Maybe, I'll find her. Maybe I won't. If I do, it'll be because destiny wanted me to find her. And if I don't, it'll be because… this just wasn't meant to be.

[Chapter 10]

I've been walking around for about half an hour with no direction, and no success at all. I went to the nearest workshop, but there's no Faith in there. I would have asked the guy, but he seemed pretty much a pervert, he wouldn't stop grabbing his dick. I can't believe he even offered me to shake hands hello. 

Part of me kind of hopes I don't find her, it would be easier that way, that's for sure. But the easy way is not always the best way. So I'm in a cross road here, I want to find her, but at the same time I just hope I don't, yet I'm looking for her. I don't know, I guess I'm just confused, my brain is screaming to me not to do this, but there's something beyond words what is dragging me towards her.

I look at my watch, another half an hour has gone by already, and I keep walking in circles. I've passed by the workshop again, and the gas station, and the food place, I don't know where else to look. I go to the park again and sit where we were sitting a while ago. I sigh, it's a crazy life, isn't it? I think the whole world has conspired against me to do this. One thing is for sure, I didn't come to Los Angeles to do such a thing. I guess it all comes on its own, I didn't even think I was ever going to see her again, yet here I am, meditating on what to do.

It would all clear up if she were right in front of me right now. I think that's why part of me hopes I don't find her, because if I do, I know that my feelings are going to take over my head and I might end up doing something I regularly wouldn't. 

I feel weird. I feel anxious because I want to find her and not to find her at the same time, because I want to forgive her and I don't want to do it at the same time. Because it isn't right, and yet it feels right, it feels like something I just have to do. Because I'm afraid she would fail again, or that I might fail again as well. I'm afraid.

Some slaying would definitely help to clear my mind right now, too bad it's still early. I could go slay Angel, but I think I'll save him for a more desperate situation, this I can fight, I know. It's just matter of decision, but my brain decides, I've walked around through all these places and there's no sign of her. She could be miles away right now, besides it is Faith. I don't think she's wandering around looking and waiting for me, like I'm doing for her. She must have gotten tired.

I have made a decision, but my body still resists to move, I guess I was really expecting to find her, too bad I couldn't. My head is still moving crazy around everywhere to see if she's anywhere around. My brain screams to me again 'GO, GO JUST GO, she's not here, SHE'S GONE' I sigh deeply, still hoping for a sign she's still there somewhere awaiting for me.

I'm frozen in the seat in spite of all my muscles, which are practically forcing me to go. I swallow hard, and I look for a sign everywhere. If this is a matter of destiny, then there must be one.

I start to feel a little cold, so I stick my hands in my pocket. I reach some paper that feels weird to my touch, I take it out and look at it, It's my train ticket to go back home. Some voice in the back of my head tells me 'that's your sign! She's gone'. I take a deep breath, but yeah… that's right, that's my sign, this is not meant to be. I glance at my watch, and I'm just in time to go to the train station to catch my train. 

Reluctantly I walk really slowly to the train station, and in every corner I am around to turn, I think that she might be there. Just smoking or driving, or repairing the car, or just fucking some guy, but there. However, she's not. Every once in a while I think I listen to her voice calling me, but there's nothing when I turn around. It's hard to believe she's not going to be there, or that I'm not going to find her.

Well, I guess this is it then. It was good while it lasted, I sigh again, I really wanted to give her a chance, and still hope to run into her around the corner, or along the way. But then again, my brain reminds me that she could be miles away from here now. I bet she is. Good luck Faith, goodbye Faith.

I walk, and walk, and the station seems like miles away from here. I want to turn around, but it would be pointless because she won't be there when I do. She will never be there again, guess I blew our last chance.

I feel a warm drop of water tingling my cheek, I blush, I can't believe I'm really feeling this, anyways, it's all already done, it's not like I can turn back time. 

I breathe deeply, this is the corner of the station, and this is the last corner to turn around, with this all my non-sense hope to find her goes away because I'm here, one step from going away, and unless she's in the train, this won't happen. I know myself, and the more I think about it, the crazier this idea gets. So it was like this, now or never. I guess never it is.

I turn around the corner, and I see some car which happens to look like my ex-car. Or it is probably mi imagination playing some cheap trick with me. I'm still dragged to go check it out though. I see an arm with a cigarette, but my face lightens. It is not just some arm, it is HER arm, I would recognize that red leather jacket everywhere, I think it was her only leather jacket, or her favorite one.

I feel like a child right now, smiling and pinching myself to see if it's really true. I'm about to walk to the car, but I stop on my tracks, I stick my hand in my pocket, take the ticket out, and tear it up. Now there won't be a chance for my brain to make me escape from this, I'll have to deal with it, and it is not like I don't want to do it either, because I really do. I've been looking forward to this little encounter all this time.

I stand by the car silently, take a deep breath, and let her know I'm here "I don't really like people smoking in my car, you know? But since you've done such great work washing it and waxing it. I forgive you"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

[Faith]

I am about to throw the butt of the cigarette out the window when I hear someone saying. "I don't really like people smoking in my car, you know? But since you've done such great work washing it and waxing it. I forgive you"

I choke with the smoke and start coughing like crazy. That one really really caught me by surprise.

"are you ok?" she looks at me kind of concerned.

I gasp for air a few seconds. "Yeah, five by five" I tell her still coughing a little.

She goes away, I frown. No, she opens the front door and sits there facing me. "what were you doing here?"

I shake my head slightly "I don't know, I guess I came to give you your car back."

"I gave it to you"

"Yeah, but it was only to get rid of me, so it doesn't count"

"No, actually I don't really like it. Even less now that I've found out that you have to water it and that it gets hot every now and then, and everything else, you know?"

I smile, but still don't look at her "You never really liked cars B"

"I know"

"Yeah"

After that, neither of us says anything, there's probably a lot to say, yes, but nothing seems to come out of my mouth, regardless of how many times I try to speak. I look at her with the corner of my eye, she's playing nervously with her hands, and frowning; probably thinking of what the hell to say. The silence gets kind of uncomfortable, I'd say something, but my lack of tact would probably screw it up all over again, so I think I'll wait until she says something.

About three minutes have gone by already and it is getting really odd. I think I might have to say at least so…

"Dawn made me buy it" she snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?" 

"The car, Dawn made me buy it"

Ok, something is wrong here. B buys a car because some girl orders her to do so? "Dawn who?"

"Dawn Summers, my sister? You know her, it is…" She suddenly stops speaking and her lips form a perfect circle "Oooh, you don't know Dawn"

"Duh! I think I made that pretty much clear when I said 'Dawn who?'"

"Uh" she looks puzzled, and I must look very curious. B's got a car, a cell phone, and a SISTER? Fuck, things really change in three years. 

"It's a long story" she continues.

"Uhm. It's ok, I get it" I say looking down, recognizing the indirect right away.

She hurries back to say "No, I mean I'll tell you about her. I'll get there. Just let me tell you about the car first…"

I raise my eyebrows surprised. Buffy's being communicative?!?!?! Something's got to be seriously wrong here. An hour ago, she would have broken my ribs if possible, but she's telling me about her car ? I just don't get it.

"…So, I just had to buy it for her, you know?" She smiles slightly shaking her head.

"Uh yeah" I say absently.

"You didn't hear a single word I said, did you?" She asks rhetorically.

I sigh "Listen, I don't want to be rude, alright? But you're messing up with my head, Buffy" I finally look at her "You can't tell me to get lost, to let you go, and then come here sit, and try to chat with me as if nothing had happened. It confuses me I…" She looks sad now. GREAT! There you go, talking about some lack of tact. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry" she sighs "but look this is difficult enough as it is already. I wanted to start over, I…"

Know what? Fuck the tact. "We can't start over B"

Way to go Faith, now we're arguing again "WHAT? First you say that you wish I could forgive you, and that you're sorry, and I can't believe I even thought you seemed sincere" She sighs "I guess it was all a mistake, AGAIN"

She opens the car to go, but I hold her wrist "wait, that's not what I meant"

"Then?" She looks expectantly with the door still open.

"We can't start over B, cause starting over is not forgiving. It would be like doing it all over again, and just forgetting about what happened, it would be lying to ourselves. I need you to forgive me, it is the only way things can work out right now, at least for me. We can't hide from the past. If there's something I have learned in jail, well besides of cake baking, is that you can't really hide from it B, It'll stalk you and chase you wherever you go. You gotta accept whatever you did and whoever you were, and learn to live with it. So, I'm sorry B, I really want this too, but if you can't forgive, which I would understand though, we can't go on. I'm an ex-con, an ex-psycho, and probably a crazy person, and at some point I got accept everything I did, and who I were. I'm not happy with it, nor will I ever be, but it's just something I can't change… and I feel guilty, I feel bad, so the only way is if you forgive me"

She closes the door, so I let go of her wrist. She just looks at the floor now, and I know that she won't say a word anytime soon, and I don't know what the hell to tell her so we fall in the awkward silence again. The seconds feel like minutes, and the minutes feel like hours; I would say something, but it is her the one who has to tell me if she is going to forgive me or not.

Eventually she opens her mouth and shyly mumbles "I think we both need to forgive each other"

"huh?" I say absently, but then I listen to her words in my head again and they are clear "Uh… I've already forgiven you, Buffy"

"Really?"

"Yeah" I say.

"You do realize this is something very hard to do, don't you?"

"Don't feel obligated to do something you don't want to… Do what feels right"

"It does feel right, Faith"

"Really?"

"Yeah… I want to forgive you"

"But…?" I expect her next words with anxiety.

"There's no buts, I really want to Faith" 

she swallows hard and holds my hand nervously. She's sweating, I know this is not easy for her. I lock my eyes with her without saying a word, she takes a deep breath, and finally manages to say "I… I forgive you Faith"

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